If Daniel’s intention had been to get an embarrassed reaction from Elliot, Elliot didn’t disappoint. He was red to the tips of his ears. Daniel looked triumphant as he sank back into the booth and tried not to laugh… too loudly.
THEY MADE
arrangements to get together that night. Elliot still had some things at the house he wanted to get finished. He had been painting a room when Daniel came to get him for lunch, and he wanted to complete that. It would probably need a second coat, but Elliot could at least get an even primer coat on it before going back to Daniel’s house.
Elliot mentioned to Ben that he’d be spending the night with Daniel, and Ben spent the rest of the day pouting, if his lack of interaction was anything to go by. Elliot finished his painting, cleaned up the brushes, and set the supplies in the room where he wanted to do the primer coat the next day.
Elliot left at 6:00 p.m., picked up some Chinese food that Daniel had called in, and arrived at Daniel’s place by seven. They lounged in the tiny living room, watching movies from Netflix on Daniel’s wide-screen TV. The only place to sit was an old-but-comfortable sofa, so they ended up there with their feet propped on the coffee table. They actually watched an entire movie and part of another before things turned amorous. Even so, it was leisurely more than passionate, and by mutual agreement they turned off the TV and headed sedately back to the bedroom.
Now that Elliot knew Daniel was an artist, some of the sights he’d seen the last time he visited made more sense. Most of the original artwork in Daniel’s living room had been painted by Daniel himself. The spare room was Daniel’s art room. He had an easel set up near a row of bookshelves that held a myriad of artist’s supplies. Tubes of oil paints stood in a plastic bucket on the top shelf. There were several tall cylindrical containers. The drop cloth under the easel reminisced of many paintings in the past. The room was organized and yet chaotic at the same time, and Elliot thought it perfectly represented the man he was coming to know as well as any of his handful of friends.
“DO YOU
have to stay the night with him?” Ben complains as soon as Elliot starts dreaming the next night. “I can’t even talk to you when you’re not here.”
“I know that, Ben.” Elliot gathers him into his arms. “But I’ve told you I need more than I can get in dreams.” He holds him close and kisses his hair. “I’m trying to spare you having to see us.” Ben wriggles in even closer to Elliot. “It would be weird anyway.” Elliot strokes Ben’s back as he holds him. “Having dreams of a somewhat sexual nature while in another man’s bed.”
“It’s the ‘other man’s bed’ part I have trouble with.” Ben is practically whining.
“Ben, I get it. You’re lonely. We connect.” Elliot pushes him back a little so he can look into his eyes, and he says it as gently as possible. “I can’t be in a monogamous relationship with a ghost, no matter how much I like you.”
“Why not?” Ben whimpers back.
“I wouldn’t be able to stay asleep long enough to give you all the reasons, Ben.” Elliot pulls Ben close again. “And I don’t think there even
are
therapists to cover that kind of insanity, let alone the fact that it would cut into my spending money to pay for the intensive therapy needed if it was available.”
Ben starts protesting into Elliot’s chest, “But—”
“No buts, Ben. I can’t just give up the full-time friends-with-benefits situation I have going with Daniel. I like him. And the sex is really good.” Elliot winces as he realizes he was being insensitive and that statement probably hurt Ben. “I consider you a friend too, Ben. Probably my best friend.” He shakes his head but continues to stroke Ben’s back and arms. “Not that I would ever tell Sheri that.” He hooks a finger under Ben’s chin and pulls his face up to meet his own, kissing him gently. “I think of you as more than a friend, actually.” Stroking Ben’s cheek, Elliot says the one sentence he’s sure Ben doesn’t want to hear. “But I’m not giving up sex with Daniel for you.”
Ben nods gravely and places his head back on Elliot’s chest, not pulling away completely, but kissing is obviously off the table. At least for now.
Elliot accepts what Ben is willing to give but mumbles into his hair, “This is why I don’t do relationships.”
ELLIOT WOKE
up the next morning completely winded, with a pounding heart.
“Great,” he managed after his breathing and heartbeat were finally under control again. “Perfect start to the morning.”
He thoroughly expected it to go downhill from there. He was sure Ben wouldn’t talk to him and he’d have to do all the projects by himself. Surprisingly, though, Ben didn’t seem mad. At least, he didn’t act mad. Elliot was pretty sure Ben was probably still upset and knew that he still didn’t like the arrangement Elliot had with Daniel. But Elliot was glad Ben wasn’t letting the situation get in the way of their friendship.
THE NEXT
several weeks went on the same. Elliot often woke up wheezing and got tired very easily. His heart sometimes felt like it was pounding out of his chest.
He went to his regular doctor’s appointments and told him what was going on. The doctor changed his meds a couple of times and talked with him about the possibility of a pacemaker at some point. Elliot hated it all, but he was dealing. Even better now that he and Ben were getting so close.
Elliot and Ben started the day together, man and laptop. All the time, Ben was getting better at typing. He even used punctuation occasionally, and sometimes capital letters where they should be. Elliot wasn’t one to stand on formality when it came to typed messages from the dead, but he figured it meant that Ben now found it easier to manipulate solid objects. Maybe it took less energy the more he practiced. Elliot wasn’t sure how Ben’s newfound ease of moving things would affect Ben’s reaction to Daniel if he came over. Daniel thought Ben had thrown things with enough force before.
During the day, Ben helped Elliot more with the projects around the house, and the two ended their evenings talking freely in Elliot’s dreams. They were getting closer physically in those dreams but hadn’t gotten past the kissing-and-cuddling stage. Elliot still had a problem with having nightly wet dreams like a teenaged boy, but the closeness with Ben felt good.
In dreams they got to know each other more easily than they could during the day. It didn’t take as much of Ben’s energy to appear there. They had a lot in common. Ben was surprisingly up-to-date for someone who died in the 1860s. Being aware of everything going on in the house over the years had its advantages. Ben had read every book, seen every movie, played every video game that anyone in the house had experienced over the last century and a half. He was a wealth of knowledge, and they’d fallen into a game where Elliot tried to stump Ben with some obscure piece of information. It was fun, but Ben’s vast store of data also allowed them to talk about practically anything, and Elliot thoroughly enjoyed his time with Ben.
ELLIOT WAKES
up to kisses being planted all over his body.
“Ben?”
Ben looks up from the vicinity of Elliot’s groin and smiles. “Who else would it be in your dreams?”
Who else indeed. Elliot has all but stopped having normal dreams, and he never dreams of having sex with anyone else. He doesn’t know if Ben can actually control that or if it’s a side effect of spending so much of his REM cycle with Ben. Either way, Ben is right. It wouldn’t be anyone else kissing him like that.
“A hundred and fifty some years and you’ve never heard of a rhetorical question?” Elliot pets Ben’s head and shoulders, then arms and back, as Ben crawls up Elliot’s body.
Ben effectively shuts Elliot up by capturing his mouth with his own. Ben’s lying completely on top of him, something he’s never done before in the dreams and Elliot’s never allowed anyone to do outside of them. But it feels wonderful having Ben there. Elliot can feel Ben’s weight and his erection rubbing against his own.
“God, Ben. That feels so good.”
“I want to give you more. I want to show you what we could have together,” Ben whispers as he nibbles on Elliot’s neck.
In this moment, Elliot wants nothing else. “Show me.”
Ben slides his hands up Elliot’s sides and cups either side of his face, nuzzling at his neck, his cheekbones, his jawline. Then he captures Elliot’s mouth again, and Ben’s hands seem to be everywhere. Elliot spares a thought to wonder if Ben’s using the dream state to do physically impossible things or if it just feels so good that it seems like it.
Ben’s ubiquitous hands rub Elliot’s nipples into hard nubs, trailing down his lightly furred chest, following the trail to parts usually covered with sleep pants. Elliot suddenly realizes the pants are gone. There are definite advantages to sex in dreams. Clothing can simply disappear when they’re in the way. No awkward struggles to get it off.
Ben is naked now too.
Elliot has never seen him naked before. Not in all the dreams he’s had of the two of them fooling around. Elliot rolls Ben over onto his side and pushes him away just slightly so Elliot can enjoy the view a little better.
“You’re gorgeous,” Elliot says almost breathlessly, kissing Ben senseless for long minutes. When they wind down naturally, Elliot holds Ben close and asks something he’d been wondering for a while. “Is that what your body really looked like or are you projecting what I want to see?”
Ben looks up into Elliot’s eyes. “Do looks matter that much?”
Elliot smiles and kisses Ben’s forehead. “No. Not really. I was just wondering. It’s not like I’ve ever seen you in person. Just in the dreams you gave me of your memories, but I guess you could have changed your appearance there too, if you wanted to. You obviously can manipulate what you’re wearing.”
“If I wear anything,” Ben teases and gives Elliot’s lips a little peck of a kiss.
Elliot smiles at that as he kisses Ben’s nose in response.
“But to answer your question”—Ben is still looking into Elliot’s eyes, emotion there that Elliot doesn’t want to analyze at the moment—“everything is a projection. Spirits don’t have a physical form. For instance, if I had been reincarnated instead of just waiting here all this time, I’d look completely different. Regardless of what all those Hollywood movies would have you believe.” He grins even wider and shifts into a more comfortable position in Elliot’s arms, never breaking his gaze. “But this is pretty close to what I looked like when I was alive. If I remember correctly. It’s been a while since I actually saw myself.”
That explanation is perfectly logical. At least it’s logical here, within the dream. Elliot has no idea if he’ll still think it’s logical when he wakes up.
Elliot runs his hands over Ben’s tanned flesh without worrying about the irony of a ghost being tanned. Elliot gets so lost in sensations that he barely notices when Ben rolls him onto his back again and covers Elliot’s body with his own. Elliot’s always been the one on top during any sexual encounter, or he doesn’t participate. He likes the control. Being on the bottom is too vulnerable, and he’s never trusted anyone enough to tolerate it. But with Ben it barely registers in Elliot’s mind that he’s even on the bottom. It crosses Elliot’s mind that it might only be because he knows this is a dream and that he can’t get hurt here, but it’s more than that. He trusts Ben implicitly and realizes that he would allow this—actually encourage it—even if he was wide-awake. He’s never felt anything like this before. He feels complete around Ben in a way he never has with anyone.
When he shakes himself out of his thoughts, Ben has started to slide back down his body again, following that trail of hair his hands mapped out earlier.
Even as Elliot is overwhelmed by the sensations, he has a scary realization. “I love Ben,” he mumbles to himself, then belatedly hopes Ben didn’t hear it.
Elliot “Run from Relationships” Graham is in love. If Ben were alive, he’d be in deep shit. He’d be picking out rings and talking to pastors. But Ben’s not alive. And this is all they can have. Elliot’s mood crashes, just like that. Even Ben’s physical ministrations don’t take his mind off that fact.
Ben senses a change in Elliot’s mood and trails kisses back up his body. “What’s up?” He looks at Elliot seriously.
Elliot wonders if he can say nothing and get away with it, but that won’t work. “I’m just—” He searches for the word he wants. “—sad that this is all we can have.”
The smile falls off Ben’s face, and Elliot is immediately sorry he caused that.
Ben slides off Elliot and snuggles into his side, but he never breaks eye contact. “This is all I can offer right now. Maybe someday we can have more, but—”
“I don’t see how, Ben.” Elliot pets Ben’s hair to take the sting from the words.
“I know.” He buries his head into Elliot’s chest, allowing Elliot to continue his petting. Ben pulls the blankets over them, and Elliot feels the odd sensation of falling asleep inside a dream.
ELLIOT, AS
usual after a night where he and Ben had a significant conversation about their relationship, was waiting for the next morning to be uncomfortable. It wasn’t. He entered the kitchen, flipped open the laptop, and said, “Morning, Ben,” as he started toward the coffeemaker.
Keys clattered while Elliot pulled some frozen pancakes out of the freezer and popped them into the microwave.
U know u can say good morning 2 me anywhere in the house. Don’t u?
As Elliot read the words, he could almost feel Ben laughing.
“Yeah, but it’s kind of become routine to start the morning in the kitchen.” Elliot answered while getting the butter and syrup out of their respective storage.
You have your laptop in the bedroom. You can open it there and start our conversation earlier.
Elliot wasn’t sure why he hadn’t thought of that.
All that intellect and u didn’t think of that. Did u?
“No,” Elliot groused, slapping butter onto the pancake he’d retrieved from the microwave. “But hush it.”