Authors: Courtney Noel
Chapter 37
: Healing -->
So after Kade carried me to the office and my mom signed us out, mom rushed us to the doctor’s. The three of us are in a doctor’s room waiting for the doctor to come in. Apparently, I should be on pills for my “panic attacks.” I mean one panic attack does not mean I have to be on medication. That’s ridiculous. I’m not quite on board, but my mom says if I had one today, I will most likely have another, and I do not want to be calling Kade again for help.
The doctor comes in and I can feel my stomach flip with nerves. My mom begins to tell the doctor what happened today and how she had panic attacks when she was little and panic attacks are genetic. I try to get to her shut up because, obviously, the doctor already knows these facts. I look over at Kade, who of course is looking at me already. He gets up from his chair in the corner and sits on the bed next to me.
“Well since panic attacks run in the family, and you are so young to be having them, I would agree with your mother that it is smart to put you on a low-dosage medication to help you control your thoughts. Therapy plus the medication will help you be able to control panic attacks. What do you think has caused all this emotional damage?” The doctor sits in his rolling chair and looks up at me. Since I was little, I’ve always wanted one of those cool little wheelie chairs. I would totally be a doctor for the chair.(minus all the school of course.)
“A boy emotionally abused me for several months,” I say. My heart beats faster and faster and my eyes sting with warm tears. Kade sees a tear slip from my eyes down my cheek, so he takes my hand in his and squeezes it. My favorite Kade hand squeeze.
“Ah, I see. Okay Becca, we will start you off on ten milligrams of Lexapro. Lexapro has no serious symptoms except for nausea and headache. You will not act any different or feel any different. People will not notice a difference, and your thoughts will just feel more organized. It won’t hurt your body at all, either,” the doctor says. He doesn't even say he’s fucking sorry about Henry. Dick-hole. I just nod my head, not trusting my voice. I get up from the bed, Kade’s hand still in mine, as my mother shakes the doctor’s hand. Kade and I open the door and walk out, and when we start down the hall I drop his hand. I can feel him look over. For the slightest second, I swear I see a little bit of disappointment appear on his face.
**
That night when we get home I sit on the couch and watch TV. Mom and Dad go to bed while Kade and I stay up.
“Full House?” He asks, holding the remote in his hand.
“Sure,” I say. I remember how much I loved Full House before Henry ruined that great childhood memory. Henry took every fucking good memory away from me in general. Kade turns to the channel that always has late night reruns of Full House and turns the volume down a little so Mom and Dad can fall asleep.
Thirty minutes into the first episode, I feel my heart beat start to pick up. Faster and faster it goes. It’s never beat this fast. My legs start shaking and my hands clam up. I start breathing faster and faster, until Kade is at my side.
“Becca, Becca, what’s going on?” He asks. My breaths get shorter and more frequent. He puts his arms around me and strokes my back with his fingers. “Shhh,” he tells me. He bolts off the couch, all of a sudden, into the kitchen, and grabs a paper bag and runs back over to the couch. He sits next to me and puts the paper bag up to my mouth and tells me to breathe, while his other hand draws circles on my back. “It’s okay. This is what the medication will help with,” he says. His words are comforting. I don’t ever want to feel another panic attack again in my life. I’m officially on board with the whole medication thing, because having a panic attack literally feels like you’re dying. Your heart beats so fast you think you’re having a heart attack. I’m too young to have these feelings. I can’t get through it on my own; I need medication to help. Just like Henry needs to do, I need to accept the fact that I need medication. I put my head on his shoulder and let my body relax on his. We sit there for a while, my head on Kade’s shoulder. He’s scratching my back and stroking my hair. When I feel my eyes get heavy, I get up from the couch and walk upstairs and into my room. I let myself lie on my bed without my pajamas or the covers and fall asleep.
**
My mom lets me skip the next two days of school when she found out what happened last night. She tells Kade that she is thankful for what he did. I stay in bed all day for Thursday and Friday, while Kade goes to school by himself, and what’s really freaky about it is that I really miss driving to school with him.
Chapter 38
: Watch Her Heal -->
I drove myself to school this morning and it sucked ass. I remember when driving with Becca to school was the most painful part of my day. And there are a lot of parts that are painful in my senior year of high school. Now, driving to school with Becca, talking, laughing, and singing is the best part of my day.
I’m in government, bored out of my freaking mind, so I decide to text Becca and check on her.
How are u?
Bored. Lonely. U?
Same. Miss u.
Missed our car ride.
So she missed our car ride, too! All of a sudden, I feel a shadow coming up in front of my desk. I’m scared that it’s my dumbass teacher, but it’s not. It’s this girl named Kimberly. I’ve checked her out a couple of times. Huge tits; that’s for sure.
“Hey handsome, wanna be my partner?” She smiles. She’s wearing red lipstick. Usually, I hate red lipstick, but in this case I find it sexy. Becca never wears bright red like that, only a mellow pink.
“Partner in what?” I wink.
“Both school and outside of school,” she says, licking her lips.
“I’m in,” I say. I scoot over and let her share my little blue chair. Her butt is the perfect roundness and size – not too big and not too small. Sharing a seat, we listen to the teacher tell us about our research project. We are assigned to find as much information about the United States Congress as possible.
When I sigh, Kimberly speaks. “We will make it fun.” She winks. I give her a sexy smile. See, girls like Kimberly aren’t looking for a relationship. They’re looking for sex. For non-emotional sex (the best kind.) I am totally up for that. Maybe for once I will be able to get Becca out of my mind. The teacher then tells us to figure out days to get together and do our project. She says we will not want to save this for the night before.
“How’s tomorrow?” Kimberly’s perfect lips stretch into a smile. I can’t get over that super red lipstick that makes me unable to look away. I’ve never seen that kind of lipstick in Becca and I’s bathroom, just lots of tampons with motivational quotes on the wrappers.
“Sure, my house?”
“Sure,” she smiles a seductive smile. “Hopefully you have a nice room.” She winks again. The bell rings. I take Kimberly’s phone and put my cell number in.
“Text me your number and I’ll text you my address. See you around noon?” I don’t give her the chance to answer before I leave the room and head out into the hall.
It’s time to go home now, thank God. I walk out to the senior parking lot and unlock my truck. I slide into the driver’s seat, missing Becca complaining about how she can’t drive my truck as I put the car in reverse. I back out of the tiny parking space and pull the car into drive. I turn left onto the main street and drive peacefully all the way home. I miss Becca telling me about her day. I even miss the days where something awful happened that she’s dead silent. I just miss her presence in the car. I miss her giggles and awful taste in music. Hopefully Monday she will be healthy enough to drive to school with me. I pull into the gated community and click the button installed in my truck. The gate opens and I drive through, drumming my fingers against the steering wheel. I pull my truck into the driveway and put it in park. Becca’s car isn’t here and my heart sinks.
I walk in, finding Lindsey making banana bread. “Lindsey is it alright if a friend of mine comes over tomorrow to do a government project?” I grab grapes out of the bowl sitting on the counter and sit at the bar stool. Lindsey always has a bowl of grapes out on the counter. Since the bowl is out there, David, Becca, and I always just snack on them when we’re in the kitchen. Lindsey makes us eat a lot of fruit. Maybe that’s why Becca is so skinny. It doesn’t explain her huge boobs, though.
“Sure. What’s his name? Don’t forget, Becca and I are making tamales for Thanksgiving so you will have to work upstairs,” she says.
“Her name is Kimberly,” I say. Her eyebrows raise.
“Is this just a friend?” She drops the spoon she is stirring the batter with into the bowl and takes some grapes out.
“Not exactly,” I say. She doesn’t have to know that Kimberly is a friend with benefits. She raises her eyebrows even higher and sighs. Why the hell is she tripping out? It’s just a girl, geez.
“Does she know you live with us?” Crap. I completely spaced out. What the hell am I going to do when Becca shows up in my house and isn’t exactly related to me? What the hell am I gonna tell Kimberly?
“Crap, no,” I say.
“Well, you can just say your parents are on a long vacation and you are staying with us until they are back.” This is why I love Lindsey as a mother. She always has great ideas.
“Where’s Becca?”
“Spending the night at Chasity’s. She needs a little girl time with everything going on. She took her first dose of the medication last night, though. It’s supposed to kick in between five days and two weeks. I’m hoping for the five days. You did a good job helping her through everything, Kade,” she says.
“No problem,” I tell her. “I guess I’ll sit down in the living room and watch TV alone.” I sigh and know she can tell that I’m disappointed. I am disappointed, though. My other half is missing. I have no one to share my obsession with Mrs. Field’s ice cream with tonight or watch Full House with. No one is going to fall asleep in my arms tonight.
“Don’t miss her too much.” She giggles then walks down the hall and into the office. She closes the door behind her and I am left alone to realize that I no longer want alone time. I want Becca here with me.
Chapter 39
: Healing -->
“How’s Kade?” Chasity asks as she hits the tennis ball back to me. It’s a scorching hot day for November so I’m in a tank top and shorts. After being trapped in the house for the past two days, I decided to call Chasity and tell her I was coming over. Of course, she said yes. Now I am here sweating my ass off. I’ve been wanting to avoid the Kade subject, but I know that isn’t possible. When one of the hottest guys in school is living with you, you can’t really get through a conversation without him being brought up.
“Fine, I guess,” I say. There’s nothing else really to say. I mean, Kade is fine. I shrug, making it seem like Kade isn’t really a big deal because he’s not – big deal, I mean. He’s not the one on medication for panic attacks and having a boy abuse him. As you can see, saying you should accept the fact that being on medication is okay is way easier said than done.
“Oh my gosh,” Chasity says.
“What?” I’m puzzled.
“You have feelings for him,” she says. My eyes go wide.
“No I do not. Oh my gosh I can’t even believe you would think that!” I smack the tennis ball back to her, trying to show I am angry. Which I am.
“You got all tense when I mentioned his name,” she points out.
“Did not,” I fight back.
“Does he know?” Is she being serious right now?
“Know that I don’t have feelings for him? Yes. He knows. Very much so,” I tell her, sarcastically of course.
“Whatever Becca. Just know that if you want to talk about it, I’m here.” She rolls her eyes and catches the ball I hit to her. “I’m done. Let’s go to the store and rent some movies and buy some candy,” she says. I love our Friday nights. Chasity drives us down the street to Albertson’s and we pick out some movies from RedBox and buy candy. My favorite candies are Twix and Starburst and hers are Kit Kats and lollipops. We pay for the candy and movies then go back to her house. We watch
Pretty in Pink
and
Dirty Dancing
then go to bed. We can’t stay up until three in the morning like we could when we were in middle school. Chasity has this amazing foam mattress and pillows so it’s like impossible to not fall asleep when you are laying on it. I wake up the next morning to a text from my mom.
Starting to make the masa for the tamales. When will u b home?
Soon.
I thank Chasity for letting me come over in a note, since she’s still asleep, and sneak out of the house. We’ve been best friends since seventh grade, so we don’t even have to ask her parents anymore if I can sleepover. I’m just part of the family now, which is comforting. I get in my car, still in my pajamas, and drive back to the house. It’s already one o’clock; Chasity and I sleep in on the weekends. The good thing is, I’m not tired at all anymore. I feel refreshed and ready for the day. I open the gate and pull into the driveway. When I see
Kade’s car, I realize I missed him.
“Hi, Mom,” I say as I enter the front door.
“Hi, honey, you’re just in time to spread the masa on the outer shells,” she responds. I walk into the kitchen and find chili for the tamales cooking on the stove and a big bowl of masa on the center counter. I take the big bowl and have a seat at the bar. I start spreading out the masa. Ever since I was twelve I’ve made tamales with my mom. For a while I find it relaxing, but after about three hours I’m tired and bored of the long process.
“Where’s Kade?”
“Doing a school project with a friend upstairs.”
“Kade? Doing homework on the weekend? Are you sure it’s not some alien in Kade’s body?” I ask giggling. Kade hates doing homework on the weekend.
“I know, shocking right?”
“Yeah,” I say, laughing along with my mom. Mom goes out to the garage to get some more chili from the fridge, and I decide Kade and his friend should take a break from homework and help with the tamales. Two extra hands and we will be done in about an hour.
I walk upstairs and right into Kade’s room. “Kade come downstairs and help,” I say as I open up the door. I finally look up and find a girl in her panties and no bra lying on top of Kade who is shirtless with his jeans on. My jaw drops. I can’t say anything. Speechless would be an understatement. I literally can’t say anything. No words or even carbon dioxide comes out. I turn around and walk out of the room, closing the door behind me. Oh my gosh. That girl’s boobs were lying on Kade’s bare chest. And they were making out. I swear I’m going to barf. I need to get out of here. I race down the stairs with Kade calling my name.
“Becca!” He yells. I look up at him. He’s racing down the stairs behind me with his shirt off, revealing his six pack. I go dizzy. Holy shit I have to get out of here. He comes down to the bottom of the stairs and looks into my eyes. I shake my head at him, turn my back to him and walk away.
“Becca, wait,” he says.
“Wait for what Kade?” I ask.
“I don’t know. She’s not my girlfriend or anything,” he says.
“Does it matter? Do you think I care? It’s not like you cheated on me or anything. I’m just embarrassed I walked in on you guys, that’s all. No big deal,” I say and continue to walk away.
“Becca,” he says again, quieter this time. He stops me from walking away by grabbing my hand and turning me around so I’m forced to look him directly in the eyes. I look down at our hands wrapped in one another, then back into his eyes. I get the same feeling I got that day on the front porch. Electricity and heat is rushing through my body from my hand and I’m wondering if he’s getting the same feeling. Then I hear someone at the top of the stairs. She has dark skin and dark hair and is now fully dressed. She looks freaked out.
“Becca, this is Kimberly,” Kade tells me.
“Hi,” the chick says in a shy voice.
“Wow, I barely recognize her with her shirt on,” I mumble to Kade so only he can hear. Even though I don’t like this chick, I don’t want to be a bitch. I drop Kade’s hand and give Kimberly a fake smile. I can tell she knows it’s fake, which is totally awesome. Then I walk to the kitchen.
“Want something to drink, Kimberly?” I hear Kade ask.
“Um, no thanks Kade, I think I’m going to go,” I hear her say back.