Who I Became (Who I Was Book 2) (3 page)

CHAPTER FOUR

LILLIAN

My heart crumbles as the door closes behind Wesson.   I know that I am to blame, and only I can make it better.  I could easily just tell him that I remember. I could tell him that I love him more than life itself and would never be able to forget him. I could tell him all of this and then live my life as the happiest woman in the world. 

However, that is the most selfish thing I could do.  I can’t be selfish anymore.  Braxton died because I was selfish.  I lost my baby because I was selfish.  So it is time for me to sacrifice.  I will sacrifice my life so no one else dies in my name.  I can’t keep going on this path I have been on.  My life is not worth more than anyone else’s.  So as I watch the man of my dreams walk out my room, I refuse to cry because this is what I choose to do and until the death of my loved ones is avenged, I don’t deserve happiness.

I am left alone for awhile. The nurses come in and make sure I am comfortable, which I am not.  I am anxious. I need to know what is going on. I need to know where Park is. I need to not think of where Wesson is, and if he will come back.  I don’t get to worry about that.  Finally, my door opens and in walks Parker.

I can immediately tell something is off, something has happened.  He is stiff and seems upset.  I am just about to ask if Wesson is okay and remember that I can’t slip up around anyone, especially Parker because it won’t take much for him to notice that I may be hiding something. Parker knows me too well. 

He looks up to see me sitting up in the bed and his features soften almost instantly.  He walks over and sits on my bedside, grabbing my hand in the process, giving it a light squeeze.

“How’s my Lilbug?”

“I’m okay Park, just tired, and overwhelmed.”

He nods his understanding then watches the door, almost like he is expecting someone to come in. My guess is he is waiting for Wesson to walk in.  I hadn’t thought of what will happen if Parker tries to tell me about him. 

“Do you remember anything else?” The hopeful tone in his voice did not go unnoticed.

“No.  I remember bits and pieces of things.  I remember Braxton getting us from the school.  I remember his funeral.  I don’t remember much else.”

He opens his mouth to speak, then closes it and looks away.  Whatever he was going to tell me, he decided against it.

“Park? Gessati is dead right? I remember a bit when we were staying at Braxton’s mom’s house and you mentioned he was gone? That we were free?”

He flips his head to me quickly and watches me closely before speaking again.  I can tell he is being calculated with what he is going to tell me.  I feel horrible lying to him.  I feel horrible not telling him everything that I remember but I can’t risk slipping up and mentioning anything about Wes.

“Yeah Lil, he’s dead.  However, sweetie, we didn’t stay at Braxton’s mom’s house.  Remember I told you last night that we didn’t go to Braxton’s funeral?”

What? Why would he be hiding me from that? I told him I remembered the funeral.  I then remember him talking to Wesson. I must have not really gone to the funeral, but it feels so real.  I wonder if I was subconsciously aware that Braxton died, and said goodbye to him the only way I could. 

“Oh. Well, I wish I could have.  I am sure it was beautiful.”

He looks at me and gives me a confused look, but doesn’t press the issue any further.

“Lil, I know you don’t remember.  I have been told to let you remember things on your own. To not overload you with too much, we don’t want your body under any kind of stress.  So, please understand that you have nothing to worry about when I tell you this next thing okay? I don’t want you to worry as we will protect you.  Nothing will happen to you, do you understand?”

I don’t think I want to know where this is going. I also don’t think he is going to stop.  I give my head a slight nod, giving Park the go ahead causing my heart rate to increase visibly on the monitor. He glances at it but I put my hand on his arm. I want this over with.

“Okay, so you are right that Gessati is dead.  However, it seems he isn’t the only one we need to worry about.  I know you won’t understand what I am going to say, since you don’t remember but it’s because you would trust him that I need to tell you.  I need you to understand that you cannot trust Lucas.  He was working with Gessati the whole time and now has Mia.”

I feel as though the breath has been taken straight out of me.  I remember—I remember that Lucas is not the man we thought he was.  I can’t tell Parker that though.  However, what I failed to remember and I hate myself for even more is about Mia.  I forgot she was there, hell I forgot there even was a Mia.  How? I don’t know. 

“Okay, so Lucas isn’t who I remember? And who is Mia?”

“Oh sorry Lil.  Yes, Luke isn’t someone you can trust and as far as Mia, don’t worry about her right now, okay? Why don’t you rest a bit?”

I thought he would tell me more but am kind of happy he doesn’t. I can tell that with what little bit he has talked about Mia, he is worried about her.  I know his tells just as he knows mine.  As much as I want to ask, I don’t.  I am afraid to know how this must be affecting Wesson and feel so much worse knowing that not only am I hurting him but he must be devastated to know that Mia is alive, and yet now kidnapped and taken from him again.

Thinking about all of this starts to drain me and I now know more than ever that this needs to come to an end.  Lucas is no longer hurting Parker and me, now he is hurting the man I love in more ways than one and I just can’t sit back and watch. I finally agree to rest like Parker suggested and just before I finish scooting down in the hospital bed, my door opens and closes. 

My breath catches when I look up to see him.  That man will never stop taking my breath away.  He looks at me as soon as he walks in and I know he notices that my breathing changed when we made eye contact.  His eyes still hold love for me but I see the sadness that I put there as well.  I break eye contact with him first before I do something I will regret. I may not have thought through how tough it would be for me to pretend I don’t remember.  My body calls to him; my soul needs to be connected to his. With us separated, there is no chance for either of us to be considered whole. I know all of this but it doesn't change my decision.

I finish laying down the rest of the way, turning away from where he stands. I know if I look, I’ll see the heartache and longing that I put there, while he prays I remember the love we shared. This path I have put us on will be a rough one, but one that I have to go through for me, for us.  I do not know if I will be as strong as I can if I spend any long periods of time around him, so I do my best to ignore his pull in the room and I let the medicine relax me while I try to sleep.

***

WESSON

I may be exhausted; I may not have much going for me at the moment and  I may not have a plan to get us through the next adventure life is throwing at us,  however, I do have hope.  I have hope that even though she is unable to remember everything that we have shared, even though her brain is continuing to shield her from the good parts we shared so that it can help her survive the bad, and even though all of that fucking sucks, all of that is something I can now handle after watching her body respond to me entering the room. I was able to watch as her eyes dilated when our eyes met. I was able to watch as her breathing became heavier as we were unable to break our gaze.  Her mind may not remember but deep down in that beautiful heart of hers, I have taken hold and refuse to let go.  She will remember and until then I will do my best to just make her fall in love with me again. 

I quietly go and sit on the chair next to Parker.  Neither of us talk while we sit here watching her fall asleep.  I wait until I can see her breathing even out before speaking. I don’t want anything else to stress her out more; I can’t risk her not remembering any longer than necessary. 

“Any change?” I ask just above a whisper.

“No. I told her something though, something from before.” I whip around looking at him, my eyes wide.

“No, I haven’t told her anything about you. I told her she can’t trust Luke.”

“Oh, of course.” I am glad he told her that. I would hate for Lucas to weasel in here and get to her. However, I can’t hide the disappointment in my voice.

“She will remember.”

“So I keep being told.”

We sit for a bit longer in quiet and then I remember my conversation with Vanessa. Parker and I need to have a plan. I know he cares for Mia so I know he will be willing to help me get to her and save her. I also know he wants this to be over with Lucas. I think we can make this a win- win.

“Hey Park?”

He looks over and nods saying he is listening.

“I was hanging around after the meeting, honestly just working up the courage to come back in here.  While I was waiting, Vanessa came in.  She said she overheard Chief talking and the whole “put us all in protection” is just to get us out of the way.  She said that they don’t care if they get Mia out alive.”

I let that settle because over the past two weeks I have come to know certain things about Parker.  He is calculated.  He thinks things through and then thinks them through again.  He doesn’t take anything lightly and is not one to jump the gun.  He is annoyingly slow at making decisions sometimes, but when he does, they are always the correct ones.  He will have a plan, one that I know that with what information I gave him, I will be able to stand behind him one-hundred percent.  I have grown to respect him, which is good since I plan on being in Lillian’s life.  I think that Parker and I make a good team.  I am hot headed and quick to do; he slows me down before stupid mistakes can be made. Together, we will save our little circle and in the end win.

I just sit back and wait, meanwhile I notice that Lillian turned over and is now facing us. I also notice that she is in no way asleep as I just locked eyes with hers. My heart stops for a second, thinking about what she must have just heard, worried about how it will affect her and her healing.  However, after she is surprised that I notice her awake, I see some determination in her eyes.  I am hoping she is determined to remember me.

I continue to let her examine me, she is watching me and studying me.  Parker hasn’t noticed she is awake but I don’t think I care if she hears.  Maybe something will trigger what she isn’t remembering. 

“We must finish this.”  That is all he says on the matter before getting up and walking out the door.  I should follow him and make sure he doesn’t go do anything that could ruin this for us.  I know what he is thinking.  He is thinking the same thing that I thought when I was told everything. We are going to leave, we are going to take everyone and leave and then we are going to finish this once and for all.

“Where did Parker go?” Her voice guts me.

“I don’t know. Do you need something? I can help you.”

“No.”

She turns back over and I let her go—I don’t know how to talk to her like this.

CHAPTER FIVE

LILLIAN

I turn away from him before I start asking questions, ones that will give me away.  I am glad I didn’t fall asleep before they started talking.  I was close but as soon as I heard them, it hurt and that woke me up—I can hear the longing in Wesson’s voice.  Then they were talking about something that I wouldn’t have been able to sleep through.  I thought we were done with protection. The thought of going back in, well continuing in, I guess we aren’t as free as I thought. Well, that thought is almost unbearable.  I also saw Parker; he is coming up with a plan.  I don’t know what it is but I need him to understand that he will not be leaving me out of it.  I know he will try to protect me; I will just have to convince him that protecting me isn’t the same as splitting us up.

I wait and listen for him to leave.  Listening for his footsteps to head to the door, that isn’t the sound I hear.  Instead, I hear him stand up and scoot his chair over to my bedside.  He is closer; so close I can smell him.  Memories of our time together are flashing behind my eyes as I squeeze them tighter, trying to get rid of his scent that is enveloping me.  My eyes pop open as his scent was a five on the one-ten scale of pain and those memories shot my pain level to a ten.  I turn to him again to hopefully get him to leave, but when I see his face so close to mine when I turn over, I pause.  His eyes are closed and he is sleeping with his head on my pillow.  It gives me time to watch him without him knowing and I stare at him, wanting to touch him.  My idle hand was saved when Parker walked back into the room.  He looks at Wesson close to me and smiles.  He thinks I remember. I don’t. 

“Hey Lil, how are you feeling?” He whispers, trying to keep Wesson asleep. 

I slowly sit back further away from Wesson but still not wanting to wake him.  He has looked horrible since I woke up and I am sure it stems from him not getting any sleep over the past two weeks. I think he is finally able to relax now that I woke up but know he is still stressed since I “don’t remember him” so whatever I can do to let him rest I will do.

“Tired, beat up, confused.” At the end of that, I glance down at Wesson for just a second but of course Park caught it.

“He’s a good guy Lil.”

“Okay…”

“There is too much between you two that I won’t be able to tell you and he can’t tell you.  However, I do believe that you two were in love or are in love—unsure how that works now.  I will only tell you this—don’t push him away; you may regret it once you remember.”

“I just don’t understand. If I loved him, why can’t I remember?” All lies. I do love him, I could never forget him.

“Again, Lil not something I can explain, nor will I as the doctor says too much knowledge could make you more confused, causing you more damage.”

I nod. I know this, I have been told the same. I also am glad because I don’t want to hear about the death of my child, the death of
our
child.  I don’t want to hear about Braxton’s death or Mia’s kidnapping. All of which are my fault.

“Lil, we are going to have to talk soon about something.”

“About them putting us back in protection? Park, I know what you are thinking. I may be weak in the mind but I refuse to be left. I know you and Wesson will be planning something. I demand to be included.”

He laughs, which wakes up Wesson so I scowl at him.  He stops laughing a little bit but not for long before he starts up again.  Wesson is looking between us trying to figure out what I did to make him laugh and I give him a small smile. I can’t be too heartless with him even if I am breaking his heart.

“Lillian Marie, do you really think I would ever leave you again? I made that mistake once, I won’t let that ever happen again.” He gets up and walks to the other side of my bed before continuing. “I almost lost you Lil; I almost lost the only person in this world who I have. I will not let you go ever again.”

I hear a scoff come from Wesson. I don’t look at him as I watch Parker.  He is serious.

“So what’s the plan boys?”

They both laugh at that, officially breaking the tension in the room. One I could only imagine growing as I feel Wesson was upset with how Parker was talking to me; I know he must feel guilty for my injuries.

“Well doll, once you are healthy enough we leave.” Wesson says, so matter of fact. I hate that he still uses those pet names, I used to love them—who am I kidding? I still love them, that’s the problem.

“Yes, that is the gist of it. Once
everyone
is healthy we will leave, before they can move us.  We will continue to stay involved, learning all that we can with the bureau then we will leave and we will finish this.  Wesson and I will get everything ready.”

I smile; this is the best plan ever. Finally, we are going to stand up for us. We aren’t going to let them screw us over again.  We are taking our future, our fate into our own hands.  Then we will be able to finish this.  We will finally be free.

The boys stand up to leave the room and I am okay with it. I was going to ask Park to stay but I know he has things to do. For the first time in a long time, I feel as though I might actually be able to sleep without the help of the sleeping meds or Wesson by my side.

***

             
I watch as he steps closer to me. I watch as he watches me breathing.  I watch as his eyes dilate as he takes all of me in. I watch as he lowers his hands to my stomach, resting them on my growing womb.  I watch as he leans over and kisses the spot where his baby is resting.

***

I wake up whimpering, the tears freely falling in streams down my cheeks. Thankful no one came back in. I am sure I wasn’t asleep that long as the sun is still up but now I am afraid to go back to sleep.  I was okay with things. We were going to right the wrongs, I was allowing myself to rest.  However, my subconscious won’t let me forget the ones I lost no matter what I do.

I am thinking of asking for pain meds to help me sleep, but that is not a road I am willing to go down and they seem to be limiting what I get, more than I think is necessary but I am thankful.  The last thing I need to add to my life right now is an addiction problem.  I hear the door open and close again and I don’t need to turn to see who it is.  My body knows, so I close my eyes and pretend to sleep.  What I want to do is ask him to crawl into the bed with me and hold me close like he used to.  We didn’t make most of the time we had and that will always be something I regret.  My body stiffens when I feel him leaning over me.  He gently kisses me on the cheek and head before going back to his spot in the chair next to me and leaning on my pillow like before.  I slip into a deep sleep and thankfully don’t have any more dreams.  I know I am a sufferer from nightmares but it still holds true that he helps me through them.

***

WESSON

Parker and I head back to Braxton’s room and I leave the door open just a bit, I know Vanessa said she could hear better than she should out there but I want her to know what is going on.  I have a feeling she will be on our side throughout this whole mess.  Something tells me she won’t be leaving Braxton’s side. Parker watches me closely as I leave the opening in the door but doesn’t question me.  I appreciate that he understands that I know what I am doing, that I won’t do anything to jeopardize this for us… for her.

“Vanessa will be involved, I want her to hear. She will also be able to get information for us when we aren’t around.”

He understands and agrees without further explanation.

“Okay so Park, tell me. I know you have a plan.  You wouldn’t have told Lil if you didn’t.”

“Normally, I wouldn’t have, I hate that I’m not telling her the whole truth.  Right now though, I need her to believe we have this under control, I don’t need her to worry.  However, I have absolutely no idea what it is that we can do.  We are going to have two wounded people. We don’t have money, or hell even a vehicle. They won’t be able to walk, let alone run.”

We sit in the room for a few minutes before the door to Braxton’s room closes.  Both of us shoot our gazes to Vanessa and exhale.  I knew she would have given us a warning if it was anyone else but shit that was an intense few seconds.

“I have a cousin who lives out in the woods.  I also have access to a car you guys can use.  I appreciate you guys including me.  I have always thought that the system was the right way, but after seeing how this situation has been handled, I no longer feel that way. I still believe that there is good to be done here and I also know that this needs to end once and for all. I also will be your eyes on the inside for awhile. Once it’s time to strike though, I will be with you and I won’t take no for an answer.”

“Well, there we go. Now we just need this sucker to wake up.” Parker pokes Braxton’s hands and we all gasp when we see his fingers move. 

I can’t stop myself from laughing when I see that they not only move but they move to flip off Park.  That couldn’t have happened at a better time.  I needed a good laugh.

We watch as he pries open his eyes and locks eyes with Vanessa who turns immediately to exit the room.  I am right behind her and say loud enough so Parker understands.

“We will go get the nurse and tell them he is awake, giving you two time to talk.”

I have no idea if we are going to be dealing with another person who doesn’t remember but I can only hope not.  I am about to leave Vanessa when I see her eyes water.  She is leaning against the wall headed toward the nurses’ station and she gives me a smile before shaking off whatever emotion she showed me.  She is badass—I can tell she doesn’t take shit.  I also can tell that over the past 24 hours, she has let herself show emotion toward Braxton. 

“I didn’t think he was actually going to wake up.” She whispers.

“I know the feeling.” I tell her.

“Well, think Parker is done catching him up?” She asks.

“I think you should give them another minute, and then let the nurses know. Look I need to-”

“Go, I understand. Go to her.”

I smile at her and head toward Lil’s room.

I notice the light is off when I enter her room but there is enough light through the window to see her body respond to my presence.  I see her breathing stop, if only for a moment, I see her body stiffen in anticipation of me being near.  I can’t help but go to her even if she doesn’t want me too.  I notice she is pretending to be asleep. I know I am probably making her uncomfortable, always being around but I will be here when she remembers because she will remember.  I lean down, giving her a small kiss on her cheek and her forehead. I go back to my spot next to her and lean over onto the pillow like I did the whole time that she was in the coma. This is the closest I could get to her without physically crawling into bed with her—which I had to continuously talk myself out of doing. I may not have spent much time with her curled up in bed with me but it was long enough to know that I don’t want to go any nights without her there.  This is killing me, knowing she is awake but unable to go back to where we were. 

I am happy to know that we have a plan, one that puts me in charge of making sure she is okay. I hated the thought of losing her, having her taken away from me.  I know that the chances of the bureau splitting us up were slim but now I know it’s not an option.  I can’t wait to get out of this hospital and get all this shit under control. I will have my sister free. I will have my girl free.  We will be free, and then I just have to convince Lillian to keep me around if she hasn’t remembered yet.