Why Me? (6 page)
Authors: Neil Forsyth
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From: Dominic Jones
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Jerry's Email
Bob,
OK this is not usual but if it is needed then my son Jerry's email is
@yahoo.com
Let us get this done now please. Do not worry I understand these problem with women we have them in our country also.
Dominic Jones.
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From: Timmy Servant
To: Jerry Jones
Subject: ARE YOU MY FRIEND?
Hello Jerry!
My name is Timmy and you are my new friend.
Can you tell me about yourself?
I am nine years old and I like playing football and climbing trees. I have yellow hair and blue eyes and I live in a house with my Mum and Dad and sometimes they shout at each other and my Dad has big muscles like a horse.
What do you look like and what do you do?
Write back!
Timmy
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From: Jerry Jones
To: Timmy Servant
Subject: Yes I am Your Friend
hi,
Am Jerry Jones and am 10 years old i have black hair, blue eyes and am living in Hong Kong with my mum and dad am i love football, basketball, people says that i looks exactly like my dad cos he always there for me,
when i need him.
jerry.
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From: Timmy Servant
To: Jerry Jones
Subject: You Are My Friend Forever
Hello Jerry!
Thank you for writing back.
I love football as well I hope I will play today after school. I wish I had black hair like the other boys.
I have yellow hair but I think it is stupid. Do you like Yellow Hair? What are you doing today and what is your school uniform? Would you like to see my uniform?
Your Dad sounds like a bellend.
Timmy
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From: Jerry Jones
To: Timmy Servant
Subject: Yes friends forever now
hi,
I do not know what you mean but my Dad is a good man who looks after his family in every way. Do not worry about your hair you have nice hair. My uniform is jeans and a shirt yes I would like to see your uniform.OK you can give this to your school now. Tell your dad he must buy your football now.
jerry
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From: Bob Servant
To: Dominic Jones
Subject: A bit of an awkward one
Dominic,
Timmy went out with his mother earlier and I had the opportunity to check his email account. I'm afraid I have some rather awkward news. Timmy and Jerry's relationship seems to have moved very quickly from two kids messing about to something very different. I am sorry to say that they seem to have both been overtaken by that old pal of ours: lust. Jerry seems to be obsessed by Timmy's hair which he goes on and on about like you wouldn't believe. He also has a âthing' for Timmy's uniform.
Now, Dominic, I'm not against men who decide that the skirt are just not worth the hassle. I have seven Elton John records and once bought a full price ticket to see Ian McKellen star in a pantomime at the Dundee Rep Theatre. (To be fair I didn't end up going because my dishwasher shortcircuited and flooded my kitchen but to blame my dishwasher problems on McKellen's sexual preferences would be unfair to both McKellen and the dishwasher so let's not go down that road.)
My point, Dominic, is this. If, when Jerry and Timmy are a little older, they still feel the same way about each other then I think we as parents should get together, have a wee drink and work out some rules. Whether or not they can have âsleepovers' and so on. Right now they should barely be at the holding hands stage, as I'm sure you'll agree?
Bob
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From: Dominic Jones
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Forget it already
This is just mad you are not real.
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11
Milne, Ralph (1961â). Popular Dundonian footballer who played for various clubs including Manchester United. Late in his career Milne played for a year in Hong Kong after a trial that involved him dribbling round an Asian football agent in London's Green Park. This, believe it or not, is true.
12
The suggestion that Bob is or ever has been married is laughable. For reference read âThe Great Skirt Hunt' in
Bob Servant: Hero of Dundee
or save yourself £6.99 and simply observe the chapter title. The further erroneous suggestion that Bob has a child is the stuff of nightmares.
13
See
The Dundee Courier
, 17 November 2006:
âEuropean Football Minnows Shocked as Player Quits'
.
Dr Kenny Wilson
From: Kenny Wilson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From HSBC Bank
Dear Sir,
I am the Head Manager of the HSBC Ghana bank. I would like to make an honest proposal to you. You have my personal guarantee and assurance this transaction is 100% legitimate and Risk free and under the confines of the law. I shall also require your personal Guarantee that you are someone that I can trust because I will reciprocate same to you. I would like Fund transfer of (USD$15.6 million) to you on my behalf. 40% of the fund will be for your kind assistance, 60% will be for me while we both will take care of the financial expenses of transfer of the fund into your bank account, and 10% will be for settling the expenditure.
Do not entertain any kind of fear as I will be here to give you all information which the bank will require from you. I also have a link with the Executive Governor of the HSBC Bank of Africa here, but he does not know of my involvement in this deal because it is secret. I await your urgent reply,
Best Regards,
Kenny Wilson
Head Manager HSBC Bank Ghana
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From: Bob Servant
To: Kenny Wilson
Subject: RE: From HSBC Bank
Kenny Boy,
A big âhow are you doing?' from Broughty Ferry, Dundee. I'm happy with my split of the 110% and I'm glad to be involved in something that comes to 110% because I always thought it was just something that football managers talked about.
One thing though, Big K. I know this is ridiculous, but can I just check that this isn't a scam in any way?