Looked like I did do love and I was in it with my best friend.
I was so fucked.
Chapter Eight
Now, I’m not a scientist or anything, but I figured every theory needed to be tested. And so far, that’s what the whole think-I’m-in-love-with-my-best-friend thing was—a theory. I mean, I’d never been in love before. How did I know for sure? It could have been lack of female attention, rebellion, or, I don’t know, delirium or something. Stranger things had happened. Jumping to the conclusion it was love, was just a… what’s it called? Hypothesis? My science teacher would be so proud. The way I saw it, I wasn’t educated enough in love to make an educated guess about it. Especially since I wasn’t even sure I believed in it.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever really seen anyone in love before. My dad obviously didn’t love my mom, since he bailed on us. He obviously hadn’t loved me either. Mom thought she was in love a lot, but look how all those relationships turned out. Either people put too much stock in something that was so easy to fall in and out of or love and my family just didn’t jive. Before I pledged my undying devotion (not that I’d ever do that), but before I decided if I wanted to do anything about this or not, I needed to figure it out.
The thing was, I wasn’t sure how to do that. Would ignoring her, showing up where she was or flirting with her do the trick like it did with my clients? I could always try making out with her, which I’d enjoy a whole lot, but:
1. I was pretty sure if I started kissing Aspen out of the blue, I’d be talking with a high pitched voice when she finished with me.
2. Love wasn’t supposed to only be about kissing, right? I mean, I did that with the other girls and I knew damn well I didn’t love them.
The Hook-up Doctor was in uncharted territory and it sucked.
I clicked the red square in the right corner of my inbox. PA hadn’t replied back to me, so I didn’t know how her attempted flirt-fest had gone. Hopefully, it worked out for her. At least somebody should get what they wanted, even if I wasn’t. Of course, that could be because I had no idea what that was, but why keep score?
When I turned to walk toward my closet to get my guitar, a soft rapping came from my bedroom door. I groaned knowing it would be my mom. I
so
wasn’t in the mood for her shiny-happy-people impersonation today. I made a quick U-turn anyway and opened the door. “Hey, Ma.”
“Hey, kiddo. Do you work today?” She walked into my room and stole my chair. I plopped down on my bed, figuring we must be due for some big, important conversation that I had no interest in having. She never came into my room, so this had to be big. Fear trickled through me, gaining speed. Had Roger asked her? Was she getting married? Had he broken up with her? Hurt her? I bit all that back and answered her question instead.
“In a couple hours. What’s up?” I tried to focus on my bed and how it still smelled like Aspen’s cinnamon. I took a big whiff and at the same time, realized I’d totally freakin’ lost my mind. I was trying to sniff my bed? If this was love, it really screwed with you.
“Are you still going to be with Jaden this weekend?” She looked nervous, picking at something on her skirt. Uh-oh. Here we go. The fear gained strength.
“Yeah.”
“Roger asked me to go away with him for the weekend. We’re thinking a little bed and breakfast by the coast and--”
I held up my hand. “Really don’t want the details, Ma.” Especially when I could think of my own. Not the do-not-disturb kind because that made me want to vomit in my mouth, but if old Rog wanted to propose, a weekend at a little bed and breakfast at the coast would be the perfect time for him to do it. Jerk. What was the point in asking me if he didn’t plan to wait for my reply?
I couldn’t say any of that though. Not only did she not know I knew, but I could see the sparkles in her eyes and the last thing I wanted to do was be the one to dim them. So I shrugged. “Sure. Whatever. I won’t be here anyway.” It didn’t even strike me as weird that Mom was pretty much asking my permission to go away with a guy. She did a lot of stuff I didn’t agree with, but we’d always been a team. Whenever some chump broke her heart, I was the one who helped her put it back together again. That’s just how we worked.
A smile stretched across her face. “He’s special, Sebastian. Really, Roger is different.”
My eyes automatically started to roll, but I stopped them when a picture of Woodstock slipped into my head. I tried to push it out, but it kept playing over and over. Glue stuck my mouth together, and it was like part of me wanted to pry it open, but the other part wanted to clamp it shut. How lame would it be to ask my mom about girls? Hell, I knew more about women than guys like Roger who were twice my age. But this wasn’t just a girl, it was
Aspen
. She was different.
I peeked around my room, half-expecting to see a hidden camera or Jaden camped out in the corner to catch me slipping. When I was sure we were alone, I scratched an invisible itch on my head so my arms blocked my vision of Mom sitting across from me. “So, how do you, um… know you love him or whatever?”
I felt like such a loser. I was The Hook-up Doctor. I was supposed to know girls. Know
myself,
and here I was, asking my mom how she knew when she was in love. When did my life become such an epic fail? When did I lose control of everything?
When she didn’t reply, I dropped my arm to look at her. Silver-dollar sized eyes met my stare. I’d totally just screwed up. She’d never let me live this down and unlike with Jaden, she wouldn’t be teasing me, she’d be hopeful. That was much worse. “Not for me! I’m too young and having too much fun to go and think I’m in love, it’s just…Jaden—yeah, Jay met this girl and he’s all whipped over her and asking me how he knew if he loved her or not so I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.” And ramble. Since when did I start rambling? First to Mattie about Aspen and the hippie stuff and now this.
I could practically see the happy sigh fall from my mom’s mouth. I’m sure her heart was doing some love dance pitter-patter in her chest. “It’s okay, you know, Sebastian. My mistakes and your dad’s, that doesn’t--”
“Ma!” I interrupted her. “Not going there, okay? I said it wasn’t about me. Let’s not play Oprah.” I stood up and grabbed my shoes. What the hell had I been thinking?
She stopped me with her words. “Okay, then tell Jaden that I can’t really explain it. It’s just something you know. You want to take care of them and let them take care of you, too. They make you happy like no one else can.”
I tossed my shoes to the floor and sat back down. This was a huge mistake. Like making out in Alex’s room sized mistake, but I couldn’t stop myself from asking anyway. “But is it worth it? All the times you’ve been hurt? How do I, I mean how does Jaden know that he won’t get left or end up hurting her?” I’d seen my mom cry so many tears, some of them shed because of my own dad, that I wasn’t sure I could risk doing that to Aspen.
“Oh, honey.” Mom got up and sat next to me on my bed. My legs itched to get up and blow off this whole conversation, but they were too heavy. Like something weighed them to the ugly brown carpet of my bedroom. “You never know what’s going to happen. You have to have faith. All the heartache I’ve felt
is
worth it. I’ve met Roger and I’m willing to risk heartache because, not only do I think he’s worth it, but I’m worth it.”
I couldn’t really understand what she meant. Sure, it’s easy to say something was worth it, but I didn’t know if I agreed. How did you know beforehand if it really was worth it? How did you know if you could deal with the aftershocks? I didn’t know if I wanted to risk it. What if I was right and the whole love thing was just a crock and I ended up losing Aspen? My best friend?
“I think Jaden should go for it. For the first time in a long time, my life feels pretty much perfect. I have the world’s best son and a boyfriend that I love. There’s nothing else I want.”
I huffed, trying to sound lighter than I felt. “You’re such a girl.”
Mom hugged me. “I love you, Sebastian, and you tell Jaden I don’t think he has to ever worry about hurting a girl. He may not want to admit it, but his heart is always in the right place.”
We both knew we weren’t talking about Jaden. “Hmm, maybe he can use that excuse in the future when he’s being an idiot.”
She laughed. “Probably not a good idea.” Then she sighed and added, “You’re the best thing in my life, Sebastian. I’m so lucky to have you.”
This was getting way too heavy for me, so I quirked my brow at her, still as confused as ever. “Yeah, that’s what all the girls say, Ma.”
***
Aspen picked me up since we both worked the same shift that night. It was weird, the erratic thump of my pulse like I was nervous to be around her or something. Sebastian Hawkins didn’t get nervous around girls. It made me feel like a fish out of water. No, that was kind of a lame analogy. A fish out of water probably felt as though it was dying and I didn’t feel that. My palms were sweaty, my heart beating like a drum, my muscles all twitchy as if I was jacked up on five triple shots of espresso.
“Hey, you okay over there?” she touched my leg with those new, shiny nails I was still unused to. I looked over at her, in her matching DJ’s polo shirt and smiled. Well, I tried to smile, but it felt more like a grimace. “You’re being weird and you look like you’re going to puke.” She swatted me. “Oh my God, Sebastian, are you
on
something?”
Yeah, the crazy train because I think I might be in love with you.
“Hell no. You know I paid attention to all those, “this is your brain. This is your brain on drugs,” lessons in health. I don’t mess with that shit.”
She shrugged. “I know, but, I don’t know. Things have been different lately. I just wanted to be sure you’re still the same old Sebastian I know and love.”
I love you, too.
What the hell was wrong with me? Someone needed to shoot me before I could fully morph into some slobbering lovesick puppy. “Nah, I’m the same. You’re the same. Nothing’s changed.” Except nothing was the same. Everything was different.
Aspen laughed and little tremors went off inside me. Her laugh made me want to do it, too. She was quiet for a minute before she sighed. “It’s inevitable, you know. Things change.”
“Not us.” I didn’t want lose her. That was my biggest fear. So many people came in and out of my life. Besides my mom, Jaden, Pris, and Aspen had been the only one who stayed. “You’ll always be my little hippie, Woodstock.” My fingers itched to reach out and grab her. To do the hand holding thing I swore I would never do.
A smile tilted her lips. “Except, I’m not a hippie. You know that.”
She was right. She’d never been quite as bad as her parents. When I realized she didn’t argue with the part where I said she was mine, I fell back into the seat, and relaxed for the first time since getting in the car. “I know. You’re just you. That’s what makes you so damn cool. I mean, Sebastian Hawkins isn’t best friends with just anyone.” And she was one of the cool girls. The one I told PA most guys don’t notice. I hadn’t. Not until recently at least.
Aspen laughed again. “No one makes me laugh like you. Things have been kind of screwy with me lately. I still feel bad about bailing on you. Want to hang out after work tonight? Unless you’re going out or something.”
My stomach got all heavy. This was the perfect chance to test my hypotheses. For the first time in my life I was excited about a science experiment. “For you, Woodstock, my schedule is completely open.” Now, I only had to hope once I had my answer, I’d know what to do about it.
***
“I’m going to run home and get cleaned up and I’ll be back over,” I told Aspen when we pulled into her driveway at about 11:30 that night.
“Can you use my window? I don’t want my parents to know you’re over so late.”
I groaned. “Just sneak me in. All the lights are already off, so you know they’re in bed.” Yeah, I know I was being lazy, but the whole window thing was lame. Plus, heights were kind of scary.
Even in the blackness of the night, I could still see the Aspen scowl on her face. I faltered for a minute, almost telling her I’d climb the stupid side of her house, but I was tired after a long day of making pizza so, instead, I just said, “Please?”
She stomped her foot. “Fine. You’re so spoiled, Bastian. I’ll be at my door in fifteen minutes. If you’re not there, you’re not coming in.” She stormed away before I could reply. With an extra bounce in my step (yes, I’m fully aware at how stupid that sounds), I ran to my house and let myself in. I took another speed shower, got dressed and then knocked lightly on my mom’s bedroom door. The light shined from under her door so I knew she was awake. Probably reading one of those puke-worthy romance books she liked.
“Come in,” she called out. I pushed the door open enough just to stick my head inside. Sure enough she was curled up in her bed with a book that had a guy on the cover with longer hair than her.
“I’m going to go over to Aspen’s to watch a movie. I’ll be back late.” Mom was pretty lenient, but more so when it came to Aspen. I had a curfew just like the next guy, and if I told her I was going to any other girl’s house to watch a movie at midnight I’d get a big hell no. But because it was Woodstock, I got a smile.