type to settle down with anyone. I never lied about that. I told you this the first night we
met.” Rush broke free from his arms and walked to the other side of the kitchen. He
turned to face Lance. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “I just thought things had
changed.” He felt ready to crumble into a thousand little pieces. His legs were weak and
his head was spinning. But he didn’t want Lance to see how physically upset he was. So
he squared his shoulders and said, “It’s okay, Lance. I’m fine. I guess I just wasn’t
looking at us with a realistic perspective.”
“So we’re okay,” Lance said. “We’re still going to continue as we have when I
come back to New York and you come out to Hollywood. You’re going to love
Hollywood.”
Lance frowned. The next words that came from his mouth, he knew, would be
some of the most difficult words he’d ever have to speak. But he didn’t want to be like
the squirrel outside the window; he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life jumping from
one branch to the other for no reason at all. “I think it’s best if we end this right now,” he
said. “You know how much I love you. I didn’t plan on falling in love with you. It just
happened. And I might not know exactly what I want in life, but I do know I can’t
continue to see you, knowing at the same time there will never be hope for a real
relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t move to New York to find a full-time partner.
It was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to find
myself
first. But then I met you and
everything changed. For the first time in my life, I could picture growing old with
someone. And I can’t pretend to be happy about the fact that you’re moving to
Hollywood now, and that if we remain the way we are, we’ll be nothing more than just
fuck buddies when you come back to New York. I want more than that.” “It doesn’t have to end,” Lance said. “I’m still in love with you. I just don’t want
a traditional relationship. I’m being honest.” He lifted his arms and spread them apart.
Rush smiled. He knew Lance was being honest with him; he couldn’t get angry.
“I understand. I’m not playing any games. I’m being honest with you, too. And I think
it’s best if we end this right now, on good terms.” Then he looked directly into Lance’s
eyes and said, “I mean this. I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Lance said. “But I understand.” He crossed to
where Rush was standing and kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll get my bag upstairs.”
When he heard Lance’s footsteps disappear to the second floor, he reached for the
back of a kitchen chair and squeezed it as hard as he could. He sniffed and wiped a few
tears from his eyes. It wasn’t going to be easy getting over Lance Sharp, but at least he
wouldn’t have to see him on a daily basis anymore. Part of him felt like running into the
hall, up the stairs, and begging Lance to forget everything he’d just said. Rush didn’t
want to lose the only man he’d ever loved. He couldn’t imagine what life without Lance
would be like. The lump in his throat would not go away.
But a stronger part of him, the little voice in the back of his head that knew the
difference between right and wrong, would not allow his feet to move from the kitchen
floor.
Chapter Ten
When Cody’s first hit song went platinum, Cody and Roy moved to Hollywood.
Cody bought a brand-new red Jaguar convertible, then bought a home in the Hollywood
Hills that had belonged to Radcliff Benson. Radcliff had been having tax problems. The
tabloids were reporting that he owed millions of dollars to the government. Cody couldn’t
wait to take advantage of Radcliff’s misfortune. The house was located on one of those
winding canyon roads way up on the hills, with breathtaking views. The architecture was
Spanish, with turrets, arched doorways, and red tiles on the roof. The gated grounds were
manicured to perfection, with abundant handmade containers overflowing with rare,
exotic plants. There was access to the swimming pool from almost every room in the
house. Cody paid more than ten million dollars, which was more than he could afford at
the time. But he couldn’t resist, because he knew it was Radcliff Benson’s favorite home.
As always, Roy was there by Cody’s side, supporting him and his career in any
way possible. When Roy quietly suggested they buy a smaller place that they could
afford, Cody laughed in his face and said, “Stop worrying, dude. I’ll own this place after
my next single is released and I go on tour. We don’t have to worry about money
anymore. I’ll never be poor again, dude. I’m gonna own this town.”
Roy frowned and stared down at his shoes. He knew Cody was buying the house
just to get even with Radcliff Benson. “I just don’t want to see you get in over your head,
is all. Why don’t we look at a few smaller houses like the one Joey and Anderson bought?
And when there’s more money, we can move again.” Joey and Anderson had purchased a nice comfortable home in the Hollywood Hills, not far from the one Cody wanted to buy.
They didn’t go overboard, and they had Joey’s sister, Harriet, living with them.
“I’m not just a TV star like Joey,” Cody said. “I’m going to be bigger than that.
I’ll make more money than Joey will ever dream of making. And I want to own the house
that son of a btich, Radcliff Benson, is losing. He thought he’d ruin me by getting me
fired from that show, and now I’m buying the house
he
can’t afford any longer. I won’t
be happy until I own that tired old bastard.”
Roy just shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. Cody had changed, and
there was little he could do. The day after they moved to Hollywood, Cody began to call
everyone “dude.” It was annoying, and it made Roy want to shake Cody’s shoulders until
Cody realized how dumb and affected it sounded coming from him. When he over-tipped
a waiter in a restaurant, he said things that made Roy’s stomach tighten. Cody would
hand the waiter a one-hundred-dollar bill and say, “Here you go, dude. You’re cute. You
deserve it,” without thinking twice. Or he’d speed down the shoulder on the freeway
during a traffic jam, and tell Roy, “Don’t worry about it. These other dudes have to sit in
traffic. They have to follow the rules. They aren’t stars and they aren’t going anywhere
important. I have to be on time, dude.”
Ironically, the one time he was stopped by a highway patrolman for doing this,
Cody and Roy were on their way to a meeting with Lance Sharp and a few record
producers. It wasn’t an important meeting; Cody could have driven slower. The young
highway patrolman looked inside the car and said, “I’m one of your biggest fans.” He
didn’t even ask for Cody’s driver’s license. Cody smiled and lowered his voice. “I’m sorry, Officer. I know I was wrong, but
I’m late for a very important appointment with my agent.”
Roy remained quiet in the passenger seat, hoping Cody wouldn’t cause a scene
when the officer handed him a citation.
But the patrolman just smiled, pointed his finger, and said, “I’m going to let you
go this time. But you have to be more careful, sir.”
When he called Cody “sir,” Roy rolled his eyes.
“I will,” Cody said. “I never drive this way, dude. But this is a really important
appointment.”
The patrolman smiled and pulled a pen and a piece of paper out of his pocket.
“Could I please have an autograph? I’d really appreciate it.”
Roy’s eyes opened wide and he rubbed his jaw. He couldn’t believe what he was
hearing. The patrolman was actually letting Cody off in exchange for an autograph. Roy
had been hoping the idiot patrolman would teach Cody a lesson by giving him a ticket.
“Certainly, Officer,” Cody said. “I’m willing to do anything for my fans.”
Roy wanted to laugh out loud. He knew better than anyone that Cody couldn’t
have cared less about his fans. In a general sense, Cody loved being adored by his fans,
but in a personal level, he basically ignored them. But Roy didn’t say a word. He just sat
there staring down at his lap with his lips pressed together.
With each new success that came into Cody’s life, he became more difficult to
live with. Roy knew this was partly due to stress and partly due to the medications Cody
had been taking. For breakfast, Cody popped over-the-counter diet pills and swallowed
them down with his morning coffee. When Roy questioned him about this, he told Roy that he wasn’t addicted. He said he needed the extra energy to work on dance routines for
his upcoming music video and he had to keep his body in perfect shape for an upcoming
concert tour. Though Cody had never had a weight problem, he became obsessed with
lifting weights and eating nothing but protein. He refused to even touch a carbohydrate
for fear of gaining an extra pound. For lunch, he’d go to his private gym, get a steroid
injection from his personal trainer to maintain his muscles, and eat a hard-boiled egg. At
dinner he ate a bloody piece of filet and a small wedge of cheese. After dinner, he’d take
a few more diet pills and get on his treadmill for an hour-long run.
By the time he was ready for bed, his body was twitching, his eyes were wide
open, and he spoke so fast it was hard to understand what he was saying. Roy tried
having sex with him, telling him it would release all his stress, but Cody didn’t seem
interested in having sex with Roy anymore. Instead, he’d reach into a leather knapsack he
carried around all the time and pull out a bottle of pills. He called these pills
dudes
. It was
a slang term for barbiturates and depressants, which a few of his gay friends used when
they wanted something to help them relax. They were prescription drugs he’d received
from his Hollywood doctor, who’d said they were perfectly harmless.
One night, while Roy watched Cody fumble with the pill bottle, he said, “Why
don’t you try sleeping without the pills tonight? I’m starting to worry about you.” Roy
had been with him since he’d been a struggling performer. He knew him better than
anyone else in the world.
Cody glared at him. He removed a few pills from the bottle and slammed the
bottle down on a table next to the bed. “Don’t be such an idiot. If I don’t take these
fucking pills, I won’t sleep. And tomorrow morning I have a photo shoot and I have to look my fucking best. So don’t give me any lectures about taking pills. Just sit back and
enjoy the ride.” Then he swallowed the pills with a glass of vodka and looked into the
mirror. He was wearing a pair of white boxer briefs. His chest muscles popped, his abs
rippled, and his arms bulged with muscle. His body had never looked better; he could
have posed nude for
Playgirl
. But Cody frowned at the mirror and said, “I have to start
working out more. I’m losing my tone. I want to look absolutely perfect for my concert
tour.”
Roy sat back on the bed and rolled his eyes. He knew there was no point in
arguing with Cody when he was taking the drugs, and he was getting tired of wasting his
time. By then, he was starting to wonder how much more he could take. It wasn’t easy
watching the person he loved most in the world destroy himself.
Then one night, after a huge party at the house in the Hollywood Hills, Roy went
out to the swimming pool to see how Cody was doing. He thought all the guests had left
and that they were alone in the house. Cody had been extremely animated that night,
smiling too much, laughing more than usual, and singing at the piano for their guests.
Roy had watched him closely. Though there had been thousands of dollars’ worth of
catered food, Cody hadn’t eaten a single thing. He had been drinking vodka all night, and
Roy had seen him go in and out of the bathroom with a group of guys a few times. Roy
knew they were doing cocaine—another drug Cody insisted he wasn’t addicted to.
When Roy went out to the pool area, his eyebrows went up. There were two
good-looking guys lounging in the shallow end. One had thick dark hair and looked like a
rough, young version of Sylvester Stallone in the first Rocky film. His arms were thick
with muscle, and his chest rounded and popped. The other guy had a dark ethnic complexion. His short black hair was curly and his body was just as large and muscular
as the other guy’s. They were sitting waist high in the water on the steps that led into the
pool. They were both completely naked and their large erections were floating at the
surface of the water. When the one who looked like Stallone saw Roy walk outside, he