Read What to Expect the First Year Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
For some, there is no debateâor even room for discussion. Those who advocate against bed sharing point to a variety of reasons, chief among them safety (a parent's bed can be a plushy land mine of pillows, pillow tops, featherbeds, headboards, and other suffocation and entrapment risks). They also point to problems with sleep habits (babies who get used to sleeping between mom and dad may have trouble sleeping on their own later on), less sound sleep (for parents when there's a baby in the bed, for babies when their parents are too quick to comfort during normally restless baby sleep), and possibly less intimacy for adults in the bed (adults-only snuggles and more can be elusive for a couple whose baby has literally come between them).
Co-sleeping advocates feel just as strongly about a family bedâconsidered a key component of attachment parenting. They believe it cultivates emotional bonds, boosts a little one's sense of security, and makes it easier to breastfeed and otherwise offer comfort. They also maintain that co-sleep is safer sleep (though the AAP and other safety experts point to research that shows the opposite).
While there's no shortage of theories and certainly no shortage of opinions on the issue, the decision of whether to have your baby join you in bed or sleep solo in her bassinet or cribâlike so many decisions you'll make in your tenure as parentsâis a very personal one. And it's a choice best made when you're wide awake (read: not at 2 a.m.) and with your eyes wide open to the following considerations:
It's likely your little one started his or her sleeping life in a bassinet since it's the perfect size for a tiny body used to a tight space. And since bassinets are less bulky than cribs, they're easier to fit in your bedroomâthe safest place for a newborn to sleep, according to the AAP. But when will your baby outgrow his or her snug sleeping quarters?
There's no hard-and-fast rule about the bassinet-to-crib transition, and in fact, as long as your baby is sleeping well in the bassinet, there's no reason to make a switch. Unless he or she has outgrown the bassinet, that is. Check the weight limitations on the bassinet. Some are as low as 10 pounds, though most can accommodate a 20-pound infant. Don't have the manual handy because the bassinet was a hand-me-down? Err on the side of caution and move your baby to a crib when he or she is 15 pounds. Got a lightweight on your hands? Weight considerations aside, most babies tend to outgrow the bassinet by the time they are 3 to 4 months old ⦠or about the time they are able to move around a lot. By then, the bassinet's confines are usually too confining for your little mover and shaker. Not to mention that all that moving and shaking (flipping over, for instance, or getting up on hands and knees) could make the bassinet less safe for your active cutie. The fact that bassinets are shallow makes them even more dangerous once baby is able to sit up.
Your little one may look lost the first time you plop (make that, gently place) him or her in the big crib, but at the rate your baby is growing, he or she will grow into that crib fast enough.
Baby's safety.
In this country, where sleeping accommodations are usually pretty cushy, keeping baby safe in mommy and daddy's bed takes extra precautions. The Consumer Product Safety Commission has linked the family bed to numerous infant deaths, and the AAP discourages bed sharing (while encouraging room sharing), citing a two- to threefold increase in SIDS risk in even low-risk infants who co-sleep. Proponents of co-sleeping, however, point out that there is an innate connection between a co-sleeping mother and child, possibly because of the hormone response activated when the mother is in close proximity to her child, making a mom who co-sleeps more keenly aware of her child's breathing and temperature throughout the night, and allowing her to respond quickly to any significant changes. Not surprisingly, the hormone response is also responsible for the lighter sleep that moms who co-sleep generally experience.
If you choose to co-sleep, make sure your bed and bedding meets the same safety criteria looked for in a crib. A firm mattress (not a pillow top or waterbed) is a must, as are tight-fitting sheets. Skip the feather bed, avoid plush comforters, be sure blankets don't cover baby, keep pillows out of baby's creeping or rolling reach (make sure baby is closer to your chest and abdomen, not your head), and check for entrapment dangers (headboard slats should be no farther apart than 2â
inches, and there should be no gaps between the mattress and the frame). Never put baby on a bed that's next to a wall (she could slip between bed and wall and become entrapped) or leave her in a position where she could roll off the bed (this can happen long before a baby actually learns to roll over) or allow her to sleep with a parent who has been drinking or smoking, is under the influence of drugs, is taking medication that induces deep sleep, or is just a very deep sleeper. Never let a toddler or preschooler sleep directly next to your baby. And never smoke, or allow anyone else to smoke, in the family bed, since this can increase the risk of SIDS (as well as fires).
A couple's consensus.
Make sure you're both on board with the family bed before you bring baby on board your bedâand factor in both your feelings and your partner's. Key considerations: Will having baby between you in bed come between you as a couple? Will parent cuddle time be preempted by baby cuddles? And what about sex? (Yes, you can have sex in other locations than the bedâbut will you have the energy as busy new parents to get busy anywhere else?)
Sleepâyours and baby's.
For some parents, not having to get out of bed for midnight feedings or to calm a crying baby is reason enough to co-sleep. For breastfeeding moms, being able to nurse without having to be fully awake is a real plus. The flip side: Though they may never have to leave their beds at night, the sleep co-sleepers do get may be more broken up and, although emotionally satisfying, less physiologically satisfying (parents and children who co-sleep tend to sleep less deeply and sleep less overall). Also, co-sleeping babies wake more often and may have trouble learning how to fall asleep on their own, a skill they'll eventually need.
Sleep plans for the future.
In making your decision about the family bed, consider how long (ideally) you'd like the arrangement to continue. Sometimes, the longer it lasts, the tougher the transition to solo sleeping. Switching a 6-month-old over to a crib is usually a relative breeze, but moving a baby who's approaching her first birthday may be a little more tryingâand weaning a toddler or preschooler from your bed can be a tougher sell still. Some children will vacate the family bed voluntarily (or with a minimum of coaxing) at about age 3, others aren't ready to move on until they start school (or are nudged out, whichever comes first). Happy just playing the family bed by ear? As always, what works best for your family is best.
Whether or not you decide to share your bed with baby at night, you'll still enjoy bringing her in for early morning feedings or cuddling fests. As your little one gets older, you can continue to make family togetherness (if not a family bed) a favorite ritual on weekend mornings.
For many new parents, there's no choice to makeâwhether it's due to tight finances or a fast-track career path, returning to work is a given ⦠not an option. But even if you have the choice, it's not necessarily a clear oneâespecially since there's no clear-cut research showing substantial long-term benefits or risks for children whose parents work outside the home over those who have at least one parent home ⦠or vice versa. Should you stay home or should you go back to work now? You may find the answer in the following questions:
What are your priorities?
Consider carefully what's most important in your life. Clearly your baby and your family will top the list, but what about financial security? Your career path? Home ownership, vacations, and other potential perks of having a two-income family? Is there room for all of those priorities in your life right nowâor will something have to give? What can you give up most easily?
Which full-time role suits your personality best?
Are you happy as a mama or daddy clam at home all day with your baby? Does pulling the baby shift 24/7 soothe you? Or does it make you antsy? Do you miss your job, crave adult conversation, need a little more stimulation than rounds of “All Around the Mulberry Bush” can provide? Will you be able to leave worries about your baby at home when you go to your job and worries about your job at the office when you're home with your baby? Or, will an inability to compartmentalize your life keep you from doing your best at either job?
Are you comfortable with your childcare choices?
No one can take your place, of course, but can you find a person (or group situation) you'll feel comfortable with as a stand-in for you while you work? For more on choosing a care provider for your baby,
click here
.
Is there enough of youâand enough of your energyâto go around?
You'll need plenty of emotional and physical stamina to rise with a baby, get yourself ready for work, put in a full day on the job, then return to the demands of your baby and home once again (though you'd also need plenty of energy to be a stay-at-home parent). On the other hand, many new parentsâparticularly those who really love their workâfind time at the office rejuvenating, a respite that allows them to reenter each night refreshed and ready to tackle the very different challenges of baby care. Just don't forget to factor your relationship with your partner into the equation (does baby plus job equal little couple timeâor can you schedule in all three?).
How stressful are your job and your baby?
If your job is low stress and your baby's a piece of cake to care for, the duo may be relatively easy to handle. If your job is high pressure and your baby is, too, will keeping your lid on be an optionâor are you the type to boil over?
Will you get enough help?
Will your partner be doing half the share of baby care, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and laundry? Are you able to afford outside help to take up the slack or to reduce the load for both of you? Or are you confident that you can balance the demands of work with the demands of home (say, by not being so demanding of yourself)?
What is your financial situation?
How will workingâor not workingâaffect your family's finances? Are there ways of cutting back so that the loss of your income won't hurt so much? If you go back to work, how much of a dent will job-related costs (clothes, commuting, childcare) make in your income? Will you lose needed and essential benefits if you don't work?
How flexible is your job?
Will you be able to take time off if your baby or your babysitter is sick? Or come in late or leave early if there's an emergency at home? Does your job require long hours, weekends, and/or travelâand how will you feel spending extended time away from the baby?
How will not returning to your job affect your career?
Might putting your career on hold indefinitely set you back when you return to the working worldâand if so, are you willing to take the risk? Are there ways to keep yourself in touch professionally during your at-home years without making a full-time commitment? Will one of you be less affected than the other professionally by a stint at home?
Is there a compromise position?
Full-time working doesn't work for youâbut neither does full-time staying at home? Maybe there's a creative compromise you can tap into. Depending on your workplace, your experience, and your skills, the possibilities might include a sabbatical from your current job, working part-time, job sharing, freelancing, project-based or consulting jobs, telecommuting, a compressed workweek, or a compressed workday. Another possibility: Two part-time parents can cover full-time childcare.
And speaking of compromise, there's likely to be some in any choice you makeâand realistically, some second thoughts, too ⦠and even a few regrets. After all, no matter how committed you might be to staying home, you're bound to feel a twinge or two when talking to friends still pursuing their careers. Or, as committed as you are to returning to workâyou're sure to have a tug at your heart passing parents and their babies on the way to the park while you're on your way to the office. Mom and dad misgivings are normalâand so common, few parents escape them entirely. Check in with friends and social media buddies trying to balance their lives in your conflicted work shoes (or unsure at-home sneakers) and you'll see.
That said, if misgivings keep multiplying and second-guessing leads to serious doubts about whether you've made the right decision, consider reconsidering. No decision is finalâand no decision that's right for you is wrong (or the other way around).
“I'm going back to work full-time at the end of the month, and I'm thinking about weaning my baby before I do. Will it be hard on her?”
A 3-month-old is, in general, a pretty agreeable and adaptable sort. Even with a budding personality all her own, she's still far from the opinionated older baby she'll eventually evolve into. And not only is she less likely to play favorites, she's not developmentally ready to play the memory cardâwhat's here today can be gone tomorrow, without her missing it much ⦠even if it's her mama's beloved breasts. As much as she loves breastfeeding (and what's not to love?), she probably won't cling to it as much as she would a year or so from now.
In other words, weaning now will probably be a relative piece of cake. Before you decide to opt out of breastfeeding entirely, though, consider that it may be easier than you think to continue once you've returned to workâat least for a few months, and even for the entire first year, which is considered ideal. Another option: doing the combo. Read all about making breastfeeding and working work, starting
here
.