Read What to Expect the First Year Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
“We'd love a night out alone, but we're afraid of leaving our baby with a sitter when she's so young.”
Go to town ⦠and soon. Assuming you're going to want to spend some time alone together (or just alone) during the years to come, getting your baby used to being cared for by someone besides you will be an important part of her development. And chances are the earlier she starts making the adjustment, the easier. Infants 2 and 3 months old definitely recognize their parents, but out of sight usually means out of mind. And as long as their needs are being met, young babies are generally happy with any attentive person. By the time babies reach 9 months (much sooner in some babies), many begin experiencing what is called separation or stranger anxietyânot only are they unhappy being separated from mom or dad, they're also very wary of new people. So now's the perfect time to bring a babysitter into baby's lifeâand a little adults-only fun into yours.
At first you'll probably want to take only short outings, especially if you're nursing and have to squeeze your dinner in between baby's meals. What shouldn't be short, however, is the time you spend choosing and preparing the sitter, to ensure your baby will be well cared for. The first night, have the sitter come at least half an hour early. That way sitter and baby can meet, and you can do any baby briefing (how your little one likes to be rocked, what calms her down when she's fussy) that makes you feel more comfortable. (
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for tips on choosing childcare.)
Just not ready to go to town without baby? Some parents are just as happy taking their little ones along on date night, and if you've got a go-with-the-flow kind of baby, that's fine, too. See the next question.
“We take our baby with us everywhereâand we actually like it that way. But some comments we've gotten make us wonder if we're going to make her too dependent on us.”
When you're a newborn, there's no such thing as being too dependent, especially when it comes to the two people in the world you're most dependent on: your mommy and your daddy. And that's the way it's supposed to beâbeing within cuddling distance of a loving parent makes a baby feel loved.
If you're more comfortable taking baby along for the ride wherever you go, go aheadâand as for the comments, remember the rule you probably relied on a lot when it came to unsolicited pregnancy advice: in one ear, out the other (smile and nod optional). Just also keep in mind that babiesâeven the sweet, adorable baby you can't get enough ofâaren't always welcome in every environment or at any occasion (four-star restaurants, movie theaters, wedding receptions that specify “no children”). For that reason and others, it might be smart to get your baby adjusted to being left with a babysitter occasionallyâespecially before stranger anxiety rears its unfriendly head in the second half of the first year.
“We always have the babysitter come after our baby's asleep for the nightâit seems easier to sneak out. But now we're rethinking that decisionâespecially because we sometimes want to go out earlier.”
Since they're basically born yesterday (or a couple of months before yesterday), newborns are pretty easy to sneak out on. Leave your baby when he's sleeping, and not only is he not likely to noticeâbut even if he does notice when he wakes up, a cuddle or a bottle or both will likely placate him quickly (“What was I upset about again?”). But fast-forward not too far ahead, and you'll find a very different scenario unfolding. Your baby may still be easy to sneak out on, but he won't be so easy to placate should he wake up to find a stranger in your place. He also may start to feel less secure about your
comings and goings. As his memory power increases, he may worry about you disappearing at any moment (cue clinging). And he'll certainly become mistrustful of anyone who tries to stand in for you, whether during the day or at night.
So reconsidering your strategy nowâand occasionally getting your evening started earlier, so you can leave your still-awake baby with your carefully chosen sitterâis definitely a smart move.
If you're like most dads these days, you're able to change a diaper with your eyes closed (and often do when you're on diaper duty at 2 a.m.). And you're a pro at producing a burp (baby's, not yours). And you can rock your whimpering baby with one arm while simultaneously checking last night's scores or today's market prices on your smartphone with the other. Not only do you have this parenting thing down pat, butâit turns outâyou can't get enough of it. So much so, that you're wondering whether you could make this new job called fatherhood a full-time oneâespecially if there are circumstances that have you questioning whether a return to the workforce makes financial or practical sense.
Maybe your partner brings home the bigger paycheck or has the more stable job. Maybe maintaining a two-salary household doesn't stack up to the cost of childcareâor you're more comfortable keeping childcare in the family. Or maybe you just can't imagine sitting at a desk all day when your heart's at home with your baby.
Stay-at-home dads, known in social media circles by the somewhat unfortunate acronym SAHD (there's nothing sad about a stay-at-home dad), are a growing trendâaround 2 million dads are primary caregivers for their kids these days, either full-time or part-time. And as the sight of a dad snuggling his cutie in a baby carrier while pushing a shopping cart filled with groceries has become more commonplace, societyâand even the mediaâhas become more accepting of this new reality, even embracing it. Still, this switch in traditional roles is not without its challenges, and you're sure to face a few bumps along the stay-at-home parenting roadâsome similar to those felt by moms, but others unique to you and fellow SAHDs.
Here are some strategies to navigate those challenges so you can get the most out of your stint as stay-at-home dad:
Find other SAHDs.
Stay-at-home parentsâboth moms and dadsâoften feel isolated. After all, the transition from interacting with adults all day (in full sentences) to interacting with a newborn whose communication skills are limited to breathy coos or high-pitched wails can be difficultâyou may have someone to talk to, but no one to talk with. That sense of isolation may extend to playgrounds and playgroups, which tend to be mom-heavy (or even mom-exclusive), leaving SAHDs who'd like to become involved feeling out of the loop. Instead of staying on the outside looking in to stay-at-home social circles, try being more proactive in reaching out and connecting. Look for SAHD groups in your area (or create one yourself). Turn to online dad groups for advice, support, and a place to vent with guys who have also traded in their briefcase for a diaper bag. Don't write off the mamas, though. Mingling with SAHMsâwho are dealing with many of the same parenting challenges as you areâcan also be part of your support system.
Trust yourself.
If you're taking over for mom after her maternity leave has elapsed, you may find yourself wondering what she would do in a certain situation, how she would handle this feeding issue or that crying jag. Sure, it makes sense to tap into any baby lessons she has already learned, and to
segue into full-time daddy care with a minimum of major changes in schedule and parenting protocol (babies typically aren't fans of change). But it's just as important that you carve out your own care-giving identity, rather than just trying to morph into hers. Mom may have that special touch when it comes to massage, but your colic hold is all yoursâand so epically effective, you may need to think about a patent. Just remember, parenting doesn't always come naturally to moms or dads. Learning the ropes of baby care takes time, and how much time it takes is completely unrelated to a parent's gender. It's a job that's best learned on the job. Listen to that little voice inside (instinctsâyou have them, too!), and you'll discover everything you need to know, and gain the confidence you need to trust yourself.
Make sure you and mom are on the same page.
Setting clear expectations up front will reduce conflict and the potential for resentment (as when one parent feels he or she is carrying the heavier load). So talk about it. Together decide which chores fall to which parentâeven charting them at first to make sure responsibilities are accounted for equitably. Is one parent doing the grocery shopping, the other doing the cooking? Is baby laundry all you, picking up the dry cleaning all her? Is breakfast duty a joint effort, bath time a job for two, too? Who does nights, and who does what on weekends? Be specific, but also be prepared to be flexible as baby's needs change, or when schedules shift or roles evolve. Open communication and compromise are both key to a successful parenting partnership, but especially when roles are being defined (or redefined). Speak up, too, if you find mom tends to micromanage too much, even as she leaves you home with the ultimate (if cutest) responsibility. Remind her gently but as needed that her input is welcome, but that she'll need to hover less and trust you more, allowing you to make your own decisions and (like any parent) make your own mistakes. But don't get so carried away running with the responsibility that you start feeling like you run the parenting show entirely. This is a partnership, after all.
Find time for yourself.
Everyone needs some “me” time occasionally to prevent burnout, and SAHDs are no exception. Look for ways to give yourself a break while still caring for your little one, such as taking advantage of the gym's free babysitting services so you can stay in shape while staying on dad duty, taking up a hobby that you can do with baby in tow, or volunteering with baby.
Look to the future.
Your job as dad may be a full-time one now, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't consider what the future might look like. Continue to network with colleagues and stay up-to-date as things change in your area of expertise. Now (while baby's still taking naps) might also be a good time to take an online course or two to expand your future career horizons, or just keep your skills strong.
Own it.
Even with the number of SAHDs on the rise, you'll still get plenty of curious looks at the playground, and clueless comments (“Cool dude, you're off every day!”). But don't let outdated, unenlightened social views (reinforced by ridiculous media images of hopelessly hapless dads) get you down. No matter what brought you to your status as stay-at-home dad (financial or otherwise), you've made a decision that works for you and your familyâand you should be proud to call yourself a SAHD.
Some parents assume that shaking a baby is safer than hitting as a way to let off steam when they're frustrated or angry (at the nonstop crying, for instance) or as a way to discipline their little one (such as when baby won't sleep or stop crying). But that's an extremely dangerous assumption to make. First of all, babies are too young to be disciplined effectively. Second of all, physical discipline of any kind (including spanking) is never appropriate (
click here
and
What to Expect the Second Year
for appropriate and effective ways of disciplining a toddler). But, most important of all, shaking, jostling, or vigorously bouncing a baby (whether in anger or fun) can cause serious injury or death. Never, ever shake a baby.
Does the thought of leaving your precious, sweet, and oh-so-new bundle in someone else's care have you second-guessing whether you should ever leave your baby at all? Of course it doesâespecially the first time. After all, it's probably taken youâthe people who love that little one more than anyone else in the worldâweeks (maybe months) to figure out how your baby works: what cries mean what, what calming techniques work and which don't, what sounds soothe and what sounds stress, the best way to pat out a burp. How can you expect someone else to pick up your baby's signals as sensitively and intuitively as you do? Be as caring, as concerned, as attentive, as responsive, as reliable as you? As focused on (okay, make that a tad obsessed with) your newborn? As capable of providing the stimulation that will make your baby's brainpower and muscle skills grow? Able to concede that mom and dad know best when it comes to baby-care philosophies (even if those philosophies are in direct contradiction with those practiced by the caregiver on her own babies or other people's babies) or at least, to accept that you're the last word on sleep, feeding, discipline ⦠all of the above and more?
Separating from your little oneâwhether for a 9-to-5 job or a Saturday-night dinner and a movieâwill never be easy, especially the first few times you head out the door and leave your baby behind. But knowing that you've left your precious, sweet, and oh-so-new bundle in the best possible hands will help ease your mind, your stress ⦠and, yes, maybe even some of the inevitable guilt.
Nobody can take your place with your baby, not ever ⦠not even close. Mommy or daddy care is the best care there is. But most experts agree that the next best thing to having a parent at home caring for a child is having a parent substitute (a nanny, babysitter, au pair) at home providing that care.
The advantages of in-home care are many. Baby stays in familiar surroundings (complete with the comforting consistency of his or her own crib, high chair, and toys), isn't exposed to lots of other baby germs, and doesn't have to do any commuting. Instead of competing for attention with a roomful of other little ones, baby has one-on-one careâand a good chance of building a strong relationship with a single care provider.
There are some potential drawbacks, though. Topping the list: cost. At-home care is usually the most expensive kind of childcareâespecially if you choose a professionally trained nanny, possibly less so for an au pair, a college student, or someone with minimal experience. If the care provider is sick, unable to come to work for other reasons (for instance, a sick child of her own), or suddenly quits, there's no automatic backup system. A wonderfully strong attachment between the babysitter and an older baby may prove not so wonderful if the sitter leaves suddenly, or if mom or dad develops more than a mild case of envy. And, finally, some parents find that having someone else in their home all day cramps their style and intrudes on their privacyâespecially if that someone is living in.