Authors: Hubert Selby
Argh … damn sunlight. Feels like someone is pressing on my eyeballs … their thumbs. Hot. Must be late. Could never get back to sleep. Cant open my eyes. The sunlight. Why should I open my eyes? Same old shit. The window, the blinds, the curtains, the sunlight, the wall, the goddamn birds, another hopeless day oh god. Yeah, have to get up sooner or later. Piss in the bed. What the hell. Better than getting up. That starts the day. Stay in bed. No day. No nothing. Stay in bed eventually go back to sleep. Cant stay in bed. Cursed to get up. Cant piss in bed. Ah hell, maybe I will be able to go back to bed … No good. Screw a shower. Maybe it will do something. I dont know. Just the thought is so tiring … take off the pajamas, open the shower door, turn on the water, adjust the temperature … oh god, on and on and on, endless … then soap up … pick up the soap, over, your entire body, lift your goddamn legs, each and every little thing impossible, cant even think of it, do it all over then dry your whole goddamn body, oh god … cant lean against this door forever. In or out. Just stand under the water. My legs want to fold. Easy, just hold on. Water does feel good. Whats the point? Still have the whole day to get through … yeah, then another and another and another and on and on … how many days can you take like this? Why bother with this whole mess? Dont even feel like going to Barnards funeral. Not allowed to enjoy yourself. Dont let life see youre happy. Slam dunk! Whammo. This is the Pit and the Pendulum. Its wet, if nothing else. Can I dissolve? Just go down the drain with the water? How long can you just stand here? Its own lethargy. Hypnotic. Am I slowly sliding? Turn around? How? Inch my hands along the sides and hope I dont slip? Little bit at a time? Little more … more … damn, its pounding in my ear … little more … little more … ohhh, that feels good … let it pound my back … how long can I lean against the back like this? I/ll end up sliding down and whacking my head. Stupid way to die. But I would be dead! Wouldnt even know it. Just clunk my head on the wall. Maybe bleed. Could even drown. Fat chance. Be unconscious for a while, water wake me up. Head hurt. Huge lump. Sick. I fell in the shower doctor. Sure, need that kind of humiliation on top of everything. Am I sliding? Water seems to be numbing me. Guess it did feel good … for a while. Gets boring. Water logged. Knew it was stupid. Now I have to turn around again. Not all the way. Reach around and turn off the water. Yeah … that makes it easier. Just breathe for a minute … In … Out … Guess I am awake. Oh well, no chance of sleeping anyway. Ohhh … Slide the damn door open. Jesus, Im so weak. Too much water … dissolved my energy. Comeon, open you … get my hand in here … shove … my god, I can hardly move it … oh no, cant. Too big, too heavy. Air dry. Sure is hot enough. Maybe I can get into the robe … ah no, the hell with it. Big deal, drip on the rug. Wow, really weak. Better sit. Yeah, the whole days ahead. Then another night. Might not sleep tonight. Watch TV? Might put me to sleep? Read a book. Something. Cant get dressed how am I going to get through the day … every endless minute. God, so bright need sunglasses in the house and I feel so black. How can this be? Survived this once. What happened? Howd I get back here? Isnt once enough? It was bad enough then. This is so much darker. To go back into the darkness after being in the light is beyond torture. Must be a god, man isnt capable of such a plan. Too much to control. Too many circumstances. Man cant bring about such inner peace. No. God surely is. Why? Why does this happen? Ahhh, whats the use. Least dont have to wait. Have to get dressed first. Cant shoot yourself naked. How the hell am I going to get dressed? Get the gun? Cant think of moving. Got in the shower, can get the gun. This is ridiculous. Going to sit here naked all day? The rest of your life? At least have some dignity. Heads going to be blown off, least the rest can be presentable. Yeah. Live fast and all that. How do you make a good looking corpse with the top of your head blown off? Its all so stupid. Living, dying. All stupid. So purposeless. Why suffer? Get it over with. Want to sit here, like this, day after day? Maybe for years? What the hells so difficult about putting on some clothes? Done it all your life. Yeah, all my life. Jesus, Im depressed not paralyzed. How stupid can you be? Sitting around naked isnt going to change anything. Yeah … Yeah. Shit! What does it take, 2 minutes? Grab some old khakis … So wacky. A shirt over my head, slide my feet into some shoes. Thats it. Now the gun. Feels good. Looks good. Clean. Sit here for a minute. Why did I wait so long? Feel better already. Know Im not trapped. I have my way out. Can use it anytime I want. Just stick it in my mouth … argh, does taste nasty. Well, not too bad actually. Just a little oily … metallic. Pull the trigger and the taste is gone. Push it actually. Must be something I want to do first. Must have a last request. Yeah … I want to die. I have to die. This will never change. Always feel like this. Cant work. Just sit here and wait to put the barrel in my mouth and pull the trigger. Its all I have to look forward to. My only purpose left. To leave the top of my head on the ceiling. Theres no alternative. Just a matter of time. Inevitable. Cant stand the crushing burden. Of living. Its not living. Living is fine. This darkness of being alive without being able to live is inhuman. I couldnt even wish it on Barnard. Every lousy breaths an eternity. Sit for hours and its only minutes. Struggle to breathe … for what? To struggle. Pointless. Dont know how air gets in. Cant breathe. Wonder how many people will die in this heatwave? Lucky. Theyre free. Dont have to force their way through this madness. Why cant I pull the trigger for gods sake? Oh shit. Cant keep sucking on this thing. Mouth tastes like shit. Just my luck I/ll break my teeth on it. Have to keep trying. One of these times I/ll just pull it and it will be over. I hope. It better be. No, of course not. None of that church stuff. But dont know. Cant be. Cant take your pain with you. That degree of cruelty is beyond imagination. No one … nothing could be so … so … Not even a Barnard. What is he doing now? Is he just dead, or paying for his sins? Dead is dead. At least I know what Im doing. Yeah. I have a purpose. To die. Maybe thats the only purpose. Who knows. Its the purpose of my life … now, today. To die. Something to live for. Yeah, that is weird. Funny. But true. Help get thru the day. Dont feel so hopeless … or helpless. Thank god I got this gun. Im not at the mercy of some evil demon. I can end it. When I choose. Thats enough. To live for. Up to me. No one else. I am in control of my life. Almost feel like working. Maybe later. Might eat. Something in the freezer. Think legs feel lighter. Guess been sitting here all day. Be night soon. Slept last night. Can probably turn on the TV. Later. Make me tired. Might be something decent on. Movie. Oldie,
THE KILLING
. Ohhh,
DRACULA
. Lugosi. No chance. Possible. Festival or something. No, not now. Halloween. Probably
LASSIE
, or
OLD YELLER
. Eechh, drivel. At least not
ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE.
Spared that. Kill the TV. Just before I kill myself. Maybe it will burn in hell. Cant look through the TV Guide. Jesus. Insane. Find it. Pick it up. Read it. Actually go through the pages. Just run through the channels. Take time to suck on the barrel of this thing. Trigger just a few inches away. Fascinating. Snake and bird. Cant see it. Only my thumb. How long can I stare? Starting to blur. Burn. Couple of them. Keep staring … many guns … only guns. Only feel one mouth. Would only feel one bullet. Will I feel it? How long? Maybe nothing. Dead before pain registers. Could be. Dont taste it any more. Not really. Like a smell. Soon you dont notice. Its a taste. Nothing. Just a taste. Not good, not bad. Can ignore it. Gets absorbed. Everything fades eventually. Peanuts. Asparagus. Dont keep eating. Stop for a second at least. Put more in mouth. Get tired of chewing eventually. Jaws. Teeth. Stomach fills. Always have to stop. Eventually. Just suck the barrel. Just in the mouth. No effort. Yeah … I guess. Baby and pacifier. Fall asleep with it in mouth. Will I fall asleep with this in my mouth? Weird. If I twitch. Slight spasm. Boom. Fall asleep sitting up always jerk up. Could pull the trigger. If I sit here like this, long enough, it just might happen. Just like that. Over. Jaws getting tired. Almost as bad as the dentist. Cant sit like this for ever. Know that. Can try. See if trigger gets pulled. Yeah, too heavy. Probably just drop it. God, goes off and shoots me in the leg. Howd I explain that? This wont work anyway. Just get used to having it in my mouth. Damn, now I can taste it. My jaw is creaking. Oh well, just put it on the couch. Arm tired. Am hungry. Almost dark. Late. Yeah, short distance to kitchen. Just check out the freezer. Stick something in the microwave. Grab anything. Pot luck. Later. No TV now. Get this thing cooking. If I can read the directions. Funny, just pushing the buttons Im getting really hungry. True, long time. Still, twice as hungry as was before pushing the buttons. Could put it on a plate and pretend its a real meal. Why bother? Will have to wash the plate. Sooner or later. This is fine. Oh well, its food. Kill the hunger. They always this salty? Maybe that gun oil makes it seem saltier. Oh well … Feels good to move my jaws. Need the exercise. Get muscles in my right hand and jaws. Feels weird … light and achy. Have to keep my arm from flying off into space. Get the circulation back. Been sitting there for hours. No wonder my arm feels so weird. Exercise of eating will help. Yeah, eating keeps you alive. Need to stay alive to kill myself. Like that convict in Sing Sing. Ossining on the Hudson … Riverview Estates. When? Maybe the thirties. Tried to kill himself a few hours before supposed to be electrocuted. Rushed him to the hospital in town, called in specialists, saved his life, then rushed him back to Sing Sing in time to be killed. Makes a lot of sense. Like everything else in this world. Wonder if they indicted him for attempted suicide before they killed him? Cant remember where I read that. Some detective magazine I guess. Couldnt just let the poor son of a bitch die. No.
They
had to kill him or it wouldnt be fair … or some crazy thing. Justice. Thats what they yell about, justice. Hypocritical slimes. They just enjoy killing. They know it doesnt do any good, doesnt stop people from killing. They just enjoy it. Got to find someone to punish or life isnt worth living. Krist, the persons in jail, they cant hurt anyone. On the outside anyway. Just leave them there. If they left him alone he would have died anyway. Yeah, maybe on time … at the stroke of 12 midnight. Ahh, forget it. No point in going crazy. Dyings one thing, going crazys another. May not have to worry about pulling the trigger. TV dinners may kill me. No wonder Americans are so unhealthy, living on this garbage. Yeah … and McDonalds. Jesus, what kind of tastebuds do they have? Do they have any? Raised on potato chips and soda I guess you dont have any tastebuds by the time youre old enough to cross the street by yourself. Give them a tasty, healthy meal and they get sick. Need polluted garbage. Like fresh air … itll killem. Now theres a great idea. New form of warfare. Kill the population with fresh air and good food. It would work. What would happen to the mafia if they couldnt endlessly smoke those cigarettes and guinea ropes and drink espresso? They would fall like leaves in autumn. Gagging, strangling, gasping. Why didnt the FBI think of that? The OCD New anti-crime weapon. To torture them make them drink American coffee and smoke ultra-lights, double filtered, imitation cigarettes. Theyd all confess to anything, even the Kennedy assassination. One way to get rid of the conspiracy theories. Even the Inquisition didnt think of that. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have had impure thoughts.
Youre damn right you did. Who doya think you are, eh, talking likea that?
Mea culpa father.
You betcha ya sweet ass.
Mea fucking culpa.
Thaza right. Go say somea Hail Marys an Lordsa Prayer. An put a bundle inna the poor box—hey, neva mine, justa give it to me, somea bodys always a rippin off the poor box.
Thank you father. Yes father.
Oh yeah, remember, no beatin off.
Gotya padre.
Yeah, sure, I gotya. There really isnt anything to believe in. Not out there. Governments? At best theyre despicable. Yeah, deshpicable. At their very best, the ultimate good, theyre hypocritical. Constantly killing and pillaging because its good business, its good for the
Bottom Line,
the holy grail of capitalism. Never allow anything like the welfare of people to stand in the way of Corporate profits. Comeon, be real, what do the lives of a few million people mean if they get in the way of our … bow your heads children … Bottom Line. And the church. The church! The goddamn church, THOSE RAT BASTARDS!!!! The only thing theyre good for is buggering (what a great word) young boys. I guess they save the little girls for the nuns. Why in the hell do I think of these things? I cant stand living in the rotten world. Why torture myself? Why do I keep looking, around at the world and seeing it for what it truly is? The pain of living is unbearable under any circumstances, why do I aggravate myself like this? Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Help me. Please, help me. If you really exist, you skinny jew bastard, help me kill myself. I know you didnt have the balls to do yourself in, you forced others to do it and their blood is on your hands. Pilate wanted you to just take a walk, but you refused, you forced him to turn you over to the mob and now they have to share the guilt of your death. Thats why you came back so soon, to atone for your sins … yeah, and you got a long time to do that. You not only forced all those people to become murderers, but you are responsible for Christianity, and the hundreds of millions upon millions of lives that have been destroyed. Still being destroyed. Every day. Every day! You have any idea what thats like? Do you? Do you even give a rats ass? You cant. Well, I hope you really are the big kahuna you claim to be. Yeah. Then you can feel the pain of all those hundreds of millions of souls you helped bring to the depths of despair and anguish. I dont know why I even talk to you. You are beyond loathsome. But Im still going to offer you the chance to atone, to do something for someone once in your life. Help me pull this trigger. Help me end my pain and suffering. Help me to get free of this life. This impossible life of anguish and misery. Do that for me and I will forgive you. I will give you absolution and you can get your skinny ass out of here. Youve got 24 hours jc. Thats it. 24 hours. And its your last chance for atonement. Grab it while you can. That big weasel in the sky must be pissed off at you and is probably getting ready to zap your ass. Which is fine with me, but that may be a long time in coming and I want to get out of this shit now … right now! I dont see why you should be allowed to continue to inflict pain and misery on the world. Seems to me its an offer you cant refuse. Youd better go for it jewboy, this special offer can not be repeated. Its a one time, one day offer. Now please, get outta here. I wouldnt want my friends to see me talking to you. Allowing street people in the house is one thing, but you … Ahhh, ate the whole tv dinner and Im still alive. Well, it took Barnard a while to die. Food poisoning doesnt happen instantly. Maybe tv dinners are part of the communist conspiracy. Hang the capitalists on their own petard. O krist, damn near midnight. Im still here. Shit! Well, no need to get depressed. May be able to kill myself tomorrow. Maybe I/ll die tomorrow. If I do, will it make me a plagiarist? O krist, around and around. All I do is sink deeper and deeper into the morass of misery. Cant live and cant die. The eternal and perpetual torture. That is always the essence and thrust of torture … the threat of death yet never bringing it about. Only pain … Only pain. In time its the promise of death that tortures. How did life get to be like this? Was it created this way? Seems that way. If you believe the bible. From the very beginning they were killing each other. Thousands and thousands of years before the jew boy. Christians are Johnnys come lately when it comes to murder, mayhem, raping and pillaging. They learned fast though. Givem credit. No worse than anybody else though. Ohh, so what? Whats the big deal? People always find a way to justify killing each other. Thats part of the foundation of all these religions, justification. Having your friend killed so you can grab his wife can be justified when you believe its in the name of god … or the devil made me do it. Either way. Create a belief system to justify the satisfying of your lust. Scared of homosexuals and women??? become a christian fundamentalist and believe god told you how evil they are so its just fine to kill them. Just dont get caught in a motel room with one … with your pants down. Naughty, naughty. O krist, guess I have to go to bed. Weary of all this. Weary. Thank god I didnt dirty a dish. Dont want dirty dishes around when they find me. Cant lift the damn gun. Wont shoot. Cant will it to … or my finger to pull. Better leave it here. Too exhausted. No accidental shots. When it goes off the barrels going to be in my mouth. Oh god … I/ll wake up. I know it. I/ll wake up. The demonsll be waiting. Like vultures. Drooling. Waiting. Silent. Ugly … beyond ugly … beyond grotesque. Beyond … beyond what? Cant take any more. Cant stand. Bodys warped. So weak. Couldnt lift it with two hands. Have to sleep. Cant stay awake. I/ll go mad. Devoured by demons. Gnawing through my skull. Sucking the fluid from my spine … the marrow from my bones. Dripping acid into my brain. The cries of tortured children in my ears. The ravages of cancer, the screams of the bloated bodies on the battle fields … every cry for help, every plea for mercy mauling my mind and clawing my heart oh god, is there no end to any of this? no beginning to erase? no light anywhere??? no glimmer for the dark recesses of my mind???? All under a bushel. Hidden away. Saved for another day. For yet another day … and another and another … Please … something, something … anything, somewhere. Mercy. I ask only to die. Is that so much? too much? Can such a request possibly be beyond reason? To just die. Thats all. Not wealth … or fame or power or … or adulation. Death. That is all. Death. Totally. Completely. Irrevocably. A simple request from a tortured soul. Repent jesus. Atone for your sins. How simple a request. No moving of mountains hence. No water to wine … fishes and loaves … no Lazarus corning forth. You brought your friend back. How selfish. Theres a body missing. In this huge vast scheme of madness theres a vacancy, a missing body. Dont you see what youve done? The universe is out of balance because of your selfishness. You wanted to keep your friend around, thats, all you cared about. Yourself. Always you. You are all that matters. Look at the madness in the world, a world trying to fill that vacancy. How many more lives must needlessly be destroyed? I will fill that vacancy. I offer to bring balance back to this universe. I make no sacrifice. I do not claim martyrdom, as you did. I admit and accept my selfishness. Yet the need is there and I can fulfill it. Atone you hypocrite. Give up your self-centered self-aggrandizement. We can both be free. Allow me to die and be absolved of your sins. I ask … pray, that I will close my eyes and be cushioned tenderly by the darkness, and that the darkness will be eternal. Oh, its certainly a consummation devoutly to be wished. That is all I ask. No salvation. No eternal life. Just eternal darkness. Sweet, beloved darkness. Please … please, come to me … soothe me … enlighten me with the impenetrable blackness … blackness for this night and all eternity … Ahhh sweet black blessing … my heart beseeches … my arms await to embrace you, my mind hungers for your kiss. Kiss away my tears … soothe my tortured heart with your darkness.