Volpone and Other Plays (12 page)

SIR POLITIC
: I told you, sir, his end.

PEREGRINE
:                               You did so, sir.

VOLPONE
: I protest, I and my six servants are not able to make of this precious liquor so fast as it is fetched away from my lodging by gentlemen of your city, strangers of the
Terra Firma
, worshipful merchants, ay, and senators too, who, ever since my arrival, have detained me to their uses by their splendidous liberalities. And worthily. for what avails your rich man to have his
magazines
stuffed with
moscadelli
, or of the purest grape,

80        when his physicians prescribe him, on pain of death, to drink nothing but water cocted with aniseeds? O health! health! the blessing of the rich! the riches of the poor! who can buy thee at too dear a rate, since there is no enjoying this world without
thee? Be not then so sparing of your purses, honourable gentlemen, as to abridge the natural course of life –

PEREGRINE
: You see his end?

SIR POLITIC
:                              Ay, is't not good?

VOLPONE
: For, when a humid flux, or catarrh, by the mutability of air falls from your head into an arm or shoulder, or any other part, take you a ducat, or your chequin of gold, and apply to the

90        place affected: see, what good effect it can work. No, no, 'tis this blessed
unguento
, this rare extraction, that hath only power to disperse all
malignant humours
that proceed either of hot, cold, moist, or windy causes –

PEREGRINE
: I would he had put in dry too.

SIR POLITIC
:                                                       Pray you, observe.

VOLPONE
: To fortify the most indigest and crude stomach, ay, were it of one that through extreme weakness vomited blood, applying only a warm napkin to the place, after the unction and fricace; for the vertigine in the head, putting but a drop into your nostrils, likewise behind the ears; a most sovereign and approved remedy: the
mal-caduco
, cramps, convulsions,

100      para-lyses, epilepsies,
tremor cordia
, retired nerves, ill vapours of the spleen, stoppings of the liver, the stone, the strangury,
hernia ventosa, iliaca passio
; stops a
dysenteria
immediately; easeth the torsion of the small guts; and cures
melancholia hypocondriaca
, being taken and applied according to my printed receipt.

Pointing to his bill and his glass
.

For, this is the physician, this the medicine; this counsels, this cures; this gives the direction, this works the effect; and, in sum, both together may be termed an abstract of the theoric and practic in the Æsculapian art. 'Twill cost you eight crowns.

110       And,
Zan Fritada
, pray thee sing a verse, extempore, in honour of it.

SIR POLITIC
: How do you like him, sir?

PEREGRINE
:                                      Most strangely, I!

SIR POLITIC
: Is not his language rare?

PEREGRINE
:                                But alchemy

I never heard the like, or Broughton's books.

SONG

Had old
Hippocrates or Galen
,

That to their books put med'cines all in,

But known this secret, they had never,

(Of which they will be guilty ever)
Been murderers of so much paper,

Or wasted many hurtless taper.

120                           No Indian drug had e'er been famèd,

Tobacco,
sassafras
not namèd;

Ne yet of
guacum
one small stick, sir,

Nor Raymund Lully's great elixir.
Ne had been known the Danish Gonswart,

Or Paracelsus, with his long sword.

PEREGRINE
: All this, yet, will not do; eight crowns is high.

VOLPONE
: No more. Gentlemen, if I had but time to discourse to you the miraculous effects of this my oil, surnamed
Oglio del scoto
, with the countless catalogue of those I have cured of

130     th'aforesaid, and many more diseases; the patents and privileges of all the princes and commonwealths of Christendom; or but the depositions of those that appeared on my part, before the signiory of the
Sanita
and most learned College of Physicians; where I was authorized, upon notice taken of the admirable virtues of my medicaments, and mine own excellency in matter of rare and unknown secrets, not only to disperse them publicly in this famous city, but in all the territories that happily joy under the government of the most pious and magnificent states of Italy. But may some other gallant fellow say, ‘O, there be

140     divers that make profession to have as good and as experimented receipts as yours.'Indeed, very many have assayed, like apes, in
imitation of that which is really and essentially in me, to make of this oil; bestowed great cost in furnaces, stills, alembics, continual fires, and preparation of the ingredients (as indeed there goes to it six hundred several
simples
, besides some quantity of human fat, for the conglutination, which we buy of the anatomists), but, when these practitioners come to the last decoction, blow, blow, puff, puff, and all flies
in fumo
. Ha, ha, ha! Poor wretches! I rather pity their folly and indiscretion than

150      their loss of time and money; for those may be recovered by

industry; but to be a fool born is a disease incurable. For myself, I always from my youth have endeavoured to get the rarest secrets, and book them, either in exchange or for money; I spared nor cost nor labour where anything was worthy to be learned. And, gentlemen, honourable gentlemen, I will undertake, by virtue of chemical art, out of the honourable hat that covers your head to extract the four elements, that is to say, the fire, air, water, and earth, and return you your felt without burn or stain. For, whilst others have been at the
balloo
, I have

160        been at my book, and am now past the craggy paths of study, and come to the flowery plains of honour and reputation.

SIR POLITIC
: I do assure you, sir, that is his aim.

VOLPONE
: But to our price –

PEREGRINE
:                                             And that withal, Sir Pol.

VOLPONE
: You all know, honourable gentlemen, I never valued this
ampulla
, or vial, at less than eight crowns, but for this time I am content to be deprived of it for six; six crowns is the price, and less in courtesy I know you cannot offer me; take it or leave it, howsoever, both it and I am at your service. I ask you not as the value of the thing, for then I should demand of you a

170    thousand crowns; so the Cardinals Montalto, Famese, the great Duke of Tuscany, my
gossip
, with divers other princes have given me; but I despise money. Only to show my affection to you, honourable gentlemen, and your illustrious state here, I have neglected the messages of these princes, mine own offices,
framed my journey hither, only to present you with the fruits of my travels. [To
NANO
and
MOSCA
.] Tune your voices once more to the touch of your instruments, and give the honourable assembly some delightful recreation.

PEREGRINE
: What monstrous and most painful circumstance

180      Is here, to get some three or four
gazets
!

Some threepence i'th'whole! for that 'twill come to.

SONG

You that would last long, list to my song,

Make no more coil, but buy of this oil.

Would you be ever fair? and young?

Stout of teeth? and strong of tongue?

Tart of palate
? quick of ear?

Sharp of sight? of nostril clear?

Moist of hand? and light of foot?

Or I will come nearer to't –

190                            Would you live free from all diseases?

Do the act your mistress pleases,

Yet fright all
aches
from your bones?

Here's a med'cine for the nones.

VOLPONE
: Well, I am in a humour, at this time, to make a present of the small quantity my coffer contains to the rich, in courtesy, and to the poor, for God's sake. Wherefore, now mark: I asked you six crowns, and six crowns at other times you have paid me; you shall not give me six crowns, nor five, nor four, nor three, nor two, nor one; nor half a ducat; no, nor a
moccenigol

200       Sixpence it will cost you, or six hundred pound – expect no

lower price, for by
the banner of my front
, I will not bate a
bagatine
; that I will have, only, a pledge of your loves, to carry something from amongst you to show I am not contemned by
you. Therefore, now, toss your handkerchiefs, cheerfully, cheerfully; and be advertised that the first heroic spirit that deigns to grace me with a handkerchief, I will give it a little remembrance of something beside, shall please it better than if I had presented it with
a double pistolet
.

PEREGRINE
: Will you be that heroic spark, Sir Pol?

        CELIA
at the window throws down her handkerchief
.

210      O see! the window has prevented you.

VOLPONE
: Lady, I kiss your bounty, and for this timely grace you have done your poor Scoto of Mantua, I will return you, over and above my oil, a secret of that high and inestimable nature shall make you forever enamoured on that minute wherein your eye first descended on so mean – yet not altogether to be despised – an object. Here is a powder concealed in this paper of which, if I should speak to the worth, nine thousand volumes were but as one page, that page as a line, that line as a word: so short is this pilgrimage of man (which some call life)

220      to the expressing of it. Would I reflect on the price? Why, the whole world were but as an empire, that empire as a province, that province as a bank, that bank as a private purse to the purchase of it. I will, only, tell you: it is the powder that made Venus a goddess (given her by Apollo), that kept her perpetually young, cleared her wrinkles, firmed her gums, filled her skin, coloured her hair. From her derived to Helen, and at the sack of Troy unfortunately lost; till now, in this our age, it was as happily recovered by a studious antiquary out of some ruins of Asia, who sent a moiety of it to the court of France (but

230      much sophisticated), wherewith the ladies there now colour their hair. The rest, at this present, remains with me; extracted to a quintessence, so that wherever it but touches in youth it perpetually preserves, in age restores the complexion; seats your teeth, did they dance like virginal jacks, firm as a wall; makes them white as ivory, that were black as –

II, iii        [
Enter
CORVINO.]

[CORVINO (
to
CELIA):] Spite o'the devil, and my shame!

[
To
VOLPONE
]                                             Come down here;

Come down! No house but mine to make your scene?

He beats away the mountebank, etc
.

Signior Flaminio, will you down, sir? down?

What, is my wife your Franciscina, sir?

No windows on the whole Piazza, here,

To make your properties
, but mine? but mine?

Heart! ere tomorrow I shall be new christened,

And called the Pantolone di Besogniosi

About the town.

[
Exit
.]

PEREGRINE
:                  What should this mean, Sir Pol?

10    
SIR POLITIC
: Some trick of state, believe it. I will home.

PEREGRINE
: It may be some design on you.

SIR POLITIC
:                                                                   I know not.

             I'll stand upon my guard.

PEREGRINE
:                        It is your best, sir.

SIR POLITIC
: This three weeks all my advices, all my letters,

They have been intercepted.

PEREGRINE
:                        Indeed, sir?

Best have a care.

SIR POLITIC
:               Nay, so I will.

PEREGRINE
[
aside
]:                        This knight,

I may not lose him, for my mirth, till night.

     [
Exeunt
.]

  [
VOLPONE'S
house
.]

          [
Enter
VOLPONE
and
MOSCA
.]

[
VOLPONE
:] O, I am wounded!

MOSCA
:                                              Where, sir?

VOLPONE
:                                                                    Not without;