When Gods Fail (4 page)

"Come on out boy. You're just makin' it
harder on yourself."

"Yeah, it can be quick or we can eat you
piece by piece, hippie," Big Lee added.

I faced a boulder twice my height. I looked
for a hold, placed the rocks in my pocket and down the front of my
pants, and started climbing. Soon I was on top.

I looked down. Night had fallen and, without
the moon or the stars, there was hardly a shape to be seen. I
pulled the large rock out of my pants and laid it gently on the
boulder. Silence drenched my senses. I stayed still and listened.
My heart beat, the only sound in the night. The smell of my dried
blood and sweat seemed overpowering. The temperature was
dropping.

Crunch,
c r u n c h
. Separate footsteps. So
it would be easier. I would take the first person that came by
me.

Crunch
. Ten yards away to my left. Another
crunch
and I knew it was moving
away.

Crunch. Right below me.

I picked up the large stone and tried to
make out a figure, but in the shadow of the boulders it was
impossible. Just use the sound. Crunch. I hurtled the rock down
with all my might. Then jumped.

A satisfying crunch that sickened me sounded
off. I landed on a heap of flesh. My legs buckled and air was
pushed from my chest as I fell to my side. I crawled over towards
the body, as it twitched. It was Johnny. His head caved in. I
reached for his shotgun. Pain streaked through my body. I couldn't
take much more abuse.

"Johnny?" Big Lee's voice was very close.
The pain disappeared.

I tried to make out the safety on the
shotgun. Footsteps, in a hurry. Getting closer.

The gun seemed foreign to me. Footsteps
closer. My heart was in my throat. I found the trigger and pointed
towards the footsteps. When a black shape formed, I pulled the
trigger, but it wouldn't budge. Closer. Three yards. I put two
fingers on the trigger, the butt on my chest. Two yards away. Big
shadow.

"Johnny?" Big Lee said.

I pulled with all my might.

The sound and the recoil knocked me on my
back. I forced myself up, cocked the shotgun and fired into the
lump in front of me. Then again. I couldn't hear anything but the
ringing in my ears. I stood over Big Lee, placed my barrel on his
neck.

He was breathing fast, loud. I couldn't see
his face.

"Please," Big Lee said. More wet breathing.
Like a hamster in my hands. I was God. A rush of blood to my
loins.

"Don't," he said.

"Don't take it personal." I pulled the
trigger. A splash of blood hit my face. I turned back to where
Johnny was. His body was still. I pointed my barrel at him. Then I
remembered I would have to save bullets. I picked up the rock
lodged in his head and raised it above my head. Don't take it
personal. I slammed the rock into what remained of his face.

Pain returned to all my limbs. I checked the
men's pulses. Nothing. I took their weapons, bandoliers, Big Lee's
backpack, and a set of keys. Switched clothes with Johnny. They fit
perfectly. Then with my new gear, I climbed back up the
boulder.

I woke up the next day wondering if my agony
would stop. The sharp hurt of yesterday had turned into dull knocks
that screeched every time I moved. I leaned over to see the two
bodies where I had left them. Insects were eating the corpses.

Insects.

From where? I hadn't seen
any until now. Could be that they lived deep in the ground.
They
were
always
supposed to survive a nuclear holocaust. It was good to know the
scientists were right about something. Insects could be
food.

I checked myself for insects. There were a
few. I held my breath and swallowed a few after smashing them. Some
taste lingered in my tongue, an odd chemical taste that made me
gag.

I climbed down. Looked at the two bodies.
With my finger I let some ants crawl up then swallowed them too. I
looked at Big Lee, the lower half of his head gone.
"Please...Don't." A man had begged for mercy and I'd shown him
none. What else could I have done? Why did I expect mercy when I
was on the other side of the barrel, and yet when I held it I gave
nothing? My knees went weak. I tried not to look at Johnny's face.
What had I done? The stench from the two was overpowering. I walked
away. I had to get back up. In case Paul and Bill returned to the
cave.

I slowly trudged up until I was at the mouth
of the cave. I would have to find food. At least I knew there were
insects around. The fact that the two corpses didn't attract any
large animals was comforting. I looked around, at the shape of the
mountains, at the landscape, so that I would know where I was if I
was to return.

Big Lee and Johnny had left a nice set of
footprints to follow. I kept my eyes and ears pricked and followed
the path. After an hour the footprints disappeared into rocks. I
walked in the same direction but found nothing.

What would
I
do in a cutthroat
post-nuclear world where leaving tracks could mean my end? I
backtracked and walked at a sharp angle from where the footprints
had disappeared. After a few minutes I found tracks again and was
surprised to see a makeshift shack in between some boulders near
the peak of a hill, only a few hundred yards away.

I retraced my steps once again and
approached the abode from high ground. I lay down and listened. Ten
minutes passed and not a sound. With my shotgun raised, I walked
towards the entrance. I opened the lock with a set of keys, pushed
the door ajar.

A plethora of military rations stacked
against the wall met my eyes. Blood rushed to my cheeks, and I
smiled. Enough for one man to eat forever. I looked around. Nothing
else. No hidden rooms. Just rocks and piles of odd containers. I
started to eat.

The food tasted amazing. A mix of spices and
aromas overwhelmed my senses as I wondered how I was going to
control myself from eating everything in sight. I would wait a day
to gain my strength before heading out to Portland. There I would
be able to see if my wife had survived.

A feeling of emptiness came over me. Perhaps
I knew that there would be nothing to find in Portland. That
moment, the rush, jolt when I heard the rock crush Johnny's head
filled my senses. I should've been elated to know that I'd lived,
survived, and would now have food for the foreseeable future, but I
killed two men for that privilege. I smashed a man's head in, and
killed the other while he begged for mercy

Please.
Don't
.

The words rang in my head; some of his blood
was still dry on my neck and face. I peeled off a flake of blood
and threw it on the ground. I hadn't shown mercy. Why not?
Shouldn't I have been the better man? What about God? Didn't He
cause all this so that we could be better? I inhaled. I could feel
their presence here.

Why had they been so bent on coming after
me? They seemed to have enough food to survive one more person
coming here. Seemed foolish to run after me. I was not a threat.
They must have known something. I should have questioned them—Big
Lee at least. Not blown his neck and lower face out.

Portland.

Or get Bill and Paul?

They would both come back for more water.
Perhaps in a week. If they did, they would see the two bodies, or
whatever the insects left of them, and they would figure out what
happened.

Leave Bill alone, something inside me
whispered. Though I wasn't entirely certain what had happened, Bill
must've let me live. No way a redneck in a
post-nuclear-everyman-for-himself-age misses a shot from that close
with a shotgun. Even I hadn't missed, and I hated guns.

A canteen fell to the ground. I spun
around.

Nothing.

But I kept still. There was no wind. The
canteen could not have fallen on its own. If it was a rat I could
eat it. Never thought I'd think that. Then my nostrils lit up.
Sweat. Flesh. Someone was here. I glanced at the door on my
periphery to make certain it was still shut. Check. On one side of
the room stood a pile of boxes and ammunition cans that the canteen
had been sitting on. Something could be hiding down there. I
reached for my shotgun and pointed at the area. I heard something
breathe.

"Come out whoever you are." I placed my hand
on the trigger.

The breathing got louder.

"I said come out or I'll start shooting." My
nerves frayed. Adrenaline swam through my arteries. Whatever was
hiding was going to die soon. I couldn't risk them getting a shot
off.

"Don't shoot," the voice said, soft,
feminine, almost crying.

So this was what Big Lee and Johnny were so
protective about.

I kept my shotgun out, after all a woman in
this environment wouldn't necessarily be nice. "Come out, I won't
hurt you," I said.

She crawled out from what appeared to be a
space behind the ammunition cans, still in the shadows. I could
smell her more so than see her, and she smelled good. No perfume or
any of that, but I could smell her sweat, body odor, her sex. My
penis rose to the occasion, a libidinous and ravenous thought
crossed my mind: take her. So soft and delicate.

How could I think such a thing? All women in
such a lawless world were probably in the same situation. I
wouldn't be another male to be scared of. I would be a male to look
up to, to be in awe of for his self-discipline. That's what it was,
I reminded myself, self discipline. If Carol were ever in this
situation I would hope she came across another strong man who would
treat her properly. The way a woman should be treated. I reached
out my hand.

"Who are you?" she said, slinking towards
me.

She was short, and her hands, small, white,
were empty. She wore a dress covered with dirt and grime. Her hair,
auburn, seemed like it could be lighter with a wash. Her blue eyes
struck out at me and tightened my throat. Each eye seemed to have a
halo. She had to be a teenager. None of that mattered as my eyes
naturally rested on her breasts that pushed her dress out, firm,
round, and her hips that swooped in to a small waist.

The voice,
that
new voice, growled.
Told me to take her there and then. No, I fought back. I would
start a new way, with new rules. "I'm Tom, your name?" I realized
that I was speaking softly.

"Jenny," she said. Her voice had an edge of
flintiness, flirting with my groin. A sexual marker that she never
had a chance to use properly, and yet it was enough for me.

Calm down.

"Pleased to meet you," I said and shook her
hand, soft, limp, sensuous. I wondered if she had been here as a
plaything for the two men. "What are you doing here? Are you
friends with Big Lee and Johnny?"

She seemed to light up at the sound of their
names. "No family. You friends with them?"

The spark in her eyes, the way she moved
closer to hear something about them pushed sorrow into my mind. I
shouldn't have done what I had done. Now what could I tell her?
Carol always joked that she'd found the one man in the world
incapable of lying.

"Yes, I am. They'll be back in a few days."
The lie felt so easy and natural that it surprised me. This made
life so much easier.

She smiled, beautiful white teeth, full
lips, as she came closer. Trusting me so naturally... "In a few
days?"

"Yes, they just had to travel further out.
They told me to take care of this area for them," I said and smiled
back, the ease of which scared me. I would tell her in due time,
for now it was best to treat her with kindness. I handed her a
piece of cheese and crackers and she gobbled it down. "What's your
relation to them?"

"Johnny's my pa." She swallowed her
food.

"And Big Lee?"

"He's my brother." She took more food.

A ray of light hit her face and it was then
that I saw that her eyes were much the same as Johnny's had been.
Just kinder. My stomach churned. She would find out and then
what?

"They usually don't take kindly to
strangers. Not these days at least." She looked at me, without the
slightest hint of mistrust. "Can't trust anyone. We once let a man
in here, but he tried to kill them in their sleep and steal me."
She blushed at the word, as if she couldn't imagine what it was
that made a man want to steal her.

"Yes." I'd have to think of a story and
stick with it. "I helped them find some water, good water. So we're
friends now."

She nodded her head. "So you're staying with
us?"

"For now, tomorrow I'll head out to finish
some of my own work, then I'll be back."

She smiled at my comment then hugged me.

The sudden affection took me back, and I
froze for a second before deciding that I shouldn't miss out on her
touch and held her tight, pushed against her breasts and let my
hand rest on the nadir of her hip and waist. My cock gently brushed
up against her, and when she didn't react, I pushed my hips further
towards her. It was dirty, but it felt pure. I'm sure she smiled at
me.

Tomorrow I would find out about Carol. I
would clean myself.

We spent the rest of the night talking about
our lives. She nestled herself so close to me that I was certain I
would explode. She talked about her high school and friends who
were no more, and I talked about my job, Portland, and Carol.

I made sure we slept on different sides of
the shack—I didn't trust myself. I reminded myself that this was
supposed to be the start of a better world, not a worse one.

The next day I found some topographical
maps, and marked out my journey. I packed my food, extra
ammunition, hid a couple handguns in my clothes, found a compass
and headed out.