Authors: Unknown
“Alright Erin, I love you.”
“I love you too.” As I hung up the phone my stomach turned. The words that had rolled off my tongue with ease less than four days ago now felt forced and phony. It wasn’t that they weren’t true, it was just now they were tainted. I’d compromised the meaning of those words for feelings that seemed almost beyond my control.
Maybe I jumped into all this relationship stuff too soon. I need some breathing room to sort all this out.
I scrolled back through my phone and found Mike’s message and read it again before I saved his number. I knew I’d have to call him at some point too but thankfully he was giving me some space and time.
I guess I should get my stuff together to leave tomorrow.
I pulled my suitcase from the closet and began unpacking and repacking my bags to prepare to catch the shuttle in the morning. I stepped into the bathroom and focused diligently on washing my face and brushing my teeth. I was nearly finished when thoughts of Mike came creeping in. I was exhausted with the back and forth I’d done in my mind the past few days and wanted to sleep but when I pulled back the covers I saw that Mike had left his motorcycle bandana beside my pillow. Before I could think about it I pressed the fabric to my nose and inhaled the familiar scent of his soap blended with his essence. I crawled into bed and laid the bandana on the pillow beside my head, stroking it gently with my fingers as I thought about the fact that just hours ago he’d been there with me, holding me and caressing me. Mike was my final thought as I succumbed to the weight of my heavy lids and drifted off to sleep.
Chapter Eleven
The flight home seemed faster than the departure. I’d hoped it would drag or delay or something but of course the one time I wasn’t looking forward to getting home on time, all flights were right on schedule. As I loaded my bags into Angie’s car, I tried to come up with any reason not to go home just yet. “I’m not quite ready to go home. Do you think I could come over to your house for a while or do you feel like hanging out?”
“Girl, please! We just got home for
Las Vegas!
I’m not trying to hang out for at least a month! You just don’t want to go home and face Josh.” She gave me a knowing glare. “I’m beat, but you can come over and drive Jeremy’s car home.” Jeremy was Angie’s sixteen year old son.
I thought about it for a moment then decided to take my ass home and face Josh, like an adult.
Get your shit together Erin! You are not some teenager. You’re a grown woman. Put on your big girl panties and deal with your situation.
“Ok Angie. That’s alright. Just take me home and I’ll either get my car or go inside. Maybe Josh decided to stay at his house tonight, but I doubt it since he knows I’m coming home.” I said with a lack-luster smirk as I slid into the passenger seat.
The lights were on as we approached my house.
Yep, he’s here and wide awake.
I took a deep breath to ease the tightening feeling in my chest as we pulled into the driveway. Angie turned to me with a coy smile and asked, “So what did happen in Vegas anyway?”
“Angie, what happens in Vegas; stays in Vegas,” I gave her an eyebrow waggle as I climbed out of her car. She popped the trunk and I was pulling my bags out as Josh came trotting out the front door.
“Bye girl,” I hear Angie say as I placed the last of my bags on the ground beside me. I could hear her laughing as she backed out of the driveway.
Josh rushed over, grabbed the luggage and paused to give me a quick peck on my cheek. “Hey baby! I missed you!” He seemed truly elated to see me which made me feel ten times worse about what I knew was coming. As I crossed the threshold of the front door, I felt even worse. There were candles everywhere and a small envelope on the end table in the hall. Josh’s eyes followed my gaze. “Go and open it,” he said eagerly. I could tell he’d worked hard to surprise me and awaiting my reaction. I gave him my warmest smile as I reached for the envelope. Inside was a card that read:
Erin,
You are one of the best things in my life. You are driven, ambitious and challenge me to grow and face obstacles that may come my way. Because of you I want to be a better man. I want be the same inspiration for you. Today and always. I love you.
Josh
Damn it!!
I felt the tears peaking at the corners of my eyes. He was making this impossible. There was no way I could tell him now. I didn’t want to ruin this moment. My love for Josh was genuine and if nothing else, he deserved to have this night be special. If this was going to possibly be our last night together, I wanted it to be one filled with good memories.
I’ll talk to him when the time is right.
I pressed my lips gently against Josh’s and closed my eyes. I searched myself for all the moments of love and tenderness that he’d given me. I needed them now to overshadow the guilt that felt, like it was seeping from my pores.
Just be in this moment.
I urged myself. When I opened my eyes, I realized Josh’s were open too. I watched his troubled glance change back to joviality as he grabbed my hand and led me to the staircase covered in rose petals. “Follow them.” He ushered me up the steps.
As I climbed the staircase, my legs felt like lead. I wasn’t sure I could go through with this, even though I wanted to. It still felt forced, until I walked into the bedroom. What I saw blew me away. Josh had found a way to make the walls reflect blue ocean water. Floating across the wall were giant sea turtles, seahorses and vibrant, colorful fish. “I know that day that I didn’t let things progress naturally and that I haven’t really done that since. I’m ready to do it now.” Josh gazed at me with sincerity as he gripped my hands. “I want to be everything you want and all that you need, so I thought we could go back to the beginning and start fresh so you can have now what you couldn’t have then.” The image of the day at the aquarium flashed in my mind. I recalled how feverish I’d been for him that day, wanting him to take me right then and there.
We had passion once.
Josh had been a gentleman that night. It wasn’t because he’d lacked passion it was because he respected me.
Why wasn’t that enough? Surely I haven’t become so comfortable with being disrespected that I can’t appreciate when a man has restraint? Do I really need him to be some rowdy, wild lover for him to be good enough?
Josh pulled me in close and I broke away from my thoughts. I yielded into his embrace. I wanted him to take over and show me everything he had planned. I needed to know it was possible for him to dominate. Josh bent down and kissed me slow and deep as he guided me toward the bathroom. “Come here.” The entire room was covered in candles. Rose petals made a trail to the tub and floated amidst the bubbles in the water. Beside the tub, sat a bottle of champagne and two glasses. Josh turned in my direction and began to undress me. I let him. I didn’t think about anything else. I watched his fingers undo the button on my jeans and he pulled them down. I didn’t stop him as he lifted my shirt up over my head. Josh kissed me gently against my neck as he reached behind and unhooked my bra. I stood there bare-breasted as he reached down and slid off my panties. Bare and exposed I awaited his instruction. I wanted so desperately to bend to his will. I wanted him to take charge. I needed it. “Go get in the tub,” he growled. My pulse quickened in anticipation. Josh’s presence was as commanding as his words. I immersed myself in the warm water and watched as he poured bubbling champagne into each glass. He handed me one and I downed it right away hoping to loosen up a bit. He gave an inquisitive eyebrow raise as he filled the glass again. “Long flight, huh? Well, hopefully I can help you relax. Do you mind if I join you?”
Nervous about the possible resurfacing of my conflicting emotions, I hesitated. What if I couldn’t keep the images of Mike and the actions with Josh separate? It had happened before and now there were even more scenes to choose from. I could practically still feel Mike’s hands on my body, and the thought of him evoked his scent into my nostrils. I took another long swig of the champagne and hoped I could put my subconscious into a stupor long enough to get through the evening.
It won’t be the first time you’ve had sex just for the sake of sex, but it will be the last. Suck it up for tonight.
I felt the exact second when I flipped the mental switch. The Erin I had programmed myself to be was taking over. I became functional instead of personal as I lilted out a sultry, “No, I don’t mind. Come get wet with me,” and flashed a seductive smile. There was no room for guilt or fear. This was about pleasure.
I watched as Josh undressed. His body was undeniably impressive. His biceps flexed as he unbuttoned his shirt and revealed the crease etched in the center of his chest beneath the white undershirt, painted over his sculpted frame. As he pulled the thin fabric up and over his head, he revealed the eight ripples of perfection chiseled into his abdomen. They flexed as he maneuvered out of his pants. I could already see the firm rise in his boxers even before he pulled them down and freed himself from the cotton confines. There was no denying that Josh possessed all the goods to be outstanding in the sack.
Time to put all that strength and virility to good use.
I looked up to find Josh smiling knowingly at my eyeing his swell. He slowly slid down into the opposite side of the tub and I slid my legs on top of his and scooted forward. Josh didn’t wait for an invitation, he pulled me in closer to him and parted my lips with his tongue. I welcomed it and closed my eyes. I hoped this time would be different. Maybe it would be everything I’d been hoping for. Maybe he wouldn’t hold anything back and show me how things could be. I felt every reservation melt away until there was nothing left but longing. I could feel his hardness press against my flesh. I pushed my hips back and forth creating friction between us that caused a sigh to break free from my lips. Josh grabbed the sponge and lathered it as he scrubbed my chest and shoulders. Suds cascaded down and over my nipples and as I leaned my head back, Josh slid his tongue against my neck up to my ear. “I want to give you everything you want,” he panted. He wrapped his mouth around one of my soapy mounds and sucked hard enough to cause a tinge of pain. Now everything in me was awake. I grabbed the back of his head and pressed his face into my chest. “Don’t stop.” I moaned as he squeezed my nipple between his teeth. Another jolt of pain and I was set ablaze. He pulled me up to my feet and proceeded to scrub the rest of my body. I was scared to close my eyes. I knew images of Mike were waiting behind my lids. He had been the man washing my body not more than forty-eight hours ago.
Josh stepped out of the tub with a very present, full erection and grabbed a towel. He wiped down briefly and beckoned for me to step out. As he dried my body, he traced kisses along my shoulders and down my chest before gently taking my left breast into his mouth. I looked down at Josh’s tongue playing against my left nipple before it did the same to the right. “Come on, let’s go to the bedroom,” he rasped. I followed his lead back into the aquatic oasis. His kisses were passionate and eager as he backed up toward the bed. Desire mounted as his thickness pressed against my throbbing heat. Even though my mind was still unsure, there was no question that my body wanted him. I probably should have stopped there, but I didn’t. I watched as he laid down on the bed in front of me.
“What are you doing?” I was genuinely confused. Typically things started with me laying down in front of him.
“Whatever you want to do.” He replied as his eyes glanced down to the swell between his legs. My eyes widened with surprise, at first. Then they narrowed into mischief. I wanted to know just how far he would let me go.
This could change everything.
I thought. I took it slow at first as I climbed on top of him and kissed his chest, teasing his nipple with my tongue. I slowly ventured down and followed the trail of hair leading the way to his manhood, planting rows of kisses along the way. Finally, I slid down to the floor and gripped his thickness in my hand. He didn’t flinch. I inched closer to him, all the while checking his face for any response. There was something different in his eyes I couldn’t place, but still, he didn’t push me away. I wrapped my lips around him and when he didn’t waver, I closed my eyes and thought about how much I’d wanted this. I thought about how I had satisfied Mike and how I wanted Josh to know the same pleasure.
He has no idea how good this can be. I want to be the one to show him.
I was enthralled in my own thoughts as I urgently sought his end. I felt him stiffen and I knew he was close. At that moment, Josh shoved me aside and took off into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Now this shit is too weird!!
I tried to reel in the feelings of disappointment and frustration before going to the bathroom door. I knocked softly before cracking it open partially and peeking in.
Josh was sitting on the edge of the tub with his head in his hands. “I shouldn’t have let you do that; at least not until we really talked about it. I just wanted so badly to please you. I hate that what I’ve gone through is creating a barrier in our relationship.”
“What are you talking about Josh?”
Without looking up he continued, “It was so long ago and I thought I was over it until now.”
“You aren’t making sense,” I said. He was shaking his head now like he wanted to escape a bad image. I moved closer to him slowly and placed my hand on his shoulder as I sat down beside him. I realized then that he’d kept his face covered because he was in tears.
This is deeper than I thought.
Now concern blanketed my face as I rubbed his back and asked, “Are you ok? Do you want to talk?”
“I am so sorry that I can’t be the man that you need me to be! My past has resurfaced in a way that I wouldn’t ever have expected,” Josh said. I inched in closer and wrapped my arms around him.