Authors: Unknown
The winter breeze coming back up from the water hit me head on as I stepped from the car. It made the temperature feel even lower than it actually was and I immediately reached for my coat, scarf, hat and gloves in the back seat. “I think our trip is going to be short lived Feliz. It’s freezing out here! I hope you can get a few good pics. Maybe I can sketch them later, but I don’t foresee us staying out here long.”
“Well, what if we go sit in one of the restaurants up top by the window? I can get a few shots and then we can go inside,” Feliz said. That was a fair compromise and I stifled the chatter of my teeth long enough to let Feliz get shots of the skyline, shops on the pier and a group of people walking by. That one may have been the best picture. It was a group of friends huddled closely together walking chin-to-chest against the wind as their colorful scarves flapped helplessly in the wind. I made up my mind that if the shot came out like the image in my head, it would be the one I would sketch. Feliz pulled the camera from her face and said with trembling lips, “I’m good. Let’s head inside. We can scroll through the pics. Maybe there will be a couple of shots you can use. I could do them in black and white or in color.”
“I’m sure their all great. Let’s talk more about this
inside.
” I was already speed walking my way toward the restaurant and resisted the urge to break out into a full on sprint.
Shit it’s cold!
Inside the restaurant, we found a table with a full view of the pier and the skyline. The thought of sketching Feliz’s pic instantly melted away as I stared out the window at the sunset reflecting against the water and the silhouette of the skyline against the backdrop of faint pink graduating to purple as dusk blanketed the sky. A breath caught in my chest and I snatched up my sketch pad and began furiously stroking colored pencils against the paper. When the waiter came I mumbled my order of a Caesar salad, the soup of the day and hot tea before tuning him out completely as he turned to Feliz to take her order. I couldn’t scratch down the image fast enough. The daylight was fading and now I was working from the image burned in my mind. I continued to shade, blend and smudge the drawing until it looked close to what I’d seen minutes before. When I finally popped my head up from the sketch pad Feliz was chewing a mouthful of her cheeseburger and gawking at me with an unblinking stare. “I would have made some small talk, but I didn’t want to disturb you. The only other time I’ve seen you in the zone like that is during surgery!” Feliz was clearly in awe and I couldn’t figure out why until I looked down at the table and saw my warm salad and cold soup next to my cell phone that told me I’d been sketching for over an hour.
That’s impossible.
“I’m so sorry Feliz! How rude of me. I didn’t realize so much time had passed. I guess I’ll have them pack this food to go because the art class will be starting soon.” I waved the waiter over and asked to have the food wrapped up and for the check. “I’ll pay for lunch. It’s the least I can do for ignoring you for the past hour.” She didn’t protest as she slid her check across the table to me. I smirked and handed both tickets and my debit card over to the waiter.
When he returned, we gathered our things and rushed back to the car. I wheeled out of the parking space and into the thickening evening traffic that reminded me it was still a weeknight in Chicago. I turned to Feliz briefly at a red light, beaming with excitement. “It’s all coming back to me Feliz. I used to sit for hours in my free time and sketch as a way to decompress from school and all the other stressors of life during college. It feels really good to be doing art again.” I gushed before returning my attention back to the road.
“Yeah, I could tell you were somewhere else. It’s like something flipped on inside you and took over.” Feliz really was observant. She’d sat there in silence for an hour doing nothing but watching. I wasn’t sure if it was out of amazement or just for the chance to learn something new about me. Maybe it was a bit of both. “I also noticed that you ordered tea and not wine. Did you rededicate your life or something? Since when don’t you drink wine?”
I laughed full out before I told her, “No, I haven’t rededicated or converted. I’m just taking a break from drinking for a while. It was becoming my go-to problem-solver and I want to be fully equipped to handle my own problems. I don’t want to be numb anymore because feeling –whether good or bad- is a part of the journey. I want the full ride -especially if I’m going to be paying for it either way!”
“I can understand that Erin. You need an outlet and if art helps you decompress the same way alcohol used to, then, by all means, do that. I just hope you don’t dry up completely. You are funny as hell when you drink!” Feliz let out a laugh. “Then again, that may be the real you coming out under the influence of the alcohol. Maybe when you get to the core of who you are you won’t even need the alcohol to coax you out of your shell. You’ll be that same funny, fun-loving person all the time.”
I swear I have the smartest friends.
Still something she said struck a chord.
“Well, damn Feliz am I usually that dry?” Her statement had hit a tender spot, but I wasn’t offended. I actually wanted to know what she thought, so I listened.
“I never think you’re dry Erin, just guarded. I think once you learn to trust yourself to
be
who you are, you won’t be so guarded. I look forward to the day I can hang out with that Erin all the time. I know it’s coming. That’s why I was so excited to come out with you today. I know this is just a part of you peeling back another layer and being brave enough to expose another aspect of who you really are.” At that moment, I knew I was surrounded by the best group of friends that any woman could ever want or need. They were smart and grounded and secure enough to not only fall back and let me grow, but to also get in my face with the truth when they knew I needed it.
When we arrived at the art class, we were excited to see the room filled with an array of people. There were some who looked like hippies who were experienced artists, couples just having fun doing something different and then, there were beginner artists. Feliz and I found two seats in the back and slipped on our smocks. A woman and a man dressed in tie-dye shirts came to the front of the room and introduced themselves as Amy and Ryan. They informed us that the group was very informal and each artist could pick from one of their art outlines or free-hand our own original art. They also encouraged the class to break out the libation of their choice in addition to any snacks they may have brought to enjoy throughout the session. The class would last from 6:30-9 p.m. People began getting up and heading over to the art supply table and gathering materials and Feliz and I followed suit.
The time seemed to fly by and at the end of the session, I had what was clearly defined as a painting of the Chicago skyline. I’d chosen it because something in me felt like my sketch was unfinished but this piece felt complete. It fulfilled that deep yearning in me to paint through the emptiness until it was filled with colors, smells and art. I looked over at Feliz’s painting and studied what was either a bowl of lemons, a bucket of flowers or a bowl of popcorn. I neither the heart nor nerve to ask what it was because Feliz seemed genuinely proud of it and I didn’t want to be the one to burst her bubble.
When Feliz leaned around my easel to take a peek, I watched as her eyes grew wide and a look of awe etched its way across her face. “Oh my God Erin! You’re an artist! Seriously, like an actual artist, not one of those ‘I just do this for fun’ types. You have a true gift! How is it that
none
of us knew about this?! Wait, I’m gonna take a picture of it!” Feliz ran out of the studio to my car and grabbed her camera. When she returned several other people in the class had gathered around to admire my artwork. I felt shy and exposed at first, but when I realized people actually genuinely liked the painting I smiled with pride. The rose that kissed my cheeks settled and I basked in the moment. It was different from surgery or anything related to my work. This was about my natural gift, not what I’d groomed myself to be and the success felt… sweeter. It felt
real.
Class wrapped up and people were putting back their supplies and gathering their belongings when one of the instructors came by my station. “You do really nice work. Is there someplace people can see more of your pieces? If you’re interested, we post some of the artist’s work online and make it available for public purchase. We do retain a percentage of the profit, but it serves as a pretty good platform for new artists.” For some reason, I couldn’t hear what she was saying. I could understand what was being said and I knew she was talking, but I couldn’t hear the actual words. I was still sitting there dumbfounded when Feliz nudged me sharply in the ribs with her elbow. I piped up and asked, “Are you asking me if my artwork is for sale?”
Amy, the art instructor, looked confused for a moment then replied hesitantly, “Well, yes. If you don’t want to sell it through our site, that’s fine. We do a promotion board here, as well. You could post some pictures of your pieces and leave your contact information. We like to encourage our artists here.” I cocked my head to the side, still trying to comprehend what Amy was saying.
“They’re saying what I already told you,” Feliz implored. “They’re saying you’re an artist and that your work is good enough to sell!!” I looked over and saw she was beaming. I still hadn’t said an intelligible word and watched as Felix took matters into her own hands. “So how much do you think a piece like this is worth,” she asked.
“Well, we’ve seen our artists sell for as much as a thousand dollars for similar pieces,” Amy replied.
“A thousand bucks, huh? We’ll be in touch!” Feliz grabbed me tightly by the arm and pulled me aside. “Why are you standing there dumbfounded? I told you your artwork was good. I mean
really
good. If that is what you can paint in less than three hours, I can’t wait to see what you paint when you have nothing but time. Your being off right now is perfect! You can paint and sketch and draw all day if you want!”
I was still shocked by the offer from the instructor as we strolled to the car with our artwork in hand. True enough, it had felt amazing to be painting again and my gift had come rushing back as if it had been standing behind a door, just waiting for me to open it. Painting had been second nature. There was nothing forced. My hands knew what to do, when to act and how to exact each stroke of my brush. It felt like I hadn’t really been conscious when I’d created the piece. Everything I’d done had been organic and my feelings maneuvered the colors across the canvas. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d felt so relaxed and liberated. And to have Amy offer to post my work to sell, that was beyond anything I’d expected or imagined. I turned to Feliz before starting the car, “I’m so glad you decided to join me today. I don’t know what came over me in there. I just couldn’t believe they thought my work was good enough to sell! I’m so excited!” On the drive to Feliz’s house, we clambered on about the class and agreed to meet again for another session soon.
As I pulled out of the driveway and headed down the street, I felt a pang of sadness that I didn’t have a significant other with whom I could share my excitement. Feliz was heading in to show off her artwork to her family and I was headed to an empty house. I considered calling Mike. I knew he would be happy to hear from me and to hear my news, but I didn’t want to open the door for a temptation I wouldn’t be able to resist. He would want to come over and see the piece for himself and I knew if he set foot in my house, he would end up in my bed. We had unfinished business and the only reason we hadn’t already resolved it was because I was avoiding being alone with him at all cost.
As for Josh, I knew I would be calling him anyway because this was the day he’d had his first therapy session so without a second thought I dialed his number.
“Hey Erin.” Josh sounded despondent when he answered.
“Hi Josh. I was just calling to check on you. I know your first session was today. How’d it go?” I didn’t really need to ask. His tone told me everything I needed to know.
“I guess it went as it was supposed to. The therapist asked me a bunch of questions about my past and got some background information. He asked me what my goals were and about my expectations for the sessions. It didn’t really get too heavy until close to the end, but I left there feeling like shit. I mean, it’s like stirring up a bunch of toxins, you know? Now I just feel sick and run down. Anyway, how are things with you?”
“Things are good. I see Dr. Stevenson on Thursday. The sessions are rough, I know, but I can tell that as I stir it all up, my mess is getting cleared out. It won’t happen with just one session. I guess it could be compared to an emotional colonic,” I chuckled and Josh did too. I was glad to hear him laugh. “Listen, I think I may have something that will cheer you up.” I said hopefully.
“Is that so,” Josh sounded skeptical but I knew I had roused his curiosity.
“Yes and it is
not
what you’re thinking! Sorry to disappoint you!” Again we shared a laugh and I could hear the heaviness lighten a bit in his voice.
“Aww man, really? Well, I guess a man can dream,” Josh said.
“Would it be alright if I came by for a bit?” I was apprehensive and unsure how he might feel about having me at his place. Before I had a moment to regret asking Josh’s voice boomed over the receiver.
“Of course! As long as you know I am not putting out no matter how much you beg!” “Bye Josh! I’ll see you in a bit.” I was still smiling when I hung up the phone. It felt good to be able to laugh and joke with Josh again. Aside from the other complexities we’d had in our relationship, we actually used to have a lot of fun together and I was realizing that I missed his company.
Chapter Seventeen
After a twenty minute drive to Josh’s apartment, I was sitting in his parking lot contemplating whether or not I’d made a mistake in coming over. My intentions were completely pure and I knew there was no chance of having drunk sex, because I hadn’t had a drink in days.
This is just a visit to cheer up a friend.
He’s no different from the girls –well except for the fact that we used to sleep together! Shit! Maybe this isn’t what either of us needs right now.
I was still going back and forth in my mind when I was startled by a knock on the car window.