Authors: Unknown
“Josh, honey, I don’t understand.” He lifted his face from his hands and looked at me with tear-filled eyes and released a heavy-hearted sigh before beginning.
“When I was seven, my mother had a really bad addiction to heroine. She’d go on binges and sometimes leave me and my older brother home alone for days at a time. Jacob was twelve and he managed to take care of us those times she was gone. Once when she was about to leave us again, I begged her to take me with her. I told her I wouldn’t get in her way or bother her and that I just wanted to be with her. I don’t know what convinced her to let me tag along.” I could see Josh had gone somewhere else in his mind. He was reliving the moment as he stared blankly at the soap dispenser on the sink. I grabbed his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, encouraging him to go on. “She took me with her to what appeared to be an abandoned house. Inside there were a bunch of rooms with people huddled up in them doing drugs or waiting to get them. We headed straight for the kitchen, which was like a front office for the worst kind of business. She told me to wait in the doorway while she went in. I could see her talking to the man sitting on the other side of the table. There was a woman seated next to him who got up from the table and came over to take me away from the kitchen. She told me that my mother and the man had to handle some business and that she would keep me company until they were finished. I saw my mother and the guy head down one end of the hall into a room and the woman took me into a room at the opposite end of the hall. What happened after that changed my life more than my mother’s addiction ever could.” Josh looked down at the floor as though he was intently studying the tile. I rubbed his shoulder intently as his head dropped lower into his chest and his breathing became more rapid.
“Are you sure you want to go on? I’ll understand if you don’t.” It broke my heart to see him that way. Whatever he was about to tell me was the thing that had broken him and he’d carried the burden of the secret all these years.
Josh looked over at me, his lips pursed to keep them from trembling. “I need to tell you this. I want you to understand why things are the way they are.” He ran a hand over his face and wiped the damp streaks from his cheeks before he continued. “That monster took me into an empty room and told me we were going to play Simon Says. During the game, she told me to do a lot of things. They all felt wrong, but I was afraid, and she was an adult so I did what she said. She had me strip down and when I was naked, she said, ‘Simon says let me kiss you.’ I cringed at her touch as she treated my seven year old body like it belonged to a grown man. She put her mouth in places that no child should experience or even know about. I didn’t want to respond to her actions, but my body did what was natural. She made me feel what I never knew I could feel. All the while, I knew it was wrong and I had no power to control what was happening. I remember thinking how badly I wanted my mother to come in and save me. I remember being afraid that I might get into trouble if my mother came in and found me naked. I recall the guilt that followed the involuntary response of my body. When my mother finally did show up at the door, she wasn’t my mother. She was a drugged-up zombie who seemed annoyed that she had to wait on me to get dressed. She never said a word to the woman. She never questioned her or reacted at all. I can still see clearly the smirk on the man’s face, standing behind her. It was the same man who she’d left with. It wasn’t until years later that I really understood what happened to me.” Josh pulled his hand from mine and joined it with his own. I could see him struggle to control the shaking in his limbs as he went on. “It took me a long time to even be intimate with a woman in any way. Even then I’ve never let them do anything like what that horrible woman did to me! She stole so much from me and I have worked hard to regain most of it. I thought I would be able to move forward into a committed, long-term relationship, but being with you has brought up a lot of things I didn’t expect.”
I sat there silently. Now I was studying the tile flooring. I could never have imagined that this was the reason Josh couldn’t do all of the things I’d insisted upon. Guilt washed over me as I recalled my disappointment in him for not giving me everything I wanted in the bedroom. I’d never considered the cause for his denial. It was only important to me that he wasn’t meeting my needs. I’d been an egotistical ass and even gone outside of our relationship intent on my own fulfillment.
I have got to be the most selfish, coldhearted bitch ever.
I wanted to cry, but I knew I had no room to do so. Josh had already been through so much and now I had added to it all. I owed it to him to see him through getting the help he needed to get beyond his barriers. I had to support him the same way he’d supported me.
“Josh, maybe you should talk to someone. I haven’t been seeing my therapist long, but she’s already been very helpful in getting me to sort out past events in my head, in a way that I can work on one issue at a time.” I desperately wanted to find a way to remove the hurt. No one deserved to go through what he had. For him to still be willing to try to move forward from it all, and be the man he’d become was nothing short of amazing. Again I wrapped my arms around him and felt him relax into my embrace. Josh clasped his arms around my waist and kissed me lightly on the neck. “Come on Josh, let’s go to bed,” I said as I led him back into the bedroom. I watched him tuck his still naked body beneath the covers. I slipped on my nightgown and climbed into bed beside him. It didn’t feel right to curl up against him now for even more reasons than before. I didn’t know how he would respond but didn’t want him to feel alone so I stretched out my hand and groped for his beneath the covers. He clasped his fingers between mine and I listened in the darkness until I heard the peaceful rhythm of his slumber. I hoped there would be no demons to haunt him through the night, but if there were, I was determined to make sure he didn’t have to face them alone.
*****
When I rolled over, I realized Josh wasn’t near. Half asleep I raked my hands across the bed in search of his frame and my fingers found a slip of paper lying on his pillow. I forced my eyes to focus as I deciphered the letters swimming on the page. The note said:
Erin,
I apologize for leaving in the middle of the night, but I needed to get away for a little while. I’ve gone back to my apartment in the hopes of clearing my head. There are a lot of feelings that came with the resurfacing of old memories and I need some time and space to work through it. I’ll be in touch with you soon and I hope you’re not angry with me for leaving like this. Please know that I love you and I am doing what I need to do to make this work for us.
I placed the note on my nightstand and lay there staring at the ceiling. He’d gone home in the middle of the night. I had no idea where that left us, I still hadn’t told him anything that happened and I was still raw with emotion about what he’d revealed the night before. It was all beginning to make some sense to me now. His passive behavior and desire to please me, it was about pleasing his mother. The last thing I wanted was to be my man’s mother!
This is not about you! Pull your head out of your own selfish ass long enough to be there for a man who has done nothing but be there for you!
I scolded. I sat down at the kitchen table and took a huge swig of my coffee as I flipped through the mail. I dialed my therapist’s number and waited for the voicemail to pick up. “Hello Dr. Stevenson, this is Erin Porter. I wanted to schedule an appointment for a session with you as soon as possible. Please return my call when you get this message.” I laid the phone on the table and pulled out my laptop. I created a spread sheet of my monthly expenses, figuring it would help me decide just how long of a leave of absence to take. I figured I could easily take three months leave without having to shuffle any funds around.
My next step was reassigning my patients and getting everything in line at the office. I kept questioning myself through the process. It was hard to believe that I was literally sitting there planning to take a leave of absence from the one and only stable, secure thing in my life. Medicine was calculated and I knew the equation forward and backward. It was second nature to me and I was about to step away from the comfortable and familiar for all that was completely unknown.
While I was going through case files and writing out instructions for the physicians of the reassigned patients, my phone buzzed... I picked it up and answered. “Hello.”
“Ms. Porter, this is Dr. Stevenson’s office calling to schedule your appointment. Is there a day and time that work best for you?” I knew I needed a few days to get things in order at the hospital so I scheduled for Thursday at four.
When I hung up with the therapist, I dialed Angie’s number. I figured the least I could do was give her a heads up on everything that was about to go down. She wasn’t one that dealt well with spontaneous change and I respected her enough not to blindside her.
“Hey girl,” Angie chimed. Before I could get a word in she started in. “So tell me everything! It looked like Josh had some plans for you last night!” I could hear the smile in her voice as she anticipated some romantic ending.
She’ll never see this one coming.
“Well, let’s just say the evening was a whole lot of nothing I could have ever expected! It started ok. He was really romantic with rose petals and candles. He had drawn me a bubble bath and even had champagne chilling.”
“Okaaaay! That sounds really nice, but your story sounds like it may take a turn somewhere Erin.”
“That’s because it does! Of course he wanted to show me that he was ok with me going down on him, and it was actually going well, but right before he was about to… you know… He jumps up and takes off to the bathroom!”
“What,” Angie sounded as confused as I’d been when it all happened.
“Yes, Angie! Seriously, it turns out that he had a really traumatic experience as a child. Without going into specifics, he was taken advantage of sexually when he was seven! He said he was over most of it and thought he was ready for a serious relationship, but that us being together has shown him otherwise. When I woke up this morning, he was gone! He left me a note about trying to sort through his issues and that he’d be in touch.”
“Wow!! That is deep! So what are you gonna do now? Are you guys still a couple or what? What does this mean for you and Mike? Whew, you have too much going on!”
“I still want to stand by him and see him through this tough time like he did for me. Besides, it just doesn’t seem like the right time to say anything. If I end it now, it looks like I’m doing it just because he told me the truth about his past. I want to make sure that if and when I talk to him about our relationship it’s based on our actual situation, and there’s nothing else to confuse the issue.” I couldn’t even think that far ahead. It seemed wrong to be considering things with me and Mike when Josh had dropped such a bomb. There was no way I could up and leave him. He didn’t deserve that or any of the other anguish he’d been through. There was also still a possibility that we could overcome all of it. My indiscretion, his past, my past. Maybe we could get past everything.
“Yeah, I guess you do need to wait for the right time to talk to him about everything. That’s awful, those things happened to him!” I could tell Angie’s response was heartfelt. It was all too heavy for me to revisit and I still had other things to sort out so I switched gears.
“The real reason I called you was to let you know that I’m taking a leave of absence from work. I just need time to focus on myself and my life. I wanted to go over some of the changes that need to take place at work. I’ll need you to have my back on this because I’m sure it will seem totally out of left field to everyone else.”
“Ok, but for the record it seems totally out of left field to me too! What’s really going on with you? I mean, I know you were having some trouble sorting through your feelings about Josh and Mike, but that shouldn’t require a leave of absence. Is there something you need help with? Is there anything I can do?” Again Angie’s voice was laced with concern.
“No, it is not about the guys. It actually has very little to do with them at all, other than the fact that spending time with both of them has shown me some things about myself that I need to work on. I don’t need help with anything other than the work stuff and maybe someone to come by to check on my house and get my mail.”
“Wait a minute! You’re
leaving
leaving? Like, going away out of town or something? Where are you going?!”
“Angie, I haven’t worked out all of the details yet, but I could
really
use your help and support. I promise I will keep you updated and stay in touch. Now, can we get back to these records, please?!” Going back and forth about plans I hadn’t even made yet was exhausting. As much as I wished there was a way to keep everything afloat and still figure out why I made such shitty decisions in my personal life. If I was going to truly get to the root of my issues, I needed to focus on them completely. I went over the necessary preparations that Angie would need to make and told her I would give her all the medical records and dictation for my patients no later than Wednesday.
Once we’d settled all the business, of course, Angie went right back to our previous conversation. “So you’re sure you’re alright and don’t need me to do anything? Erin, I’m your friend. I don’t mean to be intrusive, but I’m concerned. If you say you’re good, I’ll have to believe you, but know that if you need me for
anything,
don’t wait, don’t think about it or hesitate. You call me! I love you girl!”
“I love you too Angie. I promise I’ll call if I need anything. Bye.”
Meditation was next on my agenda. I grabbed my yoga mat, laid it out on my living room floor and sat down Indian-styled. The light of the sun washed over me through every window and I relaxed beneath its warmth as I closed my eyes. I settled into the pattern of my breath and began my mantra: