Why Me? (16 page)

Your wee Servant,

Timmy Servant

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From: Michael Wong

To: Timmy Servant

Subject: Tell you father

You are a kind person Timmy. Now you are bringing the man out in you now, by thinking like a wise man. Please tell your father to do the business now.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Michael Wong

Subject: Party Time

Michael,

Just had a message from Timmy to say he's got himself a piece of skirt and he's bringing her back to the house tonight. My God, Michael, I don't know what you said but you have worked some magic here! Timmy has never had any skirt before. I've invited my pal Frank round, he usually makes fun of Timmy so it will be good for him to see my son with his first skirt and my wife is also absolutely delighted about this. I'm going to nip down to Maciocia's chipper and pick up their special ‘My Son's First Skirt' battered sausage platter.
³³
I've just finished preparing the house in celebration and took a photo for you.

There's lots of excitement round here at Bob's Palace and it's all thanks to you Michael, well done!

³⁴

Bob

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From: Michael Wong

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Contact Bank

Mr. Bob

i am so happy about the Grace of God to help me answer your son question. its my pleasure today that you all are all happy today at you home it is nice to hear that. I hope this special meal is success and I want to say your home is beautiful with the special design. So Bob i want to ask you if you have contact the bank today? Hope to read your mail

God Bless You And Your Family.

Thanks,

Michael

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From: Bob Servant

To: Michael Wong

Subject: Total Humiliation

Michael,

I am going to try very hard here not to lose my temper with you but it will not be easy because you have stitched me up like a kipper and thrown away the key.

Right, well let me begin with Timmy's so-called skirt. FUCK ME. Michael, at first I thought it was one of his mates dressed up as a laugh. In fact, make that two of his mates. I wasn't sure where the mouth was, things were that bad. She looked like a hungover Geoff Capes. Timmy's mum started crying and ran off and my pal Frank had an absolute field day, saying things like ‘He's hit the jackpot there, Bob' and then kept cupping his ear and giving it ‘do we hear wedding bells?' until I threw him out.

Anyway, I asked his alleged skirt to leave (you should have seen her walk Michael, she moved like a docker) and sent Timmy to bed even though he kept whining that it was all ‘Michael's idea'.

You have caused huge embarrassment to my family, Michael. To my wife and Timmy and, far more importantly, to me. I asked you to give Timmy advice and the next thing you know he winds up with a bird that looks like Michael Heseltine.

Why have you done this to me?

Bob

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From: Michael Wong

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Give him a chance

Mr. Bob,

I think you have to take it easy with your boy Timmy. You must be careful because I believe his choice of woman for life is for him. You can not choose everything for him in his life Bob is you want to really want to make him happy as a man. Beauty its not everything in life Bob. I have attach all the answers I gave Timmy so you can see I was only doing my best for you and your family Bob. Anyway let us forget this for now and finish the business.

Your friend,

Michael

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From: Frank The Plank

To: Michael Wong

Subject: GREAT FUN

MICHAEL I AM BOB'S FRIEND FRANK. I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI AND THANKS FOR THE BEST LAUGH I'VE HAD FOR A WHILE. CHEERS PAL, I'VE BEEN CELEBRATING ALL DAY! I ATTACH A PHOTO OF MY HOUSE.

ALL THE BEST AND THAT,

FRANK

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From: Michael Wong

To: Frank The Plank

Subject: This is not what I wanted

You are not a good man to make laugh of this and that is Bob's house so why say that?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Michael Wong

Subject: It gets worse

Michael,

Things have gone a bit Spielberg here.
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Timmy's not in his bedroom, looks like the little bugger's run away. I'm off out to look for him.

Bob

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From: Timmy Servant

To: Michael Wong

Subject: What is Your Address?

Hello Michael

It is Timmy here I'm hiding at the Internet Cafe.
I have had problems with my Dad who is an idiot. He said my girlfriend was ‘an offence' and asked her to get out our house so I climbed out the window and my girlfriend and I are going to run away. Can we come and live with you? I could work cleaning your house and my girlfriend says she could work as a bouncer at a local pub,

Timmy

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From: Michael Wong

To: Timmy Servant

Subject: Go Home

Dear Timmy,

Yes your dad told me you are not around so please come back home with your dad please and tell your dad i told you to do this. Right now timmy do not worry about the girlfriend tell her to go home for now to her own home

Michael

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From: Timmy Servant

To: Michael Wong

Subject: RE: Go Home

Can we not come and live with you?
My girlfriend says she could work as an enforcer for a local debt collecting company?

Timmy

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From: Michael Wong

To: Timmy Servant

Subject: No

No Timmy you must go home and tell your father it was me that told you to go home and this was why you did it.

Michael

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From: Michael Wong

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Timmy

OK Bob I have some news. I have found Timmy for you. he is very angry because you wronged him with his girl and embarassed him with her. I have spoken sense to him and saved this terrible position. He will come home now because I have told him. Bob i hope you appreciate what I have done for you here and if you are anyman of honor you will now send me the information i require.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Michael Wong

Subject: Keep him

Michael,

Good to hear from you. Listen, do me favour and tell Timmy to go and live somewhere else will you? The last couple of days have been absolutely terrific and it's only now I realise how annoying and selfish Timmy can be. There has been a lot more food to go about and it's been great watching the telly without having him whine about wanting to watch something.

And the best thing is I'll never have to see his skirt again. Honestly Michael, you wouldn't believe it unless you saw it. I attach a sketch I've done from memory that is probably about 90% accurate.

Cheers,

Bob