“I was actually just about to go and visit my father.”
That wasn’t a lie. I
was
about to go and visit him until Addison had asked me to meet her instead.
“Oh,” Helene replied, and I could tell she thought I was lying.
Well, maybe I could go and see dad today before I drove over to Oakwood.
“I didn’t know you had family here.”
“Yeah,” was my brilliant response.
God, snap the fuck out of it.
“He’s the reason I moved back. He’s not very well.”
“I’m really sorry to hear that,” she offered and stepped closer, reaching out to comfort me. Why did I feel nothing with her? Life would be so much easier if I did. I looked down at her hand on my arm and then back to her face.
“If you need someone to talk to…”
“Okay.”
She gave a tight grin. “Because you’re
so
talkative.”
I chuckled. “I’m sorry. I guess my mind’s somewhere else.”
She moved past me but at the last moment stopped and asked, “Oh, do you need me to come with you in the morning to report Addy?”
Just like that, the tight fist around my heart returned. I turned to face her and wondered what she was thinking, but it was clear—she’d seen everything.
The fight, me talking with Addison, and finally,
me
letting Addison leave without repercussion—so why the pretense? Why the invite to dinner?
“Sure. I figured it would be easier for everyone to deal with in the morning.” When did I turn into such a fucking liar? “Especially after the incident with Brandon. I let Addison know we’d be dealing with it tomorrow.”
There was a moment of silence, and I swore it felt more like ten minutes than ten seconds.
“How’d she take it?” Helene asked.
“Not well.”
“That’s going to mess with her track practice.”
“Yeah. I bet.”
She shrugged. “Oh well. She knows the rules. Doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could bend them. You know?”
I couldn’t even formulate an answer. I was too busy thinking back to my conversation with Addison and trying to remember if I’d done anything inappropriate. No, I didn’t think so.
I hadn’t touched her like I wanted. I’d made sure to touch the car.
“It’s such a shame, she’s really let me down. Not to mention her parents. They’ll be terribly upset if she can’t compete at State.”
She seemed to reflect on that thought for a moment, and I wondered if she was also disappointed because Addison hadn’t lived up to whatever expectations she had placed on her. “Well, I’ll let you go so you can visit your father.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it.”
Helene made her way to the car, and as she opened the door and looked back to where I was standing, she called out, “I’ll see you in the morning at Principal Thomas’s office. How’s seven forty-five?”
Faking a smile, I returned, “Perfect!”
As she shut the door, I let out my first real breath since she’d approached and thought of how to tell Addison she was getting suspended. I knew what would happen when her parents found out and the hell she would pay.
Perfect?
Not even close. No, try a fucking disaster waiting to happen.
Chapter Twenty-One
Past…
I pulled into the parking lot of the hospice facility and sat silently, watching as a nurse wheeled an older lady through the front door.
People came here for one thing: to leave the world behind. Is that why I was here now? To leave
my
current world behind?
To lose myself in
this
emotional crisis where I had no control, so I wouldn’t have to face the horrible choices I was otherwise making?
Resting my head back on the seat, I closed my eyes. I told myself that an hour here wouldn’t make a difference in when I could see her, and then I remembered the way Addison had looked at me before she’d got into her car.
For the first time, she’d appeared defeated.
Climbing out of the truck, I slammed the door shut and stormed toward the entrance with misdirected anger. I was furious, and as I walked through the front doors, I felt my annoyance brewing.
If it hadn’t been for my father getting sick, I wouldn’t be back here in the first place. If he’d bothered to tell me earlier, I could have gotten to him sooner, had him cared for, and never…never
what?
Moved back to Denver? Gotten a job at the local high school?
Met Addison?
Stopping outside his room, I leaned against the wall and scrubbed a hand over my face.
Look at me, trying to find someone to blame
. W
ay to man up.
It wasn’t my father’s fault I’d decided to fuck up my life. That was mine and mine alone. It was about time I owned it.
“Oh, Mr. McKendrick. Someone finally got ahold of you.”
Pushing off the wall, I turned to see my father’s nurse. I shook my head, uncomfortable that I’d been caught in a moment of disgusted self-reflection.
“No, I’m sorry. I just came by after work.”
“Oh,” she acknowledged.
As she touched my arm, her eyes conveyed a sympathy that was only ever borne from death. My stomach knotted, and I knew—he was gone.
“When?”
“Around ten minutes ago. We tried to reach you, but…”
But
…I’d been lingering at the school, watching over Addison.
I’d missed him by minutes…mere minutes.
“Okay,” I mumbled, not able to say anything else.
“I’m sorry. I realize this must be a shock when you thought you were coming here to visit.”
It
was
a shock. I’d been furious at my father only seconds ago and now? Now he was dead.
“Yes,” I managed to utter. I still couldn’t wrap my brain around what she was telling me.
“It was peaceful. He was sleeping when he passed.”
Peaceful
.
He was at peace, and me—I was in some kind of hell.
“Can I see him? Have you moved—?”
“No,” she interrupted gently. “He’s still in there.”
She turned the door handle to his room and pushed it open a crack.
“Is there someone I can call for you?”
Brushing past her, I saw the lone bed over by the window.
“No. There’s no one.”
“Okay. Then take your time and let me know when you’re ready.”
Without looking back, I walked over to where my father lay. The room was suffocating in its silence, and as I got closer, I noticed that someone had opened the window. I knew some believed that by opening the window, you freed the soul. I wondered if it had freed his.
I sat down beside the bed and took his hand. It was cool to the touch and when I leaned down over it, I felt a tear escape.
I’d come home to Denver to say good-bye and somehow managed to fuck that up too.
Jesus
, my sense of purpose had gone to shit.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized as my body shook. “God. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I’d let this man down in every way. Not only did I manage to break every moral rule he’d instilled in me, I’d let him down when he needed me the most.
Fuck, I don’t deserve any kind of happiness
.
I raised my head to look out the window, searching for my own escape, but there was no escaping my terrible choices. They’d been made.
The only thing I could do was…
unmake
them? Was that even possible?
The sun had shifted and was slowly beginning to set. The rays now streaming into the room were hitting something shiny on the set of drawers by my father’s bed.
Releasing his hand, I stood and made my way over to see what it was. There, sitting on the flat surface, was a pen resting on a single sheet of paper. Scrawled across the middle was a quote.
Nietzsche
.
My father had always been a fan of his work and passed the love of his writing on to me. I picked up the note and touched the words he’d written.
Gray,
‘What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil.’
I understand.
Dad
I clenched the note in my fist and brought it to my mouth, trying to hold myself together.
He was
still
teaching me, and here I was, still trying to learn from his lessons.
As tears blurred my vision, I shoved the paper in my pocket and once again, the pen lying on the drawers caught my eye. Picking it up, I noticed it was his old faithful.
As a teacher, he’d always prided himself on having something nice to write with, and this was the pen I’d given him for his 50
th
birthday.
It was black with a beautiful gold finish, and along the side his initials were engraved—
G.M.
—just like my own.
He’d never gone anywhere without it, and from now on, neither would I.
* * *
Present…
Tick, tick, tock.
I’ve been sitting in Doc’s office for the last thirty minutes, but he hasn’t said one word. Usually I’d enjoy the silence, but today it’s starting to worry me.
What is this? A new tactic?
If so, I’m surprised to admit that I enjoyed the old ones better. This silence is nerve-racking. After yesterday in the library, I was almost certain we’d be discussing the flora and fauna in Colorado, but so far—nothing.
Well, nothing except for the new habit of tapping his pen and my new preoccupation of focusing on it.
It was irritating. It was intrusive. It was…
familiar
.
“Can I see your pen?”
I’m the first to break the silence, and Doc’s smile is slow as it appears.
“Why? It’s just a pen.”
My eyes find his, and I call him out. “You’re lying.”
“Am I?”
“Yes.”
Shrugging, Doc holds the pen out and looks it over. I too let my eyes move over the black and gold casing. If only I could see the other side.
Tick, tick, tock.
“How do you know I’m lying?”
“Isn’t it unethical for you to lie to a patient?”
“How do you
know
I’m lying?”
Beginning to get annoyed, I roll my eyes at him and stand. “I just do.”
“How?”
I cross my arms and refuse to talk.
“Addison?”
“What?” I snap, anxious to know if this is what I think it is and more importantly, why Doc has it.
“You
need
to trust me.”
I watch Doc as he stands and holds the pen out to me. I reach for it, and it’s almost like
he’s
here in the room with me.
For the first time since I’ve been here, the loud ticking of the clock stops. Cautiously, I lift the pen and turn it to see
G.M.
engraved along the side—suddenly, the loudest thing in the room is my heart.
* * *
Past…
The sun had finally set when I made my way through the gates of the cemetery and stepped down onto the green grass. In one day, everything had become extremely complicated.
I walked briskly between the tombstones, careful not to tread on the flowers sprouting out around the edges.
Brandon had followed me…followed
us
. What if he hadn’t gone back for practice?
Not only were my actions reckless, they were putting Grayson’s freedom in jeopardy. One wrong move and his career would be over, not to mention he’d end up in jail. He could lose everything, all because of me.
What made me think I had the right to ask that of him?
Doc was always telling me,
one choice can change the entire path you were once on.
Is this the kind of thing he’d been talking about?
Maybe it was time for me to make the right choice—the one to say good-bye.
I could choose to be unselfish and allow Grayson to move on from what he surely now felt was an obligation.
“Addison?”
The deep voice that drifted through the night didn’t belong to the man I’d told to meet me here. No, the man standing in front of me was family.
“Dad…what are you doing here?”
And when are you leaving?
“Why do you think I’m here?” he asked, his voice full of disgust as he looked away and faced the stone that marked his son’s resting place.
“I’m sorry. That was a stupid question.”
“Yes, it was,” he agreed and lifted his arm, bringing up the bottle.
Whiskey
. His go-to when he needed to numb the pain. They sent me to a shrink, but he swore he didn’t need one.
Why see a doctor when liquor is cheaper?
“I’ll just leave then.”
“No,” he discouraged. “Stay. You
should
apologize every day.”
My head jerked back as if he’d slapped me. “I didn’t come here to apologize.”
He turned with a sway and spat at me with loathing. “Well you should.”
Those three little words shouldn’t have been able to cause such damage, but after Brandon and Jessica, they cut wide the wound that I usually held somewhat stitched together.
“I don’t have
anything
to apologize for,” I stressed, reminding myself what Doc always told me.
I turned to leave and had taken only two steps when I was pulled to a stop by a hand grabbing my wrist. He spun me around and yanked me in close before shoving his face close to mine.
I could smell the stench of alcohol on his breath as he assured me, “You have
everything
to be sorry for. It’s your fault he’s even in the ground.”
I tried to pull my arm free, but my father’s grip was stronger. I knew I’d have bruises tomorrow.
“Yes,
Addison
. Because of you.”
I shook my head in denial. “Let me go!”
“It’s hard to hear the truth, isn’t it?”