When Gods Fail (9 page)

"Yes, we'll build things soon, but that
place could become a hiding place for our enemies," I said. Her
glare made me feel like an insect.

"How do you know there's anyone around?"

"I don't." Her questions were angering me.
"Besides maybe the fire could attract people as a signal," I said
as the thought came to me.

"But you just said they could be our
enemies," she said, feigning patience.

I fought the urge to shake
or slap her. I was
not
a monster. "Okay we won't burn it."

"You can do what you want. I was only
asking." She turned away from me.

I spent the rest of my night staring at her
back and the black emptiness that was our cave. It felt so cozy.
That feeling turned into a sense of injustice at the cards that I
had been dealt. I hadn't asked to be attacked. Self-defense had
been my only choice. I couldn't explain that to her anymore. If she
ever found out that she was with the man who killed her family, she
would certainly end me then and there.

Jenny agreed to come with me. She scared me
when she pulled out a rifle and filled it with ammunition with a
learned smoothness. She was better with guns than I was. The
thought frightened me—she could kill me any time she chose, as my
guard was always down around her—and also filled me with hope—she
hadn't tried to kill me yet. Why? With another handgun tucked under
her dress, she came along with me. The hills were rocky, a tortuous
up and down.

"We'll sleep here," I said and pointed to
some rocks. We'd been walking for almost an entire day. Jenny had
once again reverted to silence, and stared at the place my finger
aimed at. That all the space she touched seemed to come to life,
that I hoped to be in her good graces again, made me realize that I
loved her. The romantic in me still wanted to fall on my knees and
ask her forgiveness. The voice, the one that threw my eyes to every
shadow and place where the wind rustled, told me never to try such
a thing and show weakness. It had a point. Her silence was driving
my mind to spin. I had to leave her.

"I'm going to check out the surrounding
area," I said and walked off over a rise in land. We had come to
stop in a saddle between two satellite peaks. The ground here was
as dirty and rocky as anywhere else. I kept an eye out for plant
shoots. Waiting to see if life was slowly rearing its head, but I
couldn't see anything.

I walked up one peak, sat down and listened.
The suns rays were getting weaker, and soon darkness would crash
all around me. I looked at the overcast sky and realized that it
wasn't lighting up like it usually did. I smelled the air. Nothing.
It was depressing. I couldn't smell soil; I couldn't smell myself;
the only sound was a distant wind carving up the world like it had
done before mankind and it would do long after us; it would only
stop when the atmosphere burned up and drifted away as the sun
turned into a red dwarf.

What was I striving towards here? A life
with Jenny? So our kids could grow up in a land like this with no
hope—or the slim hope that there was another group of people out
there? Then when the possibilities were exhausted, would they
revert to incest? What a life. It would be mercy to end that right
now. And for all that, I knew a smile from Jenny would change my
mind in a heartbeat. And what if we found a group right now? Would
they accept us?

I walked back down and up to the next
satellite peak. This one was more of a dark brown color. I kicked
the rocks. It was the same as before. Nothing could grow in this
hard soil. The sky was still overcast and only lost its light as
the sun set. The lack of color only added to my sense of loss and I
walked back to Jenny.

Jenny was under the blanket when I
returned.

"You eat?" I ask.

"Not hungry."

I didn't push the matter, as it was better
to save some of our rations.

I lay down next to her. Tried to push my
body towards hers. No reaction.

"The sun didn't light up the sky.
Depressing, isn't it?" I said.

"Why?"

Sometimes her questions were like a child's.
They were getting tiresome. "You didn't like the sunset
yesterday?"

"I did."

"Then wouldn't you want to see that
again?"

"Maybe. Does it matter? The sun will do what
it wants and we're still down here."

I nodded my head without meaning it. I
leaned over her to see her face better. "What is it that keeps you
going then?"

"Nothing."

It wasn't the answer I wanted from her.
"What about the future of mankind?"

"Why should that bother me?"

I couldn't reply. Why should it?

"Do you believe in God?"

"I did."

"And now?"

She looked at me then touched my hand and
pulled herself closer to me. I could feel her breathing on my
check. It startled me. Her touch was a thousand sunsets.

We made love that night. As best as people
grinding on top of rocks could. Every caress of hers drove me
further into a hole of happiness. And I woke up with her head on my
chest and the feeling of accomplishment on my mind.

I moved out from under the blanket and into
the cold morning. The air bit at me. The sun cracked out from under
the overcast sky near the horizon. I walked in a circle, crouching,
trying to see any footprints, other than ours. We were alone. I
walked to the satellite peak and found a flat rock to sit on. I
looked down on the ground. Lifeless. What I would have given to see
a sign of insects crawling around. Did they only come out to eat
the dead? What did natural selection have to say about that? That
they would soon develop a taste for us? Eat us in our sleep? I
shivered at the thought.

Jenny.

She would save me from all this. I'd treated
her wrong that night. But that hadn't been me. It was some animal
that had allowed me to survive. The only other people out there who
had survived this far were lucky, killers, who knew better than to
trust another soul that was trying to survive like them. So what
would happen in this new world? Surely some agreement or truce
would come from it? The more I thought, the more I wondered why I
was trying to find other people. Would I want to? If all the
population centers had been hit, which in a grand mutually assured
strike they would have, then why was I trying to walk towards them?
The only places that wouldn't have been struck would be places that
were of no one's concern. Correct? The United States and all other
major players would have been wiped out, but places like the Amazon
would hold no value. Then I would have to go far away from
population centers. Travel to or through Central America.

I shook my head, spat on the ground. Watched
my saliva as it sat there, an abomination on the otherwise pristine
earth.

Central America? That was my hope. With the
sleds we had enough food to get down there. If it was untouched by
nukes it would be filled with people. Perhaps people like Bill,
Paul, Big Lee, and Johnny. People who had nothing more to do than
be territorial. I was unlikely to find someone as enlightened as I
was. If that was the case, all hope was lost. Besides, I didn't
want to travel that far. I had to make something here.

I got up as the sun floated higher in the
sky, hidden behind the clouds, which seemed to be losing their
thickness. It was time to move and find something. The thought of
finding other people still jumped about my mind. What would I
do?

As I walked down the peak, I took another
deep breath. The air had warmed considerably since I woke up. A
scent, something familiar, something that I hadn't smelled in a
very long time, hit me. It was organic, but it wasn't human. Soil.
Not the barren soil between the rocks that I'd smelled so far, but
fertile soil. Soil that I'd smeared across my knees a million times
as a boy. I trotted back to Jenny who stretched with the blanket
covering her legs.

"Jenny, you awake?"

She looked at me with half opened eyes.
"Yes?" She smiled.

The smile caught me off guard. Could it be
that she'd forgiven me? That last night wasn't just a moment of
weakness? I grinned, eager for more. "Do you smell that?"

She sniffed. "No, what is it? People?"

"No, soil!"

Her look evaporated, and she gave me a
sympathetic look. Then she laughed. "Soil?"

"Yes, soil," I said and chuckled. Her eyes
sparkled. This was all that mattered. The rest of the world could
smolder for the rest of eternity, all I needed was one more look
like that from her. "Soil that we can grow plants on. I'm sure of
it."

She sniffed the air and nodded her head
imperceptibly. "It does smell like that."

I started packing our things. I didn't want
to look her in the face anymore. If I did, I was liable to break
down in her arms. Her last words were encouraging. They could've
been said to satiate me, or they could have been said in earnest.
Both were good signs.

"Let's see," I said.

We walked up the satellite peak and back
down it. The smell grew stronger. It would drift away sometimes,
we'd change direction and it would return. Soon, near the bottom of
the hill, close to where the plains stretched out, I saw a patch of
mud. Green shoots sprouted out of it.

I focused on the patch of plants. They
looked like weeds, and the patch was about ten yards in diameter,
but it seemed like a piece of paradise. I took out my map and made
a note. We would leave it be for now and come back when the plants
were older.

"This shows that the world is growing again.
That we will soon be able to live normally," I said.

"That we will be able to build?" Her tone
felt like a punch. Had the size of the patch turned her off?

I tried to ignore the comment. Only a minute
ago she seemed full of life and now... There was only so much I
could take. After all, I had decided not to burn down Bill's
place.

"We'd better get going," I said, and placed
the map in my pocket. We marched back up to the ridge and continued
towards the south.

Two hours later we came upon a cliff face
that couldn't be scaled. The wall was wrinkled with sleeves of
orange rock. We followed the base of the cliff until we found a
path that cut up into the cliff face. I didn't like the feel the
path gave; it put us at the mercy of anyone who was on top. Still,
I couldn't smell anyone or hear anything, so I figured it would
save us some time.

We walked up this natural alleyway for half
an hour. Each time I looked back I could see more and more of the
land. The shape of our hill, where our cave was located, stood a
distant reminder that we had something to go back to.

That's when I heard the voices. Multiple low
voices echoing down the path we were walking up. There was no place
to hide. We could've run back from where we came, but if they
wanted, they could mow us down. There was no choice. My heart
jumped into my throat. I looked at Jenny who grabbed a hold of my
sleeve. The voices were clearer now. Men. I pulled out my rifle
from my back and held it. Jenny did the same. Her other hand
checked her hidden handgun.

Then I glimpsed the men as they walked down
towards us. They didn't have the slightest hesitation in their
strides. All laughed and talked to one another as if no one would
ever hear them. I looked above us to see if anyone was checking
their flanks. There wasn't any movement. My heart slowed down. I
could handle them. Jenny shuffled her feet. Her breathing
increased, and she looked at me and gave a small smile.

I smiled back. I would be fine, as long as
she was on my side.

Four men. No one else behind them. At least
the odds weren't bad. Assuming Jenny did her part too. I could
smell their body odor and unchanged underwear from twenty yards
away.

They were so engrossed in their conversation
that they didn't notice us until they were ten meters away.

"Hello." I raised my hand.

My voice scattered their thoughts as they
looked at me, then Jenny, then pulled out their rifles.

"Easy," I said. "I have no problems, I just
want to pass. Me and my wife," I glanced up and back behind us. No
one.

The men looked at each other, still shocked.
They were lean, dressed in black. Though the black was more from
dirt than actual dye. The two on the flanks seemed the youngest.
They kept looking at the other two for what to do next. Of the two
in the middle, the one on the left was old, fifties maybe, while
the one to the right was thirty. All looked they were in the same
family, with sharp noses and chins that pointed to the same point
in front of their faces. Finally the oldest one spoke up. "You say
you want to get past us?"

Though his tone was uncertain, there was a
level of anger and contempt in it.

"Yes, please," I said.

"What business do you have here?" the old
man's said, louder and angrier. I could hear his twang.

"Well. We were hoping that we could find
people. To trade with. To talk to." I looked over at Jenny who
seemed to be annoyed. "Are ya'll alone?"

"We have more people," one of the younger
ones said with a fearlessness that was troubling. "Plenty more
people. You?"

"No." There was no need to lie. I had to try
to reach out to these people. "But we come as friends."

They all cackled together.

It reminded me of Big Lee.

Please... Don't.

Was this how it was always going to be?
Anger bubbled up inside me.

"Is that so? Well we don't," the old man
barked. "Throw your gun down. You too sweetheart," he said and
smiled at Jenny. "You'll be fine with us. We're just going to take
you with us."

Jenny threw her weapon down and I felt sad,
betrayed, as if there wasn't anything else for me to do. If I lost
her what else was there?