What Just Happened? (31 page)

B
EN
: Excellent … Good. She's good. Brilliant. So far so good.

J
EREMY
: Okay, here comes the ‘dreaded ending.'

Jeremy puts his fingers up like quotation marks
.

J
EREMY
: Look. Dog—not shot. NOT dead.

ANGLE ON THE AVID SCREEN
.

WE SEE THE SAME GRAINY SHOT OF SEAN PENN. He is lying on the side of a dusty road, trying desperately to prop himself up on a large embankment. Blood, his blood, is all over the place. When he nears the top, he topples back down in a grim heap. He appears to be critically injured. Almost lifeless, he refuses to give in. A smallish dog loyally stands next to him
.

S
EAN
: I'm not going to beg.

Three men impassively eye Sean's struggle
.

S
EAN
: You think I care about me? It's you I'm worried about. Your salvation … ‘Father forgive them, they know not what
they
do.'

ON THE SCREEN one of the men raises his gun. The dog, barking like mad
.

ANGLE ON THE GUNMAN, who shoots Sean three times in the chest. ANGLE ON SEAN who is lying face up in a bloody heap. The dog enters the shot and starts licking the blood off of Sean's face. Sean trying to stay in character remains motionless until finally he turns and smiles at the dog
.

J
EREMY
: Dog—not dead—coming over to comfort his master.

INT. EDITING ROOM

Jeremy freezes the image. He looks at Ben, who slowly places his hands on his chest as if he's about to receive a large Buddhist blessing
.

B
EN
: Brilliant! Wow!

Jeremy pats his hand over his mouth gives out a victorious Indian war chant
.

J
EREMY
: WHOOOP! WHOOOP! Lou's going to come in her pants.

B
EN
: Panties.

J
EREMY
: Pants, actually.

B
EN
: Point taken.

Ben gestures at the Avid
.

B
EN
: How? How did you figure …

J
EREMY
: It was an outtake. I had ten of them. We could never get the dog to stay still. He loved Sean.

B
EN
: Brilliant. I mean it certainly changes the tone of the movie. I just hope that …

J
EREMY
: I know. I know. The movie won't mean anything now but at least we can be comforted in that it won't
offend
.

B
EN
: Jeremy. I don't get it. This isn't you talking. What happened?

J
EREMY
: It's me.

B
EN
: How did you get there?

J
EREMY
: Placidyl, laddie. Placidyl. You take that, according to them, three times a day. I could watch me mum get gang-raped in broad daylight and still admire the weather.

B
EN
: Apparently, the stuff works.

J
EREMY
: Well, there's a catch to it. You cannot mix it with coke or alcohol, sadly.

B
EN
: What happens?

J
EREMY
: Bad juju. If you do that with Placidyl the raging snake comes shrieking out of the closet. Not good.

Ben looks at the Avid's frozen image of Sean Penn smiling next to lovable dog
.

B
EN
: I admire your courage. Where can I kiss you? C'mon. There's no location I wouldn't consider.

Jeremy holds up the Placidyl bottle
.

J
EREMY
: Hey, this shit's not that strong.

They both laugh. Ben grabs his cell phone and dials
.

B
EN
: I gotta call Lou. Hello, Judy. Is Lou there? It's Ben … tell her I'm in the cutting room and it's important.

INT. LOU'S OFFICE/BATHROOM—INTERCUT WITH EDIT ROOM

Lou picks up the phone in her private bathroom
.

L
OU
: Yes, Ben.

B
EN
: Jeremy's done it. He's really done it. I think we've licked this bastard.

L
OU
: I knew you would make this work. You have a way, Ben.

B
EN
: We ham and egged it, you and I. We're a good team.

L
OU
: It's not that I doubt you but when can I see it?

Lou gets up from the toilet and without regard to the fact that Ben can hear, flushes. The loud noise backs Ben away from his phone
.

B
EN
: Well I guess we know who's number one.

L
OU
: WHAT?

B
EN
: You can see it whenever you want.

He turns to Jeremy
.

B
EN
: Okay. Okay, I'll tell him. She'll be by this afternoon with her creative team. Pick out your tux and leisure wear, we'll be leaving to Cannes in a few days.

Cut to:

EXT. BUILDING LOBBY—LATER SAME DAY

Ben walks toward a building lobby, cell phone in hand
.

B
EN
: (
into his phone
) Dick … you gotta face this thing. You have to tell him
now
. You've got to. My director is starting to look like a stroke victim. Get back to me.

INT. SHRINKS OFFICE—SAME DAY

SUPER
: 4:00
PM

A woman, Doctor Randell, is seated behind an expensively designed desk. Kelly and Ben are facing each other and are seated in front of the doctor
.

B
EN
: I thought we're both supposed to be telling the TRUTH here. That we are supposed to tell what we have done wrong to the other person. To get it off our chest. Are you saying that you've never …

K
ELLY
: Wait a minute …

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: Kelly. Ben is right. You've got to unburden yourself of your transgressions. That's how both of you will start to feel relief.

B
EN
: Well, if that's the point. She's not doing it.

K
ELLY
: Look, I thought the goal here was not to get us back together but to help us feel better about being apart. So we can move on gracefully. We share two kids.

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: Exactly right. This is an exercise to help couples
separate
from each other with love and affection instead of acrimony. It's not about trying to control the other person's behavior.

B
EN
: Okay.

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: Let's start again. Is there anything you can think of that you've done to Kelly while you were married that you wish you didn't?

B
EN
: That question feels so vague. I don't know.

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: Okay, here's an example. When you were married did you ever lie about your whereabouts with other women?

B
EN
: Uhh … no.

Ben sees Kelly roll her eyes
.

B
EN
: Well … there was one time when we were married when I thought about seeing Ann.

K
ELLY
: Really. And did you?

B
EN
: Uhh … yes, but nothing happened … I just. Well, I guess I wanted to but hey. (
turns to Randall
) I think I know what you mean. I feel a little better already.

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: Is that everything on this matter?

B
EN
: Pretty much.

K
ELLY
: Not true.

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: The complete truth will set you free, Ben.

B
EN
: I, uhh, was with Ann once at a party?

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: Where?

B
EN
: In the bathroom?

K
ELLY
: You fucker.

Ben shrugs
.

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: Very good, Ben. Now Kelly, it is not for you to judge. This is just a start. We're a little short on time so let's give Kelly a chance, and then next week, we will dig deeper. You ready Kelly?

K
ELLY
: Yes.

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: Did you ever use your kids as ammunition against Ben?

K
ELLY
: No.

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: Did you ever have an affair while you were married?

Ben perks up
.

K
ELLY
: Absolutely not!

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: Okay, then. Is that all?

K
ELLY
: Well there was one time at Alan's son's bar mitzvah when I kissed Alan on the mouth in the master bathroom.

B
EN
: How could you do that to Sheila?

K
ELLY
: Oh please. It never went farther than that. I must admit I did think about it though.

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: That's very good.

B
EN
: Why don't we talk about what we are doing to each other
now
?

K
ELLY
: What?

B
EN
: You know ‘what.'

K
ELLY
: You never wanted to talk about ‘NOW' before.

B
EN
: I have no problem with ‘now,' you do.

K
ELLY
: That's not why we are here.

B
EN
: Doctor, isn't this a classic case of ‘avoidance'?

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: (
looking at her watch
) Sorry, but we're going to have to table this until next time. What you guys are doing takes guts but it's going to work. I want to congratulate both of you.

Dr. Randall applauds them. Kelly and Ben just stare at each other blankly
.

D
R
. R
ANDALL
: You'll see. As we dig deeper and deeper … you guys are going to feel so good about being apart … that you're never going to want to get back together.

Cut to:

INT. ELEVATOR

Ben and Kelly alone, not talking, watching the floors tick by. They feel worse but both are trying to make the best of this. Ben's cell phone goes off. Kelly shrugs. Ben glances at his phone. It's killing him not to answer
.

INT. BUILDING LOBBY

Finally the elevator doors open
.

K
ELLY
: Thanks for the restraint.

She kisses him on the cheek and exits. Ben watches her walk off
.

Cut to:

INT. UNDERGROUND GARAGE

Ben speeds through the facility, tires shrieking, while he descends toward the exit. Over this, we hear message after message from his assistants, Dawn and Carl, about the many phone calls from Sid's office demanding resolution on the Bruce/beard issue
.

INT. NAIL SALON—NIGHT

TIGHT ANGLE of two rather hairy calloused feet being lowered into a vat of steaming orange oil. As the camera pulls up we can see we are in rather posh Vietnamese nail salon. And the feet belong to Dick Bell, the agent. It's late in the evening but the place is packed with housewives and non-English-speaking Vietnamese girls. No other men. Dick is reclining in a large vibrating chair, he has pressed the vibration on high. He has a towel over his face. A hand reaches in and lifts the towel
.

B
EN
: Had a feeling you'd be here.

D
ICK
: (
vibrating voice
) Who told you?

B
EN
: Your new assistant.

D
ICK
: (
vibrating voice
) Just trying to find some peace.

B
EN
: We are red-lining here. Did you talk to Bruce?

D
ICK
: Yes. Let me finish this and we will discuss it at length.

B
EN
: I got to know.

D
ICK
: I'm done in five, ten minutes. I'm trying to relax. You should have one. The feet are connected to the soul.

B
EN
: I don't need one.

Dick grabs the wet towel and places it back over his face
.

B
EN
: Five minutes.

Ben looks around and finds an empty vibrating lounge chair on the other side of the long narrow room from Dick. As soon as he sits, he is swarmed upon by three Vietnamese girls. He tries to protest but they take his shoes off, roll up his pant legs, and start soaking his feet in hot blue oily water to prepare for a pedicure
.

Ben tries to go with it, but he loses his patience, grabs his cell phone, and calls Dick from across the crowded room. Dick, jolted out of his reverie, attaches his ear piece and answers
.

B
EN
: Dick. Enough. Enough! Did you tell him he has to shave and what the consequences would be if he didn't?

D
ICK
: Yes.

B
EN
: What'd he say?

D
ICK
: He told me that he hopes I contract pancreatic
cancer and die a slow withering death.

B
EN
: He's a beauty. What'd he say after he calmed down?

D
ICK
: He said, ‘you gutless little turd.'

On that remark, Ben removes his feet from the oil bowl and trudges toward Dick while still talking to Dick on the phone. The girls rush after him making him put on throw-away thongs so he won't slip
.

B
EN
: Oh no … and then what did he say?