What She Left for Me (14 page)

“What about the other woman?” her mother asked. “You said she was the secretary at the church. Surely you had dealings with her as well.”

Jana nodded. “I did. She was openly friendly with me. It wasn’t like she snuck around when I’d show up at the church or that she tried to avoid me. She was sort of sad to be around, but I’d heard that she was unhappy in her marriage.”

“Well, that should have been a warning.”

“I don’t know why it should have been a warning for me any more than when another church member left her husband and filed for divorce. It didn’t seem to have anything to do with me or with Rob directly, except that she was a part of our church family and we cared that she was hurting.”

“Apparently Rob cared a little more than he should have,” her mother said snidely.

“Well, be that as it may,” Jana said, unable to keep the annoyance from her voice, “no one at the church knew it was coming either. Neither did Kerry’s husband, although he admits knowing she was unhappy.”

“So what’s your plan now?”

Jana looked to her mother. “I plan to get a job as soon as possible and get out on my own.”

“There’s no need for that,” Taffy protested. “There’s plenty of room here, and I have more than enough money to see you and the baby well cared for. Your mother won’t take any help from me, so the least you could do is let me assist you in this way.”

Eleanor voiced her exasperation and disapproval. “Taffy, you may well need your money in the years to come.”

Taffy laughed and shook her head. “I’m almost eighty years old. I have stock dividends that are paying me well, despite the economy going up and down. I have money in the bank that I don’t know what to do with, especially now that I’ve sold all my other properties.”

“I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I get the impression that Mom thinks I came here to use the two of you, but it isn’t true. I’ll work around the house and care for myself. Or I can stay in my room all day if that will please her.” Jana looked to Eleanor, feeling more contempt for her mother than she had in some time.

“There’s no need for any of that. This is my house,” Taffy said with a tone of authority. “I’ve invited you to live here the rest of your days, if you so choose, just as I did your mother. It’s a free gift, one that I gladly offer. I’m blessed with plenty, and it does me much good to bless you in return. Besides, before your mother came here, I was lonely. It will be good to have you and a new baby in the house. We’re getting much too old and frumpy without young people around us. Don’t you agree, Eleanor?” She looked at Eleanor as if daring her to contradict her statement.

“I don’t think being reserved and living quietly is the same as being old and frumpy,” Eleanor said, taking the challenge. “And frankly, I think a baby will disrupt the lives of everyone around it.”

“Like I did?” Jana asked bitterly. “This isn’t about the baby, is it? It’s about me. You might as well say it. You don’t want me here.”

“Ladies, I refuse to have combat at my dining room table,” Taffy interjected. “The matter isn’t open to discussion. Jana, you are welcome to stay here as long as you like. You needn’t worry about money. We’ll go tomorrow, just you and me if need be, and set up a checking account for you. You think about how much money you need monthly, and remember you won’t have rent or utilities or food to pay for. You will, however, need new clothes and personal articles, things for the baby. Do you have health insurance? Probably not, eh? We will work out the details of your medical expenses as well. You are not to worry—simply have a wonderful time anticipating your baby. Oh, what fun! You can plan an entire nursery.”

“You don’t have to do that. I’m perfectly capable of working.”

“I won’t have it. You need time to recover from this tragedy in your life. I’ll help you in whatever way I can—pay for the lawyer or anything else that needs to be done.”

Jana could see that none of this boded well with her mother, and in that moment a spirit of defiance rose up in Jana’s heart. Her mother didn’t want her to take Taffy’s money. Her mother didn’t want her here. This would be a definite sore spot—a thorn in her side—but Jana didn’t care. “Thank you, Aunt Taffy. I’m blessed that someone cares. I know my baby will be blessed because of it too.” She refused to look at her mother, but Jana knew she was seething.

****

Jana finished arranging her things in the Rose Room and collapsed into a nearby chair. For the little that she’d brought with her, it certainly had taken a lot of work. A knock sounded on her door, but rather than get up, Jana simply called out a welcome.

The door opened and her mother stepped in. “We need to talk.”

Jana straightened in the chair, as if caught doing something wrong. Her mother closed the door behind her and crossed the room to where Jana sat.

“I know you think I’m being unduly harsh with you, but I want you to seriously consider the situation you’re in and think about what you can and cannot offer this child.”

“Well, I know one thing,” she said, getting to her feet to face her mother. “I can offer this child a mother who loves her or him. That’s more than you gave.”

“Love doesn’t put food on the table or a roof over your head.”

“Aunt Taffy has already offered all of that.”

Eleanor shook her head. “That old woman is growing more confused as the weeks go by. She’s probably got the onset of Alzheimer’s.”

“You don’t know that,” Jana countered. “Taffy is a wonderful woman who has a remarkable sense of joy and humor. I have never in my life been around anyone who emits such happiness from just existing. I certainly never saw that kind of happiness growing up. Which reminds me . . . why didn’t you ever tell me about Aunt Taffy raising you?”

Eleanor’s face seemed to pale. “It wasn’t important. There was absolutely nothing that could have benefited you by knowing.”

“I might have benefited by knowing
her!
At least then I could have known what it was like to be loved and cared about.” Jana stepped closer to her mother. “I’ve never understood what the problem was between us. I know that somehow I offended you merely by being born and being female, but how in the world you justified keeping me—but never loving me—I’ll never know.”

Her mother looked genuinely stunned by Jana’s words. She opened her mouth to say something, but Jana waved her off. “Don’t even start. I don’t want your excuses or your condemnation.”

“I wasn’t going to offer either.”

“That would be a first.”

Her mother shook her head and turned to walk away, then stopped at the door. “You don’t know anything about my life. You have no idea why I made the choices I made, yet you condemn me for every one of them.”

“I have no idea what the truth is,” Jana countered, “because you won’t share it. You won’t talk to me—you never have. When I’ve asked questions about the past and about my father, you simply clam up and tell me the past needs to remain in the past where it can’t hurt us. Well, in case you didn’t realize it, the past has hurt me plenty. And the present is doing an equally good job.”

Jana didn’t want to break down and cry in front of her mother, but hot tears were welling in her eyes. “I’ll never understand why you hate me so much.”

Her mother’s mouth dropped open, as if the statement actually took her by surprise. “I don’t hate you. How could you even suggest such a thing? Everything I’ve ever done has been done out of love. I should have aborted you, but I didn’t. I should have given you up for adoption, but I didn’t. What I did do was protect you from the things in the past that could hurt you most. Unfortunately, the truth—and the details of what took place—was among those things I kept hidden. Now you want me to parade them around like some kind of novelty?”

“No,” Jana said, moving back to her chair in defeat. “I don’t want a parade. I don’t want lectures or advice from a woman whom I clearly believe did it all wrong.” She paused. “I only wanted your love. And I never got that. Because in order to love someone, you actually have to have a relationship with them, and you flatly refuse to open yourself up enough to do that.”

Her mother said nothing for several moments, and Jana hoped she would just leave. It hurt to know that Taffy, a woman who scarcely knew Jana, could open her heart so freely, while Eleanor could offer her nothing but anger.

“Everyone always says they want the truth,” Eleanor said softly. “They tell you how opening yourself up and being honest will make healthier relationships, closer bonds. But I can tell you from experience that no one is honest—not when the truth is ugly and deformed. No one wants to hear the truth when it’s not rosy and full of sweet platitudes.” She moved to the door and opened it.

“I can’t give you the fairy-tale relationship you want. I can’t give you the truth you claim to be in need of . . . because you won’t want to hear it. But there is one truth I can say, and you may deny it all you like. But I do love you. I loved you enough to protect you from the cruelty of what happened to me—to us. I still do.”

With that she left. Her words rang in Jana’s ears. Nothing of her life and relationship with Eleanor Templeton could in any way relate to love. Nothing.

Thirteen

The next day Taffy was true to her word. She arranged a checking account for Jana much to Eleanor’s protest.

“She needs to be self-sufficient,” Eleanor told Taffy later on as the two drove home from running errands.

“She needs to be loved and cared for,” Taffy countered. “I don’t see that being self-sufficient has given you any great joy or advantage in life.”

Eleanor looked at Taffy oddly, then quickly focused back on the road. “It’s kept me sane.”

Taffy felt an instant sorrow for the woman she’d helped to raise. “I suppose it’s my fault,” she began. “I always stressed being a strong woman—being capable. I just didn’t figure it would cause you to put up walls around your heart.”

“Being cautious where emotions are concerned is always wise.” Eleanor turned onto their street and slowed the vehicle. “I know you think me cruel, but Jana cannot allow herself to sink into despair over this. She’ll be eaten alive by depression and hopelessness if we allow it. I’ve been through enough psychoanalysis to know this. I’ve studied it too; not in depth, but I do understand how this works.”

“But she’s entitled to grieve. She’s suffered a loss—the same as if it were a death. You are always saying there are worse things than death; well, this is one of those things. Jana needs to let go of those feelings of loss. You should have learned to do that yourself. Instead of bottling up all the sorrow and hurt, you could have purged those emotions and been done with it.”

“You’re never done with it,” Eleanor protested. “Just because you have a good cry doesn’t mean the problems are solved or that they go away.” She pulled the car into the driveway and turned to Taffy as she shut off the engine. “I don’t want to cripple Jana with pity. Pity doesn’t help anyone. I want her to be strong so she can deal with the blows of life. If she doesn’t need anyone, she won’t fall apart when people leave her.”

“Did that honestly work for you?” Taffy questioned.

Eleanor stiffened. “Like I said, it kept me sane. If I’d chosen another path I would’ve been dead by now because I wouldn’t have been able to bear the sorrow, the misery. You don’t understand. You’ve lived a life of wealth and comfort. You had a husband you loved—who loved you. You never had to worry about the things I have. You never had to face being taken from the only comfort you knew, the only people you loved. And you certainly weren’t responsible for killing your mother.”

****

Jana enjoyed the warmth of the day. June in Montana was a wonder. There was the strong suggestion that summer had arrived, while at the same time the nights were chilly and the mountains still bore snow. Taffy had even told her that the previous year they had awakened to four inches of snow in the middle of June. The stuff didn’t last long, but Jana found it amazing nevertheless. She almost hoped it would snow this June.

The town of Lomara wasn’t all that big. It took less than five minutes to run the full length of Main Street. There were a few bars and cafés, a couple of banks—one of which held Jana’s new checking account—a clinic that boasted four doctors, a dental office, and the police station. A convenience store and gas station marked the edge of town, along with a grocery store and pizza place. The town had the requisite casino that every Montana town seemed to have. What was it with gambling and this state? Offshoots from Main Street led to a variety of other businesses: a taxidermist, a couple of car repair services, a post office, and the fire department, as well as those ever-famous golden arches.

Jana, against her better judgment, had indulged in a fast-food lunch, simply because there was comfort in the familiar. Was there any place in the world that didn’t have a McDonald’s?

She thought back to her days in college and all the times she’d popped into a similar McDonald’s. It hadn’t been that long ago, but it seemed like an eternity had passed. She’d studied art and in particular interior design, but looking around her now, Jana was pretty confident those skills wouldn’t help her here.

In a way, she knew she was stuck. Stuck accepting her aunt’s help if she remained in Lomara. Stuck in Lomara unless by some miracle she won the lottery. “Which is hard to do since I don’t believe in risking my money that way,” she muttered.