Warped (11 page)

“She didn’t stop. She’d stay outside of Hunter Enterprises for hours, follow him home and just sit there waiting. I saw her meet Leona a few times. Leona seemed to be giving her help. Well, I thought she was. Lydia seemed to know everything about Damon. His schedule she knew off by heart. She never missed him.” He shakes his head again. “It was fucked, Els. She needed help but wouldn’t accept it. I saw Damon approach her a few times but she quickly left before he could speak to her.”

“How did I not know she needed help?” I cry. Tom pulls me into an embrace.

“Don’t do that, Ella. It wasn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself for this.”

“But I could have helped her. Gotten her the help she needed if I’d have known. You should have told me.” My body shakes within Tom’s hold.

“I was trying to protect you Els. I’m so sorry. I didn’t think she would... I swear if I had thought she was that bad I would have said something. Done something more.” I can see the truth in his eyes. “I regret not telling you, regret it every fucking day, and I have to spend the rest of my life living with that.   

I let the grief of Lydia’s mental state sink in. Sobs tear from my throat but Tom just holds me, letting me get it out. I cry until I fall asleep.

I don’t know who to trust anymore.

****

I wake to Tom climbing out of the bed. He places the covers snugly around me before he sees I’m awake. I ask him to pass me my bag. When he gives it to me, I pull out Lydia’s diary and hold it out for him to take. Tom’s eyes widen as he realises what it is.

“Take it Tom. Read it.” He takes the diary and I shut my eyes.

“Are you sure, Els?”

“Yep. Maybe you can understand why I did the things I’ve done. I want you to understand. I’m not like her Tom. I’m not.” I say, drifting off to sleep. I feel Tom’s lips brush my forehead as he whispers a reply to me,

“I know you’re not, Ella. I know, babe.”

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

JULY 2
ND
2014

I’m sitting in the waiting room at the doctors. Nearly ten weeks pregnant, I have an appointment to talk to the midwife. I pick up a few pregnancy guides and stuff them in my bag. I’m restless, not sure how I’m feeling about doing all this alone. I reach over to pick up a magazine, flicking through the pages, not fully taking in anything that I’m seeing.

Damon hasn’t called or texted for a day or so. I miss him so damn much but I need to be away from him right now. I need to focus on the baby and I need to focus on myself. For the first time in three years I don’t have a plan. I’m living each day for myself.

“Ella Knight” I look up at the sound of my name, putting down the magazine. Picking up my handbag, I walk in the direction of the midwife.

Sitting down on the chair, she starts by handing me a form to take home and fill out, advising me I need to bring it to every appointment here and at the hospital.

Then she starts asking me some questions about how I’m feeling. I just nod my head and mumble my replies.

“Ella, are you okay? I know pregnancy can be frightening but there are other options.” My head snaps up at her words.

“No, I want this. I want my baby.” Tears fill my eyes as I continue. “This baby, it’s the only thing I have left.” She nods her head at me and continues to talk about the importance of looking after myself during these early weeks, and making sure I take my prenatal vitamins.

“Okay Ella, I need you to unbutton your jeans and lay on the bed. Let’s see if we can hear your baby.” I do as instructed, lying down on the bed and pulling my trousers down below my bump. The midwife, whose name is Helen, pulls a little machine from a drawer. She squeezes some cold gel on my belly then holds the device to my stomach, pressing in slightly into my belly. I hold my breath waiting to hear something. It feels like forever before I hear the
whoosh whoosh whoosh
sound.

I can’t help it, I burst into tears. The sound is the most beautiful noise I have ever heard. The midwife squeezes my hand, and hands me a tissue so I can clean myself up.

“I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I cried.” Helen lets out a little chuckle.

“You're not the first Ella, and you won’t be the last. Now let’s book you in for your ultrasound.” She taps into the computer pulling up some dates, “I can fit you in two weeks on Wednesday, is that okay?” I nod my head as she prints off the appointment details.

“Don’t forget to get your folic acid,” she says with a smile. I leave the room with the biggest smile plastered on my face. This is the happiest I have felt in days. I rub my belly.

“You keep growing jellybean. You got a mommy out here who loves you.”

CHAPTER NINETEEN

JULY 9
TH
2014

I’m wandering aimlessly around the shops, just browsing. Retail therapy was my intent but nothing has interested me. My mind keeps filling with memories of Damon and me. I have a lot to think about. Tom hasn’t mentioned anything about Lydia’s diary since I gave it him. My first scan appointment is coming up in a week, but none of these things are at the forefront of my thoughts.

I’m missing Damon. He texted, called, emailed, and turned up at Tom’s place countless times the first two weeks, but this last week, nothing. No texts, no voice messages. Nothing. But I can’t bring myself to contact him. If he can’t put me before Leona, how can I expect him to put my baby before her? I love Damon. My pops was the first man I ever loved, my greatest love. I never thought that love could be beaten, but the feelings I have for Damon are all consuming. It’s also a completely different love than the one I have for Pops.

Pops was my first love, my father, my protector, my disciplinarian. He was everything a father should be, and a mum at the same time. He loved me no matter what, and made sure I knew it. He was my best friend.

Damon has my heart, my soul, my everything. I’ve never known overwhelming feelings like this. He is all I want and need. I desperately want his arms around me, his lips on me, and his love. I want to hear his voice, to have him tell me he loves me, and will love our baby. So many times I’ve had his number up on my screen wanting to call him but I know if I do, Damon learns nothing.

I feel like I’m missing part of myself now we’re apart, but if I’m the one who makes the first contact then he can keep breaking me, knowing I’ll keep going back. It hurts to think this way, but it’s true.

He’s the only happiness I’ve ever found, the only happiness I want. We should be planning our future together now and if I wouldn’t have left him we would be. Not having heard from Damon in two weeks, it’s like I never meant anything to him. Not that I believe that. I saw the real Damon, and that he cares, loves me even. I’m not sure what’s keeping him away, but I’m not sure how much more of being apart from him I can take.

I spot a coffee shop across the street, with empty tables sitting outside in the sun. I could just do with a nice refreshing glass of milk whist I decide what to do with my afternoon. I make my way across the road towards the shop when I come across a small baby boutique. Bundles of Love.

The window is filled with all kinds of precious baby clothes of every colour, and all sorts of different styles and materials. Wool hats, silk booties, frilly dresses, tights, tutus, caps, trousers, tops, baby grows, baby vests, coats, blankets and soft toys fill every inch of the window display.

After my midwife appointment I wanted to go on a shopping spree but I held back. I said I’d wait until I’ve had the first scan at least, but seeing all these baby items arranged so beautifully, I can’t help but go in for a browse.

The small bell above the door tinkles when I enter. The shop’s aroma smells wonderful, fresh and sweet. The floors are a dark wooden oak, the walls a soft lavender. Displays of full baby outfits are set all around, all amazingly presented. Different size tables scatter the small shop with boxes of pre wrapped gift sets set on upon them. The walls are decorated with black and white photos of babies, artfully adding a final touch. It’s absolutely stunning everywhere I look.

A small blonde girl with pigtails and blue eyes sits behind the counter. She gives me a warm smile before calling out, “Mum, there’s a customer here.” Her voice is quiet, almost delicate. She looks to be about seven years old and her gap toothed smile shows her front tooth has fallen out recently.

A large lady comes bustling from an open doorway behind the register, hurrying over with a greeting. She takes my hand in her warm one, and gives me a reassuring smile before speaking.

“Hello darling. My name is Rosemary. Welcome to Bundles of Love. Please look around and if you should need any assistance then just give me a holler.” I smile at her.

“Thank you.”

“How many weeks are you?” Rosemary asks. My eyes widen as I only have a tiny bump, not one that is noticeable with my baggy clothes. I can barely notice it myself. Opening my mouth to respond, nothing comes out. Rosemary must notice my reaction as she speaks again, “You’re positively glowing, darling. Only a pregnant woman glows like you.”

I frown a little. I’ve been getting sick almost every morning. I feel sleep deprived even though I’ve been sleeping a lot, and my curves are getting bigger, my breasts fuller. I am certainly not glowing. Seeing my reaction again, Rosemary smiles.

“Your skin is radiant, your hair has that healthy shine, your eyes are glistening with happiness, and your breasts and hips are rounded with the changes of pregnancy. It’s my job to notice these things.” I blush at her compliments, not feeling like I’m glowing but I’ll take her kind remarks. It’s nice to hear them from a stranger.

“Thank you. I’m eleven weeks pregnant. I have my first scan next week.” I smile for the first time today. I’m pregnant and it finally feels nice to tell someone about it.

“Congratulations. Nothing is more precious than your own bundle of love.” She rubs my arm before turning around and striding over to the little girl. Rosemary bends to kiss her daughter’s forehead before returning to the back room to resume whatever she was doing before I came in.

I take my time looking at all the delicate items displayed before coming across a white soft woollen blanket with lace edges and a silky ribbon weaving around the sides. Little bows adorn the four corners. It’s beautiful and I must have it.

I pick the blanket up and rub it against my cheek. It is unbelievably soft, and my hand comes down to rest against my stomach. I turn to go to the counter and find Rosemary standing next to her daughter. She has a soft smile playing on her lips.

“That blanket is one of a kind,” she tells me. “Ebony, my daughter, and I designed and made it ourselves. Ebony designed most of it, I did the making,” she chuckles. “It’s one of my favourite pieces.” She smiles down at Ebony. The love shining in her eyes as she looks at her daughter brings a lump to my throat. I want a bond like that.

How is it possible to feel the love for my baby when we’ve not yet met? I hope to have a bond with my child like Rosemary and Ebony have.

We speak about babies for ten more minutes, and then I pay for my purchase and exit the small boutique with the promise of returning soon. I make my way a few shops down to the coffee shop I spotted before going in Bundles of Love.

I’m thinking of all the items of clothing I’ve just seen and not paying attention to my surroundings as I enter the coffee house, nearly bumping into an exiting customer. I snap my head up to apologise when I realise who it is.

Leona is standing in front of me with her mother, Sandra a step behind. Leona has a sneer on her face as she looks me up and down. Sandra is the one to speak first.

“Elle, what a surprise. I didn’t expect to see you again now Damon has left you,” she says, a little too smug. My eyes narrow at her. Thinking she was being overly friendly when we met, my suspicions are confirmed. Leona has a smirk firmly planted in face after hearing her mother intentionally butcher my name.

“It’s Ella.”

“Lovely,” Sandra replies absentmindedly. “I must dash.” She gives Leona a smile before strutting away from us. I watch her walk away, her head held high, her air blowing out around her, her clothes perfectly matched.

“How are you, Ella?” Leona draws my attention back to her. Not responding, I just stare at her, waiting for her to move. I fucking hate this woman. She had more to do with Lydia’s problem than I originally suspected. I’m going to take the bitch down if it’s the last thing I do.

“The silent treatment, really? Jealousy doesn’t suit you, Ella. I told you Damon always comes back to me,” she smirks. My breath catches. Damon has gone back to Leona? What the fuck? I won’t let this bitch think she’s got the upper hand.

“Jealousy?” I laugh, “I left him, Leona. Why would I be jealous if he had to settle for second best?”

Her face reddens with anger, and it confirms she had no knowledge of the circumstances. If Damon had gone running straight to Leona wouldn’t she know I’m the one who walked away?

“Second best?” she spits. “I don’t fucking think so. I told you, he always comes back to me.”

“Well if you’re happy with being his second choice Leona, then I’m happy you got what you wanted.” I try to walk past her again but she steps up to me, her face coming close to mine.

“Let’s get something straight you fucking gold digger. I’m no one’s second best. Damon has always, and will always, come back to me in the end. I’m his first and only choice. Bitches like you don’t stand a chance. He might want to fuck. Hell he might even claim love, but I know better. Damon will never need anyone as much as he needs me. It wasn’t you on his arm at his company’s gala. It was me. He didn’t come and ask you, he asked me,” she says. I laugh at her sad attempts to anger me. 

“You mean the gala he invited me to before I left him?” I raise my brow at her. “As I said, second choice. Have a great day, Leona.” This time I don’t try moving around her, I push past her. She grabs my arm as I walk by.

“Maybe so, but it’s my bed he’s in at night. My pussy his cock is warmed by.” I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to hear about Damon sleeping with Leona. I don’t believe it. I know Damon doesn’t want Leona that way. I know she’s just trying to get a rise out of me. Still, it hurts to hear.

“Enjoy my leftovers, Leona. I hope I taste good,” I say before walking away. I won’t let her get to me. I’ll have revenge on Leona for everything she’s done to me and Lydia. She will pay, but right now my baby is telling my body I need food.

I decide against staying at the coffee house and instead decide to get some cakes to take back and enjoy with Tom. I need to speak with him about Leona. I need him to make me see it wouldn’t be wise to run her over with my car, which is what I really want to do right now.

****

I drop my keys on the counter when I walk into Tom's flat, and head to my room. I hear laughing on the other side of Tom’s door, which makes me pause, and when I stop walking the laughing stops. Everything stays silent so I shake my head and go to my room.

I change into my sweatpants and my old university pullover. I’ve cut off the neck so it now hangs over my shoulder. It’s baggy and comfortable. Moving to the kitchen I hunt around in the fridge for something to eat, but don’t find anything that remotely interests me. Giving up, I decide to order takeout instead.

Tom’s bedroom door opens just as I’m reaching for the phone so I stop and wait to see if he comes down and wants to eat with me. As he rounds the kitchen doorway he comes to an abrupt halt as he notices me. Someone bumps into him from behind.

Tom looks a little nervous and a whole lot embarrassed.

“Tom, are you going to introduce me to your friend?” I question, trying to hold back my smile. He’s either been keeping it a secret from me because I’m hurting or because he’s worried about my reaction. The news would be happy and I’d be happy for him.

“I’m sorry, Els,” Tom says, and with that a very sheepish looking Lacy peeks round his shoulder.

“Oh my god, Lacy! Why are you hiding?” Tom looks uncomfortable, like he is unsure of how I’m going to react. “What’s going on guys? You look like you have been caught stealing or something.” I ask in puzzlement. 

Lacy steps out from behind Tom and comes to stand next to me. “I’m sorry Ella. I hope you’re not upset.” she says with remorse. I don’t understand. 

“Upset, why the hell would I be upset? I’m confused,” I say as I look between Lacy and Tom. They both look like rabbits cornered by a fox, their eyes flitting frantically from me to the other.

“I just thought that... you know... you and Tom...” She looks to Tom for help.

“Oh my god, no, I’m not upset. Tom is like a brother Lacy. I want him happy.”

“No, it’s not just that. I thought you didn’t like me because of Leona.” Lacy flinches as she says Leona’s name, like saying her name in front of me would make me attack her.

I burst out laughing. Holy shit, this is good. “Lacy, I honestly don’t give a shit,” I try to say between giggles. “You’re not Leona and you’ve always been okay with me. Just because you’re friends with Leona doesn’t mean I don’t think it’s great you guys have hit it off. I’m pleased for you.” I tell her honestly. “Now I’m starving. Who fancies Chinese and a movie?”

Lacy beams at me, Tom gives me an appreciative nod, and I pick up the menu and pass it to Lacy to decide what she wants.

I smile at Tom, happy he has found someone. I really hope it works out. He deserves a lot more than just happiness.

****

JULY 17
TH
2014

It’s been almost month since I last saw Damon. At first I needed to be away from him, to sort out how I was feeling. Do I love him? I still don't know. I don't even know what love is. I’ve only ever felt love from Pops. I think I love him, but how can I be sure? I’ve never felt this before, like a piece of me is missing.

The first week was easy. I got by on my anger. I was angry with him for kissing Leona, I was angry with myself for even caring, but most of all I was angry because for a split moment I saw what we could have been. We could have been so happy together, the three of us. I still haven't told him I'm pregnant, and I’m not even sure if I will. I just know I want to keep the news to myself for a little while longer.