What She Left for Me (39 page)

The doorbell sounded and Jana struggled to her feet, convinced it was Kerry. “Let me answer it.”

But opening the door revealed the pastor instead of Kerry. “Hello, Pastor Clifford.”

“I wish you’d call me Kevin.” He grinned and extended a foil-wrapped package. “I come bearing gifts.”

“By all means, Kevin, come in then,” Jana said with a laugh. “We always allow gift-bearing visitors.”

He wiped his shoes on the rug and slipped them off as was the habit of most people who came to call.

“They’re in the kitchen working their talents to perfection.”

“Smells like it.”

“Can I take your coat?”

“No, I can’t stay long. Say, how are you feeling?”

She ran her hand over her abdomen. “Fat.” She laughed in spite of herself. “But otherwise okay. I’ll be glad when this baby is born.” She realized without warning that she no longer felt the fear and alienation toward Kevin that she’d known before. It was a relief to be able to offer the man a more companionable attitude.

“My sister says the same thing. She thinks the end will never come.”

“I know exactly how she feels. Sometimes I think I’ll be like this forever.” She motioned to the dining room. “Come on. Taffy will berate me if I don’t get you in there for a cup of coffee.”

“Coffee sounds good—especially with chocolate chip pumpkin bread,” he said, again holding up his gift.

“Did your wife make that?”

He laughed. “I’m not married.” He looked at her oddly. “What made you think I was married?”

“I’m not sure. I guess you mentioned your family once.”

“I meant my mom and dad and brother and sister. My sister’s staying with my folks now that her husband’s guard unit is busy overseas. Anyway, my mom made up a bunch of this bread to give to my congregation. I do well to make a decent cup of coffee and keep the microwave from exploding. I stay away from really dangerous ventures like mixing ingredients.”

Jana laughed as well. “Sounds like you need a keeper.”

His grin broadened. “Are you offering?” He instantly reddened at the comment, realizing how out of line he’d been. “Just kidding.”

Jana sobered. Her anger at God had been rectified, but the thought of another husband was far from her mind. “It’s okay,” she finally said. “I’m not thinking in that direction right now, but maybe someday I will.”

He nodded, his expression completely serious. “Maybe when that day comes, you’ll let me know.”

Jana was surprised by his comment but managed to hide it. After all, Kevin had to know that any interest he held for her would have to be extended to her unborn child. “Maybe I will.”

“Kevin! What brings you here on the holiday? Did your mom kick you out?” Taffy asked with a wink. “Need a place to eat?”

“Not at all. I came with this,” he said patting the loaf of pumpkin bread.

“I’ll bet I know exactly what that is. Come on into the kitchen. We’re working on the dinner, but we can surely take time out for your mother’s incredible chocolate chip pumpkin bread.”

Taffy went to the cupboard and pulled out a mug. “You like it with one sugar, right?”

Kevin nodded and took a seat next to Jana at the table. “Hello, Mrs. Templeton,” he said as Eleanor came to the table with small plates and a knife.

“Hello.”

Jana could hear the reservation in her mother’s tone but was surprised when she willingly sat down beside Jana. “Will you be staying with us for dinner today?” Eleanor asked.

“No, my mom would be pretty disappointed if I didn’t eat with them.” He glanced at his watch. “Yikes, I need to make this a short visit. We’re eating at noon, and I still have five loaves to deliver.”

Taffy put the cup in front of him. “Well, drink up.”

Eleanor opened the foiled package and began slicing the bread. “I think you’ll like this, Jana. I had some last year.”

“She makes it every year,” Kevin said, throwing Jana a smile. “Stick around long enough and you’ll see.”

“We intend to have her here for ages and ages,” Taffy interjected. “We’re much too excited about having a baby in the house to let her go and move off.”

“See, they only want me for the baby,” Jana said, laughing. But then she caught her mother’s look. Perhaps she had hurt Eleanor’s feelings. “No, I take that back,” she added quickly. “They’ve definitely made me feel that I’m welcome here for myself.”

“That’s for certain,” Taffy said, taking the plate Eleanor offered.

“Indeed,” her mother said and passed another plate to Kevin.

“Do we need butter?” Taffy asked.

“I don’t,” Jana said. “This looks plenty rich without any trimming.”

“I’ve probably already had two loaves,” Kevin chimed in, “and all without butter. The holidays are hard on pastors, you know. We get all sorts of food gifts, when what I really need is a gym membership.”

They all laughed, though Jana could see the man didn’t have an ounce of fat on him. She remembered seeing him bicycling all over town and wondered for a moment what it might be like to share a ride with him. But even as the thought came, she knew it was too soon. There would be time for such things later—when the time was right and her heart was whole again.

“Are you even listening?” Taffy asked.

Jana felt her face flush as they all looked at her with questioning faces. “I’m sorry, I guess I was lost in my thoughts. What did you say?”

“Kevin invited us to a potluck dinner after church on Sunday,” Taffy reiterated.

Jana looked to her mother. “I think that sounds very nice.”

“What should we bring?” her mother asked, surprising them all.

Jana smiled. It was in that moment that she knew deep in her heart that everything would be all right. It might take years to work through all the kinks, but a healing, an honest healing, had begun in their household—in their hearts.

****

Kerry arrived not long after Kevin had gone. Jana greeted her at the door, feeling uncertain as to how she should approach the things she wanted to discuss.

“We’re going to stay holed up in the kitchen,” Taffy announced. “There is all sorts of work to be done if we’re to eat at two.”

“Do you need help?” Jana asked.

“Yes, I would love to lend a hand,” Kerry said.

“Nonsense. It’s my kitchen, and I barely tolerate Eleanor,” Taffy said, giving her niece a sly grin. “You girls enjoy yourselves in the privacy of the living room. I’ve already got the fire going.”

Jana was grateful for the opportunity for privacy. Even her mother seemed to have no problem with the arrangement. “Let us know if you need anything,” Eleanor called as she followed Taffy into the kitchen.

“I know this is probably uncomfortable for you,” Jana started as they moved into the living room. “It is for me.” She could feel all of her old defenses coming into place.
This is the woman who stole your husband and ruined your marriage,
a voice seemed to whisper in her ear.

“Yes,” Kerry agreed. “But it’s also necessary. I’m not sorry to be here.”

Jana took a seat in front of the fire. Kerry did likewise, admiring the holiday decorations.

Jana couldn’t help but follow Kerry’s focus as she commented on the gourds and small pumpkins along the mantel. “Taffy always goes all out. She loves festivities and celebrations.”

“She seems very nice.”

Jana fell silent. For all of her planning, she wasn’t really sure what she wanted to ask or say. Before praying it through, Jana’s desire had been to hurtle accusations and caustic remarks . . . to hurt Kerry and crush her spirit, leaving her as empty as Jana had felt. But not now. Now Jana wanted to be made whole, and she knew that wasn’t going to come by tearing someone else apart. “Look, I’m not sure what we should talk about. I’m not sure what would be beneficial and what would be harmful.”

“I know. I just want to tell you whatever you want to know,” Kerry said. “I know the truth is important.”

Jana frowned. “Why did he do this to me? Why did he stop loving me?” As she asked the questions of her husband’s mistress, Jana felt overwhelmed with emotions. Anger resurfaced, as did the pain.

“Jana, if you’re thinking this happened because you did something wrong, then stop. Rob and I are to blame—not you.”

“I know, but I guess I keep trying to find that place where I failed Rob so much that he was driven into your arms.”

“But that’s not how it was,” Kerry said, edging up on her seat. “I tried to tell you before that it developed because neither of us had any accountability. We were left alone to deal with my problems, and that turned into
our
problem. If there had been someone else there at the church or if Rob would have sent me to someone else for counsel, it never would have happened. Still, I’m not trying to pin this on someone else. We’re to blame for not heeding the warning signs. You didn’t do anything wrong, Jana.”

Jana wanted to believe that—needed to believe it. “Were you happy together?” She wasn’t sure why she asked the question. She knew that if Kerry said they were, she’d be devastated.

“We were like survivors of a shipwreck,” Kerry said, staring into the fire. “We weren’t happy, we were just trying to get by. I was miserable from the start, trying to live with my guilt. I even told Rob we needed to call it off and go home to beg forgiveness.”

“And what did he say?”

“That it was too late. That he’d already quit the church, served you with divorce papers, sold your jewelry. He felt there was no way you would take him back.”

“I don’t know that I would have taken him back.”

“It would have been hard, I know. But I knew it was the only way to make things right. The last day we were together, I got up and made breakfast and told Rob that I was going home.”

Jana studied Kerry for a moment. The woman seemed sincere enough, and she supposed there was no reason to lie about the matter. “What did he say?”

“He said he had no home except the one we’d made there in Seattle. He told me to reconsider. I asked him if he still loved you, and he countered by asking whether or not I still loved Jason. He knew I didn’t.” She toyed with the fabric on the arm of the chair. “He never answered me about you.”

“He couldn’t have loved me,” Jana said without the pain she expected. “Not with the things he did to me, the way he treated me. I think I’m beginning to realize that Rob loved only one person and that was himself. I fit into the picture as long as I helped Rob to feel that love. But do you know what I think happened?” The realization was just dawning on Jana.

Kerry shook her head.

“I think Rob realized I was growing stronger in the Lord. I think that intimidated him because he knew he was just faking it.”

“You’re probably right. I mean, he certainly wanted no part of God in Seattle.”

Jana knew it was the missing piece. She had begun to make her relationship with God her own, and Rob could see it was only a matter of time before she realized what a liar he was. The problem, however, was that Jana hadn’t come far enough in her spiritual walk to realize there was a definite separation between God and Rob. When Rob left, Jana was convinced in her soul that God had left too.

“What happened with Jason . . . when he came that day?” Jana finally asked.

Kerry drew a deep breath. “He had somehow found out where we were living. He was good at things like that, but I never figured he’d come looking for me. I had just come home from work and was about to open the door to our place when Jason came out of nowhere. He said he needed to talk to both of us. He seemed calm enough, and I thought fine, this is as good a time as any to seek forgiveness and go home.”

“So what happened to throw things out of control?”

“I don’t think Jason ever meant to stay in control. It’s his nature to think things out and carry through with a methodical plan. His was no crime of passion, but rather a well-thought-out resolution. I think he’d come there with the sole purpose of killing all of us.”

“All of you?” Jana could hardly believe it. “Why would he kill you? He loved you—that much I know. His every word was about you.”

Kerry began to cry. “I know. I didn’t deserve him or his love. I knew he loved me, but he didn’t show his love in the way I thought it should be. He wasn’t exciting or fun—he was just reliable, logical old Jason. Everything he did was thought out and meticulous. Even coming to Seattle to settle old scores.”

“So he came to the house and then what?” Jana asked when the silence grew long.

“Rob was there with a guy named Don. We’d met him at a local restaurant. The guy was trying to get Rob a job in construction. Anyway, Rob was upset to see Jason—told him to get out or he’d call the cops. Jason didn’t take kindly to Rob’s anger. He pulled a gun out of his jacket pocket—one of his handguns. He told Rob to sit down and shut up, and that’s exactly what Rob did.”

“What about Don and you?” Jana forced herself to ask.

“Jason didn’t seem to even see us. He started in on how Rob was the worst kind of man—leaving a woman who was expecting his child.” Kerry looked at Jana. “I thought he was lying. I thought he was just saying that to hurt us or that you had lied to him in the hopes that it would get back to Rob. Anyway, I went to Jason and tried to convince him to leave. He wouldn’t hear anything I said, and when I looked into his eyes, I could see the life had gone out of him. He was a complete stranger to me. That’s when I got scared.”