Authors: Courtney Noel
Chapter 6
: Healing -->
Kade and I are sitting on the balcony facing the lake; the sun is setting. We made it through the twenty-two hours nicely. We talked about pretty much everything, though we never brought up the love conversation again, thank goodness. We talked about our strong and weak subjects, our passions, and our dislikes. Small talk, but still talk. It was...nice, I admit, but that’s as nice as I will get.
We’re watching Car and Terance play in the grass below the balcony. We just finished dinner, and the rest of the family is inside debating on what card game to play. I would rather be inside with the rest of the family instead of awkwardly alone with Kade, but mom said if we wanted to take the dogs along on the trip, we would both have to watch them. I mean, I know they’re dogs, but even two dogs in love is awkward to be around. Not as awkward as the time I had to say excuse me to a couple making out because they were blocking my locker. Now THAT was awkward.
“So, why no love?” It’s the first time I’ve heard Kade talk since the beginning of dinner. You could see the wheels turning in his brain while we were eating. He’s thinking the exact same thing everyone else in school thinks. Why doesn’t Becca have a boyfriend? Why is she so against love? When in reality, it’s not their business and I just don’t feel damn comfortable talking about that kind of shit. It freaked me out. You know someone is really thinking when they keep silent for like forty five minutes.
“Huh?” I’m still in shock from how his voice sounded compared the perfect silence.
“Why aren’t you in love with someone? I mean you’re a teenager going into your senior year. Shouldn’t you be having some summer romance with a guy going off to college this year that you will never see again?”
“Um...no, no summer romance. I wish. I’ve never had a summer romance, actually.”
“Don’t be thinking I’m going to be your summer romance, Becca.” He winks at me and makes kissy faces. I make a broken heart with my hands.
“Don’t flatter yourself.” I get up from my plastic white chair and make my way down the stairs, off the balcony, toward Car and Terance.
“So why no love? I’ve never seen you kiss a guy or anything at school,” he says, following me.
“I’ve had my first kiss if that’s what you’re asking. You would know.”
“You know that’s not what I’m asking, though,” he responds, ignoring my comment about how he would know. He would know because, well, we were each other’s first kiss freshman year. I know, it was a little late to get my first kiss, but I was saving it for him. I had other opportunities, but I wanted it to be Kade. What a mistake that was.
“I don’t think love is very loving, if you know what I mean,” I say as I shrug my shoulders. I walk over to the grass and sit on a lawn chair, watching Car and Terance totally make out. Nasty. I mean, I love Car and I’m happy she has a romantic life, but still. Ewww.
“No, I don’t know what you mean,” he says as he sits in the lawn chair next to me. His arm brushes mine. That electric shock runs through my body again.
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea to fall in love with someone. I mean it always turns out bad. Either the other person doesn’t love you back, or they love you too much.” I look at him. The sun is shining perfectly on his brown hair.
“How can you love someone too much?” Does this guy have to ask so many questions?
“It’s easy. The person just becomes way too obsessed with you. It just makes me feel uncomfortable when someone tells me I’m their ‘whole world.’ It freaks me out.”
“Who told you that?”
“This guy.”
“Did you love him?”
“No, but he definitely loved me. Loves me –, present tense.”
“What happened?”
“He became too obsessed. He would say I’m the only thing he has to live for, and all that crap. It was way too much pressure. He’d also say he wanted to go to bed and never wake up when we were in a fight. I am really the only thing he had to live for, and that freaked me out. It still does. He would text me constantly, and when I say constantly, I mean like seventy texts a day. He still texts me, just not as much. He’s really angry at me,” I say. Why did I just tell him all that? The shit that went down between Henry and I is strictly between Henry and me, and well, my parents.
“I would be angry at you, too.”
“You don’t know the full story, Kade,” I say as I get up, ready to walk away. I start up the stairs. I don’t need to hear more negative talk when negative things are already always going through my mind.
“Whoa, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he calls after me. I shake my head and don’t turn around. I walk back to the house and into my room. I don’t want his sympathy. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. I don’t deserve it.
What happened between Henry and I is my soft spot. We all have soft spots. Those words or events people sometimes bring up that make you want to just drop to the floor, surrender, and cry. Henry is definitely my soft spot. And it’s not a good soft spot. I hate him. I never want to talk to him again. I never will. I hate just thinking about him, so it makes sense why it is so hard to talk about him. Even though he was never a boyfriend, he’s the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I ask God every day why he put Henry in my life in the first place, if He knew it was going to end so badly. I know I had to learn how to be strong and not just let people walk all over me. It makes me just want to write cuss words in sentences that have so many cuss words it doesn’t even fucking make sense. That felt good. Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck. Much better.
Kade’s
knocking on my door.
“So what’s the story?” He walks into my room and sits next to me on my bed. He looks into my eyes.
“Maybe later,” I say, then tap his thigh with the palm of my hand. I get up from my bed, leaving him sitting there alone. I open the door to my room, then close it, leaving him alone. I go down the stairs, grab my IPod and notebook, and head out to the dock.
I see Car and Terance doing “it.” I’m a virgin when it comes to watching dogs have um... intercourse? This is very awkward for me.
Chapter 7
: <-- Breaking
I wrap my arms around his neck and look into his deep-sea blue eyes.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he says to me. For about three days, I’ve been wondering what it would be like if he and I kissed. And I really want to know. I’m insanely curious.
So I say, “I want to.” Then we both lean in and kiss each other. It starts off slow but then he deepens the kiss. I pull away then he hugs me, putting his head on my shoulder.
“I love you,” he whispers. Fuck. Just fuck. Fuckity fuck.
Then my mouth blows up. “I love you too,” I say.
Lesson number one. NEVER be as much as a dumbass as I was in that moment.
DON’T SAY WHAT YOU DON’T MEAN JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL BAD.
Idiot.
I hate myself for that day. I couldn’t have been anymore stupid. I can’t believe I did something so fucking dumb. I just can’t believe myself. I’m such an idiot. I’m just so disappointed. What did I expect to happen? I really do hate myself.
Chapter 8
: Healing -->
“Hey, are you awake?” Kade comes into my room. After knocking, I might add. Which is very much appreciated.
“No, I’m just sleeping with my eyes open while holding a book in my hand, with the light on,” I say as I get up out of bed and meet Kade under the door frame of my room. My room is super cozy. It’s hard wood with a window view of the lake. My bed has a red comforter and plaid sheets. It’s a true cabin room. I’m in fuzzy pajamas with a long sleeve shirt. It’s always super cold during the night at the lake.
“Ha-ha. Hilarious. Hey, wanna go for a swim?”
“Hey wanna go hunt for elephants?”
“Stop being such a smart ass. It’s getting annoying. Now, do you want to go for a swim?”
“It’s eleven o’clock at night and has to be fifty degrees out,” I say.
“All part of the summer adventure,” he replies as he shows me one of his sexy smiles.
“No. In the movies, whenever the girl and guy go out for a midnight swim they end up falling in love. And that’s not what this is,” I say pointing to him then myself.
“Don’t worry; it’s not like that. We can get the little ones up to come swim with us, too. Plus, it’s eleven, not midnight.” When he says the “little ones” he’s referring to my two little cousins, Jackie and Tessa. They’re absolutely adorable. Jackie is six and Tessa is eight. They love to copy my every move, and ever since they met Kade, they love to copy him, too. When we started coming to the lake, I was thirteen. We come up to the lake for two weeks with the rest of the family. I love spending quality time with my family. My grandma, aunts, and uncles are so great. When we’re here, there is no stress or responsibility. It’s just us, the lake, the boat, and the cabin. It’s my favorite place to be because I love driving the boat, and I love the people I get to be with even more. There is no such thing as a bad day at the lake. The environment is positive and always sunny. I feel the love and support when I’m with them. It’s a true family.
“Are you crazy?” I ask.
“Little bit.” He winks.
“Get out of my room so I can change into my swimsuit,” I say then put my hands on his chest and push him out of my room. His chest is hard and I can feel his muscles. He gives me a cocky smile, and glues his eyes to mine for just a little too long. When he finally looks away, I close my bedroom door and change into my favorite bikini. It’s a strapless blue and white polka dot suit with a red bow that ties in the middle of my boobs. The bottoms are bright red to match the bow.
I walk out of my room and creep down the squeaky stairs, (the stairs are squeaky so it makes it hard for sneaking out), trying not to wake up the whole house. Once I get downstairs, I walk down the long hall that leads to the kitchen. I walk into the kitchen and see Kade, Jackie, and Tessa eating licorice and grabbing towels.
“Grab one for me,” I say. Kade looks up at me and checks me out. His eyes go from my eyes, to my chest, down my stomach, and down my legs. He seriously needs to look away because he’s 1) creeping me out and 2) making me nervous. I blush and then decide to do some checking out myself. He’s wearing plain black swim trunks, and he’s shirtless. You can see his elastic boxer waste sticking out from under his swim trunks. He has the “v.” Oh dear God that “v!” Everyone knows that girls are most attracted to a guy when he has a “v” right around where his stomach is about to meet his…you know. Whatever, it’s not a big deal. So what if he has an insanely hot body?
“So, who’s ready to swim?” I pick up Jackie by her stomach and run her out of the house, down the stairs, and onto the dock.
“Let’s all four jump in together,” Tessa says as she and Kade come up behind Jackie and me.
“Now, this is a big boy and girl secret,” I say, almost forgetting to include the “boy” in it. Usually, it’s just a big “girl” secret, but Kade’s now part of it, too.
“Alright!” Jackie takes our hands and puts them together. She weaves our fingers together until they’re locked. Then she takes Kade’s other hand. Tessa takes my free hand. “Jump on three,” Jackie continues.
“One,” I say.
“Two,” says Tessa.
“Three!” We all jump up in the air, and for the millisecond we are in the air, I feel Kade’s strong hand tighten around mine. He’s too strong; he’s hurting my hand. Then I go under. When I come up, Kade already has to little “monkeys” climbing up his back. I swim over to them and take my wet hands and tickle little Tessa, who’s basically on Kade’s head.
“Ahh!” She squeals.
Kade has these little specks of water on his cheeks and under his eyes.
**
Half an hour later we’re all freezing to death. “Beccie, I’m cold.” Ever since little Tessa could speak, she’s called me Beccie.
“So am I. Want some of my famous hot coco?” I smile at little Tessa and Jackie when I see their eyes light up when they hear “hot coco.”
“Okay!” They start to swim to shore.
“Go upstairs and change back into your pajamas and when you come back down, Kade and I will have four cups of hot coco ready,” I call after them. I turn to Kade, who’s shaking like a Chihuahua. Teeth chattering and all.
“Famous hot coco?”
“Come on, I’ll teach you,” I say as I start to swim to shore. I hear Kade swimming close behind me, his arms pushing him forward, and his feet kicking like flippers. I get out of the water and shake. I run up to the hammock that has our towels and grab two. I throw the white one to Kade and keep the brown one for myself. I dry my hair then make my way down my body. Kade shakes his hair out like a dog and puts his towel around his shoulders. I walk up the dirt path, up the stairs, and into the kitchen.
“Alright miss coco genius, show me how it’s done,” Kade says as he comes into the kitchen and grabs four mugs out of the cabinet. I grab the hot chocolate mix, marshmallows, and mini chocolate chips.
“Chocolate chips?” He looks at me like I’ve just had ice cream without Hershey’s chocolate sauce on it.
“Yes. Mini chocolate chips – not the regular size. It only tastes good with the minis,” I respond. I heat up the hot water in the tea kettle and take the milk out of the fridge. I pour four packs of hot chocolate in four separate mugs and fill the mugs with milk until the milk has covered all the powder.
“That much milk? But the milk is cold and you’re making hot chocolate,” he says.
“Don’t question my mad skills,” I say. “Besides, the hot water is going to be hot enough that the cold milk won’t be cold anymore and it will be the perfect temperature.” I take the tea kettle off the flame. I pour hot water into all four mugs and stir them with a spoon. Next, I put marshmallows in them so they cover the liquid. Last but not least, I put the mini chocolate chips on top of the marshmallows so they melt. It’s double the chocolate. I put the four mugs on the table as I hear four little feet thump down the stairs. Jackie and Tessa appear, running into the kitchen. They pull out their seats and sit down, slurping their hot coco with their upper lip. I sit down on the other side of them, and Kade sits next to me.
“I love having Kade here,” Jackie says to me.
“Me too,” Tessa seconds.
I look straight into his eyes. “Me three.” Then I get out of my chair, take my mug, and head upstairs to bed.
**
The next morning I wake up and see we are having pancakes. I love pancakes, but they’re really fattening, and like I said to Kade, I really don’t like to eat. I mean, I love food, but I hate what it does to me.
“Mom, should I have a pancake?” I pull my mom to the side, where everyone is out of ear shot. My mom knows I’ve been struggling with...I don’t know what I’m struggling with. I mean, I don’t have an eating disorder, I just really don’t like to eat. I feel like I’m getting fat when I eat, but that doesn’t stop me from eating. I just try to make time to burn off all the food. But lately, I haven’t had any time to go to the gym, and that makes my “should I eat this” habit worse.
“Honey, one pancake will not make you fat. Plus, you’ll be in the water all day. You need food. You can have fruit with it or oatmeal. Remember we’re on vacation. Typically, you don’t eat crap when you’re not on vacation, so think of this as a yummy treat.” My mom smiles at me and rubs my back in a circular motion.
I walk over to the plate that has all the pancakes and take one. I reach into the fridge and take out some apples and grapes. When I close the door, I see Kade coming down the stairs. I smile when his eyes meet mine. He doesn’t smile back. Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, but whatever. I sit down in a seat with my pancake in front of me. I spread peanut butter and syrup over my pancake and take a big bite. Pancakes are only good when they are smothered with peanut butter. If they don’t have peanut butter, they’re just plain gross. I swallow the rest of my pancake, then finish my apple. Right when I finish, Jackie and Tessa come running up to me telling me it’s time for me to go put on my bathing suit so we can go swimming. It’s only like nine in the morning, but I need to get out of this house with cranky Kade in it, so I run upstairs to my room and put on my bathing suit. This time, I’m wearing a peach colored bikini that has white lace over the peach. I put my hair up in a bun, so my hair doesn’t become a rat’s nest. My first year at the lake, I didn’t know my hair would get so knotty, so I just left it down. Boy did I learn my lesson. It took two of my aunts and a lot of de-tangler to get those knots out.
I run back downstairs in my bikini, looking for the sunscreen. I look outside at the dock, and there is Kade watching Jackie and Tessa swim. The parents are super big on there always having to be a lifeguard on duty when the kids are swimming. I grab the sun-tan lotion from the counter and run down the stairs, to the dock. I look over at Kade, who doesn’t even glance at me.
“What’s your problem?” I squirt lotion in my palm then rub it over my right leg.
“I don’t have a problem,” he says and gets up from his lifeguard chair and heads up to the balcony. Well then. I sit down in his chair and rub the sunscreen across my arms and shoulders, then my neck and my face.
“BECCA!” I hear Kade scream. I tell Jackie and Tessa to get out of the lake. They get out quickly then I run up the dock, up to the balcony.
“What!?” I scream back. I run in the house and see Kade kneeling down, petting Car. Terance is sitting next to car, whining.
“Car just threw up, like a lot,” Kade says. He doesn’t look at me, though. Gosh I’m getting really tired of his attitude, or non-attitude considering he won’t even look at me.
“What’s going on down here?” My dad comes down the stairs and appears in the living room.
“Car’s sick, Dad. Can we take her to the vet?” I look at my little dog and tear up. My dog is my best friend. I mean, I love Chasity, but Car and I have been through everything together. My relationship with her is so deep it’s incomprehensible to some people. We’ve been through break-ups, ex-best friends, and even death together. I love her more than anything. I don’t know what I would do without her. It may sound like I’m some crazy dog lady, but all those people with dogs they’ve had their whole life can understand my feelings.
“Well you and Kade can go to the vet, since those dogs are your responsibility.” Great. The last thing I want is to drive forty-five minutes into town with Kade.
“But dad-”
“No buts. Now get going, Car needs to see a doctor.” Crap. I look at Kade, who’s finally looking at me. His gorgeous green eyes are staring into my brown ones, but he’s not there. I mean, he’s looking at me, but his stare is blank and his eyes are dark and hard. No emotion. I squint my eyes at him, kind of asking “What the heck is your problem?” I hate playing games with him. I really don’t do well with them. I just say stuff how it is (most of the time), so when people don’t do the same, I go a little insane inside. Henry played tons of shitty games that fucked with my brain. I don’t have to explain why we aren’t friends anymore.
“Okay.” I say all shaky. Though forty minutes in the car with Kade does scare me. It kind of scares me in a fantastic way – the rush kind of way. It’s like when you see people standing in the back of a truck while the truck is moving. That kind of rush. Though I’d never try it myself. I’m a sucker for adventure, not an idiot. I take Car and cradle her all the way out to the car. I get in the passenger seat and slam the door behind me. Kade gets in the driver’s seat with his face blank and jaw tight and puts Terance on my lap. Terance barks at me to let go of Car, and when I do, Terance kisses Car. Man, Car has a better love life then I do.