Walking Wolf Road (Wolf Road Chronicles Book 1) (16 page)

She sighed, “Yeah, I guess.”

“So no, not really. What’s eating you?”

“It’s just…” She sighed again, “I dunno, it’s Fen. Sometimes it just feels like something’s not right about him.”

“You mean besides the lycanthropy?” I joked and she glared at me.

“We’re therianthropes, not lycanthropes. And… yeah, aside from that. He makes me uncomfortable when we’re alone, and he
always
tries to be there whenever I hang out with anyone.”

“What does he do? I’ve never seen him touch or speak to you inappropriately, but maybe that’s just when I’m around.”

“No, he doesn’t do any of that, it’s like he gets this… hungry look in his eyes. It’s like, when he knows no one can see him do it; he looks at me like I’m prey. Like he’s hunting me, and someday he’s going to… I don’t’ know,
devour
me or something…

“Wow, that’s messed up. It reminds me of some of the dreams I’ve had.”

“Really? That’s just the way I think all the time.” She shrugged, nonchalant.

“Cool, that means you’re
, like, the girl of my dreams.” I turned and grinned at her.

“Oh my god, you’re such a dork!” she hit me over the head with her pillow, “here I am trying to be serious for once—”

“Well there’s your problem.” I pounced her onto her bed and tickled her until she shrieked. “Lokies is not supposteded to be all seriousness!”

She laughed until tears leaked out her eyes, and then she cried, “I give, I give!” I rolled onto the floor and we both panted until there was a sharp knock at the door.

“Jess’, you alright in there?” Her father’s voice boomed through the thin wood and I swallowed hard as the knob turned.

“Yeah Dad, I’m good thanks…” She panted, still grinning. His gaze was intense as he looked back and forth between us. “He just tickled me, I’m fine…”

“Okay…” there was something dark in his voice and he locked eyes with me as he backed out the door. “I’ll be nearby if you need me.” I knew the last was more a warning for me, than reassurance for her.

“’Kay, thanks Dad.”

“What was that about?” I whispered after the door latched. I was actually surprised there wasn’t a shotgun in his hands…

She just shook her head, “I’ll explain someday, just… not right now.”

“Okay…” I muttered and sat next to her on the mattress, but my mood had darkened. “Loki… Do I ever make you feel like that?”

“What?” she sat up and leaned her shoulder against me, her face only a foot from mine.

“Do I ever make you feel uncomfortable?”

“Well, merciless jumper-cables are hardly the pinnacle of relaxation.” She laughed until she saw the look in my eyes, then she faltered and I watched her eyes flick back and forth between mine as she bit her lip.

“You know what I mean, do I?”

“No…” she sighed and closed her eyes, then rested her cheek against my shoulder. “No Jimmy, I feel… relaxed around you. Like I don’t have to hold up a façade and can just be myself.” She held up a hand, “And before you go there, it’s not that I think less of you. It’s just— it’s like I know you won’t judge me like everybody else. You know how much it hurts. Sometimes I think some people forget there’s more to me than baggy t-shirts and buckled pants, but with you… I can be me…”

I slid my arms loosely around her shoulders and held her, “I’m glad.” I closed my eyes and smiled as she pressed her face against my chest.

“So do you know what you want to go to college for?” She turned her head and looked at me.

“No, I’m not sure I’m even going at all.”

“Why not?”

“Well, first off, I don’t have any idea what I want to study. Second, my GPA is shit.”

“Well, why don’t you try culinary school? You have a talent for cooking, and you don’t need a 4.0 GPA to get into a trade school or community college.”

I sighed and stared at a Marilyn Manson poster on her wall, “I’ve thought about it. I’m a decent cook, but I’d never make it in a real kitchen.”

“Well, what about music? You’re good at that too.”

“Not good enough. I stand a better chance of getting sucked into an airplane engine than making it in a band, and John would never finance an audio engineering degree.”

She glared at me.

“What?”

“Nothing, absolutely nothing. Forget I fucking said anything.” Loki snapped and pulled away from me.

“What’d I do?” I felt so confused.

“All I was trying to do was help, and you threw it back in my face.”

“I was just stating fact—”

“No,” she interrupted me, “You were copping out. Like usual. You never cease to amaze me with how thoroughly you destroy yourself every chance you get; you’ve always got some excuse.

“You’re not even eighteen years old! You have absolutely
every
possibility open to you, and people who love you and want to help; but you can’t get over your own goddamned pity party! We can’t even give you a compliment without you using it to degrade yourself, and I’m fucking sick of it!”

I shrank back, mollified.

“Don’t you get it Jimmy? We like you! We see your potential; but you insult me, Fen, your parents, all of us by belittling yourself.” She reached over and grabbed my face, squishing my lips. “Now tell me you’re going to
try
not to do it anymore.
Yes Loki
…” She nodded my head up and down, “And you’re going to stop throwing our compliments back in our faces.
Yes Loki…
” She nodded my head again, “Got it?”

“
Yesh Loksi
…” I lisped through squished lips and nodded.

“Good.” She let go and I stretched my mouth. Despite the rough handling, I still felt her fingers on my skin, like a burned imprint. I looked at her as she looked at my mouth, and then her eyes flicked up to mine. I became hyperaware of our closeness again, and felt that strange recognition stir as something inside me pulled me to her. A soft rap at the door broke the moment, and Loki shifted to look at the clock. It was time for me to go.

“Jimmy?” she asked quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t tell Fen about this.” Her eyes pleaded, “About these lessons. I like being able to choose who I want to be with.”

“Sure thing.” I said, and she returned my smile.

We gathered my things and Loki’s Dad drove us back to my house. I hugged her goodbye when they dropped me off, and I slipped inside as quietly as I could. I stashed my stuff in the dungeon, and climbed back upstairs to get ready for bed. I closed the bathroom door and pulled my sweater over my head and accidentally caught a glimpse of the mirror.

At first I didn’t recognize myself…

Instead of the pudgy wretch I’d grown used to seeing, a stranger stared back at me from the glass. A stranger whose shoulders were wider than his waist. Whose stomach didn’t protrude like a premature beer belly, and whose chest wasn’t buried behind pads of mush. Even the eyes were different; a ring of black had surrounded my irises, and feathers of gold bled through the blue.
Almost like Fen’s…

I smiled at myself for the first time in so long, and my teeth caught my attention. I leaned closer to the mirror for a better look and poked at my teeth. My canines had grown sharp points, with the teeth be
hind following suit.

I leaned back and ran my eyes over shoulders that had never seemed wide before, past the dark line of hair on my stomach…

I wonder if Loki would like this…

The thought flitted through my mind before I could stop it. I shook my head as I finished undressing and stepped into the shower, but I still couldn’t stop thinking about her. The thoughts slid through my imagination like red satin ribbons, and made my heart pound. Then I thought of Fen too, and everything fell back into perspective. Those fleeting thoughts were all I was allowed. Loki was not only out of my league, but also forbidden.

And what about Fen?
  

Yes… him too…

I felt the dragon shift inside me, making room for yet another soul-aching want, another hope denied. I turned the water off and stood dripping for a minute as I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall; feeling the ache behind my breastbone as the dragon’s mass constricted my heart.

I sighed and pulled back the curtain and saw myself in the mirror again, obscured by fog. But for the first time in… longer than I could remember, I didn’t see the fat, ugly, waste of life I was used to. It reflected a young man with ebony hair and tinted skin. I was not what I used to be anymore…

The dragon tried to close the door to its cavern, but it was too late; something slipped out and escaped. A little piece of self-loathing died. I felt the dragon thrash in the vacant space, but it didn’t hurt… the fluttering in my stomach was quite welcome.

The weekend before Thanksgiving, Fen called me up out of the blue. “Hey Jimmy, Mom got the day off and we were going to go see my dad, did you want to come with us?” There was a thread of uncertainty in his voice, something I almost never heard from him.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude.”

“I’d like to have you there, it shouldn’t take long.” Wow, how bad was this guy?

“Okay, I’ll be ready when you get here.”

I stepped out into the cold and hurried to their car as a dry dusting of snow blew down the street like the glitter inside a snow-globe.  

They barely talked as we drove, and I could taste Fen’s nerves on the back of my tongue. When Fen’s mom pulled into a parking lot and shut off the engine, it all fell into place. The dried grass crackled underfoot as Fen quietly led the way across the lawn. The grey clouds and piercing wind cut through my jacket, as a loud flock of geese flew overhead and the brilliant amber leaves from mere weeks ago wove a thick mottled carpet of brown and beige for the coming winter.

Fen walked up to a seemingly random spot and knelt down. He reached out with a gloved hand and gently brushed leaves and snow from a slab of black marble on the cold ground. My throat felt tight as I watched him, and his mother walked up and laid a hand on his shoulder.  

Even standing back, I could read the words carved in the memorial plaque. ‘Morgan James Kendle, beloved husband and father, stolen too soon’. He’d died the year I was born—the year
we
were born, the year that made us both fatherless.

It was not a similarity I had ever wished to share with someone. At least now I knew why ghosts scared him.

I remembered the smiling man in the picture on Fen’s bookcase, and tried to imagine what it would be like to know that your father had died loving you. My first impulse said it was worse to be unloved and abandoned, but then I realized it was just easier to mourn something you never really had. To know you had the sweetness of the world and had it stolen away, life would taste all the more bitter in its passing.

Fen didn’t speak as he stood and walked back toward me with a weak forced smile. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and he leaned into me. The drive back was even more silent than before, and when we parked I was struck again by how much their home looked the house where I grew up in Idaho.

Fen’s mother made us mugs of hot apple cider, and the smell was warm and comforting, like something you’d curl up with in a blanket and hibernate.

“How did it happen?” I asked quietly as we sat down on Fen’s bed.

“Hit and run. Police said it was probably a drunk driver, but they never found who did it. I was six months old, I… I just wish I could remember him.” he said and we lapsed into silence.

“My father left us before I was even born. Just, vanished… We looked for years, but couldn’t find a trace of him, and Mom finally gave up when she met John.” I looked at him, “So you can believe me when I say I know how you feel; and I’m sorry.”

He shrugged, but I couldn’t tell if he really meant it. “Thanks, but it’s alright. Nothing can change it, and I think it happened for a reason, just like everything that’s happened to you.”

“Oh?” My cynicism flared, but I was curious nonetheless to hear what he had to say.

“Our lives, the events and choices that shaped them; haven’t you ever wondered why everything happened the way it did? Why you ended up here of all places? She’d been sending me dreams of you for a long time…” It took me a moment to realize he meant Lupa. “Nothing substantial, nothing I could draw or describe, except that you would be a black wolf. ‘Marked by Brother Raven,’ she’d said. But as soon as I met you, I recognized your scent and your black hair. I knew you were the one.”