Why Me? (8 page)
Authors: Neil Forsyth
Yours,
Bob
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NO REPLY
14
See
The Dundee Courier
, 1 April 1 2011:
âDundee Royal Infirmary “Overwhelmed” by Fool's Day victims'
and
The Dundee Courier
, 2 April 2011:
âDundee Divorce Lawyers See “Staggering' Spike”
. (âAll I'd ask him is “Was it really worth it?” said one middle-aged woman whose right foot had been crudely superglued to a metal bucket').
15
See
The Dundee Courier
, 3 April 2011:
âPatients Fury at Royal Infi rmary's “Pyjama Timeshare” Scheme'
. (â“I got afternoons,” complained one patient. “Who on earth wants afternoons?”â).
Bob's Phone Number
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: A proposal
Dear Sir/Madam,
My name is Barrister Michael Christopher, a Senior Advocate and legal consultant in practice here in the Cook Islands. My client suffered a terrible violent death life alongside with his wife in a Beirut-bound charter jet plane crashed on the Monday, 9th January 2006, 12:12 GMT (details on Internet if required).
Prior to his death my client secured a contract worth millions of US dollars from the kingdom of Bahrain. As his personal lawyer and close confidant, all my efforts to locate any of his relatives whom i can present as next of kin has proved abortive. Therefore I am seeking for your consent to present you as next of kin and subsequently the benefi ciary of the fund. I will initiate this process towards a conclusion if you give me positive signals. I wait to hear from you.
Yours faithfully,
Mike Christopher
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: You're at it!
Mike,
The Cook Islands? You must think I'm stupid. Where do you live, Frying Pan City?
Give up.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: The Cook islands
Dear Bob Servant,
What is this you are saying? The Cook Islands are recognised province. Do you want to act as next of kin? The commission is very kind.
Yours faithfully,
Mike Christopher
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: I hold my hands up
Barrister Christopher,
I have just had a look at my atlas and would like to apologise, as the Red Indians say, âwith reservations'.
16
I accept that the Cook Islands exist but I am also nervous about meeting new people from the Internet. I am an elderly man and also have a good few quid (don't tell the wife!) (I don't have a wife) and this makes me a target for likely lads and chancers such as this bunch below. They might be housewives' favourites, Christopher, but they're naughty with it!
17
Yours,
Bob
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: A proposal
Dear Mr Servant,
Yes I understand your worries but do not worry in this case because I am a Barrister of course so this is legal and just. This is excellent Bob and I can confirm you are now the front runner to be the main benefi ciary of this will minus our administration fees which as normal will have to be paid first. They are very low, only $200, OK?
Yours faithfully,
Mike Christopher
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Phone
Barrister Mike,
$200 is a drop in the bloody ocean. During Dundee's Cheeseburger Wars I'd earn that much by putting my shoes on and the same again for brushing my hair.
Listen, It might be quicker to talk over the phone. Would you mind calling me?
Yours,
Bob
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I will call
Yes of course I will call you at my expense Bob just send the number
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Phone Number
OK are you ready?
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Give me the number
Yes I am ready.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Here we go
0
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Here we go
Hello Bob I think that did not come through please send it again.
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: RE: Here we go
0
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Not coming through
That did not come through again sorry Bob please send again.
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Seems fine my end
4
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Not right
Bob this is not correct I am not getting the full number please check that you are sending it.
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: RE: Not right
4
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Not right
Bob what is this? You are not sending your number properly I am only getting one number through a 0 and now 4s what is this?
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Eh?
I don't quite understand your problem, I'm sending it through. 0044 is the code for the UK. Next bit:
1
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Send the whole number
What are you saying to me Bob? You're sending me the number one at every time? Why would you do this Bob just send the whole thing.
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Security
Mike,
As I told you I am worried about Internet security. Please give me the respect I deserve.
3
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Security
This is too stupid but OK. 004413 come on
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: 8
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Got it
0044138 OK more
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: 2
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: More needed
00441382 more
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: 2
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: send the rest now
004413822 more
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: 2
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: 2
0044138222 more
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Hang on
Sorry I've lost my thread a bit. I think I've gone a bit heavy on the 2s. Would you mind reading back what I've sent so far?
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: OK here
0044138222 send the rest.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Remember the security!
Sorry, can you send it one number at a time? It's safer.
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Remember the security!
Are you serious?
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Good Question
What do you think? (be honest)
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Good Question
FUCK you if this is not true
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: RE: Good Question
4
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NO REPLY
16
This is one of Bob's favourite jokes but has always struck me as a little obtuse. I once probed him at a corner table in Broughty Ferry's Stewpot's Bar on how exactly this selection of words operate as a joke. He replied, âA lot of people like Rolls Royces but do they know what's under the bonnet?' I answered that yes, those same people would be aware that under the bonnet of a Rolls Royce would be a Rolls Royce engine. Bob replied by asking if I thought the table had âa wobble'. I replied that it didn't. Bob then spent five minutes frowning and wobbling the table with his hand before leaving for a lengthy bathroom visit.
17
Along with this email Bob sent three photos to demonstrate suitable âhousewives' favourites'. The photos were of David Jason in character as Del Boy, Ian McShane in character as Lovejoy and Osama bin Laden in character as Osama bin Laden. Unfortunately I cannot include the photos here as one of those three âlikely lads' refused permission (to be fair, it wasn't bin Laden who did not cause the production of this book any problems at all).
The War at Home
From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Offi cial US Army
My name is Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser. I am a trusted operator in the US Army Marines and currently on deployment here in Afghanistan. I am from Illinios and have 19 years service. We are under constant attack here and I am able to get on only when things are not wild but I saw your profile and thought we could have a connection.
Please dear tell me of your life and I will tell you of yours.