Authors: Hubert Selby
god, just a dry run and my heart is pounding. It went perfectly. Not a hitch, not a drop spilled. Details, details: Pay attention to details. Its all in the details. Yeah … youre right, this is going to work. I can feel it in my bones. It is going to work. Keep practicing. No complacency. By the time the culture is ready, I/ll truly be fine tuned like a violin … or a racing car. Always the details.
Well, according to this tester theres enough E.coli in this culture to take care of half the city. Well, theres no reason why we cant take care of Barnard tomorrow.
Someone elses error gave me the time to see mine. Providence?
Okay, time to start. Ive tracked that prick Barnard long enough. Time to review, a check list. Culture is virulent, more than ready. Bottle is ready. Know where to park. Can empty my bottle in his coke with my eyes closed. Can walk the route from the lunch room to the car with my eyes closed. Everything has been tested and retested. I am ready. Better do it now. Dont want to over train and become stiff and inflexible. Must remain loose and focused on the process. Fascinating … absolutely fascinating. Feel like any moment now I/ll be so focused on the process that I/ll become a part of it and just flow through the ether and become a part of every atom, every proton and quark and resonate through out the Universe … all of it … all, all … Who knows, perhaps some day it will come to pass. Oh, what a sublime thought, to float free of the body and mind, just a pulse in space … but it would be
my
pulse,
my
awareness, awareness of freedom, free from the vice-like oppression that has crushed me all my life and guys like Barnard who are forever frustrating me, torturing me, letting me get just so far then slamming the door in my face, forcing me to struggle just to prove I deserve my daily bread, god what animals these people are, worse than the goddamn mafia, at least theyre out and out thieves and murderers, but these others always pretend theyre your friend, here to help us—help us! help us go crazy. They know I deserve those benefits and they just keep turning me down for no reason at all, no justifiable reason and I have to prove over and over that I—ahhh, the hell with it. Im tired of all this madness. Tomorrow I/ll give him a little taste of what hes been serving. After tomorrow he/ll never frustrate me again. And I/ll not get careless. Now that I have a true purpose to life I have no worry about my mind not staying focused. Its almost too easy. He doesnt know me from Adam. He doesnt even know my name. All he knows is that another form letter is going out over his signature denying benefits. Perhaps I should bump into him and smile—no, no, none of that. No bravado, no silly games. Keep focused and remain as inconspicuous, as anonymous as possible. Nothing out of the ordinary. Take nothing for granted. I wonder what it will be like? I can feel my stomach fluttering just thinking about it. Ive never killed anyone like this, not that its really killing, I mean its no different than a war, but this is different than those killers too, its not like Im some kind of professional assassin. Not at all. Merely a spokesman for -the oppressed, a mere conduit for a micro-organism … yeah, thats right, yeah, only a conduit, an ambassador so to speak. But will I be able to do it? God, my bowels are rumbling just thinking about it. I/ll be alright. Its him or me. Thats what it comes down to, him or me, and better him. No, I dont care if he has a family. They deserve what they get. They must be just like him, or will be. He doesnt care if we have families or not, if our children suffer because he enjoys torturing us, enjoys refusing our claims. The greatest joy of his life is making certain we do not get what we have worked for and deserve. I can just see him coming home at night and telling his wife and children how many veterans disability claims he turned down today, and how proud they are of him. Youre damned right I dont feel sorry for them any more than they feel sorry for us. In a sense you can say Im simply doing what hes been doing all these years, Im rejecting his claim. Ha ha, thats a good one, I like that, rejecting his claim.
Enough. Ive got to stop all this rambling and meandering. Need to relax and get a good nights sleep. I definitely do not want to be groggy tomorrow. Must have my wits about me. So … A nice warm bath, a glass of warm milk, and to bed.
The man lies on his side, facing away from the window, so the light has yet to penetrate his closed lids, only an ear and part of a cheek visible so it is not certain, certainly not by whatever expression there may be on his face, if his sleep is peaceful and dreamless, yet it would seem there can be no nightmares, even though his decision of the night before, and the events that are ahead of him this day, are, to say the least, momentous. How many times is the question Can I kill him? turning itself around in his mind? Can he, in the safety of sleep, reply: I am not killing him, E.coli is? His face is still not visible, yet there are significant twitchings in his body, perhaps unnoticeable to an untrained eye, yet clearly apparent, twitchings that indicate that all is not peaceful, that there is an ever increasing activity in his mind, an activity not unknown to many. The room grows brighter and brighter and the light eases itself through his eyelids and soon he will be awake and not concern himself with what may have happened while he slept but most certainly will concentrate on the day before him, a day that will be momentous no matter what he may elect to do.
Guess its a nice day out there. Bright in here. Can feel it on my lids. Seems a little heavy. Keeps shutting my eyes. Well … have to open them sooner or later. Have plenty of time. All morning. Feel a little tired, a bit sluggish. Shower will take care of that. Okay. Just pop them open and sit up.
There you go. Better get in the shower.
Oh god, that feels good. Wonder who invented the shower? A stroke of pure genius. It turns the whole day around. Always feel better after a shower. No matter how rotten you feel when you get up. Always. Seem to feel pretty good anyway. Just another day. Surprised Im so relaxed, guess I expected to be a little tense, sort of uptight … I dont know, maybe kinda worried about this whole thing. It is a big day. It really is a big deal. Dont feel that way though. Well, you know this isnt a spur of the moment action. A lot of work and research, a lot of research and pin point planning have gone into this endeavor, so you see its not surprising Im relaxed. Sit back and enjoy the morning and save my energy for this afternoon. Oh, I do know what Im doing, you can bet on that …
As a matter of fact it is extraordinary how relaxed I am. Wont be long I/ll be leaving and seeing gods gift to the VA and wishing him
bon appetit,
wonder if he/ll get a pain in the gut, O krist I hope so. A little poetic justice. At least that. Cant choke him … well, could probably get away with it. People get caught because theyre stupid … or nutcases. They dont stay focused. Some dont even have a plan. Just like to kill people. Advertise their guilt. Too much evidence all over. Dumb psycho business of wanting to get caught. Or the obvious connection. They check the files for people who want to kill Barnard theyd find thousands, thousands … hundreds of thousands. Hey, natural causes. Contaminated food. Cant get caught. No crime. Should get there early. Park the car close, not too close. Easy walk to the coffee shop. Bad idea to get there too early. Hang around and some one gets paranoid and calls the cops. Planning always pays off. Guess thats why Im so relaxed. Nice and easy. Just drive normally, walk normally. No big thing. Just another day.
Traffics not too bad. Maybe most of the crazies stayed home today. Not too bad a drive. Going west this time of day helps. Traffics bad enough without the sun blinding you. Amazing lack of self consciousness. Dont feel like I have to watch every car. Just keep alert. Stay in the right lane and always yield the right of way. It always amazes me how inconsiderate most drivers are. A little common courtesy would prevent 90% of the accidents. Just let the other guy have the right of way. Krist, youd think their lives depended on getting ahead of everyone. Weave in and out, cut people off and for gods sake dont use your directionals, whatever you do dont signal you dumb son of a bitch, just wander back and forth, zip across 10 lanes of traffic, thats fine, maybe cause a few accidents, even kill a few people, but what the hell, you own the fucking street so you can do what in the hell you want and whatever you do, dont go to all the trouble of pushing the lever up or down, please, please, I know it takes too much energy so dont bother, please, dont bother just go your merry way and dont fucking signal you numb nuts son of a bitch jesus krist common courtesy is ancient history with these maniacs, love to just ram one of those bastards sometime, just plow right into him then go my merry way with my finger extended toward the heavens and send a few of these bastards to hell, god I hate these creepy bastards, oh shit, I have to get over to make a left, you son of a bitch, why cant you let me in you miserable prick god how I hate them, they can see Im trying to get over what the hell do you think that blinker means, the car has palsy fuckem, I/ll just stay right here until someone lets me in, let them honk all they want I dont give a shit how far back traffic is blocked Im—thanks, thanks, krist, why couldnt someone have done that a half hour ago well fuck them all, krist, they got me all fucked up, my heads spinning and it looks like theres no place to park on this rotten street, oh shit, what the fuck am I gonna do drive up and down the street until I find something or attract the attention of a cop, goddamn it, cant park in the lot, just cant take that chance, have to be able to get to the car and just drive away, not get caught in some fucking traffic jam in the lot because some asshole is going the wrong way or, oh, thank krist, that guys getting out, in the shade too, dont need a boiling hot car from sitting in the sun, not today, what time, oh I have more than 20 minutes oh shit, I feel all fucked up just because of those asshole drivers, oh fuck, wheres the bottle, what happened, I had it oh, here it is, better sit here for a minute, cant even see straight oh shit this better—cant get all fucked up because of those shit heads, I just cant, I cant postpone it, cant do that, it/ll spook everything, have to just relax, oh god, my fucking stomach is knotted and cramped, I think I have to shit, oh no, this cant be happening, its killing me, have to move, have to get my legs to move, cant sit here any longer, have to get going, have to oh shit almost opened the door in front of that car, jesus, my heart is pounding all over my chest and clogging my throat, this is insane, I was doing so well until those assholes … gotta breathe, nice and slow … in … out … in … out …
okay, can open the door now, just walk nice and slow oh shit, gotta lock the goddamn thing. Thats all I need, come back here and the cars gone, stolen by one of those low lifes. Okay, theres no need to rush. Nice and slow. Just sort of saunter to the coffee shop. Breathe slowly, walk slowly. Stay alert. Just stroll. Going to meet a friend and have a little lunch. No big deal. Slow. The sweats burning my eyes. Stand in the shade a minute. Im soaking wet. How did I get so wet? Breathe. Slow … Slow.
The man stands in the shade of a building. A tall building. The work home for thousands. Tall enough to cast a shadow the man is grateful for, a long shadow that stretches to the flower beds. He wipes at the sweat with a handkerchief, but there is no cooling breeze so the sweat continually replaces itself. But it does lessen. It does not drip from his face, it is simply moisture oozing from his pores. He attempts to regard his body in a window to see if it looks as wet as it feels. He doesnt want to be obvious so his attempts are not overly successful. As best as he can determine by looking sideway in the glass while doing all possible to appear to be inspecting the sky, he gives the impression of being dry. Is this important? Apparently he believes so. He is concerned with not looking overheated and thus conspicuous. He still remembers to be aware of his breathing, to breathe slowly, to appear relaxed. He places his wet handkerchief in his rear pocket and slides his hands in his front pockets to dry them. This is of the utmost importance. What folly, it would be to have the bottle slide from his hand because it is wet. A fiasco of monumental proportions. It is almost time to enter the coffee shop. He appears frozen in the heat. He forces his body to turn, however slightly, then turns his head.
Oh my god, there he is … hes going into the coffee shop
The, man is rigid. Stiff beyond recognition. A piece of statuary. It appears his heart is pounding at his chest, seeking freedom from the confines of its home. An eternal moment. Truly. How strange that people are still walking, birds still flying. Is everyone, and everything, unaware that time is standing still, it, too, frozen in the heat?
O krist, I feel like Im going to faint. What in the hell is this, Ive got to move but my legs are so fucking weak, think Im going to fall if I move. I cant do this. I cant go through with it. I didnt expect this. Somethings choking off my air everythings going around in circles. Cant get my legs to work oh god, think Im gonna puke and shit my pants. Its not supposed to be like this, Im just supposed to dump the culture in his coke and go home. Its not supposed to be a big deal. I mean, nothing might happen. Might not even get sick. I dont know if I did a good job on the E.coli culture. How do I know those test kits are accurate? Would think two wouldnt be wrong. Both the same reading … more or less. Just have to assume the tests are accurate, that the culture is deadly. Followed all the directions. Oh god. Let me get inside, out of the heat. Just lean against the window and slide around the corner to the door. That son of a bitch is at the salad bar like nothings going on. Hes fucking oblivious. What the fuck does he care how many people he fucks over. Doesnt give it a fucking thought. Well youre gonna give something some thought scumbag because this is going to be your last meal, oh that cold air feels good. Wow, like a slap in the face. Thats all that was wrong. Too hot. Yeah. Feel much better. Yeah, I/ll just stand here a minute, catch my breath, and just ease my way over toward him, come up from behind … just nice and slow and steady oh god, I cant believe Im really going to do this oh jesus, there go my legs and my stomach, oh shit, not again, I cant let this happen, I cant let this rotten son of bitch get away with it, I just cant, I dont care how dizzy I am, oh god, help me, help me get it in his coke, only a few more feet, the bottles ready jesus my hands all wet o krist I shouldve wrapped it in tape jesus Im trembling so much I can hardly see, I/ll have to hold it with two hands, o krist I cant do it, I cant … okay, relax, relax … in … out … in … out … okay, everythings fine, his coke is right there, plenty of room, almost half empty, just reach over toward the beets … dump it in, thats it, nothing to it, done, done, just pick up your tray and move, just keep moving, have to keep these legs moving, keep moving, keep moving, for krists sake dont stop now, dont look around, just keep moving, toward the door, its getting closer and closer, just keep moving, getting closer no, dont, look behind you, keep moving, toward the door, ahhh, just a shove yeah, out, out, nice and warm, oh that feels good, nice and warm, shivering stops, just needed to be in the warmth and keep moving, for krists sake dont panic, dont run, nice and easy, remember how you walked before, just strolling, hands in your pockets and stroll, feel the warmth of the sun, oh how good that feels, gets right to the marrow of your bones, dont look back, move your head, be normal, but dont look back, nice and easy, feel the sun on your face, oh great, dont hear anything, no commotion, he didnt notice a thing, just kept piling food on his plate, just keep strolling, beautiful day, jesus, Im so excited feels like my chest is going to explode, feels like Ive been hit with a bat, or pounded by Ali, I/ll never make it to the car, krist I have to sit soon, getting wobbly again, got a real cotton mouth oh shit, I walked right past the car, okay, okay, no panic, we/ll just turn around and go back, take a look and see if … no, no activity, just usual people traffic, everythings okay, just get in the car, damn cant get the fucking key in the lock, oh god, okay, okay, nice and easy, there, open the door slowly, nice and slowly, ease into the car, now breathe in … breathe out … breathe in … breathe out … thats it nice and slow, just relax, nice and easy, have to get going, cant sit here too long, looks suspicious … take small side streets, slowly, carefully oh god, I cant get the key what in the hells wrong with this o krist I cant make it get in the lock you rotten get in there oh god the steering wheel feels good on my forehead maybe I can just sit here like this for a while with my eyes closed and catch my breath Im shaking so much I cant see straight oh no gotta sit up someone sees me like this theyre liable to think Ive had a heart attack or something just have to get out of here oh shit I cant see, everythings fogged up damn what the hells going on just take it easy, comeon breathe … yeah breathe … okay can see where Im going nice and slow people get pissed off because Im going slow the hell withem … but I cant, cant attract attention have to get to the side streets, just hold on a few more blocks nice and easy the seat belt gotta get that on oh shit get in there o krist I hope some kid doesnt come running out in front of the car those crazy skateboarders are everywhere or a cat they go crazy sometimes and run right at the car oh please no kids no cats no kids no birds no nothing just have to get home oh great lots of trees on this block and no traffic makes it so much easier no sun blaring off glass or metal watch out for the stop signs no rolling stops just stop then go and always courteous, must always drive courteously oh what a great street a life saver wonder if they are right and you cant taste it cant think of that now got to get home in one piece just be careful of the light flicking off the leaves dont get distracted