What She Left for Me (37 page)

Eleanor opened the door to find Stanley on the other side. To her surprise, she smiled and felt no anger at his intrusion. Could it be her heart was already changing? Had the liberty that had come in her confession already started to soften her heart?

“Hello, Stanley. Won’t you come in?”

He frowned and leaned against the doorframe. “I need some help. I think I’m having a heart attack.”

“Jana, call 9–1-1,” she called as she took hold of him. “Stanley thinks he’s having a heart attack.”

She heard action in the background as she helped Stanley into the house. “Come sit down.” Taffy was already on her feet as they entered the living room.

“Stanley, what in the world have you done to yourself now?” Taffy asked, trying to sound lighthearted.

“Don’t know. I started having chest pains after we got back. Thought it would pass.” His face was so pale that Eleanor worried he’d waited too long to get help.

“That was an hour ago,” Taffy said, noting the time. “Goodness, but you don’t have a lick of sense.”

“An ambulance is on its way,” Jana told them, coming back to join them in the living room. “Can you breathe okay, Stanley?”

“Feels tight, but otherwise I’m all right. Figured maybe I should get help.”

“Well, that’s an understatement,” Taffy said, coming to his side. She patted his arm. “You’re in good hands now. We’ll keep you under control until the EMTs get here.”

It was only a matter of minutes before they heard sirens, signaling the arrival of the ambulance. Jana went out to the porch to wave the EMTs down.

“Do you suppose they’ll be able to take care of me here at the clinic?” Stanley questioned.

“Could be,” Taffy replied.

Eleanor doubted that this would be the case but said nothing. After all, it was worrisome enough to have the old man sitting there clutching his chest. No need to further escalate his concern.

Jana led the EMTs into the house. The first man nodded at Taffy and then knelt beside Stanley. “What have you been up to, Stanley?” He began to examine the older man.

“I wasn’t doing much, Bart. I took Taffy to her retreat, but then we found out it wasn’t scheduled until next weekend.”

Bart nodded. “My Mary is planning to attend as well.” He glanced up to his partner. “Hey, Mike, can you get his BP?”

“Sure thing.” The man began the procedure to take Stanley’s blood pressure while Bart proceeded to listen to Stanley’s heart.

Eleanor noted Taffy’s worried expression. She went to her aunt and put her arm around Taffy’s shoulder. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

“He’s reckless,” Taffy told her. “It’s a wonder he hasn’t caused himself a full-blown stroke the way he works.”

“I wasn’t doing anything,” Stanley protested. “Just driving around with you.”

“Well now, Stanley,” Bart said, laughing, “with a pretty lady like Miz Anderson, it’s understandable. You probably got your heart racing with her at your side.”

They all laughed at this, and even Eleanor joined them. She knew Stanley was completely besotted with Taffy. Why the two didn’t get married was beyond her. Of course, she’d certainly never encouraged such a thing. In fact, if anything, she’d been discouraging the relationship in any capacity.

I’ve been so cruel,
she thought.
I’ve never been very nice to this old man, and yet he’s done nothing but offer kindness. I’ve sinned against him in my ugliness toward him. I know I’ve hurt him many times in the way I’ve treated him.
Guilt again emerged from the recesses of Eleanor’s mind. She frowned. Could she really take it captive? Could she, of her own will, face that guilt and render it powerless by refusing to give it control?

By now the EMTs had hooked Stanley up to some machine and were monitoring his heart. “Stanley, I don’t think this is a heart attack. Everything looks good,” Bart announced. “But we’re going to get you on over to the clinic. I’ve already notified the doc. Mike, why don’t you go ahead and get the stretcher.”

“I’m not going to the clinic on any stretcher,” Stanley declared. “Especially if my heart is okay. I’ll drive myself over.”

“Oh no you won’t. You aren’t driving anywhere.” Taffy waggled her finger at him. “You are going to behave.”

“Not if it means going on a stretcher. Stretchers are for dead people.”

Taffy gasped. “Stanley Jacobs!”

“Well, they are. And last time I checked, I wasn’t dead.”

“I could take him,” Eleanor offered. “Would that be okay?” She looked to the men for an answer.

“You could follow us over. It’s just four blocks, and I don’t want to agitate Stanley further.”

Eleanor looked at the old man. “Would that work, Stanley? Would you ride with me to the clinic?”

“Of course he will,” Taffy answered for him. “He may be the most stubborn man in the world, but if he ever wants another of my apple cobblers, he’ll do as he’s told.”

Stanley grinned. “Now I’m motivated.” He started to get up, pulling the wires of the machine with him. “I’ll expect that cobbler when I get back from the clinic.”

“Hold on, Stanley. Let me get you disconnected before you destroy my equipment.”

“You do what you’re told,” Taffy commanded, “and I’ll fix you a cobbler this evening. For now I’m coming to the clinic and making sure you behave.”

Within a matter of minutes, Bart and Mike had Stanley in the car. Taffy was in the back seat, and to Eleanor’s surprise, so was Jana. Eleanor got in and snapped her seat belt on. “How are you feeling, Stanley?”

He glanced over and gave her a thumbs-up. “I’m getting a cobbler, aren’t I?” He grinned and shook his head. “You’re all being so good to me.”

“Well, it’s not like we had a choice,” Taffy teased. “You come busting into my house complaining of a heart attack.”

He smiled over his shoulder. “Guess I know how to get your attention.”

Eleanor pulled out of the drive and followed the rescue team as Taffy replied, “Guess you do.”

It was about four hours later that the doctor decided it was most likely the two corned beef sandwiches and healthy helping of cucumber and onion salad that Stanley had had for lunch that were causing his pain. With Stanley feeling considerably better, he offered Taffy a sheepish grin as he walked out of the exam room on his own steam.

“I should just forget about the cobbler,” Taffy said, hands on hips. “Goodness, but you gave us all a fright.”

“That’s an understatement,” Eleanor said, realizing she cared more about Stanley than she’d known. How was it that she had allowed herself to care?

She looked across the waiting room at Jana, who was chatting with one of the nurses, and then at Taffy, whose face fairly beamed relief. All of her life she had tried her best not to care about either of them, but what a fool she’d been. They were all very important to her—even Stanley. The realization was more startling than Eleanor could have imagined.

I really don’t know myself at all.
She sighed and thought again of the guilt in her life. There were choices to be made . . . a divided path that called for her to go one way or the other.

It’s time,
she thought.
Time to get to know myself, and maybe time to reacquaint myself with God as well.

“Are you ready?” Taffy asked.

Eleanor smiled at the irony. The question seemed to reflect her thoughts. “Yes,” she said softly. “I believe I am.”

Thirty-three

Jana sat in the comfort of her room, rocking slowly back and forth. Thanksgiving was only days away, and Taffy was quite excited to have an excuse for a gathering. So far the only one coming besides Jana and her mother, however, was Stanley. Still, this seemed to be more than enough for Taffy.

Jana gently rubbed her abdomen, nearly overwhelmed by the love she already knew for her unborn child. The connection she felt with her child left Jana somewhat confused by the past, however. How could her mother have loved her as much as she’d said, then pushed aside that love out of fear?

“God, how do I keep it from happening to us?” She looked to her growing stomach. “I don’t want to hurt you. I love you so much—I feel so compelled to mother you. But I have to admit, I’m afraid.”

A Bible verse she’d memorized while she was in Africa came to mind. “ ‘Do not fear,’ ” she whispered, “ ‘for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’ ” They had sung it to music over and over. The precious words of Isaiah 41:10 came back to Jana in a flood of emotion.

God wasn’t promising a perfect life in that verse, but He was promising companionship, strength, and help. “I want to believe that,” she said, glancing upward. “I don’t want to be afraid. If I’m afraid, I’ll do the same things to this baby that my mother did to me. I know I’m not strong; she wasn’t either. Even though I’ve always considered my mother a rock of strength, I realize now how broken she’s always been. Why couldn’t I have seen that sooner?”

Jana got up and walked to the window. Outside, the world had turned brown and dingy. Snow was promised for the holiday weekend, and heavy lead gray clouds covered the sky like a blanket.

“I wish I could have understood her pain,” Jana continued in prayer. “I wish I could have been more sensitive to her needs.” She rubbed her lower back and tried to stretch. The weight of the baby created a pull that left Jana constantly massaging her muscles.

With only a few weeks remaining until her due date, the doctor had told her she should be ready to go, and her mother was already suggesting the three of them take up residence in Missoula. Apparently, her mother had found some hotel that allowed for long stays at reasonable rates. The doctor didn’t think it was necessary to actually move up, but it made Taffy and Eleanor feel better, so Jana had agreed. They would head up shortly after Thanksgiving as long as the roads were clear and the weather wasn’t threatening a blizzard.

Jana had never anticipated anything as much as she had the birth of her child. She sighed with regret that Rob couldn’t have been there too. Regret that he couldn’t have been the man she’d made him out to be in her mind, her dreams.

“I thought I knew who he was and who I was when I was with him,” she said, turning from the window. She walked to the nursery area of her room and fingered the bedding in the crib. “I thought he was my prince charming. I thought I could trust him with my heart.” Tears came to her eyes. “I thought I could trust him with your heart too,” she added as she once again gave her belly a loving touch.

“God, this seems so unfair. I’m so confused by what happened. I know Rob’s gone, but I keep wishing there were a way for us to work things out. I want to be at peace, yet there isn’t a real peace in any of this. I can’t offer Rob forgiveness; he’s not even here.”

But you could offer Kerry forgiveness,
a voice spoke deep in her soul.

Jana had thought off and on about Kerry since the woman had shown up on her doorstep. She remembered Kerry’s tearful pleadings for forgiveness. Jana hugged her arms to her body. Could she give Kerry what she wanted? Could she forgive her?

Jana retook her seat in the rocker and considered the possibility. She drew a deep breath and blew it out. “God, I’ve been so wrong. I’ve been as stubborn about my hurts as my mother was about hers, and in the process, I’ve pushed you away because you represented Rob and all the things that had hurt me so deeply. I want to forgive Kerry and Rob—I do. But I don’t know how. How do I let go of this?”

Taffy’s words came back to mind.
“My sins separated me from God in the same way his did. We are fallible and we will sin. But Jesus made a sacrifice so that all of those sins could be covered. It starts in seeking forgiveness—in repentance.”

Jana nodded. The truth that her great-aunt had revealed was only now starting to sink in. “I need to repent of my anger and bitterness. I need to be forgiven too.”

****

Eleanor studied a book of recipes, looking for just the right choices for Thanksgiving dinner. Taffy had already decided she would make two pumpkin pies from scratch. It was her grandmother’s recipe, she’d told Eleanor almost conspiratorially.

Eleanor had been awash in thoughts of family ever since. Even now she found it almost impossible to concentrate. She hadn’t allowed herself to think of her family since the time when she first came to live with Taffy. The pain of losing everyone had been nearly too much for a fourteen-year-old to take. But she had conquered it by refusing to even think about them.

But things had changed—everything had changed. Eleanor felt as though she were breaking free of a lifelong cocoon. But what did she do now that she’d emerged?

She looked at the open book and saw that the page listed recipes for glazed carrots. Her brothers had loved carrots. They grew well in the garden, and her mother was always frustrated to find that the boys had gotten into the vegetables and taken samples before she was ready to pick them.

Eleanor smiled at the memory of her brothers. Where were they now? What had happened to them? Should she try to find them or let well enough alone? After all, if they were still alive, they were no doubt caught up in their own families and problems. Why add to that worry? And if they were dead . . . Well, she didn’t even like to think about that.