Authors: Hubert Selby
The mans prayer moves and pleases me. I reach down and Bless him, My Light Shine upon and through him from this day forward through all eternity. He is most pleasing to my eye, deserving in my heart. Peace be yours my son.
Seems like such a long time since I turned you on. Seems like years since I ate breakfast before turning you on. Did you think I left town? Well, fear not noble friend and co-worker. Should only be a few more days of such intense work on our little project then we can get back to business as usual, at least for a while. Soon I/ll be going away for a few days, but I shall return. I feel such a power in my hands, fingers, and a peace in my heart. I am filled with an incredible lightness of being as if I am part of the air I breathe—enough, enough of such whimsy and ethereal thoughts. To work. There are serious deeds to perform, and much preparation needed to perform them. Yes, yes, by all means, we will start with the days of the Fair. The love potion has already been mixed and even now foments its message of love knowing full well that I will deliver it. Oh yes, I will deliver it you assless, potbellied boil on the armpit of life. You will know how much you are loved. And the other ten prime examples of human dignity. For love has truly pitched its tent in the place of excrement (sorry about that WBY). Now for the method of delivery. Cokcola best. But will stay open to all necessity … however it may present itself. Some foods are always a possibility: beans, chili, barbecue … Getting it on the food undetected. Looks like youve given me all the help you can for now. Thank you kindly mam. Hmmm … I guess so. Just like a ship is ‘she’. Theyre such workhorses, yet theyre called ‘she’. Well, they do have beautiful lines. Is that why theyre called she? Somehow dont think so. Check that out sometime. Are a lifeline. So are you sweetheart. A line to anyplace, anywhere. Certainly a line to the heart of the matter we/re concerned with. Okay, I/ll give you a rest and all this a little thought. … yeah, thats true, doesnt all have to happen in one day. Lasts a week. Theyll be there couple of days. Suppose it doesnt kill them? Always a possibility. A very distinct possibility. Have to accept that. Didnt know if it would work with Barnard. This is not a one shot deal. Can always try again, and again. Do whatever is necessary. Certain things are
a priori
in a situation like this. Not going to test the culture on some poor, innocent little creature. Killing vermin like Big Jim is one thing, but a pussy cat … that would be an abomination. Enough of this meaningless speculation. Went through all this with Barnard. This is so much more complicated … and dangerous. Lets see, whats needed? First: A safe, fool proof way to transport the culture. Second: Safe, fool proof way to ‘deliver’ it..: I think thats the phrase. Vials, stoppers and wax should keep it safe. Just like canning food. Do it right, dont want botulism. Can make you sick, even kill you. Krist, have to stop this nonsense. No time for stupid jokes. Seal them and pack them in styrofoam. Thats no problem. Its at the Fair … need to think this through … Wait! No more circles. What worked with Barnard will work with anyone. No more agonizing over this. Finished. Over. Just get to culturing whats needed. Have to remember, first things first. Stop shaving. No haircut. Should look just like everyone else when I get there. God thats a terrible thought. However … Disappear in the crowd. Give my brain a rest until then.
Hi.
Hi.
How long you fixin to stay?
Not sure exactly.
You here for the Fair?
Fair?
The
County Fair.
Oh. Maybe so. See how it works out. Ahh, which way is it from here?
Just go down 37 a ways, an past the Mobil Station youll see a fork. Take the left. Plenty a signs. Only couple a miles.
Thanks. Just might do that.
Nice enough room. Can actually turn around. Stretch out for a little while, then see what the Fair is like. Should I carry all the bottles? Seems strange. A dozen. Nobodys going to see them. No one is going to check my inside pockets in my jacket. Have to stop feeling self-conscious. It always attracts attention. Have to always be prepared. The perfect opportunity may be there and if I dont have enough … right. They all come with me. Tested them a hundred times, never leaked a drop. No problem. I/ll bring a dozen.
Damn, only a few cars in the parking lot … and a thousand pickup trucks … Well, here goes. Just walk around and let Providence guide me. If the Red Sea can be parted I should be able to find a couple of good ol boys in this crowd … Hmmm, that food smells good. Time to eat … Guess I/ll park myself here and look around while I eat. Everybody looks so similar. Didnt think I/d have this problem. Dont want to make a mistake. This is not an act of terrorism but retribution. Vengeance may be the Lords, but Im going to give him a little help. I/ll just drift through the crowd and … hmmm, skeet shooting contest tomorrow … might be a good idea if I checked out the area so I—Oops, ahm sorry, hope I didnt (my God! Its Les) get anythin on yuall.
Oh, ah, no, not at all.
Must be gettin clumsy in my old age. Here, let me put this tray down an clean up this dress, just put it on clean this mornin an look at it, now aint that a sight (got to get a bottle out … she really looks like a grandmother). Would you keep a eye on this tray while I get some more napkins?
Oh … certainly, yeah. (Just move it over and … over. Simple. Done.)
A little cold water should take care of it. Should dry up jus fine.
I would think so—
Now what chuall doin Les, flirtin with this here young man?
Now you be hushin your mouth Clyde an that means no laughin too.
Can I put down this tray and join yuall anyway?
Dont this jus beat all, clean an crisp when I left the house an—
Hey, youre not leavin?
Sorry, have to meet someone. Dont want to be late.
Well, I sure know what you mean.
Now Clyde, you stop that school boy grinnin and laughin an let the man be. Dont pay him no mind.
Ahh, nice meeting you … all.
Oh god, have to walk straight, not too fast, easy does it. No panic. Just keep smiling and moving toward the parking lot. Have to get to the car. Just one step at a time. Move one foot then the other. Breathe, breathe. Doesnt make any difference how, just breathe. Never mind slow and deep. Fuck the panic, just keep breathing and moving. Every step and every breath the car is closer, and closer. Dont run? Krist, I couldnt if I tried. Oh shit, wheres the car? I know, I know, D-7. No need to panic, just move and breathe, move and breathe. God that sun is hot. Not too bad under those canopies, but out here … my throat is actually dry and raspy. Where the hells the car, it should be right there … yeah, right, behind the pickup truck. Cant see it from here. Oh thank god, there it is. Few more feet. Jesus its hot in here. Get these windows open and ac on. Whew, thats better. Just sit, catch my breath, calm down. Still too shaky to drive. Few more minutes. My head is spinning. Okay, now relax … now breathe deep and slow … yeah, relax. Got to get out of here but cant drive until Im relaxed. Deep and slow … Just be aware. Drive slowly, but not too slow, dont draw attention. Take it easy … yeah …
Oh
god, never thought I/d he so grateful to be in a hick town motel. Let me get under that shower …
Oh, feels good to air dry. Still day light and I feel like Ive been wrung through a dozen wringers. Clyde and Les. Really got me off balance. But I did it. I/ll be more in control from now on. Never expected that sort of confrontation. Almost paralyzed me. But I recovered … and got the job done … Bet if you saw Hitler with his dog you/d think what a nice man he is, really loves his dog. Mass murderers dont walk around with a sign hanging from their necks. Thats why Hester had to wear an A. This whole idea of excusing women for heinous crimes simply because theyre women is insane. Have to see if the culture works. Wonder how I/ll know? No problem with Barnard. Even if I can get to all of them how will I know? Maybe something on the web page. If anyone finds out it will be there. Yeah. More important things to think about now. First things first. Clyde surprised me more than Les. Figured he/d be some kind of bonus. Standing right there. Big grin. Nice smile. Looked normal. Cant judge by appearances. See what happens tonight. Thats okay if they recognize me. Fireworks good time. Say Big Jim loves them. We/ll see, we/ll see. Two down. Give it all a rest.
Really a festive feeling. Guess its always that way at night. Always a feeling of work during the day, even at a Fair, but night is for playing. Fireworks sure help, especially the kids, all hyped up. Yeah, not just kids, everybody loves them, but it sure is a bigger deal for the kids. Sure did love them. One of the best things about summer. Every Tuesday night … July & August it seems like. Seems like I sat on Pops shoulders when I was little … hmmm, interesting, wonder if thats a fantasy or a reality? Crazy what you remember and what you wonder. Also cooler at night. That helps. Hint of a breeze too. Wish I didnt have this beard, so nice to lean into a breeze and feel it on your face. Hopefully off soon. Wonder if I/ll run into them? Possible they wont recognize me. Dont think they really got a good look at me. Food smells better at night too. Maybe the air is heavier and the aroma doesnt dissipate. I guess everything enjoyable is better at night, even work. And I have a job to do. Ancient memories when you could hide in the shadows. Still some, but it would take a while to find them. Floodlights everywhere. Lots of kids tugging on womens arms. Wonder if mothers have an arm longer than the other by the time their kids grow up? Could be. Dont imagine anyone has given that any thought. May just as well go with the flow. They seem to know what theyre doing. Big Jim must be here somewhere. An awful lot of people. Slowly stroll … just keep concentrating. Everybody has a drink container. Wonder if its like that at all Fairs? Okay, time to stop idle speculation. Should be easy to spot. He fits his name. Ohh, they have a little grandstand. Nice for the kids. But he seems like a standing man. Good ol boy. Gladly give his seat to a youngun. Thought I/d see him by now, dont—Clyde, did he see me? Seems like he looked right at me. Better just sort of amble over this way, around the chili stand and behind the pole … just in case. Have to keep him in sight—good hes not looking this way. Probably going to hook up with Jimbo. Dont see Les, or anyone else. Wonder how shes feeling? Wonder how hes feeling? Seems to be okay. A little queasy in the stomach? Would he feel it this soon? Hmmm, not sure. Different strokes for different folks. Still no Les. Important? Wheres everyone else? Of course, probably with their families. Everyone will gravitate here. No TV cam—is that him? Sure is big … and Clydes talking with him—are they looking at me? No, no! for gods sake, dont walk away. Just keep strolling. Keep them in sight. No, theyre just looking around … probably for someone … just keep strolling … moving into the crowd … if he was 6 inches shorter I might lose him … seem to have a particular destination in mind … yeah, on the side … just as I thought, out of the way of the younguns … oh yes, youre all heart Big Jim … what … theres a couple of others … yeah, yeah, Im sure, name, name, name … no Les, but four untainted souls—whoa … have to slow down … hearts pounding, jesus krist, breathe slowly, in and out, in and out … cant screw up now … in and out, in and out … know exactly what to do … quick dump in their cokcola … just drift in that direction … okay if Clyde recognizes me … nothing happened … cant get self-conscious … wait until the fireworks start … just keep looking at the sky … keep looking up … remember, innocent, innocent … just watching the fireworks … let the crowd push a bit … yeah Wow, that was some burst, fish wiggling all over the sky and its emptied in Jimbos cup, now just dont spill it, please god, dont let him spill ju—thats it drink it down, down, yeah drink it all up like a big boy an yo—easy, easy, stay aware, three more to go, is Clyde looking at me funny? Just keep—thats it Jimbo, drink it down—Oh that is a beauty, whoa, just keeps popping … o krist, almost spilled it on his hand, got to be careful, stay aware, aware, for gods sake dont get caught up in the damn fireworks, keep your head back but watch the cups, the cups, its in their cups, theyre in their cups for krist sake dont get hysterical, in and out, in and out, nice and slow, in and out … move about … another done … jesus, cant stop sweating, feel like my hands are dripping oh god, the sweat is getting in my eyes, can barely see, suppose I got some of the culture on my hands dont want to rub it into my eyes, please god help me get this last one … just this last one god I feel like Im holding a greased pig, the goddamn sweats burning the shit out of my eyes, what the hells going on, oh, for the love of krist stop shaking, in and out, in and out, slowly, slowly, in and out … okay, next burst … oh shit, sweating so bad I cant tell if I spilled it on my hands … no, no, its in the cup … yeah … got to move, now! Move! Drift over there … easy … just drift … swear to krist I can feel Clydes eyes burning in the back of my head—dont turn, just keep moving, work your way into the crowd … mingle … mingle … get lost in the crowd … gotta catch my breath … dizzy … fucking hearts banging through my head … maybe Im going blind … feel so woozy, shit! What the fucks going on, better move, dont want to attract attention, oh fuck, too dizzy to move just keeps pounding in my head and chest, slow down you son of a bitch, oh fuck, slow, s l o w, s l o w … okay, have to move, have to start for the parking lot, just take it nice an easy … one foot in front of the other, one little step at a time … slow and easy … want to get there before the stampede, fireworks must be about over, o krist, dont want to get caught up in that tangle of cars … pickup trucks. Okay, almost there … few other people beating the rush, good, wont attract attention—not important, didnt do anything, no crime, no shooting or bombs, nobody knows anything happened, just like Barnard, nothing to run from, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, shit, not even Clyde knows what happened. Never will. None of them will. Just a couple a good ol boys (and gal) got some bad barbecue an damn if it didnt kill them dead, sure nuff. Yeah, good to hear the people and hear car doors slamming and soon … yeah, there it is. Always surprised. Guess Im looking for my car and not a rental. Oh, it feels good to sit. My legs are trembling for krist sake. Fine, fine. Just get on out of here and back to the motel. Whoa, the parking lot is starting to fill up with people. Get outta here. Nice and easy. Not too slow, but cautious. Good, good, traffics moving … o krist, Ive never been so happy to leave a parking lot in my life. Concentrate on driving. Careful of the creatures that come running across the road. Dont want to kill a raccoon or a deer, or whatever they have around here. No, no, the radio wont help, not that shit kicking music. Just keep breathing and staying aware and be back in the motel before I know it and can pop a nice cold can of cokcola.