Why Me? (19 page)

Regards,

Mr James Joseph

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From: Bob Servant

To: James Joseph

Subject: Can't Place Him...

Hi James,

Thanks for getting in touch but I'm afraid I just can't place Dr Bakayoko Ahmed and I'm pretty sure I'd remember a name like that. I live in Broughty Ferry, Dundee and round here it's all Mikes, Shuggys and Engelberts.
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Sorry I couldn't be of more help,

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: James Joseph

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Yes you know him

Dear Mr Bob Servant,

Bob I have checked over this with Dr Bakayoko Ahmed and he has confirmed that it is you who he wanted to receive this money. It is possible you met him a long time ago but do not worry about this the most important is to arrange transit of this money to you so please provide the data. Bob please don't miss this money because of one thing or the other because I know nothing good comes so easily your miracles has come!

I wait for your reply.

Regards

Mr James Joseph

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From: Bob Servant

To: James Joseph

Subject: Fair enough

James,

Right, well that's fine then. I am 64 years old and have lived a life like you wouldn't believe, James, so there's no doubt I could have bumped into Dr Bakayoko and forgotten about it. I probably had a chat with him in Safeways or bought a toaster off him through the small ads. I'm just glad I made enough of an impression on the big man for him to think of me for this windfall. I feel like that wee boy when Willie Wonka made him put on gold underpants and go with him to the disco.
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Sorry to hear about your leg by the way.

Bob

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From: James Joseph

To: Bob Servant

Subject: No leg problem

Bob,

What is this about my leg? There is no problem with my leg at all Bob. Thank you very much for your mail. I hope you are interested to receive your fund if your answer is yes then lets us do everything this week so that you can receive your fund this week because time waits for no body.

Regards,

Mr James Joseph

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From: Bob Servant

To: James Joseph

Subject: A quick check?

James,

A friend who shall remain nameless (my neighbour Frank) told me you were having terrible problems with your left leg. Can you give it a quick check? Would be good to put this one to bed.

Yours,

Bob

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From: James Joseph

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Back to the business please

Bob,

Of course i would know any problem with my own leg and no there is none your firend has this all wrong. let us talk business now?

James

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From: Bob Servant

To: James Joseph

Subject: I am so sorry

James,

My deepest apologies. I don't know what got into Frank's mind. I am mortified about this blunder and I can only hold up my hands and apologise. I just hope that you can forgive me and follow the ‘British Way' when it comes to forgiving mistakes. I remember, for example, when Prince Charles admitted to having sex with a cactus.
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It was a case of holding his hands up, saying, ‘boys will be boys' and everyone moving on. That's the British Way, James. People make mistakes so please just let it go and don't be a nob about it.

Yours for Blighty,

Bob

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From: James Joseph

To: Bob Servant

Subject: No problem Bob

Sir,

I will not hold mistake against you becuse it is your friend Frank who got it wrong and you were just gving right concern about it all. Now this is not what is important to us Mr bob let us work on in good faith now after this soon as you let me know how you want to receeve your fund I promise you in the next ten working days everything is then concluded OK.

Your friend

James

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From: Bob Servant

To: James Joseph

Subject: Start the bus

OK pal let's cook this goose. It would be good to know a wee bit more about each other though. I'll start. I live here in Dundee as I said. I made a pile in the windowcleaning and cheeseburger van games and now spend my time heading out and about and checking my respect levels in Broughty Ferry's boozers. Please tell me a bit about yourself. Lift the veil off your face, James, let me see those peepers and that wonderful nose that I have heard so much about.

That last bit was all metaphors by the way.

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From: James Joseph

To: Bob Servant

Subject: My information

Dear Mr Bob Servant,

Thank you for telling me of your life and yes I will tell you of mine. Mr. Bob, I am 60 years older man and a pastor in redeem Christian church of God Nigeria I have been a pastor for more than 25 years since my life I have been working for God and my wife is also a pastor assisting me I have never traveled out of Nigeria before but I believe one day I wilt travel may be to visit you in your country.

Now about the transaction you have to tell me the way you want to receive the fund the bank has three options.

{1}BANK TO BANK WIRE TRANSFER

{2}THROUGH INTERNATIONAL BANK DRAFT.

{3}THROUGH INTERNATIONAL DEBIT CARD {ATM}

If you let me know any of this option I will let the bank know and within 10 working days the transaction will be concluded and you will have your money with you. Let me hear from you.

Regards

Mr James Joseph

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From: Bob Servant

To: James Joseph

Subject: You're in the God mob?

James,

You have no idea how happy you have made me by telling me that you are a pastor. James, ignore that stuff I said about boozers I just thought you were a boozer man and was trying to fit in. In fact I am a God man also. I'm all over the guy, reading about him and all the stuff he's done turns my heart into jelly and my eyebrows into chopsticks.

The problem is that I come from Dundee. It's not a religious place, James. The men are like wild animals and the women are worse. Ever since I found God a few months ago (wait till I tell you that one, James, put it this way he was inside a packet of Shreddies) I have been trying to get other people to join me in the God game but I've had no luck. The only religious guy I know in Dundee is that mad baker up in Clepington Road
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but he's away with it. Sometimes I feel like the only man in Dundee who will admit to having a wee ‘pal in the sky'.

To cut a long story short I'm going to have a crack at starting my own church and you sound like just the man to help me. As I said, I'm worth a few quid and would be willing to make a donation to your church if you allow me the honour of making you Chief Spiritual Adviser for what I have decided will be called the ‘Church of Broughty Ferry'?

Yours in God and Jesus,

Bob

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From: James Joseph

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Yes I will help you Bob

Dear Mr. Bob Servant,

Thank you very much Mr. Bob, am happy to read from you again and ready to do what ever you ask me to do in the name of God. Please let me know how we can start because I am ready to give you all the support you want since it is the work of our lord Jesus Christ. I wait to hear from you and yes a donation would be right.

Regards

Mr James Joseph

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From: Bob Servant

To: James Joseph

Subject: Let's Do It!

James,

That's terrific. Right well let's plan for this Sunday then for the first meeting of the Church Of Broughty Ferry. I'd better start hunting for a suitable location. What does a church need please, James? I've seen them on Songs Of Praise but I know that's all CGI.
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And how can I get people along on Sunday? Give me some bait for my Jesus hook.

Can I also please take this opportunity to say that I really appreciate you doing this for me. As it says in the bible, ‘You will meet a tall, dark stranger'. Well I think I've met mine! Welcome aboard, James.

Bob Servant

Minister, Priest and Social Secretary

The Church Of Broughty Ferry

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From: James Joseph

To: Bob Servant

Subject: My advice

Hello Bob,

I do not think it says this in the bible but do not worry on this. Yes this Sunday will be best Bob that is the day when God is most close. Bob, you can go and look for a building that has an open space that will contain at least 300 to 500 population. It must be near the commercial centre to attract the people. Bob I think people I in scottland will know God from you soon and this to to be success.

Mr. Bob for this donation I sugest that i am going to send you some of the living bible books to empower you so that you will know what to tell your congregations. I want this book to get to your door step at least by Sunday morning. This books will cost you $120 only, and you will get as many as 30 of this books to realy equip you in your ministry over there in your country for you to understand the bilble and how to apply the principle on it.

This the information to send the money.

NAME. REV. JAMES JOSEPH.

ADDRESS; LAGOS NIGERIA.

AMOUNT; $120 ONLY.

TEXT QUATIONS; BIBLE

TEXT ANSWER; CHURCH.

Rev. James Joseph.

N/B; jESUS IS LORD!

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From: Bob Servant

To: James Joseph

Subject: Call off the search we have a church

Hi James,

The books sound like a good idea, put me down for 10 copies for now. OK, I have good news because I have found our church! I took your advice that it has to be near the commercial centre so had a wee walk down the High Street. The good news is that I found a building, the bad news is that it's the public toilet.

A couple of years ago Dundee City Council passed a law that everyone had to have a toilet in their house. Apart from a few conscientious objectors
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most folk got on board so the public toilet doesn't really see much action these days. The only person that uses it is Slim Smith. I don't know if you know much about Slim Smith but he's the biggest guy in Broughty Ferry by quite some distance. I'm not entirely sure how much the guy weighs but I know that he's not measured in normal ways. What's a tonne, James? I think it might be a tonne. Or a fathom? I'm not sure. But the guy's the size of a two-berth caravan.

Anyway Slim is the only boy that uses the public toilet when he gets ‘into trouble' as he puts it. I popped into Doc Ferry's bar earlier and Slim was in there with Chick Devine and Pop Wood. Slim promised me he's not going to be in town on Sunday so we're welcome to use the toilet for our church.

The toilet itself is quite small. There are three urinals, a couple of cubicles, some taps and so on. I was thinking that I'll put a plank over the sinks and stand up there, and the urinals could be a religious water feature. There's a nice high roof and with the tiling the hymns should sound wonderful.

I was also thinking, James, that a toilet is surely quite appropriate? The people in Dundee are full of the devil's poison and I have to get it out of their body in the same way you get things out of your body at the toilet. It is God that will push the poison out which I guess means Jesus is the toilet paper to clean up afterwards and I suppose I am the hand holding the toilet paper if you like. Do you follow, more or less, what I'm saying?

Maybe I'm not making myself clear James and I apologise if that's the case. As it says in the bible ‘You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps!!!!'

Photo of the Church attached, it needs a wee tidy but as I said it ticks all the boxes

Bob Servant

Head Honcho

The Church of Broughty Ferry