Authors: Hubert Selby
Better wash my hands first … better safe than sorry … So this is the can that launched a thousand Big Jims into the world. Heres to you Jimbo, you good ol boy … oh boy, oh boy. He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a cokcola. What a night. A night to remember. Oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I. Actually, Im more pleasant than peasant. Its ever onward into the breach, dauntless, fearless, brave souls. Or should I turn on the boob tube and see whats happening?
What the hell is this? Station after station, talk, talk, talk about the devil and the liberal democrats, what??? They still looking for communists? I dont believe this shit. Give me an amen and thank you jesus … whats with these people? This whole world is one big trailer park. They hate everybody. If theyre not hanging ‘gays’ theyre hanging ‘feminists’, oh thank god for an ‘off’ button. Krist, my heart is pounding. Where am I? This cant be the same country I spent my entire life in. This is beyond anything I imagined. My bodys pounding. Dizzy. Jesus my head hurts. Did I eat???? Cant fucking remember, oh these ignorant bastards. God tells them its just peachy keen to kill, maim and slaughter ‘them’, the unbelievers, oh shit, my fucking head is killing me. Should rest, big day tomorrow. Eight more to go. Lots of guns, guns, guns. Have to practice. Cant shoot the fucking head off a faggot or a feminist or a nigga, or a catholic or a buddhist or some other cult or a jew or muslim or all of the above. If you aint usins you is doomed to hell. Gotta drop this shit. Cant let their hate poison me. Have to get ready for tomorrow. Should I wait for night? Yeah, it is easier in some ways. But easier to recognize people in the daylight. Especially people I dont know. Shit, dont want to wait for night. I dont know, I dont know … Something doesnt feel right. Have this strong urge to leave. Just go home. What the hell is that all about? Why do I want to run? Have to get the rest of them. Thats why Im here. Cant go sneaking off in the night like some fucking redneck. Its out of the question. Cant run off and let those 8 live. I have all this culture. Theres nothing to fear. Even if Clyde recog—maybe it has nothing to do with that? Suppose its what might happen? Everytime I dont listen to my gut I regret it. I follow that and Im alright. Ridiculous. Im just excited. This aint the same. Hyped from the tension. Just an adrenaline rush. Mixed with all that fundamentalist garbage. Drive you nuts. Cant stop now. Oh shit. Shit! Madness! Absolute madness!!!! Take a walk. Run up and down the highway. Anything. Fuck what people will think. Walkitoff …
Long time since I walked along a road. A kid at camp. Walk against the traffic and stay to the left. Wear something white. Today you can glow in the dark. Concentrate on what Im doing. Watch for cars and stay out of their way. Simple. Maybe someone will stop and offer me a ride. Might be willing to make a u-turn and take me where I need to go. Some down home hospitality. Well, you see, I got a burst appendix and my tractor ran over my legs, but its only another 10 miles to the hospital, no need to bother yourself neighbor. Well, if you sure. How about a chaw, little tobacco helps ease the pain. Well, I thank you kindly. Dont mind if I do. Yeah, thats what I need, to chew tobacco or sniff snuff. Damn, they must be used to people walking on the road, doesnt stop them from drifting over at 80 miles an hour and seeing how close the side view mirror comes to your head. Just another redneck way to pass the time. Thats what jesus put strangers and other creatures on the road for, to fun with. Oh by crac—no. Want to calm down, not make it worse. Just keep moving and breathing deeply …
Make sure I dont turn that boob tube on. A hell of a lot more relaxed. But still have that same feeling in my gut. Quieter, but still the same. Providence, Providence … But why should I have to leave, it—Not the question. Have to go. No doubt. Message is simple and direct. Okay, thats settled. Make sure I dont leave anything here. All the cultures are safely packed, what a shame I cant use them now. Okay, we pack, pay the bill, and get going. Man, I feel so much lighter. Wow … my body is relaxed and happy. Damnedest thing. No way to figure this. Enough. Home again, home again, didilly jig.
Wonder what the clerk meant: Aint yuall leaving kind of sudden like? Why would he ask me that? Wonder what he was really saying … thinking? Was he keeping an eye on me? Damn, is there a sheriffs car behind me … no … not that I can tell. Maybe I should start tossing the cultures out the window? No cultures no connection with anything. Ah no, cant do that. Who knows what will happen? Some dumb dog or cat or whatever else they have around here. Oh, there cant really be a problem. Have to get rid of them anyway. No need now. Silly to have them—ah, I dont know. Can never tell when they may be needed. A lot of people that need attention. But suppose they—jesus krist, relax. Return the car, get on the plane, in less than 2 hours we/re in the air, home in no time. But maybe I shouldnt have left? Might look suspicious. About what for krists sake? Nobodys been shot or strangled or whatever. Probably should have stayed and gotten the rest of them. Having to leave doesnt make any sense. Could always spend the night somewhere else and go back tomorrow. All those evil bastards going free. Oh god, this is madness, absolute madness. Always regret when I go against that intuitive sense. Providence never misleads. Jesus, open the window and get some cool night air, maybe that will stop this constant, stupid chatter. Return the car, check in at the counter, maybe get a cup of coffee and a croissant, board the plane … quietly. No more yakity yak, yak yak …
Ahhh, home truly is where the heart is. Hmm, wonder if that originally was hearth? Hearth the heart me hearties. Frig the frigate, firth the fjord, furl the topsails, stand by the Royals, cornhole the bosun, get a little drunk and you land in jaaaaaaail. Did you miss me house? Did you miss me kitchen? Easy chair? Did you miss me sweetheart? Havent been turned on for a couple of days, have you? Ooops, should watch my language. You dont turn on do you? No, no, no. Have no fear, tomorrow we will be working. No point in bothering now … and too tired. Wiped out as a matter of fact. Exhaustecated. Sun be up soon. Screw the alarm. Just wake up with the madness of a new day. Oh I missed all of you. Tomorrow we see … we see … what? Who knows? We/ll see what we see … from sea to shining sea. O krist Im beat. Goodnight Mrs Calabash … wherever you are.
The man returns, but does he return victoriously? Will he be able to become aware of the fruits of his efforts? His actions would seem to reflect that he will. In time. All things in their time.
…
well, that doesnt mean anything. Less than 24 hours. Yeah, who knows if it will make the news? Possible. But that would be a while. Just keep checking the web, but no need to sit on it. Take in a movie, let the day go by, do a little work. Its in the hands of Providence.
Oh, his faith doth surely please me. Carry on, my son.
Time, time, time … Drag along, skip along, fly by, stand still, whatever you do its still the same time. 24 hours a day. Can remember, not too long ago, when time was immobile. Wouldnt move. Minutes were hours, days interminable. This is much better. Time is dragging, but .this is much better. Aware, aware. Must be aware. Dont have to go back in the funk like the last time. No reason for it. There is always something that needs doing. Yeah, thats how I/ll pass the time. Was thinking of getting a dog and playing catch with him in the backyard. Or go to a park and play Frisbee. Now thats exciting. I can start the next project now, or at least develop it. Right on, everybody needs to have something ‘in development’, so why not your friendly little E.coli man? Yeah … that was the mistake I made last time, thinking Barnard was the only one, the alpha and omega of my work. Ho, ho, this is marvelous. Damn, simple and obvious. How come I didnt see this before? Tunnel vision. Thats why, tunnel vision. Oh wow, of course, thats it … I was too emotionally involved. I made it personal. How did I miss that? So obvious. Surgeon doesnt operate on his own children. No objectivity. Oh man, this is so great. Krist, had no idea how tense I was, how … apprehensive. Dont have to spend my life checking to see about ol Jimbo. Just go about my business, spend some time seeing whats going on in the world, take—whoa … slow down man. Get hyped and youll be out of your gourd. Okay … in … out … in … out … nice and easy … easy does it. Just, let it all go. Yeah …
Wonder upon wonder. The man is not only without fault, he is with virtue. His nobility brightens the night sky. Oh my son, my son, what joy you awaken in me and thus the world.
…
what the hell is it? Seems theres been something just barely popping up the last couple of days, but cant really get a finger on it. Seems like theres a quick flash every now and then as I browse the news, but it disappears. Well, I/ll never find it thinking about it. If Providence wants me to know something its going to have to make it clearer. Oh well, only thing to do is ignore it. Dont think about it and dont look for it. Only thing that works … what time is it? Hmmm, didnt think it was so late. Maybe I/ll walk down to the deli and get a little dinner. Brisket isnt too bad. Stretch my legs. Havent been getting much exercise lately. Too wrapped up in work. Well, time for strength and health. A little one tenth of a K walk. Hey, dont forget the one tenth back. Thats not chopped liver. Walk to the deli often enough and I/ll be a regular Schwartzenberger. Now that Ive thought of it Im getting hungrier by the minute. Okay, as they say in Bellevue, Im off. See you later sweetheart.
Oh, theres the red-headed waitress. She sure is a delight, especially when she bends over the table. Now that is the kind of distraction I can really enjoy. Hmmm, white fish is one of the specials today. Little fish might be just right. Brain food. Too bad Big Jim wasnt eating fish. Catfish I guess. Dont remember if fish E.coli. Oh well, moot now. Wonder if Im going to have to go back there? Depends I guess. Wish I knew what wouldve happened if I/d stayed. In solitaire you can always peek to see what wouldve happened if you had done this instead of that. Cant here. I—
Ready to order?
Hows the white fish?
Very good. Had some myself. Tender and flaky.
Sounds good. Salad. Thousand island.
You got it.
Funny, flaky is a put-down in one case, a compliment in another. Jimbo was flaky and so was his catfish. Was I flaky in leaving? Cant peek and find out. Might have gotten a few more … maybe all of them. Theres always tomorrow. The message was too strong. Be an absolute fool to go against it. Never know why. Dont need to. Know that its always right. Im here, now, no problems. Thats good. Who knows what will happen. The—
Here you are, white fish and a salad, thousand island. Enjoy.
Thanks … Oh, now that sure does look delicious. What a beautiful stride … yeah, like ‘jello on springs’. Flaky certainly doesnt apply to her. Hmmm, the fish is flaky and tasty. Feast my sense of taste and sight. Now thats pretty good for one meal.
Well, lets see whats going on … whos killing who, or is it whom? No, its for whom the bell tolls. Well, good to know theyre still killing each other all over the world for no really good reason. Seems like most of them are trying to prove their god is bigger and better than some other god. Goofy … just plain goofy. Like kids in the school yard: my brother can kick your brothers ass! Oh yeah, well my father can kick your fathers ass. I guess nobody grows up. The world is one big playground and everyone is duking it out. Kill for the love of killing … kill for the love of Kali … Wonder what theyre doing now that they cant kill a commie for krist? Really feel for those poor christians. Of course they do have the faggots and feminists to kill for krist. Yeah … but thats not so fashionable, and certainly not pc. Guess the important thing for them is that they have some body to hate and to kill. Was so much easier when they could direct it all toward the commies. Spreading it out amongst so many people takes much more work. Ahh for the good ol days. Guess theyll pick up their assaults on Islam. Can be fashio—Oh no … no. I dont believe it. Holy jumping bald headed codfish. Wait a second, dont go jumping … but it says definitely … not ‘its reported’, but a very simple, definite statement. Easy does it man, it might be a mistake—Oh god, dont let this be a mistake, let it be true, totally and absolutely true … please. I/ll say a whole bunch of Hail Marys and Our Fathers. I/ll beat my chest and
mea fuckin culpa,
I/ll join the Jews for Krist and make a novena, make a novena … so whats wrong already with a little folk dancing? Oh god is good, god is really good … a regular goody two shoes. ‘Oh I am glad youre dead you rascal you, I am glad youre dead you rascal you’ … Okay, from the top.
E.COLI OUTBREAK FELLS FOUR AT FAIR
. Yippee i yay and all that good cowboy shit. Fells Four. Dont you just love that shit? Yeah … Fells Four. No one would listen to me … and others. Beef is not healthy. You just shouldnt eat it. Even if you do eat things with faces, you shouldnt eat beef. Now havent I told you that many times? Comeon, fess up, Ive told you a whole bunch of finger lickin times yuall just shouldnt be eating those ribs. Didnt I now? Dont deny it. Jus before you climbed up into your pickup truck I told you not to be eating any a those ribs. Just look at what happened to the world when Adam give up a rib. Uh uh, heap bad medicine. But you wouldnt listen, would you? No, you had to have your way, just like always, I beg, I plead, I pray but you still do just as you damn well please. Well, look wheres it got you now. Is you lookin mutha fucka? Is you lookin? Spect yuall not seein much about now. As they say in 7-card stud, ‘down and dirty’. Well, not yet. Guess it will be a while before they give you a dirt blanket. But it wont be long. No siree bob, it wont be long. Four … four felled. Oh, those food concessions are catching some heat. Theyll be checkin out those butcher shops and supply houses. Yeah, theyll have good ol government agents crawling up their asses. Good. You deserve to have to crawl up those shit kicking asses. Innocent people hurt? You kidding me? Those people starve millions … millions for their goddamn beef. Eighty (80) people can live on what it takes to produce just one (1) pound of beef. The more they shut down the better—Yeah, a fringe benefit I never anticipated. A little something extra. Not of the import of the main objective, but at the same time a noble addition. Oh, I cant believe it. ALL FOUR!!!! Right the fuck on!!!! The way to go! Thats right, they havent. No mention of the murders and trial and barbecue and all that good ol boy stuff. Havent made the connection yet. Wonder what will happen when they do? Has to be a ton of suspicion. But the pm’s will prove food poisoning … period. Just a weird coincidence. Guess its just as well I left. Eight more would have been something else. My god, they really would have gone apeshit. Theyll be scratching their heads and asses as it is, but 8 more??? Whoa, that would have been absolute madness. Wonder if it could have caused me any problems? Who knows, but not going to worry about that. Oh I feel good. Seems like this is better than Barnard. But that was truly a reason to rejoice. Oh man … Thank you jesus … Better start calming down. I/ll blow a blood vessel or something. Dont think Ive ever been this hyped. Holy shit. All 4 of them. Wonder if I should post something on Big Jims web page? Maybe a cryptic remark about the incident … saying nothing definite, but implying everything???? That would roast some asses. Oh that would be fun. Could even scare the shit out of the other 8. Some news wire would be sure to pick it up. Sounds good. Wouldnt do it from my own machine. Library … one of those Internet coffee shops, whatever. Oh that would be fun. I can feel the power thrusting through me. But not tonight. Just give it all time to settle in and settle down. Could send mysterious, unmarked packages to all 8 of them … or maybe just a couple … randomly. After the connections made theyll be afraid to open anything that doesnt come from Sears or Monkey Ward. Could send them a box of candy. Or a ham sandwich. A whole box of ham sandwiches. O krist, can imagine … cops and technicians all going apeshit over ham sandwiches … Hey chief, I think I found something on this one, looks really suspicious.