Authors: Unknown
“You know Erin, I’ve been through a lot of dark shit and I feel like I’ve still managed to turn out to be a halfway decent human being. I busted my ass trying to give you the caring I thought you wanted; maybe even needed, but you were too wrapped up in yourself to see it. I fell in love with you and I thought we were in a good place. I should have known better. You’re so used to being used that you don’t know how to be loved.” I felt my eyes widen and my jaw drop.
Who the hell is he talking to and what has gotten into him?
“What are you talking about Josh? You’re still not being clear,” I said with frost framing each word.
“Well, let me see if I can say this clearly,” Josh began. “I did come over there today to get some of my things because, like I said on the message, I didn’t want to come back until I could make things right
for you
! I was in the closet making sure I had gotten everything I needed and I found a black bandana on that shelf where you
think
you’ve been hiding your little toys. It didn’t strike me strange at first until I flashed back to that night at the auction and the musician I’d seen wearing it. The same musician I found you awkwardly talking to outside the bathroom. That night I thought he might have been hitting on you, but when I saw the bandana it all became clear.” I felt my chest tighten and my stomach drop. This wasn’t the way the conversation was supposed to happen. I’d never planned to hurt Josh. He was right when he said he’d been nothing but kind to me. I knew I had hurt him deeply because he’d never spoken to me with such malice before.
“Josh, I won’t ask you to let me explain because it won’t change anything. All I can do is apologize.” Josh cut in.
“No, I think an explanation is required here and deserved! Go ahead, explain yourself!”
I tried to find the right words before I began. “Please know that I
never
set out to hurt you or cheat on you. In fact, he was someone I met around the same time I met you and when we saw him at the auction, nothing had happened since you and I had gotten together. I saw him unexpectedly in Vegas and things got out of hand. I was planning to tell you everything, so that we could evaluate our relationship, but when I came home everything went differently than I expected and there hasn’t really been a good time to talk since then. I really am sorry. I swear I was going to tell you when the time was right. I don’t know what else to say… Are you still there?”
The phone was silent for what felt like forever before Josh said, “So you cheated on me?” His voice was barely audible. “A part of me had really hoped he was just an ex you may have still had feelings for, but you’ve confirmed what the other part of me suspected. You know, you may never find whatever it is you’re looking for because you don’t value anyone other than your fucking self! You like to dictate how everything is going to go in your life, but you couldn’t seem to dictate the truth out of your mouth! I suppose if I hadn’t found out on my own I would have never known, huh? I’m glad I found out sooner rather than later the kind of person you
really
are! I should have known by the way you kept trying to go down on me like some common whore in the street that this was inevitable!”
“Now wait just a damned minute. The one thing you’re not going to do in this conversation is berate me, belittle me or call me
anything
other than my name. YES, I cheated! Was that wrong? YES! You have every right to be hurt and angry and I know that you don’t mean all of these things you’re saying. You are not this person. I’m so sorry I’ve pushed you to such a dark place. You’re right, there were some things lacking in our relationship that I should have talked to you about directly
before
things happened the way that they did, but I can’t change that now. You also should have
mentioned
before last night your reasons for being hesitant in the bedroom, but you didn’t. I don’t want to go back and forth about it. All I can do is apologize. I hope that one day we can get past this, but for today I’m just going to hang up before any more harsh words are shared. I wish things could have been different, but I’ll have to accept them as they are. Goodbye Josh.”
“Erin,” His voice was eerily calm. “You
don’t
decide when I’m done speaking and you don’t get to end this conversation on your terms. I’m not the one who fucked up here, you are. You’re the one who put our relationship to the side so that you could act like a bitch in heat! I hear your apology, but it doesn’t do much considering the fact that you never once thought about us before or while you were screwing a damned near random man in Vegas. You’re right, typically this isn’t me, but don’t mistake being kind for being weak, because I am far from it. I had the strength to love you when you were broken –despite the fact that you tried to push me away because of your own insecurities. When you look back on all this, you remember that!
Now
our conversation is over!” I heard the click on the other end of the receiver and that was it.
I stomped upstairs to find things in my room were perfectly intact. Yet I still felt as though it had been ransacked.
I wonder how long he’s known about my hiding place and why he never said anything. Shit, if he wasn’t so damned reserved I wouldn’t have had to hide them in the first place.
My head was spinning. Thoughts were whirling out of control and I could feel an anxiety attack in the making. I scrolled through my phone and dialed Dr. Stevenson’s office to inquire if there was an appointment available before Thursday. Her receptionist scheduled me for tomorrow at two. The break up combined with what I’d had found out about Josh, plus my own cheating, and my controlling issues had all created one giant, painful abscess on my life. I knew I needed a professional to assist with its removal.
This is all getting to be too much. What was I thinking trying to dive head first into a relationship? I clearly can’t handle all that goes along with it.
It was overwhelming, but I willed myself not to cry.
Instead, I dialed Angie’s number and left a message for her to get the girls together and meet me at O’Brian’s. I stressed that it was an emergency. My heart was heavy over the way things had happened with Josh, but I’d never been the type to wallow in self-pity.
A trip to the bar is exactly what this day requires.
*****
Again I was at the bar with my beloved bartender Chris. I’d already downed two tequila shots before I noticed the arrival of my friends. I waved them over and ordered two shots for each of them. It was Karaoke night at O’Brian’s and I was still trying to find the right tactic to convince the girls to join me on the stage. In my mind, I was killing two birds with one stone. I was starting my new adventure by performing in public and drowning out the sting of my breakup with Josh. “You girls need to catch up,” I yelled to Angie over the blare of loud music and off-key vocals.
Angie eyed me with a raised brow. “Why do we need to catch up? You’re the one going up there to make a fool of yourself!”
“Umm, I beg your pardon
Angela
! We’re all going to do this together! It could be our last girls’ night for a while. Humor me!” I was pretty satisfied with my guilt trip ask I worked on a beer Chris slid in front of me. I watched as Angela knocked back her first shot and grabbed a lemon wedge from the cup in front of me. She grimaced as her lips puckered around the slice of citrus. I shifted my gaze to Feliz next who took her shot straight; no chaser and flashed me a “take that bitch” smile. Amber was still trying to get the shot glass close enough to her face to take a sip. She plugged her nose and took a gulp and followed it up with a series of coughs.
Angie handed her a lemon and said, “Damn girl! You didn’t even take the whole shot! Put on your big girl panties and finish it up!” Once again Amber took the glass to her lips and tilted her head back as she let the liquid slide down her throat. After which, she then promptly asked the bartender what goes well with tequila.
“I could make you a tequila sunrise with your other shot if you like.” Chris looked amused as Amber clenched her teeth down around the lemon wedge and scrunched up her nose.
Amber snatched the wedge from her mouth. “Tequila sunrise has to be better than this. Yes, please give me one of those!” I accepted the compromise since we all knew Amber was the light-weight of the bunch when it came to drinking.
“Ok, so what song should we do,” I asked as we flipped through pages of the song book next to the DJ.
“I think it should be something where there is a lead and background parts since you’re the singer of the group Erin,” Angie said.
“Oooooh! Let’s do Independent Women by Destiny’s Child!! I know it’s old, but I’m feeling that right now.” I shrieked. The shrill sound of my voice surprised me and I waited for my friends’ reactions. After a few eye rolls and moans they all agreed.
“We should do the Charlie’s Angels pose at the end,” Amber exclaimed. Feliz and Angie looked uncertain, but I chimed in, “Hell, why not?!”
Before we knew it, it was our turn to take the stage. “Ladies and Gentleman let’s give a warm round of applause for this next group of ladies as they come up. Erin, Angie, Amber and Feliz, you’re up,” the DJ said over the speaker. I swallowed down the last of my beer before heading toward the stage, my three friends ambling reluctantly behind me.
When the beat came in we sprang to life. We waggled our hips seductively and bounced to the music. I was glad I managed to make it through the entire song without knowing all the words. And my backup singers; they were humorously horrible, but we were all too tipsy to care. When the song was over and we had stricken our dramatic pose, each of us took a bow and the crowd clapped and hooted. Once again, amidst the clamber, one voice stood out distinctively. I knew he was there, but I didn’t know why. As we made our way back to the bar, I turned to Angie and said, “I’ll be right back. I need to go to the restroom.” I tried my best to be nonchalant as I made a beeline toward the front entrance and down the short hall to the ladies' room. I stalled a moment before I went in hoping maybe he would show up behind me. To my disappointment he didn’t show so I went on in.
When I came back out again I lingered again, but nothing. As I took my long exaggerated steps back to the bar, I scanned the crowd for his face but didn’t see him. I was just about to dismiss it all as my mind playing tricks on me when the buzz of my phone gave my breast a surprising jolt.
I forgot I stuck that there.
I thought as I pulled the phone from my bra. To my surprise the message was from Mike.
Hey Miss Erin! I saw you doin’ your thing up there! It was beautiful. You looked… carefree! I haven’t seen that side of you before; at least not dressed and standing upright, lol! If you ever decide you want to warm the mike again, you let me know. I’ll save a spot for you in the band. Enjoy the rest of your night.
I re-read the message and smirked at his play on words.
Warm the mike,
I thought.
I’d like to set the mike on fire!
That made me laugh aloud. I chuckled all the way back to the bar where the girls were still chattering about our performance.
“Ladies and gentlemen, Beyoncé,” Feliz exclaimed. They burst into a trio of applause and even the bartender joined in. I laughed and took a bow.
“Thank you guys so much for doing it with me. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. It was actually a lot of fun. I would do it again tonight!”
“Whoa, let’s not get carried away,” Angie replied abruptly. “I saw your friend in here cheering you on,” she leaned over and said in my ear. I could feel the heat rising in my neck and concentrated hard on not letting it show up in my face. Even though Angie didn’t know everything that happened, her comment made me feel exposed. I was doing my best to keep my mind off of Mike, but some force of nature kept pulling us together.
Even though Mike’s existence is currently the only bright spot in my dismal personal life, right now I can’t afford to focus on anything but me.
It made me sad to think about how different things had become in just a few short days. I resumed my original task of washing away the pain with a tequila shot. I downed it, slapped the glass down on the bar and scurried over to snag the table that had just become available. Angie, Amber and Feliz followed me over and they all scooted in close to me so we could hear each other over the booming music.
“So what gives, Erin,” Feliz asked. “What was the emergency that we all had to come out for on a Monday night?”
“Josh and I broke up today.” Before I could continue Amber exclaimed,
“What?!! Why?!! You two were doing so well!”
“Amber, how the hell would you know? You’ve never even met him or seen us together! He could have been whooping my ass for all you know!”
“Oh no, was that happening?!” Amber interjected. I fought hard against the urge to roll my eyes, but Angie and Feliz didn’t.
“Anyway,” Angie said giving Amber a final side-eye before shifting her focus to me. “You two broke up. Does this have anything to do with our prior conversation?” I locked into an intense gaze with Angie and nodded slowly.
“Yes, it does.” I dragged out the phrase intentionally hoping Angie would get the hint.
I saw her eyes get wide and I knew she’d gotten my message. “Ohhh, ok. Well, damn! That’s too bad. What are you going to do now? Does all this have anything to do with you taking time off?” Angie already knew the answer, but I could tell she was trying to redirect the focus of our conversation before Amber and Feliz got to asking questions. They took the bait and perked up to hear my response.
“Actually, my leave of absence is about me. I’ve decided I want to try some new things and be more adventurous and just all-around more brave. I feel like my life has been very safe, straight and narrow—aside from my sexscapades of course. Anyway, I wouldn’t mind putting a few curves in this journey just to make the scenery more interesting, you know? This route 66 lifestyle has served its purpose and now it’s time for me to do something else.”