Authors: Courtney Noel
Chapter 43
: Healing -->
So Dana, Cassidy, Chasity, and I are driving down to the boat in San Diego, and I might already go insane. It’s only Saturday morning. I have until tomorrow night. I am obviously going to go crazy. Chasity is in the front seat next to her mom, and I am in the back seat with Dana and Cassidy. Cassidy is a year younger then Chasity and I, and no, she is not mature. Dana is in our grade but she is Cassidy’s maturity level, so it all works out. Dana and Cassidy are obsessed with Instagram and taking hot pictures of themselves. I mean, I like that too, just not when I have to take the pictures. Like all the other girls in the world, I like being the model.
“Did you see the VMA’s?” Dana asks in her high-pitch girly voice.
“No, why?” Ain’t nobody got time to watch the VMAs. The CMAs is totally where it’s at. I love country music.
“Did you hear about Miley Cyrus’ performance half naked?” She giggles.
“Oh my gosh I heard about that! I haven’t seen it, though,” I tell her.
“Oh my gosh, you HAVE to watch it!” She boasts. I pull out my IPhone and type in Miley Cyrus VMAs 2013 into the YouTube search bar. It starts off with her climbing out of a giant teddy bear, wearing what looks like a one-piece bathing suit. It’s freakin’ ugly. Then she takes off the ugly onesie and strips down into a bra and panties and I might just barf.
“Okay this is waaayyy to much for me to watch,” I say to Dana.
She giggles. “Yeah, can you believe that was the Hannah Montana we looked up to in elementary school?”
“Not at all,” I say as we get off the freeway and head down to the marina. When we park in the marina parking lot, we pick out a couple carts and start loading our food and bags for the weekend into the carts. We take them all down to the boat. Dana and Chasity wait for Cassidy and me to open up the boat. When we do, the other two girls hand Cassidy and I the bags from the dock and we put them in the boat. By the time we are done, we are dying of heat.
“Alright, I can’t stand it. Let’s go to the pool,” I say. The three girls nod their heads in agreement. The marina has a pool and hot tub that we can use, which is super nice. I’m the first one to jump in, of course, and the freezing water would usually numb my body, but since it’s so hot outside, the water is refreshing.
“Come on guys! Get in! The water is super nice,” the rest of the girls are just sitting on the lawn chairs watching me swim. Ugh, sometimes I wish I had friends that weren’t such girly girls. I am always the first one in the pool, in the ocean, asking a boy out, kissing a boy. I am the brave one. Even though the brave one is the exact opposite of how I feel. I let Henry take my happiness, my trust in people, my trust in friendship, and my trust in myself. Now, I doubt the people I choose to be friends with or crush on. I am always thinking “Is this the right kind of person I should be hanging out with?” And I never know how to answer my own questions. It’s always, “Well, I just don’t want to be friends with someone like Henry again.” It’s depressing and defeating.
Chasity jumping in the water snaps me out of my Henry thoughts. She makes a big splash and water soaks the top of my head. I’m not the type of girl that hates getting her hair wet.
“Hey, you okay?”
“Yeah,” I say simply. Dana and Cassidy jump in and swim up to us.
“So, Chasity, into any guys this year?” Dana winks at her.
“Yeah I like this cute boy from another school,” she says, blushing.
“Oh my gosh, Chasity, he is a ginger!” I throw my hands up in the air.
“He is not!” She laughs along with me. Since Chasity has like the guy, I’ve told her he’s a ginger. She disagrees. I love moments like this with my best friend. Inside jokes and long laughs make all the pain go away for a while. She makes my heart feel whole and when I’m with her, I can never stop smiling. See that’s how I know Henry was never really my best friend, because my real best friend is my medicine; Henry was the cause.
“You know who is really ginger? That Henry guy, you know the one that was like obsessed with me freshman year?” Shit. I see Chasity glance at me out of the corner of my eye. I try my best to smile and laugh along with Dana’s comment.
“Oh my gosh! Yes! He’s such a freak! Becca, weren’t you friends with him?” Cassidy is barely breathing because she is laughing so hard and I am barely breathing from the comment about Henry. It’s true; he is a ginger. I just don’t like to think about him or talk about him at all.
“Yeah he’s crazy. He threatened to commit suicide,” Chasity says casually like it wasn’t some big deal that tore my whole life apart.
“Chasity,” I say, looking over at her, in shock that she would tell the other two girls that. I’m disappointed in her. I thought she would know better than to talk about Henry so casually around me. She knows what talking about him does to me. I shut down and go into the negative world where the walls close in on me and I have to remind myself to breathe.
“He did? Oh my gosh. He would always text me saying he hated his life and stuff,” Dana continues. “So annoying. I mean, I like felt bad and all, but he just got like super depressing.” That’s the dumb blonde valley girl version of what happened to me.
“Yeah, he said he would commit suicide if I didn’t talk to him,” I tell the girls. Dana and Cassidy’s jaws drop. I want to make sure they know who the hell they are talking to. This is not some “oh how sad” thing. I mean, I’m not trying to make them feel bad for me. I don’t need someone to feel bad. I just want them to understand what the hell they are talking about, because right now, they have no clue.
“Really!? How messed up,” Cassidy says. I giggle. Ha.Yeah, messed up.
“Why did you stop being friends with him, Becc?” Cassidy looks at me curiously.
“He was abusive,” I tell them. All of their eyes go wide, except for Chasity’s. Her eyes just look at the bottom of the pool. I can tell she feels bad for Henry coming up in the conversation.
“Like physically?”
“Emotionally, which is just as bad,” I say shortly. I also want them to know that emotional abuse is not less painful than physical abuse. It’s the same amount of pain, just emotionally instead of physically. It’s the same recovery. It’s trauma and it’s not some little deal. They just nod.
“Like how?” Dana asks.
“Can we stop talking about it?” I ask, kind of through with the Henry talk. They all just stare at me not knowing what to say. That happens to me a lot, so I decide to pretend I’m hungry and go back to the boat.
**
That night, I get woken up by a text from Kade. I first look out the window; it’s pitch dark, then look at the clock. It’s 2:23 in the morning, of course. We are such night owls together. I can just imagine him eating ice cream and watching Full House.
U up?
Not exactly.
Sorry. I made cookies 4 myself. It stinks u r not here.
Ik. I lonely 2. It kind of sucks here.
Y?
Dana, the girl that came down with us, knew Henry. He was mentioned a lot today.
What did u do?
Kept my cool. That medication has really helped.
Good. I am going to bed. Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Chapter 44
: <-- Breaking
“Can you send me a pic?” Henry texts me.
“Of what?”
“Anything. Maybe something sexy.”
“Are you trying to get me to send you a naked photo?” I text him, trying to put my feeling of shock into the text so he is able to see he should think about what he is about to say.
“Well, I got my laptop taken away, so I can’t watch the internet. I’m a boy, we need this or else we get some penis infection or something,” he texts. He’s joking right? He has to be joking.
“I cannot believe you would ask me to send you naked photos. The answer is no.” I text simply.
He doesn’t respond.
Chapter 45: Healing -->
When I pull my Jeep into the driveway, I see Kade running out of the front door. He comes up to my driver’s door and opens it for me, letting me out. He pulls me out of the car and wraps his arms around me. He looks so happy to see me and honestly, I am happy to see him. The hug feels nice and normal. His hands are around my waste and mine are around his. He buries his face in my neck and I can feel him breathing. It sends shivers down my spine.
Shocked by the embrace, I whisper, “How’s Kimberly?” He immediately lets go and brushes his shirt off.
“Fine. She’s coming over for dinner, actually,” he mumbles as he turns away from me and opens the trunk and pulls my bags out.
“Cool,” I say casually. Talk about an awkward moment. Kade opens the front door for me and I walk in, breathing in the smell of my own home. The most comforting thing every time I get home from a trip. I’m a home body. I don’t like being away from home. Kade takes my bags up to my room as I walk in the kitchen to say hello to my parents. Daddy takes me into a big bear hug as mom kisses my cheek.
“Did you have fun?” Daddy asks.
“Yeah. Dana only bugged Chasity and me a little bit,” I say. They giggle.
“Tolerance, babe, learn it,” Mom says. Dad and I have never been ones to be patient with annoying people. Kade comes into the living room and turns on the TV. I look over at the stove and find a pan with brownies half eaten.
“Lonely this weekend?” I ask him as I plop on the couch next to him.
“I couldn’t eat Mrs. Fields ice cream without you! So I had to settle for brownies.” He tickles me.
“He had no idea what to do with himself,” Mom says, giggling. She pats Kade on his shoulder. “What time is Kimberly coming over, hon?” He looks up at my mom. My mood completely changes and my face falls. Really? The first night I’m back and Kimberly has to come over?
“Five-thirty, I think.” Kade answers. Kade and I love eating dinner super early. If we could have dinner at four, we would.
“What’s for dinner?” I ask.
“Pasta sound good?”
“Yeah,” Kade and I say at the same time. He looks over at me and I try to hide my disappointment. I give him a fake, soft smile and he pats my knee with his hand.
**
It’s five thirty, and I’m holding Daisy when Kade opens the door for Kimberly. Kade and I spent the day playing Mario Cart on the Wii while holding the puppies. Kade and I get very serious about our Mario Cart. It gets super loud in the house, full of screaming and trash talking.
“Lily! Daisy!” Oh geez. This girl. Kimberly comes running in the house toward the puppies’ cage. Car and Terrance immediately get up and sniff Kimberly, making sure she is okay to be around their daughters. Sadly, they sense she is okay. Kimberly takes Daisy out of my hands. Kade catches my eye, knowing I hate this chick. She’s too happy and hyper. No wonder she’s a cheerleader. She smiles at me and then takes Kade into a hug with Daisy still in her arms.
“How was your trip, Becca?” Kimberly puts Daisy down and picks up Lily. She sits on the couch, putting Lily in her lap.
“You knew I was gone?” I ask, curious.
“Of course. Kade was so lonely. I came over to help cheer him up.” She laughs. Kade swats her arm. Lonely? Why did he need cheering up? And what kind of cheering up are they talking about? I don’t even want to know.
“Wanna play Mario Cart? Whoever loses plays Becca?” Kade picks up our two Wii remotes and hands the second to Kimberly.
“Sure, but I suck,” she giggles again. They play four races, and Kimberly loses every single one of them.
“Well the fellow Mario Cart racers have spoken. Becca, it is on,” Kimberly hands me her remote and Kade and I play four races. He wins two and I win two.
“What’s the tie breaker?” I ask, laughing hysterically. Playing with Kade is the best. We yell and scream at each other, trying to throw each other off. Sometimes, if I’m not too far in front of him on the race track, I try and throw him off the road while he pushes my arms trying to get in the way of my awesome driving skills. Good thing this isn’t a real-life game, or else we would have crashed and killed everyone else on the road, too.
“Thumb war!” Kade announces. “Ladies and gentleman, today’s war consists of Becca and Kade’s thumbs going thumb to thumb for the Mario Cart gold medal!” He pretends a crowd cheers. He puts his thumb up to my face, trying to make his thumb look intimidating.
“Oh it’s on,” I say as I let go of my Wii remote and link my thumb to his, unable to stop laughing.
“One to three four I declare a thumb war five six seven eight try to keep your thumbs straight,” Kade announces loudly. Our thumbs go head to head. Kade pushes his thumb down on mine but I manage to pull it out on the third second.
“Wait, how many seconds do I have to hold your thumb down to win?” I giggle.
“Thirty seconds!” Kade presses my thumb down.
“What!? Not even a professional wrestler could do that! Five seconds!”
“Fine! Five! I win!” Damnit. Didn’t think that through. He jumps onto his feet and dances across the living room singing “We Are the Champions.” I shake my head in disbelief.
“Are you sure you want to be dating this guy?” I look over at Kimberly, who isn’t laughing like us.
“I don’t know. You guys seem like a better match,” she says. Shit. I better back off from this chick’s guy. Kade just looks at me, blinking. I slowly back away from him.
“Um, I’m going to go see if I can help mom with dinner,” I tell no one specific. Right when I leave the room, I hear Kade move onto the couch with Kimberly.
**
“So, why is Kade staying with you guys?” Kimberly asks my mom and dad during dinner. Kade kicks me under the table, signaling to follow his lead. I respond by giving him a glare, letting him know that, yes, that kick hurt.
“Um, my mom and dad are out of town for a couple months so I’m staying with them,” Kade responds.
“Where?”
“Where they grew up,” Mom says simply, trying to get Kimberly to stop asking questions. I can tell Kade is starting to get a little frustrated and upset. Whenever someone asks why he has to live with us, he gets reminded of Destiny. She left him. Her own brother.
“Where’s that?” Kimberly doesn’t get it.
“Mexico,” Kade answers shortly.
“Why didn’t you go with them?” Why didn’t he go with them? Uh, I think he has something to finish here? I snort. Dad glares at me.
“They wanted me to finish high school and graduate and go to college.” No one eats their food except for Kimberly. Geez, can someone really be that clueless? Can she not tell that no one wants to be talking about this subject except for her? I mean there are four of us and one of her; she’s outvoted. The bitch has got to leave.
“Do you have any siblings?” I choke on my water. Fuck. Now I’m having a cough attack from the stupid water. Mom and Dad look at me while Kade tries his best to put on a fake smile.
“A brother and sister.” Wow, this is like the first time he has been honest with her. Big step, Kade. I hate that he’s being honest with her. She doesn’t deserve to know the real answers. It’s our secret. 8
“How old are they?” How many freaking questions can one person ask in a dinner?
“Twenty and twenty-two,” he tells her. She just nods her head, finally done.
“Are they with your parents?” Oh, just kidding.
“No. My brother is a cop and my sister lives with friends.” How does Kade know this? I mean I know Landon is a cop but how does he know Destiny lives with friends? Note to self: ask Kade about this after Kimberly leaves. Maybe tomorrow. Kade might need a break after answering all these ridiculous questions. No girl is worth this.
“Cool.” She nods. “So, David, what do you do for living?” Dad goes into this full on conversation with Kimberly about his company while Kade and I talk with our eyes. He’s tired of this chick, I can tell. He doesn’t take his eyes off mine. And for once, I don’t take mine off his. I’m open to letting him in. This is not supposed to happen. And it scares the shit out of me.
**
Tuesday, I have to perform my solo for choir. The assignment is to pick a song you relate to you. There is so many. Our director says he wants us to sing with tons of emotion from the heart. He wants it sad and heartbreaking to the point that I will cry while singing it and he will cry while watching or so happy that he must go and run a mile or something. All the songs that speak to me are all sad, though, so I know exactly what I want to sing about. On Monday, I decide to have Kade wait in the car for me after school, so I can rehearse my song on our school stage while no one is around. I tell him I will only be like five minutes late. He just texts back “okay.” Ever since Kimberly said we were the perfect match, things have kind of been tense between Kade and I.
I get into the zone as I get up on stage. The stage is absolutely where I belong. I can sing whatever I want, with how much passion I want, and no one will ever know what I’m thinking of that makes my singing so intense. There is no one in the theater, so I decide to go all out. I sing “Warrior” by Demi Lovato. It reminds me of Henry in a way that no conversation or thought will ever do. It eats me up inside with so much emotion and sadness. The song makes me cry every time I listen to it. Music has this connection with people that can’t be made without instruments.
"Warrior"- Demi
Lovato
This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro
All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised
Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again
Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know
Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken or bruised
'Cause now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me
There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause
you were never gonna take the blame anyway
Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again
No oh, yeah, yeah
You can never hurt me again
By the time I finish singing the song, I’m in tears. I take in a deep breath, trying to steady myself. I sit at the edge of the stage, letting my feet dangle. I run my fingers through my hair. The only thing that comforts me when I’m thinking about Henry is scratching my head or rocking in a rocking-chair. Then I hear someone enter the theater. The door slams behind Kade.