leaned to his right and shoved his tongue into the other guy’s mouth.
Roy put his hands in his pockets and looked at Cody. He was sitting in a lounge
chair, at the other end of the pool, sipping vodka and watching the guys in the water. He
raised his glass to Roy and said, “They want to get into male porn, and they wanted to
show us what they can do.” His voice was slurred and incoherent. “I said it was okay.”
Roy rubbed his jaw and frowned. He clenched his fists. He had no interest in
watching two strange guys have sex in his swimming pool. If he’d wanted to live his life
that way, having anonymous sex with strangers, he would have remained single. So he
moved to where Cody was sitting and tipped his head to the side. “I think it’s time they
go home.” Normally, he indulged Cody’s whims. He’d looked in the opposite direction
each time Cody had done something that had made him flinch. But this time Cody had
gone too far, and Roy wanted no part of it.
The guys in the pool ignored Roy. They continued to kiss.
Cody sat up and put his drink down on the table. There was a bottle of dudes next
to an empty bottle of vodka. “I’ll let you know when it’s time for them to go home. I’m
the one who makes the money around here, and I’m the one who makes the rules. Got it?
I’m going on tour in a couple of weeks and I’ll be working my ass off to make the money.
I deserve a little fun.” Roy closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Cody had been throwing money up in
his face since they’d left New York. When they’d moved to Hollywood, Roy had been
hired as a music teacher at a private school and his small salary was nowhere near Cody’s.
But Roy loved teaching music, and he was still in love with Cody, so he forced himself to
ignore the nasty comments. He reached down, touched Cody’s hand, and said, “Why
don’t we go into the bedroom and have our own little party, together, like we used to do?
I miss you. These two guys can stay out here and do their own thing.” This was the
hardest part. Cody and Roy hadn’t been together in months. When Roy tried to make love
to him, Cody always had an excuse. He was too tired from working all day, his back was
aching from dancing, he had a severe headache, or he had to work on a song for the tour.
Cody’s eyes opened wide. He stood from the chair and gestured toward the two
naked guys in the pool. “Seriously. You must be fucking joking. There are two studs right
over there, with huge dicks, and you want to ignore them? Do you have any idea how
many gay men would kill to be here right now?”
Roy clenched his fists. “Get rid of them. I’m not joking this time, Cody.” His face
felt flushed and he forced his voice to remain low.
Cody raised an eyebrow and said, “I’ll get rid of them when I’m fucking ready to
get rid of them. And if you don’t want to have any fun, you can just sit there and watch
them take turns on me.” Then he smiled at Roy and crossed to the other side of the pool.
Roy sat down in a chair and rested his elbows on his knees. Was Cody testing him?
He’d never felt so helpless in his entire life. No matter what he said or did, he knew there
was nothing he could do to stop Cody anymore. He ran his fingers through his hair and
cleared his throat. His heart was pounding and he felt nauseous. While he watched Cody slowly walk to the other side of the pool, he silently prayed that Cody would change his
mind and ask the guys to leave.
But Cody wasn’t walking with determination. His hips were swaying and his back
was arched. When he reached the edge of the pool, he removed his shirt and his shoes.
Then he pulled off his socks and turned so his back was facing the guys in the pool.
When he unfastened his pants, he slowly pulled them down. The two guys in the pool
stopped kissing. They leaned forward and watched Cody take off his pants, staring at his
ass, licking their lips.
Roy took a deep breath. He wiped a tear from his eye and placed his palm on his
throat.
When Cody was naked, he spread his legs apart and stretched his arms up as far
as they would go. He wiggled his ass a few times and yawned without covering his
mouth. While the guys in the pool continued to stare at his naked body, he slowly turned
around and stepped into the pool. His penis was semi-erect by then. He sat down between
the two guys, put his arms around them, and tossed his head back. The guy who looked
like Stallone reached into the water and grabbed Cody’s ass. The other guy stood up and
slapped his thick, dark brown erection on Cody’s face.
But as Cody was about to open his mouth and take the guy’s penis, Roy stood up
and walked to the edge of the pool. He said without blinking, “I’m leaving.” He’d had
enough. Just the thought of his lover being with another man caused a pain in his chest.
But actually watching his lover with two other men felt as if someone had stuck a knife
into his chest and split his heart in half. There were a lot of things Roy could put up with,
but this time Cody had crossed the line and there was no going back. Cody stopped moving and pushed the guys away. “What do you mean, you’re
leaving?” His voice was loud—harsh, forceful. Roy had never heard it before.
Roy refused to turn around and look at him in the arms of two other men. He
stared at the sliding glass doors and said, “I’m packing my things right now and I’m
leaving. I’ve had enough.” He knew if he didn’t leave now, Cody would only bring him
down. As it was, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to get back to anything that
resembled a normal life. “I’ve been thinking about leaving for a long time,” he added.
“You’re not going anywhere,” Cody shouted. “You know where you’ve got it
good. You make me laugh.”
Roy turned. An unusual sense of calm enveloped his entire body, as if he’d
realized all of his past mistakes and his entire future was now perfectly clear. He looked
directly into Cody’s eyes this time. He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m leaving for good.
I’m not going to live like this anymore.” His voice evened out, and his fists unclenched.
Suddenly, every muscle in his body relaxed. And he knew he’d finally reached the point
where it wasn’t even worth arguing. After this, there was nothing left to save. The only
mistake he’d made was that he should have left sooner.
“Fuck you. You’re nothing without me,” Cody shouted. “You’re just another poor
dumb fag with nothing. You need
me
more than I need
you
. Don’t you forget that.”
Roy shrugged. “Goodbye, Cody.” Then he turned around and went into the house.
He didn’t stop walking. He heard Cody shouting drunken pejoratives at him, but he didn’t
turn around this time.
Chapter Eleven
After Lance told Rush he was moving to Hollywood, Rush drove him to the train
station. On the way, Rush held the steering wheel tightly and forced a smile. Lance was
silent, rubbing his jaw and clearing his throat a lot, trying to make small talk about
different sites they passed on the road. Rush just nodded and continued to smile. The
train station was only five minutes from the house, but it felt more like five hours.
Inside, Rush was crumbling. His stomach turned and his lips kept trembling. But
he was determined to remain strong and upbeat until Lance was out of the car. He didn’t
want Lance to remember him as a pathetic, rejected lover. He wanted Lance to think of
him always as a strong, mature man who was wise enough to know when something was
finished for good.
When Lance reached into the back seat for his suitcase and opened the car door,
he hesitated for a moment, as if he was about to say something important, then he said,
“Let’s keep in touch.”
Rush nodded, staring at the hood of the car. “We will keep in touch. I promise.”
“I’ll miss you,” Lance said. “Can I kiss you goodbye?”
Rush smiled; he couldn’t refuse Lance. “Of course you can kiss me goodbye.” He
turned toward Lance and leaned to the right. He put his palm on Lance’s cheek, rubbed it
a few times, and kissed him on the lips. He thought it would be a quick kiss goodbye; just
a peck on the lips. But when Lance shoved his tongue into his mouth, he couldn’t bring
himself to pull back and they wound up in each other’s arms, rocking back and forth. A moment later, Rush sat back in his seat and said, “You’d better get moving.
You’ll miss your train.” Then he motioned toward the front of the car. “And we’re being
watched again. I think it’s one of the guys who were watching us the other day.” There
was a forceful-looking young guy leaning against a concrete wall in front of the car. His
hands were dirty and his baggy jeans were ripped at the knee. He was holding a
skateboard, staring down at his dirty sneakers. Rush had seen him watching them from
the corner of his eye.
“Are you going to be okay?” Lance asked.
“I’m fine,” Rush said. “He’s harmless. He’s probably just a horny, curious kid
who has never seen two men kiss before.”
Lance smiled opened the car door. He clutched his bag and said, “I’ll be in touch.
Take care.”
Rush watched him jog up the steps to the platform. He watched him disappear
around the corner. When he was no longer in sight, Rush took a deep breath and started
the car. When he reached for the gear shift, the guy with the skateboard walked toward
him. The skateboard was under his arm; he walked with rough, heavy steps, as if proving
to the world he was a real man.
Rush raised his eyebrows and lowered the window. He looked up at the guy and
said, “Can I help you?” Now that he was closer, he looked older. Rush figured he was in
his early twenties.
The guy rubbed his jaw a few times, then looked Rush in the eye and said, “You
want to go somewhere, buddy, and finish up what you started with that other guy?” He
grabbed had handful of his crotch and worked it up and down with fast strokes. His zipper was down and Rush could see his dark pubic patch. “You wanna smoke some big
pole?” His voice was smooth and even, and he was holding more than a handful of crotch.
Rush sighed. He pressed his foot to the brake pedal and put the car in reverse. He
knew how these things worked in small towns. Though he’d never been this obnoxious,
he’d been this guy once himself, before he’d moved to New York. Because there weren’t
any actual places for gay men to meet in small towns, they typically cruised each other in
parks, public restrooms, and train stations for quick thrills. Sometimes, on a hot summer
night, you could get lucky at the automated car wash on the edge of town. It was all on
the down low, and this guy felt safe now because he wasn’t with any of his other
skateboard buddies. Rush smiled and said, “Sorry, man. Not today.” He didn’t want to
reject the guy. But he wasn’t interested in anyone but Lance. Then he backed out of the
parking space and wondered how he was ever going to love anyone else again.
After that, he drove to the cemetery and visited his mother’s grave. He’d lost two
of the most important people in his life within a few weeks, and seeing his mother’s
grave gave him comfort. A few of the flowers from the funeral were still there, but most
had been taken away. His mother had been buried next to his father; they shared the same
headstone. Rush made a mental note to call someone that week to have his mother’s
information placed on the headstone before he went back to New York.
When he went home, he called the office and asked if he’d be able to take the rest
of the week off to tie up a few loose ends regarding his mother’s estate. He’d planned on
returning to New York that Wednesday, but that was when he still thought he and Lance
were together as a couple. His voice was animated and he didn’t mention anything about
Lance. Esther told him to take as much time as he needed, and that his job was there waiting for him when he was ready to return. He thanked her more than once, and said
he’d definitely be back to work the following Monday morning.
He spent a lot of time in bed that week thinking about Lance and wondering if
he’d done anything wrong to make Lance move to Hollywood. He thought about calling
Cody for advice, but he knew Cody and Roy were in the middle of moving to Hollywood,
too, and he didn’t want to bother them. Besides, there was nothing anyone could do.
So he spent the rest of the week sulking and dealing with his mother’s estate. He
hired a caretaker to check on the house while he and his aunt were gone. By Saturday