What You Do To Me (Unexpected Love) (46 page)

             
I was lost in thought and didn’t hear the shower door open, but I jumped when I felt Alex’s
arms
wrap around me.
I jumped and tried to pull away. “
Please,
just let me hold you for a second, don’t pull away.” Alex’s voice was soft and his
arms
felt so comforting around me. I sank back into him
. He kissed the top of my head. I spun turning to face him. Alex kept his
arms
around
me, I laid my head on his chest,
and Alex rested his chin on my head. He started to rock with me in his arms; it felt so soothing that I didn’t want the feeling to end.

             
I finally looked up at Alex and asked him what time it was. I was shocked when he responded and I realized I had been in the shower lost in my thoughts for over an hour.
Stepping
away,
I reached for my shampoo and decided to wrap up the shower so the fate of this relationship could be decided. We needed to talk about tonight, but I wasn’t sure how to bring it
up.
Actually,
I was
afraid
to bring it up.

             
Alex grabbed the shampoo before I could and squeezed it into his hand. Without saying
anything,
he turned me so
that
my back was to his front. His hands were in my hair massaging my scalp and lathering up my hair. He spoke softly. “I’m sorry, it shouldn’t have happened, please forgive me.” My eyes shot open and I
started
to turn to face him, but he wouldn’t let me. He continued
washing
my hair.

             
“You have nothing to be sorry about.
I’m
sorry, I’m sorry you had to defend me.”

             
This
time,
Alex spun me around and had me face him.
“Close your eyes.” He leaned my head back and started to wash the shampoo out. His hands ran down my
hair,
combing it out with his
fingers
. When he was
done,
he started to speak again. “I’m trying to stay calm. I’m still so pissed off right now.” I looked
down,
knowing he was pissed at me and his apology a minute ago was his opening for the reality of
him ending everything with me. I could feel my heart breaking and I was glad that the wetness of the shower w
ould hide the tears that were starting to overflow my
eyelids
.
I couldn’t speak and I knew I couldn’t look at him, so I turned
away,
thinking it best to
get out of
the shower. When I felt his hand on my
arm,
I still couldn’t look at him. “Abby, I wanted to kill him, I still do.” My eyes shot up to meet his. I could see the pain in his eyes and I felt responsible for it being there. If I
hadn’t tried
to make a point by wearing what I wore or if I just stayed home,
none of it would
have happened. “Whatever you are
thinking,
it isn’t your
fault.
Johnny and I had trouble before the start of this tour.”

             
“I feel like it
was
my fault. You never would have punched him or fought
with him
if it wasn’t for me.”

             
“No, I would have eventually punched him; it was jus
t a matter of time.” Alex paused
for a
second.
“He’s using again. He promised Steve and
me
that he would clean up before the tour and I thought maybe he would, but I noticed
the behavior changes
after Chicago
.” Alex wrapped
me in a hug again. “When you walked
in,
Steve and I were talking about Johnny and his using. Steve wanted to finish the next few days o
f the tour and I
wanted
to cancel
it.
We
aren’t the same group
anymore.
It
just isn’t the same as it
used
to be.”

             
“It isn’t the same as it
used
to be or you an
d the guys aren’t the same as you
used
to be?”
             

Alex
kissed
the top of my head. “We aren’t the same anymore. We all want different things in life and this tour brought a lot of that out. Johnny is still how he was when we started eighteen years ago. The drinking, the girls and the drugs, something I want nothing to do with anymore. Steve and I are done with the touring. He
realized that he is
missing so much of his
kids’ liv
e
s and he wants a chance to be
a part
of their memories before they grow up and resent him
.
”

             
I wanted to ask Alex what he wanted, but I was scared, scared to hear his response and scared his answer wouldn’t have anything to do with me.
Instead,
I suggested we get out of the shower. Alex agreed and he turned the knobs off. We climbed out and he wrapped me in a towel. As he dried himself
off,
I wrapped another towel
around
my
hair, and
then
went
to the bedroom where my bag was with all my stuff. I quickly dried off and threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.  Alex entered the room with a towel around his waist. I immediately inhaled a
deep breath,
seeing how beautiful he looked, but
I
turned
away,
because I couldn’t allow things to get physical with so much
left
to be
discuss
ed
.

             
“I’ll be right back; I need to dry my hair a bit.” I grabbed my
hairbrush
and walked back towards the bathroom.

             
As I was
walking
past
Alex,
he snagged me by the waist. “
Are you sure you’r
e
okay
?” I couldn’t respond,
so I just
n
odded my head yes. I walked into the
bathroom,
taking my hair out of the towel and turning on the
blow dryer
. I didn’t fully blow dry my hair, but I couldn’t bring myself to
leave
the bathroom right away either. I had so much I wanted to say, but
I
didn’t know if I could say any of it to Alex.

             
When I finally managed to
go back into the bedroom
,
I found Alex sitting on the bed with his elbows on his knees and his head down. He looked so sad and I wanted to make it better, but
I
didn’t know how. I walked up to him and Alex immediately sat
up,
wrapping him hands around my waist and placing his head against my stomach. One of my hands immediately went into his
hair,
while the other rested on his back. I came out with the intention of talking, but standing
there
like
that
, I
wanted
to stop time. I
didn’t
want to move so I
could
stay in
the
moment forever.

             
Alex was the first to break from the embrace. He
stood,
scooping me up and placi
ng me on the
bed, so I was lying
next to him.
He rested his head on his
hand,
which was propped by his elbow.
Alex brought his other hand up to
brush my
hair away from my face. I knew I needed to say something and was hoping I could get it all out. “Alex, I get
that
you are pissed and I’m so sorry tonight happened the way it did, but you can’t cut Johnny out of your life. He
is
clearly hurting.” I
paused
a second to see if Alex wa
s going to stop
me or interrupt, but he remained
quiet with his eyes fixed
on
mine.  “The fact that you and Steve have grown up or changed and he has remained the same probably
scares him. This life you have or
he has is all he’s known for half his life and it’s getting t
aken away without a real say.” Alex opened
his mouth to say something, “Just a second,” I
held
up my
finger,
because I
needed
to finish. I
adjusted
so now
I was
sitting up on my elbows. “He has no
say,
because you two have moved on and he is left to try
to
form a life outside of the band. He’s not
used
to that. I’m sure in the past when you were not
touring,
you were working on new material or recording; you have always been a group. Now, with Steve wanting to be with his family and you wanting to take a break, the unknown probably scares him.”
I flop
ped
back down so he
knew I was finished
.

             
“You’re probably right, but the way
he’s
going about it isn’t
exactly smart.”

             
I
turned
my body to face
him,
propped
myself up on my elbow and
rested
my head in my hand like
he was doing
. “
Well,
you did say he was using again,
so
he probably isn’t thinking clearly, but thinking he’s already losing
you,
probably made him lash out at you by grabbing me tonight. He probably thi
nks I’m the reason you want to stop touring.”

             
Alex’s hand reaches over and his thumb glides against my cheek, “You are the reason, you and the girls. Abby, I hate being on the road and that one day I spent with you and the girls was the happiest I’ve been in a long
time,
if no
t the happiest I’ve
ever
been. You have no clue how empty I felt after I
returned
to the
tour.
I don’t want this life
anymore;
I want to try a life with
you and the girls.” I
could
feel
the tears in my eyes.

“What if you try and find out it isn’t the life you want, that this life you have now is the life you want. I don’t know if I could take it or if I can let the girls get attache
d and
then
you leave. I’m scared.” I
couldn’t
believe I said it aloud, but I
felt
re
lieved
that
it was finally said.

             
“Abby, you and the girls are what I want.
I want to be the person you come home to, the one who helps them with homework, takes them trick or treating and sits up with them when they can’t sleep. I’m already in love with them.” He reached over and wiped the tears coming down my face. “I’ve been in love with their mother since the first night I met her and talked her into coming back into my hotel room. I can’t let you go.” I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

             
I reached
up, grabbed him,
and kissed him. “I love you too, but I was scared to say it. I was so scared I was the only one feeling that way.”

             
Alex kissed away the tears and held me. We
didn’t make love that night, but he held me and I held him, we talked and laughed. I could feel the intimacy between us and felt that whatever
might
happen, that we would be able to figure out the future as we went.

             
The next
morning,
we called Sam to have breakfast with us. Steve ended up coming in to talk to Alex about Johnny. They decided to cancel the last two shows and to try to get Johnny to agree to rehab.

             
“You need to do this,
because
he is your family. If it takes months to convince
him,
then take the time, but you need to be there for him. Whenever you get it
settled,
I’ll still be here.” I felt Alex needed to be
there.
Pushing
Johnny
aside,
as much as I disliked
him,
was something that Alex
might
regret later and resent me
for.
Besides,
family is family and you have to be there for one another.