Authors: Hubert Selby
Ohh, must have been at this a long time, shoulders and neck stiff. Arg, cant rotate them … a little anyway … ohh, thats better. Decompression time. Seems like the machine sucks me right into it sometimes. Like Ive been on a trip. Little disoriented. Yeah, right. Decompression. Dont pop to the surface too soon. Ahh, that feels better. Stretch this, stretch that. Youd think I was an athlete instead of a computer engineer: Maybe chess. Some of those guys run. Prefer walking. In a hurry, drive. Wow, look at the time. Was in there quite a while.
Mr Barnard please.
Mr Barnard isnt in.
Oh … Will he be back soon?
Afraid not. Can I help you with something?
Nooo, afraid not. Really need to speak to him. When is he expected back?
We have no idea. Hes in the hospital.
Hospital? (no, no, no singing, no hallelujahs) Whats wrong with him?
Not sure. Food poisoning maybe.
Sorry (jesus, no laughing) to hear that.’
Can I take a message? Maybe someone else can help you.
No, no thanks.
It may be a while before he gets back.
It can keep.
Oh yes, oh yes, it can keep … And keep and keep and keep. Oh, I should have asked him how he got food poisoning. Probably that nasty coffee shop. Board of Health should shut that place down. Maybe he/ll sue them. Or his heirs. Heirs and assigns, heirs and assigns. What a day, what a day. ‘Oh what a beautiful morning’, morning, afternoon whats the difference, the Dodgers lost again and Barnards in the hospital Oh happy days are here again. Whoa, better quiet down a bit, the neighbors might wonder what all the noise is about. Too early for a party, might think someone is killing me. Im killing me. This is so wonderful … beyond belief, so far beyond belief. I was hoping … trying not to hope but hoping, thinking, thinking, but this is beyond all expectations. I cant ever recall feeling so happy, so elated, so … so solid … so excited … yeah, how incredible … so excited and peaceful. All that work, the research, preparations, administration, the incredible fear and it worked. It all worked. I feel so … so … right, so validated. Yeeaahh validated!!!! Its all coming together. Hes not dead yet, but I know what Im doing. I did it. The culture worked. It worked. I can duplicate it anytime I want. Maybe he
is
dead by now. Feel like Zorba the Greek dancing, spinning, thats me Zorba … Yes … Val-I-dAted. The gods are smiling and shining. Validate. Vali—no, wait … wait … yeah … Oh yeah, Im not just validated, Im sanctioned. YEAH YEAH YEAH SANCTIONED!!!! Whoa, better plop on the couch and sit for a while, getting dizzy spinning around in circles. Enough of Zorba. Everythings enough. I AM SANCTIONED! Yes! Of course, thats what I was feeling, thats what was on the tip of my tongue, the thing I could taste. Ohh, better start calming down. No hysteria. Sane. Oh how blessed. Indeed. Sanctioned. Okay, okay, let it go … breathe in … breathe out … breathe in … breathe out … Thats it. Slow down. S l o w d o w n … Good. Oh, the paper. Never did read the comics. Thats it. Easy. Just breathe in and out. Yeah … Deserve celebration. Wind down. Paper helps. Meaningless prattle. Page after page. What the hell. Haha, thats really funny. Im reading the obits. Didnt know it. How wonderful. Couldnt write something like that. Whod believe it. Too corny. Never did it. Say first sign of age. Obits. Guess they like to think they won. Still here reading others obits. Yeah. Well I cant wait. Could call the hospital. Later. Dont know theyll tell me hes dead. I guess theyll give him a big spread. He was rotten enough to be praised. Nice black border around it. Maybe in color. Magenta border. Blue type. Oh yeah, flowers and butterflies around the edges. Slugs and leeches would be more appropriate. No, we wont speak ill of the dead. Why bother? Just knowing hes dead is enough. Cold stone dead. So who did die? Hmmm, not one familiar name. All survived by a ‘loving’ somebody. Husband, wife, children, dogs, cats, bill collectors … Amazing how many people love each other in the obits. Easier there than anywhere else. Survived by a dog. Who paid for the obit? ASPCA. With love, Fido. His dog will missim. Hope his wife—widow—celebrates. Not even get a headstone. Dropim in a hole. Yeah … every spouse loves every deceased. You bet. But when they were alive? I can see them looking down on him, laid out in a casket, and saying I love you. Oh yeah. I love you. You make my heart go pitter patter, patter patter, kaflunk. How about a James Earl Jones deep resonant I love you? Works for me. Immolations nuts. Some women jump in his grave. True to the end. What a tradition … sentence. Your husbands dead so burn bitch. Worlds nuts. Control their wives even when dead. Yeah, death can perpetuate tyranny. Create martyrs. Cleanse tyrants. Death is no equalizer. Can be a magnifier. Lot invested in death. Belief systems. After life. Hocus pocus. Let us now extol the virtues of this fine and noble man, who gave so generously and unstintingly of himself to make life easier for others. Who, who … where, where???? Wonder what you feel? Doesnt seem so inviting now. Livings better. Do you hear people crying??? laughing??? the dirt on the box? Too spooky. Deads dead. Well no, hes not dead … yet. Soon. No hurry. Does a coma hurt? Seems painless. Wonder. No, no need to wish that. The act is just, as is the result. Enough. Life goes on. What follows may also be just. His replacement may be just. Possible. No longer has anything to do with me. Im free of him and the torment. May not give me any info. Can call anyway, but … Wonder what makes a man be like that? Cause so much trouble for people. Guess he just doesnt care. Does he know now? Will he ever be aware? Find out when dead? No point. Well, yeah, if reincarnations real. Hows it work, come back as a leper? Gone. No. bells. Come back as an ice cream truck. Yeah … a dingaling. Oh well, Im allowed. Really starting to feel restless. Could walk around the square. Browse. Not tempting. Suddenly sluggish. Lethargic. What the hell???? Ass dragging. Need to eat. Thatll help. Dont really feel like eating. Hungry though. Idea of fixing something or going to a restaurant seems impossible. Like I/d rather starve than bother. Damn. This is nuts. Eyes so heavy. Why in the hell should I be tired? Plenty of energy just a minute ago. Yeah … I guess … but feel too tired to call. In a minute maybe. Dont care. Like, not important. Damn! feeling so great and wham, cant get off the couch. Weighed down. Legs weigh a ton. Jesus, like when I wanted to shoot myself. Well, big difference. But body feels almost the same. No reason to feel so sad. Out of nowhere. Again, wink of an eye. But not depressed. Not truly. Just sluggish. Guess I could order a pizza. Why not? In a minute. Yeah. Better than going out. Yeah, sure, I can call … just not right now He/ll be there in an hour or so. No, of course not. Im not afraid to find out what is happening. Hes either dead or alive and theyll tell me or they wont. Simple. No, not afraid to call. Nothing to fear. Jesus, its no big deal. This is ridiculous. Sit here debating a stupid phone call. Really think Im hungry.
Marios pizza.
Hi. I/d like to order a medium pizza, extra garlic.
Extra garlic.
Yeah.
Thats it, no extra cheese or nothing?
No. Just garlic.
Coke, Pepsi?
No, no. Just the pizza.
Gotchya.Wheres it goin?
626 Selby Avenue.
20, 25 minutes.
Good.
Feels good already. Guess Im hungrier than I thought. Got me looking at the clock already. What the hell. Still in my hand.
Veterans Administration Hospital.
I/d like to find out how a patient is.
What is their name?
Barnard. Mr Barnard.
One moment please …
Are you a member of the family sir?
No. Just a friend.
Mr Barnard is still in Intensive Care.
Is he alright … ? I mean is he … ?
That is all the information I have sir. You would have to consult with a member of the family.
Oh, I see. Fine. Thank you.
Good evening sir.
So, ICU. Thats not bad. No. Not bad at all. No information. Even better. Not critical. Not dangerous. Not stable. Not anything. Good sign. May not make it through the night. ‘With a little bit of luck, with a little bit of luck, with a little bit of bloomin luck.’ Call tomorrow. Maybe earlier. We/ll see. Wont worry about that. Go to the coffee shop and eavesdrop. Theyll know whats happening. Somebody in his department will know. No secrets there. Wow! Yeah! Maybe the coffee shops closed. Possible. Food poisoning. Could go see. Better not eat there. If he got food poisoning there. Better safe th—Ahh, the pizza.
Well … another day, another dollar, as the saying goes. And as goes Maine so goes the Nation. Right. Right down the tubes. But not today. Ah, today. Its here. So what happens now? Now I get up and pee, then shower, then … then we/ll see what happens. So, theyre still here and still singing. Has to be a good day. Dont think I dreamt. Feel refreshed. Terrific. Finches chirp the
basso continuo
, the mockingbirds fly with the melody. Hey, thats a good one. Like that. ‘Listen to. the Mockingbird, Listen to the Mockingbird, and the’—I see you pussy cat trying to sneak up on that mockingbird, look out—up, there he goes, up, up and away … Better luck next time—Hey … yeah, I like that. I see you. I C U. Yeah, IC U, IC University. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight on for IC U. Give me an I, give me a C, give me a U. Ra, Ra, Ra!!!! The IC U … IC U what? Spartans? Trojans? Condoms? Not bad. Wildcats? Pussycats? Not macho enough. Come on, Fight, Fight, Fight for ol Pussycats? Yeah, sure. Maybe Razorbacks? Humpbacks? Hey, thats a whale of an idea. Okay, dump that too. Pelicans? Any Pelicans? I dont know. Doesnt seem to sing. Im an IC U Pelican. No pizzazz as they say. Ducks! God, how can anybody want to go to a school to be called a ‘Duck’? A Spartan or Trojan, okay Even Condom. But Duck? Fight on you Duckeepoos. Yeah, killers. Sandcrabs. Lobster backs. Cripples! Hey, thats it, The IC U Crips. Fight on oh mighty Crips, Fight on for IC U. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fight on oh mighty Crips, Fight on for IC U. Yeah … but you dont see me. Nobody sees me. No one did see, has seen, is seeing, will see. No peekaboo, ICU. Not even a masked man who gallops toward the setting sun. Or the rising sun. Depends on the situation. If it takes all night to do in the bad guys. Anyway, he had Tonto. Him honest injun, but better nobody knows. The Shadow do, but Margo Lane???? Better not. Look what happened to Jesse James. John Dillinger. Benny One Ball. Tragic cases, one and all. Guess that pussy cat is going to have to find some mice. Didnt think of that, IC U Rats. Equal rights for rats. Good cause. Dogs. Pussy cats. Horses. Elephants. Eagles. Hairy chested nut scratcher. On and on. Every creature has someone trying to protect it. Even people. But no one cares about rats. The rat of the month club. Wont fly. That cat does alright. Here every day and hes well fed. Yeah … time to get something to eat. Another walk in the early morning light … well, not so early really. But morning. On a roll. Every time I eat there. Comes up roses. Eggs bright eyed and bushy tailed, whole wheat toast,
café au lait,
and … the paper. Yes, yes indeed.
Andiamo.
A pleasant breakfast. Pleasant time. Really nice people. Smile a lot. Should go back tomorrow. Lots of clicking and clanging. Nice. Sort of comforting, those sounds. Smells too. Hey, the Dodgers lost again. If I eat there twice a day will they lose twice a day? Have to check it out. What the hell, one game a day is fine. Anything more might be a record. Dont want them in Guinness’s for anything. Think I/ll walk around the block. Pretty good, IC U Crips. Crips with a fight song. Something wonderful about that. IC U Condoms aint bad. Nah. Crips. And nobody knows. Maybe I dont even know. Thats really safe. Nothing to feel safe from. Many have food poisoning. Happens every day. Board of Health is too lax in their inspections. Inefficiency of Government Agencies. How many deaths could be prevented each year if the government did its job? Astronomical figure. Shame. All these fast food places packed with kids. Who can make the connection? Twenty or thirty years old and they have a degenerative condition of some kind. Cant eat that poison all your life. If they cleaned up those places it would save billions in medical costs. Some one should do an exposé. Ahh, what good would it do? Lots of noise and rhetoric and in the end it is all in the hands of some bureaucrat like Barnard. Peekaboo Barney, ICU. Feel like I could walk all day. Better get back. Get to work. Been walking quite a while. Feels good. Work beckons. I reckon. Like going home to a friend. The clicking and hum when you boot up. Best to work when ever possible. Cant predict the future. Circumstances may prevent working for a while. Possible. Anyway, if you love it do it. Hey, thats another good one. Should make a list of these goodies. Copyright them or something. Cant make a buck from everything. Some people can. It seems. Amazing the ways people can make money. Wonder if they enjoy it? Probably the challenge. Must be. Yeah … must be. Thats the thing. Money without challenge? Why bother? If you dont love it dont do it. Obvious converse. What the hell, its good too. What a wonderful thing life can be. God … wake up singing. Hot shower. Walk in pleasant weather … perfect weather. Lovely street. Pussy cat and birds in harmony. Yeah … sure. As long as the bird is swift of wing. Lose myself in work. How can people deny the existence of God? Madness. Divine order is so obvious. Could be. Divine order could be perception. I suppose its inexorable and inevitable. Oh well, all a mere bagatelle. Fight, fight, fight. Fight on for IC U, fight on to do or die. Give me a C, give me an R, give me an. I, give me a P, give me a S, CRIPS, CRIPS, CRIPS. FIGHT, FIGHT FIGHT! Death before dishonor. Never daunted by the foe. We/re the Crips for ever moe. Ever onward and upward. Excelsiorrr!!!!
I look in the mans eyes, I examine his heart, and I find no fault in him. Some will disagree with much that he says, even more with what he has done, yet I see no fault in him. I judge him not. He walks, enjoys the morning, goes home and sits in front of his computer, works, and in a short time is absorbed in solving the problems and answering the questions his work presents to him this lovely morning. He will continue working until he decides to stop; he will call the hospital when he so decides. It is all up to him.