When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood (15 page)
Read When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood Online
Authors: Sophia Fraioli,Lauren Kaelin
The Situation
ME
: I am currently in the presence of some of the Jersey Shore cast members.
MOM
: ARE YOU IN JAIL???
Wanted to Share
MOM
: Turn on A&E
ME
: I can’t. I’m not at home. What’s on?
MOM
: It was a show about morbidly obese people and I wanted to share it with you
Yoda
ME
: can you pick me up around 2 at school?
DAD
: yeah, where?
ME
: At school!
DAD
: Yoda is my hero. He is your hero. He should be everyone’s hero. He is the symbol of positive thinking. Be safe and may the force be with you. See you at two. Love daddy
Jeggings
ME
: please look at the website whenparentstext.com
MOM
: dad went to look. he says he doesn’t get it
ME
: hahahahah are you serious? What don’t you get
MOM
: Turn on conan. He’s wearing jeggings.
Miley
MOM
: I wanna buy a new cd. Recommendation off of the top of your head?
(two minutes later)
MOM
: You’re not fast enough. Bought Miley Cyrus. She can’t be tamed.
Serious Discussion
MOM
: are u free
ME
: i’m at work i don’t have any cell service
MOM
: it’s about lil wayne
Unstoppable
DAD
: Lady GaGa is unstoppable.
ME
: You know who Lady GaGa is?
DAD
: Top of the charts in two weeks
Wolves I
MOM
: come home and let’s watch that movie where the wolves attack?
ME
: I think you mean eclipse
ME
: and…..no.
The Worst
DAD
: Fucking Carrot Top is here
Wolves II
DAD
: eclipse just got here. do u want me 2 save it 4 u?
ME
: why are you watching that?
DAD
: the wolves remind me of our dogs
JB
MOM
: We R kewl parents now
ME
: haha why?
(one hour later)
ME
: mom where are you and dad?
(one hour later)
MOM
: JB is so hot.
ME
: Justin Beiber?
MOM
: James Blunt.
MOM
: Went to Boston and saw James Blunt at the House Of Blues. Your parents are so BA (bad ass) hehehe
Products
DAD
: I wish queer eye for the straight guy would come back on. now i dont know what products to use on my face. oh mom wants you to pick up maple syrup
28 Days Later
MOM
: Just watched 28 Days Later. I liked when they went to the Fresh and Easy market, but NOT when the dad got infected.
Crisis
MOM
: Daddy just cancelled HBO what did you do to him this we
MOM
: He. Also cancelled Showtime
ME
: Why?
MOM
: Text him He is cancelling everything!!!!
ALEJANDRO
DAD
: Eleganté, eleganté!
ME
: What the hell is that?
DAD
: You know! That girl. Lady Gaga!
ME
: . . . ALEJANDRO.
Discovery
MOM
: Are you watching tv?
ME
: No, why?
MOM
: There’s a great show on discovery fit and health
ME
: What is it?
MOM
: It’s called my teens a nightmare, I’m moving out
ME
: .......
MOM
: I’m taking notes
Life Is Hard
MOM
: Ok i have a big problem. You think u have it so bad. Wait until i tell u mine.. ok your dad is going to change back to dish network tomorrow n that means i have to watch two weeks of soap operas tonight before they get erased tomorrow. Call me i need to talk to someone about this
Harajuku Girls
MOM
: Will your little cousin Nat like a Harajuku girls bag for christmas
MOM
: It’s cheap cause Im at Marshalls
MOM
: Wait the harajuku girls look kinda slutty
MOM
: Dad said no
MOM
: BUT I LOVE GWEN STEFANI
Ina Garten
DAD
: WHATS A CONTESSA AND WHY IS SHE BAREFOOT
XOXO
MOM
: Guess who’s super hot mom just spotted Blair’s stepdad slurping noodles at a japanese joint in Chelsea. xoxo Gossip Mom*
*A deciding factor in choosing our fantastic literary agent was the fact that his fourteen-year-old daughter submitted this text from his wife.
TV Guide
ME
: I’m bored
MOM
: Star Wars is on spike. Princess Diaries is on Hallmark. Grease is on abc Family.
PG-13
MOM
: Did you see the facebook movie
ME
: Yeah . . . why?
MOM
: You didn’t tell me they curse:o
Disgusted
ME
: Going to see the Justin Bieber movie!!
MOM
: (:&)
ME
: What?
MOM
: That’s my disgusted face. I hate the Beeb.
Backstreets Back
MOM
: Just landed and had Brian Litttrlle from backstreet kids on in First class he said to tell my daughters hello he is so Nice
Ke$ha
MOM
: How do you pronounce Ke$ha? Like Key”dollar sign”haa.
MOM
: Or is it Key”dolla sign”haa, bc that’s more hip? Call me and tell me!
Moulin Rouge
DAD
: Have you seen Mallin Rougue?
ME
: You mean Moulin Rouge?
DAD
: Yea the one with the red wheel barrel and Nickole Kidman*
*There is no such thing as a “wheel barrel.”
3D
ME
: K, dad I bought the tickets.
DAD
: better be for the 3d version.
ME
: aren’t we a little too old for that?
DAD
: 3d or return tickets.
Impressions
MOM
: How much???? (said like Borat)
Jersey Shore
MOM
: Jersey Shore est gross
ME
: So incredible.
MOM
: snooki a mis ses foufounes dans le refrigirateur!!!*
*Translates to:
“Jersey Shore
is gross
.”
“Snooki put her fanny in the refrigerator.” (“Booty” is also acceptable.)
Lauren:
Each member of my family loves Harry Potter in their own way. My mom read it in book club; my dad listened to the books on tape. My sister, a fourth-grade teacher, discusses the symbolism with her students, and my brother, though he won’t admit it, has read every one.
I have preordered the past three books and camped out at midnight for the designated “Kaelin copy.” I get first dibs because I go to the bookstore, then it’s passed to my sister, then to my mom, and then my brother will inconspicuously read the whole book cover to cover.
In the summer of 2005,
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
came out; I was about to be a senior in high school. I got to read it first. My house was very intense for a few days—every time I reacted to something I was reading, my sister would shout “DO NOT TELL ME ANYTHING!”
I finished, Dumbledore died, and—tears in my eyes—I passed the book to my sister. “DO NOT TELL ME ANYTHING!” Days later my sister was almost finished and my mom was anxiously awaiting the book.