Why Me? (12 page)

----------------

From: Peter Smith

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Have heard enough

Bob Servant,

I am losing trust in you now. I know you are wanting to do this magazine with the eyes and now the animals but Bob this is not my job. I am only arranging the loan.

Where is your personal information? This has been promised by you for so long it is just not right.

What are you doing?

Peter Smith

Financial Services

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Smith

Subject: The Worst Possible News

Peter,

I just had a pretty awful meeting with Inky Edwards. I told him what we've been up to, and how you wanted to push the animal angle, and the guy looked at me like I had two noses.

To cut a long story short, Inky is withdrawing his support for Twinklers. He says that when he first heard of the idea he was all for it because he liked the fact that with all the council cutbacks we were going to support local folk through giving them work modelling their twinklers for the magazine. But he said we've lost our way with the animal thing because that is not helping the local unemployed. As Inky said, and it was hard to argue with him, ‘no-one's ever sacked a penguin'.

With the loss of Inky's order, Peter, I have zero customers. With the best will in the world, you can't run a business without customers. You'll know what I mean by that. I'm afraid the game's up and I just don't know what else to say, Peter. I feel like Rory Bremner is throwing darts at my balls while talking like John Major. Again, you'll know what I mean by that.

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

Former Editor of Twinklers Magazine: Putting a Twinkle in Your Day!

----------------

From: Peter Smith

To: Bob Servant

Subject: final option

Send the information today or you forget about the loan

----------------

23
Bob uses Geldof both as verb and noun. ‘Geldof me up', is a request for payment, while ‘Are you Geldoffed?' or ‘Have you got any Geldof?' are interchangeable queries as to whether someone possesses money. See also his use of Mugabe. ‘He got Mugabe'd' can mean that someone has been: beaten up, robbed or become heavily intoxicated, whereas ‘He's having a Mugabe' has, in my experience, solely meant that someone is enjoying a day of good fortune at the bookmakers. If I had the time, and you the patience, I would similarly cover Bob's multiple uses of ‘Alegiah' and ‘Corbett'. possible in this transaction.

24
See
The Dundee Courier
, 3 March, 2011:
‘No More Fancy Dress at Broughty Bank
(‘ “The public spoke and we've listened,” said branch manager Gordon Smart, from within a pantomime cow.')

25
See
The Dundee Courier
, 13 March 2011:
‘Zoo Apologises for “Over-friendly” Wardens'
(‘The director of Dundee's Camperdown Zoo apologised today after it was revealed that a number of wardens had been befriending the animals in their care. One warden was reported to have regularly visited the nearby Odeon cinema with a chimpanzee while a senior warden has resigned after it emerged he went on holiday to Ibiza with an ostrich. “The wardens have been spoken to,” said Zoo Director Steven Godden. “The otter is healthy and other than a couple of minor issues, so is the ostrich.” Under further questioning, Godden admitted that the ostrich is suffering from sunburn and now bears a tattoo reading “Boys on Tour, Ibiza 2011, No Limits”.')

From: Mary Riley

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Can you help?

Dearly Beloved,

My name is Mrs. Mary Riley and I write this to you through my tears of sorrow. I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what I have to charity through you. You may be wondering why I chose you. But someone has to be chosen. I am 66 years old and have been touched by the lord to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to charity through you for the good work of humanity. I had good parents who died and now i am careful to stop my husband's bad relatives from to use his hard earned funds inappropriately.

I have asked the lord to forgive me all my sins and I believe he has, because He is merciful. You no idea that problems I have had in my life. It has been so hard from the very start and now I want to give the sum of (GBP 8 Million) to charity through you for the good work of the lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows.

At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls, due to the fact that I have been restricted by my doctor from taking telephone calls because I deserve all the rest I can get. Please contact my lawyer with your details though the details attach.

Yours in trust,

Mary Riley

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mary Riley

Subject: Quick one

Mary,

Ever thought of writing a book?

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

Managing Editor

Sad Times Publishing

----------------

From:Mary Riley

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Re: Quick one

What do you mean by this? Have you contacted my lawyer as the plan?

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mary Riley

Subject: Sad Times Publishing

Mary,

Wipe your tears away my friend because I have some news that I think will lift your chin right up into the clouds. Mary, I am the Managing Editor of a Scottish publisher called Sad Times Publishing. We're largely looking for stories like yours, real weepies that will reach into our reader's bodies through their eyes and play merry hell with their hearts. They're called misery memoirs over here, Mary, and we've been behind all the big Scottish ones in recent years such as –

Black, Blue and Hungry Too – The Terrible Story of Jimmy Krankie

Please Dad, Not the Face! – The Awful Life of Andrew Marr

and

I Just Need(ed) a Friend – How the pop band Texas escaped a life of poverty and pick pocketing to top the music charts.

Mary, I think your story would fit very comfortably indeed into our wee collection. Are you on board? Will you ‘lift the biro' for Sad Times Publishing?

Yours,

Bob Servant

Managing Editor

Sad Times Publishing

----------------

From: Mary Riley

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Payment

Bob,

Yes I can tell you my terrible story that will be like this others that you have. Please Bob I will tell you my story and now can maybe an advance payment to be helpful my dear? I took it upon myself as a challenge to God that i must fulfill a charity deed in life. There are more you don't know about me and If you agree with me to have my full story you will have to do what i have requested. What is the pay? It will boost my charity giving.

Whenever I think about my life I cry and I cry now just thinking about what I have been through.

Mary

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mary Riley

Subject: Dry those old eyes

Mary,

Stop crying for God's sake, you'll get me started and when I cry I don't mess about. In 1982 I cried for four days after watching ET. For the first two days I was crying because I thought it was a documentary and for the next two days I was crying because someone told me that it wasn't.

Mary, I'm interested in your story and don't you worry about the money side of things. If you want to get rich then write yourself a book that does ‘not bad' in Scotland and from then on everything you touch turns to gravy. Men want to be you and women want to sue you. I've done a few books myself and I attach a photo of my house.

For now can you just give me the best stuff from your story. What's the very worst thing that's happened to you?

All the best,

Bob Servant

Managing Editor

Sad Times Publishing

²⁶

----------------

From: Mary Riley

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This for now

Dear beloved Bob

i am so happy that you want to use my story to write a book that will touch peoples lives. Well I will give you just some for now but you must know because of the money $8m (million) that I have I have been in danger for some time. In fact several attempts to assassinate me have been made but all their plans keeps failing them. I cannot believe really I would have not been dead by now.

You see Bob this is a story you will not believe and it will be a success for you. Now let us talk of a payment and we can enter the next level of my story. If this is your house like you say a first payment wil be easy for you

Mary Riley

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mary Riley

Subject: I like it Mary, I like it a lot

Mary,

This is all great stuff. People love a good assassination story. Just look at JFK or when Sir Trevor McDonald shot his postman.
²⁷
Can you give me a bit more of what we call ‘colour' on the assassination attempt? I presume he had a gun?

Also for the title of your book I've had a wee think and I'm considering the options below.

Every Cloud Has a Lining of More Cloud – My Hell by Mary Riley

Don't Shoot! – The Mary Riley Story

Jesus Christ, He's Got A Gun! – The Life and Times of Mary Riley

I'll have a go at the ‘blurb' for the cover now as well,

Cheers,

Bob

----------------

From: Mary Riley

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Information for you

Well Bob I was shot at by a bandit who wanted my money and the bullet hit in the shoulder and I was in hospital for months before well enough to continue with the charity. After the attack i resolved with the plan of my late husbands attorney to wear a bullet proof vest always.

It is OK whatever you want to call the book and I believe this is enough and will give you more stories when i get to hear your offer. I must go now because I am weak now do not forget how sick i am bob and your payment for my story will go all on medicine.

Mary Riley

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mary Riley

Subject: What do you think?

Mary,

OK that's good news that you were shot. It will make the book reach out from the shelves and grab the reader by the balls. Right, Mary, I've been busy at this end. Have a look at the attached, it's the cover and the opening page of the book which I think lets us really hit the ground running. Let me know what you reckon, I've added a couple of little tweaks but it's largely based on what you've told me.