Why Do Men Have Nipples? (2 page)

Mark:
I considered it for a moment or two and remember thinking, “Hey, I could make a shitload of money and do almost no work!”

Billy:
I felt that I had offered Mark the opportunity to be the doctor he always wanted to be. I thought he was ready to share the burden of this project, and what you are about to read is the result of all our, well, no actually, all my hard work.

Enjoy.

CONTENTS

TITLE PAGE

DEDICATION

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

PREFACE

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1. YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

Does it really take seven years to digest chewing gum?

Why does your pee smell when you eat asparagus?

Does sugar really make kids hyperactive?

What causes an ice cream headache?

Does eating chocolate cause acne?

Why do you cry when you cut onions?

Do cucumbers relieve puffy eyes?

Why are you served juice and cookies after you donate blood?

Why do women crave chocolate during their periods?

Why do you get bloated when you eat salty food?

What is a food coma?

Why are you hungry an hour after eating Chinese food?

What is MSG, and does it cause headaches?

Can carrots help improve your vision?

Does coffee stunt your growth?

Why does skipping your morning coffee cause a headache?

Why does spicy food make your nose run?

Does spicy food cause ulcers?

Does artificial sweetener cause headaches?

Does licorice cause high blood pressure?

CHAPTER 2. BODY ODDITIES

Is it bad to crack your knuckles?

Why do some folks have an “outie” belly button and some folks have an “innie”?

What causes morning breath?

Why are yawns contagious?

Why do men have nipples?

Can you lose a contact lens in the back of your head?

Can you lose a tampon inside your body if the string comes off?

Is it true that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body relative to its size?

Why do your teeth chatter when you are cold?

Why do you have an appendix if you can live without it?

Are canker sores contagious?

What are goose bumps?

What really is happening when my foot falls asleep?

Why do you get bags under your eyes when you are tired?

Why do you laugh when tickled?

Why does sweat stink and stain?

What is snot?

What are eye boogers?

What are those little half moons in your nails?

CHAPTER 3. ALL YOU (N)EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX

Is sperm nutritious? Or fattening?

Can you get pregnant while you are having your period?

Do oysters really make you horny?

Big hands, big _____?

Why do men wake up in the morning with an erection?

Can people in wheelchairs still have sex?

Is it true that you can break your penis?

Does masturbation cause stuttering, blindness, or hairy palms?

Does using a tampon for the first time make you lose your virginity?

Why do nipples become erect?

What causes shrinkage?

Does circumcision lessen the fun of sex?

Does the kind of underpants men wear affect their fertility?

Is there really a G-spot?

Do Kegel exercises really work?

Can hot tubs make you infertile?

Do men need sex more often than women?

Can a man ever run out of sperm?

Are there any specific things that affect the scent of a woman?

Can a woman ejaculate?

What is a hickey?

CHAPTER 4. CAN I TREAT IT MYSELF?

Can you take the tetracycline meant for fish tanks?

Does cranberry juice cure urinary tract infections?

Will yogurt cure a yeast infection if you put it “inside”?

Does candle flame remove earwax?

Is it smart to put butter on a burn?

Does melatonin work for jet lag?

Should you put a steak on a black eye?

Will toothpaste get rid of zits?

Is it dangerous to pop zits?

If someone is choking at a dinner party, can you do a tracheostomy with an oyster knife?

Does urinating on a jellyfish sting stop the burn?

Why is it bad to insert cotton swabs in your ears?

Is it dangerous to perform colonic irrigation on yourself?

Does breast milk cure warts?

If you get bitten by a snake, should you suck out the venom?

What are hiccups, and how do you get rid of them?

Does bathing in tomato juice remove the smell of a skunk?

Does eating fresh parsley cure bad breath?

Does warm milk really help you sleep?

CHAPTER 5. DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

“Beer before liquor, never sicker/liquor before beer, never fear”?

Can poppy seeds make you test positive for heroin?

Why do you get the munchies when you are stoned?

Can a hair sample be used in a drug test?

Will a shot of bourbon cure a cold?

Does putting someone in a shower or giving him or her coffee stop a drug overdose?

Why do you throw up when you drink too much?

Does taking ecstasy cause you to lose your memory?

Does drinking kill brain cells?

Why does the bed spin after a long night at the bar?

Why do you snore so loud when you are drunk?

Is red wine really good for your health?

Does marijuana help glaucoma?

Should you drink brandy when you have frostbite?

Can you get high from licking a toad?

Why do people seem more attractive to you when you are drunk?

CHAPTER 6. BATHROOM HUMOR

Can you drink your own urine?

Why can you ignite a fart?

Why do you get all “pruney” after a long bath?

Is it more sanitary to be spit on or peed on?

Why do beans give you gas?

Would you die if you ate your own feces?

Will you get hemorrhoids from sitting on the toilet too long?

Why does poo stink if the food doesn’t?

Why does poo float?

Why is poo brown?

Where does gas go when you can’t fart?

If you are stranded on a desert island, should you drink seawater or your own urine?

Can you catch diseases from a toilet seat?

Why do I have to go to the bathroom immediately after a cup of coffee?

Why do cigarettes have a laxative effect?

Why do you have to pee when you hear water dripping?

If you stick a sleeping person’s hand in warm water, will he or she wet the bed?

Is it dangerous to hold it when you have to pee?

What causes the rumbling in your stomach when you have to go?

CHAPTER 7. MEDICINE FROM THE MOVIES AND TV

Is the show
ER
accurate?

Does the kind of amnesia you see in the movies really exist?

What would happen if you stuck someone in the heart with a needle as in
Pulp Fiction?

Why does everyone in the movies go into shock?

Can people really wake up after being in a coma for years?

Do you really need to remove a bullet right away like they do in old Westerns?

Is there really a medication that acts like a truth serum?

What is on the rags that villains use to make their victims pass out?

Can you die from choking on your own vomit, like the drummer in
Spinal Tap?

Do people really have multiple personalities, like in
Sybil?

Can you get scared to death?

Can you drink yourself to death like Nicholas Cage in
Leaving Las Vegas?

Does hysterical blindness really exist?

What would really happen if a junior mint fell inside someone during surgery, as in the infamous
Seinfeld
episode?

Is it dangerous to eat another human being?

How many times can you be shot and still survive?

Is there such a thing as a werewolf?

Can you really explode from eating too much?

Do people ever have webbed hands and feet like the Man from Atlantis?

Why do you see stars when you are hit in the head?

What was wrong with the boy in
The Boy in The Plastic Bubble?

CHAPTER 8. OLD WIVES’ TALES

Is it true that you have to wait a half hour after eating to go swimming?

Will staring at an eclipse make you go blind?

Should you starve a fever and feed a cold?

Does wet or cold weather cause a cold?

Can you die from chasing Pop Rocks with Coke?

Can lip balm be addictive?

Is it true that left-handed people are smarter than right-handed people?

Will sleeping in front of a fan or an open window cause a stiff neck?

Do microwaves cause cancer?

Will using a cell phone give you a brain tumor?

Will a plate in your head set off a metal detector in the airport?

Is it dangerous to hold in a sneeze?

Can you swallow your tongue?

CHAPTER 9. GETTING OLDER

Is it true that you lose tastebuds as you get older?

Why does hair turn gray?

Why do you shrink as you get older?

Why do old ladies grow beards?

Do your ears continue to grow after the rest of your body stops growing?

Why do you need less sleep when you get older?

What’s up with the ear hair?

Do your nails or hair grow after you die?

What are age spots?

Is life span determined strictly by genetics?

Can taking vitamin C help you live longer?

Is there such a thing as male menopause?

Why are older people such bad drivers?

Is there really a wrinkle cure?

Can aluminum cause Alzheimer’s?

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

COPYRIGHT PAGE

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Billy:

My sincerest thanks to: my family for supporting me when I rambled on about this idea for years, my friends for asking me hilarious medical questions, and my beautiful and wonderful wife, Jessica, for appreciating my quirks and giving me the strength to finally get this done.

Mark:

I want to thank my wonderful and wise friend Billy Goldberg, who did virtually
all
of the work on this book and still happily let them put my name on the cover next to his.

Together we would like to thank Amanda Urban and Jud Laghi at ICM; our editor, Carrie Thornton; and the entire staff at One Jefe Productions.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

MARK LEYNER
is the author of
My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist; Tooth Imprints on a Corn Dog; I Smell Esther Williams;Et Tu Babe;
and
The Tetherballs of Bougainville
. He has written scripts for a variety of films and television shows. His writing appears regularly in
The New Yorker, Time,
and
GQ
.

BILLY GOLDBERG, M.D.,
is an emergency medicine physician on faculty at a New York City teaching hospital. He is also a writer and artist whose paintings have been exhibited in New York City.