Who Moved My Blackberry? (9 page)

Unfortunately there was something wrong with the power supply to my laptop, so I couldn't give him the power point presentation I'd spent the whole weekend preparing. Potential disaster, but actually I think it worked out for the best. Barry's so informal that he probably preferred just listening to me kick ideas around. I told him about my concept for repositioning a-b glöbâl UK at the heart of Europe. He kept nodding and saying “Uh huh! Uh huh! I can feel your passion.”

He didn't ask any questions at all about me, which you might think was a bad sign, but we really bonded on an intellectual level, which was more important than anything.

I did exactly what you said and was focused, focused, focused! My creativity came across strongly as did my communication skills. Not sure about my humor. I made a couple of good jokes which he didn't laugh at, but then Americans don't have a sense of humor. I sent Barry a message immediately afterwards saying how much I enjoyed our meeting, but have got nothing back, as yet.

I've now got to go to Jake's school to grovel to his headmaster.

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

From:
Barry Malone

To:
All Staff/London

Howdy!

First up I'd like to say how much of a kick I have gotten out of my visit to London yesterday. There is a load of passionate, diverse human capital in this company and it has been a unique privilege to interact with it.

At a-b glöbâl we know how to play the game. We know how to stay in the game. However, having skin in the game is not enough. To achieve PPP what we must do is shape the game.

I know there is some uncertainty over leadership issues, but I would like to reassure you that we are working on this, and will make an announcement soon!

I love you all

Barry S. Malone

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens—Not sure what to think about that … At first I thought it was a bad sign he didn't send me anything personally. But actually I think he probably needs to tell the people who aren't getting the job first. So no news may be good news.

M x

From:
Barry Malone

To:
All Staff/London

Howdy!

In the coming weeks we will be kicking off root and branch reassessment of our talent pool. Ahead of this we believe it would be premature to appoint a permanent successor to the position of chairman of a-b glöbâl UK. I am today delighted to say that Roger Wright is appointed as acting chairman to a-b glöbâl UK until a permanent replacement is found.

I know you will give Roger every support in this function.

I love you all

Barry

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

I've lost the will to live. Think I'm going to ask out that gorgeous Suzanna to cheer myself up.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Suzanna Elliott

S—Fancy a quick drink tonight? Could meet you at All Bar One at 6:30. M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Suzanna Elliott

Morning, Suzanna. Did you get home all right? Am feeling a tad rough … Hope I didn't go on too much!

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling, really sorry about last night. I went out for a drink with Graham to drown my sorrows. I know I was in no fit state to drive home. Sorry. Hope I cleaned up the mess ok.

Love you M xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

No nothing happened. I'm sure she would have been up for it, but I wasn't in the mood. As I say, I've lost the will to live.

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Pandora—

Terrible news … They've given the job to Roger, admittedly only on a temporary basis, before appointing an outsider. I did everything you told me to. I polished up my self belief. I prepared some unbeatable ideas. I positioned myself perfectly—and did I get my dream?? No, I got fuck all, if you'll pardon my French. What this proves is that to get anywhere in this place you must either be a box ticker, or a woman. A man who can think outside the box is going to lose out over and over again. I am so hacked off. I'm getting in touch with the headhunters today—I'm leaving this company, and frankly, I think I can do that without your help.

Rgds

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin!

Thank you for sharing that with me. Even negative thoughts are better shared. What you are going through now is a natural part of the SARAH cycle. When you have difficult news you feel Shock, Anger, Resentment, Acceptance and Hope. I am here to get you into the second part of the cycle as soon as possible.

I think you're forgetting your mantra—NO FAILURE ONLY FEEDBACK. Say it after me.

One learning I've taken out of this is that you don't like yourself enough. People who like themselves are lighthearted and optimistic. They have magnetic personalities. Do you like you? Are you genuinely grateful to be you?

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Of course I bloody like me. That's not the issue. The problem is that no one bloody else seems to. You ask if I'm grateful to be me. With the greatest respect, Pandora, that's about the stupidest thing anyone has ever asked me. I've just been stitched up. I feel that whatever I do goes pear shaped. So am I grateful to be me?? No, surprise, surprise, I'm not at all grateful. And why the fuck should I be??

Frankly, I don't want to go on with this coaching program. My faith in you, and in your entire philosophy, is zilch. You said that I could get this job, and like a complete idiot I believed you.

Please send your closing account to Roger Wright—my new sodding boss.

Rgds

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Stewart@harleystreetclinic

Dear Dr. Stewart,

Over the past few days I have been experiencing the following worrying symptoms: my heart is beating excessively fast, I've got low back pain, and am having trouble digesting my food.

I fear I have bowel cancer. I've looked up the condition on the internet and I seem to have ticks in all the boxes—though no bleeding rectum, as yet.

Can you fit me in for an urgent appointment at your earliest convenience?

Yours sincerely

Martin Lukes

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin!

How are you today?

I hope you are rested and are reconnecting with your optimistic, magnetic personality. And that you are ready to start on month four of our program! This month we will be consolidating the learnings from months one to three, and pushing forward towards even greater success and happiness for you!

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Pandora—I think there is some misunderstanding. As far as I am concerned, I terminated this coaching relationship last month. That means that no, I am not ready to start on month four.

Rgds, Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin

It always makes me very sad on the exceedingly rare occasions when coachees fail to complete the Executive Bronze Program. This program has been carefully designed as a holistic package which lasts for 12 months. If you only complete part of it you may actually be in a weaker position than when you started. However, if you do decide to take this backward step, I'd like to refer you to my contract which states that you will be liable to pay the outstanding full year's fee on termination.

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens—Am feeling worse by the minute. I've just googled bowel cancer again and found that one in 18 men in their mid-40s have it—it's the second biggest killer in men.

My athlete's foot has also flared up horribly. Do you think this is connected to the other symptoms?

Love you, M x

From:
Roger Wright

To:
All Staff

Re: weekly HODs meeting

As you know, Barry Malone has invited me to act as Chairman of a-b glöbâl (UK) until further notice. I shall be convening the first in a series of regular weekly meetings for all heads of department to discuss forthcoming issues in Meeting Room 305 at 08:15hrs tomorrow. There are 39 items on the agenda and it is imperative that everybody attends promptly.

Roger Wright
Chairman, a-b glöbâl (UK) (Acting)

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Hi Graham—Rog's dictatorial tendencies to the fore … would make me feel ill if I wasn't so ill already.

Martin

From:
Barry Malone

To:
All Staff

Howdy!

This morning I issued an announcement to the SEC that our earnings for the first quarter would show an 18 percent decline on last year. This is due to adverse exchange rate movements, and to hypercompetitive conditions in our market space. Our underlying position remains strong and I would like to thank each of you for making this happen and for bringing your passion and integrity to work every day.

Today I am delighted to announce the next step on our journey towards achieving Peak Performance Permanently.

Our number one goal is to raise the talent bar. At a-b glöbâl we should have zero tolerance of low bench strength. We are a home for A players and B players. C players do not belong here.

In alignment with our caring values, we will treat every existing a-b glöbâl coworker with human dignity. Those of you who stay will be rewarded by working with highly motivated colleagues. Those who do not stay will be free to pursue jobs someplace else where you will feel more passionate and more effective.

I have tasked Keith Buxton, Chief Talent Officer, with implementing the program. He will contact you shortly.

I love you all

Barry S. Malone

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Graham—Don't like the sound of this ABC thing … share price tanking, which means my options are all underwater—but as I'll probably be dead by the time I can exercise them, it doesn't make much difference.

Drink later?

Mart

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Hi Keri—

I'm really impressed at how perceptive you are about my illness. I agree this is my body giving me a major wake-up call about the multiple stresses I am under. You can't go on firing 120 percent on all cylinders indefinitely, can you?

I'm off to see the doctor in half an hour, so we'll see what he has to say. Can you call me a cab?

M

PS Ta muchly for the crystals … really sweet of you.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling—

Just seen Dr. Stewart, and the news is very bad. Obviously he couldn't say anything about the bowel cancer at this stage, but he's sending me to a top specialist for a colonoscopy. Am feeling very poorly indeed. Would appreciate high-fiber supper and then whiskey and bed.

M xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

A query from left field: I remember you telling me that you were diagnosed as having cancer, and that your doctor gave you six months to live but you coached yourself out of it.

It appears that I may have contracted bowel cancer myself, and would be interested in a program of coaching targeted specifically at helping me towards remission.

Bestest

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin!

I am delighted to see that you are working through the SARAH cycle, and have reached the resentment/acceptance stage. Yes I would be delighted to recommence our program. However it is imperative that you sincerely renew your commitment to me and to the Executive Bronze Program. Coaching is not something that you dip in and out of. For it to succeed you must commit now to completing the course, and to striving to being 22.5 percent better than the best you can be.

You mention your cancer. Yes, I can certainly help here. However, there is not a special cancer coaching module—instead, the principles of self love and self belief that I teach strengthen the body both inside and out.

Strive and thrive!