Where My Heart Breaks (18 page)

The uneaten food in the picnic basket went back into the truck bed and Reed insisted on helping me up into the cab. He pulled me close to him and buried his nose in my hair.
 

“You smell like sunshine,” he said.

“I have no idea what sunshine smells like, but thanks,” I said with a small smile.

“Are you sure you won’t come back to my place?”
 

“Patrice would kill me,” I said with a sad shake of the head. “I’m still trying to get on her good side. I doubt that would help my case.”

“I don’t think that woman has a good side,” Reed said.
 

He was probably right. Patrice didn’t exactly ooze warmth, even on days when I thought she was in a good mood. She and my mother had that in common. They grew up with four other siblings. My grandfather was career military, and it didn’t take a degree in psychology to see how that translated to my mother’s parenting skills. I always got along better with my dad, but my mom blocked him at every opportunity. If my dad had his say, I would have been able to stay with Millie for the summer while they were in Europe. My mother didn’t trust the St. Johns any more than she trusted me. I often wonder why my mother had a child at all.

“Still, I don’t want to piss her off. If she calls my mother, I’m toast,” I said.

“You’re twenty-one years old, Kate. Why are you letting your mother tell you what to do?” Reed asked.

A familiar feeling of shame threatened to overshadow my post-coital happiness. This was the part where I had to be transparent again, but I wasn’t sure I was ready. Things with Reed seemed so perfect that I didn’t want my past to mess it up. A response like “It’s complicated” would really be code for “shit you don’t want to know”.

“As long as I keep a low profile this summer, my parents will pay for my tuition next year,” I said as I drew away from him. With each word that left my mouth, I felt lower and lower. “I lost all my academic scholarships this past year. If my parents don’t help me out, I’ll have to drop out.”

“What about student loans?” Reed asked.

I pushed back in my seat even further. I explored every alternative I could once I figured out that being dependent on my parents for the fate of my college career meant I essentially gave my mother control of my life. It wasn’t a position I would willingly choose if I thought there was a better way. The only good thing about her decision to send me to the Willoughby was that it had brought me to Reed.

“Assuming I could get any, it wouldn’t be enough to cover my tuition. I already work two part-time jobs to cover the gap of what my scholarships didn’t pay. Or, at least, I had two part-time jobs. I need to find new ones next year.” There was a part of me that wanted to sink into the floorboard, but then I realized that it was nothing that I could change. It was my reality, and maybe Dr. Kreger was right when she told me in our last session that I had to stop apologizing and start owning my mistakes. I lifted my chin and dared Reed to judge me.

His look was pensive and thoughtful. Then he started the truck’s engine. “I should get you home then. I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

I leaned back in the seat and stared out the window. The light, playful mood of a few moments ago had deteriorated. As Reed pulled back out onto the highway, I waited for him to process fully the information that I had shared with him. I was also starting to wonder what happened now. Reed had not said he was considering breaking his “No Date” rule for me. He just gave in to the obvious attraction that had been building between us since the moment we met.
 

I glanced over at his silhouette in the dimly lit cab and was dismayed to find that my body immediately reacted to it. He was so handsome, even when you could only see the lines of his body and face and not the minute details.

“I wouldn’t worry so much about next year.” His voice seemed loud after the heavy stillness.

“It’s only the rest of my life we’re talking about,” I scoffed.
 

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” Reed asked. “You’re forced to drop out and get a job. If you really want it bad enough, you’ll bust your ass to save the money you need to go back and finish in a year or two. And even though you might think that is the worst thing that could happen, you’d be wrong.”

“Why is that?” Everything he said was true, but he was wrong. The idea of dropping out and becoming a failure was the worst thing I could imagine. After everything I had done to pull the grades in high school and my early college career to get the scholarships, I flushed it all down the toilet. Trevor helped pull the handle down, but I couldn’t blame it all on him no matter how badly I wanted to. That would be taking the easy way out. According to my mother, Spiveys didn’t get to take the easy way out. Ever.

“Being forced to live a life you don’t want is the worst thing that could happen to you. You’re letting other people call the shots and make decisions for you based on who they think you should be. The longer you allow that, the harder it’s going to be to change it down the road.”

I had a feeling we weren’t just talking about me anymore. “What happened to Isabelle?” The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. That was probably okay because otherwise I’d never get around to it out of respect for Reed’s feelings and then I’d die from curiosity.

There was a long pause, and I wondered if he was going to brush the question off and change the subject, or tell me to go to hell. I was intruding on something that was obviously a painful memory for him.

When he did begin to speak, his voice was low and soft. I had to strain to hear it. “It was that same night that I drove Izzy to Charlotte. A couple of my buddies were going to UNC and we swung by their apartment before heading back. I had a couple of beers with the guys, and Izzy got pissed that I thought I was going to drive both of us home.”

I felt the ominous build-up and knew that wherever it was leading, it was a place that was painted in Reed’s guilt about his role in Isabelle’s death. Of course, he was either directly or indirectly involved. The scars that he tried so desperately to hide couldn’t have been made any other way. I said nothing to stop the torrent of his words as they seemed to spill out of him.

“We argued about it for at least ten minutes in the parking lot. I was fine, but she refused to get in the car with me behind the wheel. So it was either leave her there or let her drive. I was so mad at her for thinking that I couldn’t handle it, but I had to give her the keys. It was late, and I thought we should stay with my friends, but Izzy insisted she was fine, plus she had to work early the next morning. That was always her way. She was stubborn and headstrong. She knew as well as I did that as long as she didn’t give in, I would eventually let her have her way.”

Reed let loose a long, haggard sigh. “We were about an hour from Bleckerville, and I fell asleep. It was late. The police said that Izzy dozed off at the wheel. The car crossed the center line and hit a truck coming the other way.”

His voice was flat and matter of fact now as I absorbed the horror of his story. “I don’t remember a thing from the time we left Charlotte until a day later when I woke up in the hospital. I had some bumps and bruises and a pretty bad concussion, but otherwise I was fine. I had been thrown from the car upon impact. Izzy wasn’t so lucky. She died instantly.”

I closed the small space between us and reached over to touch his shoulder. He shrugged my hand away. That hurt just a little.

“I’m so sorry, Reed. You must have loved her a lot.” He hadn’t said outright that Isabelle was his girlfriend, but there was no mistaking it from his tone of voice. He had felt something deeply for her, and he still grieved for her.

“I should have been the one driving that night,” Reed replied. “It should have been me. Not her. My last memories of her are that stupid fight. But wait, because the story gets worse.”

I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear anymore. What had happened to Isabelle wasn’t Reed’s fault, but I understood why he blamed himself. “You don’t have to tell me anything else.”

“Yes, I do, because what happened changed everything for me,” Reed said. “Izzy and I started dating when we were in junior high. Everyone knew that eventually we’d get married someday and start a family. I was just a kid, but I kind of accepted it. She was beautiful and smart, and we talked all the time about how we’d move to Charlotte after graduation and go to school. Then we’d get married and move somewhere exotic. It was like my whole life was already planned out for me.”

I felt my stomach clench. Reed’s voice got harder.

“Even though we were underage, Izzy never had a problem with me drinking before, and usually she joined me. That night she refused to have even one sip. She’d been acting out of sorts for days. At the time, I’d been too dumb to see the signs.”

I felt a wave of pity for him. It was horrible to lose someone you cared about so young.

“We weren’t always careful because Izzy was on the pill and said she was covered.”

Now I understood what he meant when he said the story got worse. My throat constricted. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, Reed.”

“I’m sure she was petrified to tell me. I have no idea how I would have reacted to the news. In the span of a few seconds, all of those grand plans for the future disappeared. ”

“I can’t even imagine how you dealt with that,” I said slowly. The sadness I felt wafting from Reed threatened to overwhelm me.
 

Reed pulled into the driveway of the Willoughby. We bumped along in silence and Reed cut the lights of the truck when we were a hundred years out from the house. We coasted to a stop by the path that led around the house. Then he turned and looked at me. The light from the lamppost at the edge of the driveway cast shadows over his face, but his green eyes pierced me.

“I told Izzy that I’d never let anything happen to her. It kills me that I couldn’t keep that promise to her, and to the baby that she carried. I honestly believed that I would never feel about anyone the way that I felt about her. It seemed pointless even to try.”
 

It was an awful story, but I could see the truth in his eyes. Reed didn’t need Walter Moolen’s literary fiction to break his soul. He had pinned his own tragic situation on his psyche and decided somewhere deep inside of him it was all his fault.

“You can’t blame yourself forever. You were just a kid,” I said softly. I reached out to touch him, but he batted my hand away. “It was an accident.”

“I should have told you about Izzy before what happened tonight,” he said. “I don’t date because of her and how I felt about her. I understand that what happened to her and the baby was an accident. Logically, I understand it. But I’ve spent ten years missing her. It never felt right to try replacing her.”

I felt the ghost of Isabelle in the truck with us then. I wanted to hug Reed with all my might and kiss away his pain, but he wasn’t going to let me. He thought I pitied him when all I wanted to do was comfort him.

“So what happens now?” I asked. I was afraid of his answer. I thought that he had felt the same connection that I did, but I wondered if, by dredging up the past around Isabelle, he had rebuilt his walls.

Reed opened his mouth to respond, but then I saw his eyes focus over my shoulder. He grimaced and rubbed a hand over his face. “Incoming.”

“What?” Then I turned around and saw Patrice storming down the path, her narrowed eyes fixated on the truck. “Oh, crap.”

She stopped three feet away from my door and crossed her arms.
 

“I gotta go,” I said. My whole body ached at the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to give Reed a proper goodbye. We also still hadn’t established where what had happened now left us.

“She can’t treat you like a child,” he said. I heard his door start to open, and I whipped back toward him.

“Reed, no! I can take care of myself.”

“This is ridiculous. You haven’t done anything wrong,” he hissed.

“Let me handle this. I’ll talk to you later,” I said hurriedly. The last thing I needed was to have a confrontation between Patrice and Reed.

Quickly I opened the door and slid to the ground. “Hey. What’s going on, Patrice?”

“I assume Mr. Black is leaving?” Patrice said, glaring at Reed’s truck.

“Yes,” I said faintly.

“Good,” she said, spinning on her heel. “You have a phone call to make. Your mother wants to speak with you. Now.”

I felt my stomach drop. I rushed after her. Only once did I cut a glance back over my shoulder. I couldn’t see anything other than Reed’s silhouette in the cab, but he waited until we were out of sight before I finally heard his engine turn over.

As badly as I wanted to hear his answer to my question about our future, I had bigger issues to attend to at hand. If my mother was involved, things were definitely about to take a turn for the worse.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

I tossed and turned in bed trying to block out the aftermath of my conversation with my mother from my mind. My stomach twisted in knots, and it occurred to me again that it seemed impossible for a person’s life to go from so fantastically happy to the depths of despair within a matter of a couple of hours.

“I’m only going to say this one time, Kathryn. If I hear that you are with that man again, our agreement is off. It is unbelievable to me how disrespectful you have been to Patrice, and I am mortified at your behavior. I thought we were past all of this. You claim to be an adult. Well, start acting like one, instead of a lovestruck, hormonal teenager.”

 
I wasn’t able to get a word in edgewise. She steamrolled right over me just like she always did. She was thousands of miles away, and she still managed to reduce me to tears. I felt the force of her will across the distance, and I submitted like a dog before its master. Just like I always did.
 

I handed the phone back to Patrice and escaped to my room before the tears fell. It was bad enough feeling as if I was treated like a five year old. I wasn’t going to cry in front of my aunt. I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction.