Willow Grove Abbey (29 page)

I threw the towel down.
I was weeping, but Spence was far too angry to care about my tears. I couldn’t blame him. He was correct, and I knew it. There was nothing left to say. It was perfectly obvious that no amount of pleading on my part was going to undo the hurt I had caused. Nothing could bring back the three years of Isabella’s life he had missed, nor make up for the fact that she wouldn’t be raised as her father’s daughter. To the world, she would always be Isabella Winnsborough.

“I need to get so
me air, Sophia. I don’t recall ever being this bloody angry. When I have had a chance to think, I shall be in touch with you. Not because I want anything more to do with you, but because I
do
intend to have
some
part in my daughter’s life. I just cannot think how that can be arranged. I can’t think logically about anything right now.” He stood up and walked to the lift, and in a matter of moments, he was gone, before I had a chance to say another word. I sat on the sofa sobbing, feeling horrendous anguish. How could I have been so stupid? Spence was right. I should have told him. Everything would have been all right. Why had I been such a fool?

“
Mummy, why are you crying?” Isabella’s voice penetrated my thoughts. She was standing in front of me, still holding her doll, dressed in a white night dress, her black curls shining.

“Oh darling.
Mummy’s just had an upsetting conversation. It will be all right. Don’t fret about it. Come here and let me hold you. That’ll make me feel better.” Isabella crawled onto my lap, and buried her head on my shoulder.

“Is
Mummy thad?” she asked.

“I’
m all right, sweetheart. Everything will be fine.”

“That
man made you cry.”

“No, he’s a nice
man, Isabella. He didn’t do anything. I did something silly and it made him sad. That’s why I’m crying.”

“
Then thay you’re sorry.”

“Perhaps, b
aby.” I kissed the top of Isabella’s head. “Mummy’s very tired now. Would you like to come and sleep in my bed with me?”

“Yeth
. May I?” It was one of her favorite, special things to do.

“Yes, you
may,” I answered. I carried her to the bedroom, tucked her under the down comforter, and prepared myself for bed. Turning out the light, I snuggled next to my little girl’s warm body, and thanked God for blessing me with such a treasure. However, even the comfort of Isabella couldn’t erase Spence’s words from my memory. I finally drifted into restless sleep with a heavy heart.

I did not hear from him for a week. When he finally called, I had almost willed myself to believe that everything would be all right. I tried to imagine that when he’d had time to think it through, he would see that there’d been justification for my behavior. He would forgive me. Needless to say, that was fantasy. While he seemed subdued, and much more controlled, it was apparent that he was every bit as angry as he had been. His feelings hadn’t changed.

“
Sophia,” he began. “I want to talk to you about the decision I’ve reached regarding Isabella, and my place in her life.”

“All right,” I
answered. I was hopeful that, at least if he wanted to be a part of Isabella’s life, I would be able to see him.
Perhaps, in time, he would mellow. After all, he could not have stopped loving me so abruptly.
I knew that he was terribly hurt, and I understood why. However I had always been an incurable believer that time was a healer.

“I don’t intend to see her again,” he flatly stated.

“What?” I replied, astonished.

“I don’t intend to see Isabella. I don’t think it’s fair to her, and it’s terribly painful for
me. She is not old enough to understand all of this, and I have no wish to cause her confusion. Perhaps someday when she’s older, and can better comprehend.”

“But, Spence, don’t you think she deserves to know her father?”

“I think you’ve a bloody lot of nerve making
that
statement. If you’d been concerned about Isabella knowing her father, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.”

“All right, Spence.
I know I was wrong. I cannot do anything to change that now. I have said I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough. But, does Isabella have to pay for my mistakes the rest of her life?”

“
Sophia. If you and Owen had remained married, would you
ever
have told Isabella the truth? Would
I
ever
have known the truth? Would
Owen
ever
have known the truth? I do not think so. You were perfectly prepared to make Isabella pay for your mistakes the rest of her life, until you got caught in your lies.”

“I
did
tell Owen the truth. He knew about the entire, sordid scheme. He understood.... Better than you do. Why do you want to go back over the past repeatedly? Why can’t we start from today with the truth?”

“Because I’ll never trust you again. Now you tell
me that Owen knew. Perhaps that bit of knowledge contributed to his suicide. Has that crossed your mind,
Lady Winnsborough?”

“The knowledge that Isabella wasn’t his child had
nothing
... Absolutely
nothing...
To do with Owen’s decision to end his life
.
He even wanted to give the baby his name, and there was no animosity.”

“Well, that’s just delightful,” Spence, responded
, in a sarcastic tone. “I’m so glad that everyone was so civil about the fact that I was being shut of my own child’s life.”

“I accept your anger.
I accept any rotten words you want to throw at my head. But, I still don’t see why you don’t want to know and love your daughter now that you have the chance.”

“
Sophia, are you
unable
to think about what is best for Isabella... Instead of yourself? You are only twenty-one years old. You will be married again someday. I have no doubt of that. When that time comes, Isabella will become someone else’s daughter once again. She cannot
truly
be my daughter. It would be a delusion to think so. All I would do is cause her heartache by muddying the waters. It is far kinder to let her go on thinking that she’s Lord Winnsborough’s only child, until she has to learn to accept a step-father. It’s the kindest thing to do for her now.”

“I don’t agree, Spence, but I’ll do whatever you ask.”

“That’s what I’m asking.”

“Shal
l I have any contact with you at all?”

“No, unl
ess of course Isabella is ever ill or should need anything. I’ll always want to help her in any way I can, if she needs me.”

I was holding back tears as I
answered. “All right, Spence. I understand. I won’t bother you.”

“
Alright. Goodbye, Sophia. I wish it could have been different,” he said, as he rang off quite abruptly.

I
was devastated. Everything I’d dreamed had ended, and the world crashed about me, with nothing remaining except memories and empty promises. I had managed once before to pick myself up, and move on, accepting that Spence wouldn’t be a part of my life, but I wondered if I could do so a second time. Thank God, I had Isabella. Just as my precious little girl had provided a reason to go on when she was still in my womb, the need to care for and protect her would have to sustain me again. I knew that there was no one to blame but myself, and repeatedly I tried to analyze why I had lied. Doctor Hausfater could have helped me to sort out the entire muddle, and I knew that he would surely have helped me to understand my abhorrent behavior, but I couldn’t imagine telling him the truth either. I was truly heartsick. But responsibilities at home, as well as my work at
University,
didn’t allow for a fall into the abyss of self-pity. Between what I perceived as the loss of my best friend to the enemy, and the loss of the great love of my life, it was difficult not to sink into a deep depression.

I
was
somewhat relieved when Edwina rang me, and said that she and Dieter would not be living in Germany. They were to remain in Paris, and Edwina would not be giving up her British citizenship. Dieter was assigned as an Attaché to the German Embassy in Paris, and they planned to move to a larger flat, near the Place de la Concorde. At least I was not going to have to relinquish Edwina completely to the Rhineland. I hoped that perhaps in time, Edwina might return to England. It was foolish to think that Dieter could be persuaded that England was a lovely land, but it was easier than facing reality.

Frightening headlines in the
newspapers, on 19 March, 1939 made everyone realize that it was probably only a matter of time before whatever peace we enjoyed would be shattered. Hitler took over most of Czeckslovakia. Hoping to save Poland from a similar fate, Britain joined with France in guaranteeing Poland’s independence. Many believed that war between England and Germany was inevitable. I could not imagine Edwina married to a man who might soon
truly
be the
enemy
. I tried to convince Edwina to return to England, at least until the unrest eased, but her resolve was steadfast. I had never known her to be quite so stubborn and closed-minded, and feared that Dieter was already having a negative effect upon her. On the other hand, she did seem to be sincerely in love. I had terribly conflicting feelings, as she had been such a loyal friend. A part of me wanted to defend her choice, and share in her happiness. However, whenever I thought of Dieter, the memory of his cold stare and seemingly fanatic bigotry reappeared in my memories. Whatever my feelings, the marriage became a
fait accompli
in May. I sent a massive floral arrangement, accompanied by a
Western Union Wire,
wishing them great happiness, but I silently sat in the flat on Sumner Street weeping. I knew that Edwina and I would never again be such close friends, and another chapter in my life had closed.

S
ummer was horribly sad and dismal. Usually my very favorite season, it only seemed to resurrect memories of that other unforgettable summer with Spence. That and fear of a war with Germany created a lot of stress. Only Isabella and work saved me. The textbook project progressed beautifully, and I was proud of the work I was doing. Doctor Hausfater praised me repeatedly, which helped to heal the wounds of the past few months. Isabella continued to blossom, and as her third birthday approached, I enrolled her in a nursery school at a nearby Parish. She was to begin in September, and was terribly excited about meeting other children. She was such a bright child. I knew that an early start on schooling would undoubtedly be superb for her hungry, little mind.

T
hat first day of school in 1939 never became a reality, for on the first of September Hitler’s army marched into Poland. Two days later, Britain and France declared War. From that moment on, nobody’s life was the same. On Sunday, 3 September, 1939 I had just returned from church services, looking forward to an afternoon relaxing in front of the fire, reading the
Times,
and sharing some special moments with Isabella. I turned on the wireless, and began to enjoy a
BBC
Broadcast of classical music, while reading. Suddenly, there was an interruption in the programing, and an announcer’s voice came over the airwaves. With a strong note of gravity, he proclaimed that since eleven o’clock, Britain had been at war with Germany. Martha joined me in the parlor, and we sat in shocked silence. I had known in my heart that such a moment was on the imminent, as there had been rumors all summer long. They had definitely increased during the days following the invasion of Poland. Nevertheless, like so many others, I had desperately wanted to believe that something would happen to avert such a catastrophe. Now, there would be no turning back. The future appeared ominous and terrifying. Isabella sensed that something was amiss and came to stand by me, grasping my hand. We listened, as the announcer went on to state all of the changes our country now faced. It was surreal and beastly. I wondered how, while sitting in a safe, secure London parlor, sipping tea, there could be such horror-taking place on the European continent. The telephone rang and it was Mummy. Naturally, she too had heard the broadcast, which was what had prompted the call.

“
Sophia, you must come home at once,” she asserted. “London will become a very dangerous place. Everyone will want to evacuate to the country. You are fortunate that you have
Willow Grove
Abbey
to come to.”

“
Mummy, wait,” I, implored. “I haven’t had time to think about what I’m going to do. I am rather inclined not to make any hasty decisions. I appreciate your offer, but London is my home. I’m not certain I should want to leave, unless it becomes absolutely necessary.”

“For Heaven’s sake,
Sophia. Do not be obtuse. You cannot remain in a city that in all likelihood will be bombed. Your father agrees with me. I cannot and shall not allow it.”

“
Mummy, I’m an adult. I shall make this decision. Please trust me to do what I think is right.” I glanced at Martha, and made a wry face. Martha smiled ruefully in return. “Mummy, I’ll ring you back in a bit. Thank you for calling and I promise to give your suggestion serious thought.” That seemed to pacify her for the moment, but as I rang off I suddenly felt very young and alone. I spent the remainder of the day trying to glean more details from the radio, and making several telephone calls, to my brothers, Dr. Hausfater and other friends. Blake and Susan, who happened to be in London from Scotland, stopped by about five o’clock, followed by Drew and Annie afterwards. We were together when we learned that France, too, had declared war against Germany. That evening, we all sat in a circle round the radio as King George broadcast an emotional and heartfelt message to the nation. None of our eyes was dry, as the broadcast came to its conclusion. I remembered how a similar scene had played out when Edward the Eighth abdicated. This time, even Blake, who seldom showed emotion, was profoundly moved. Annie, Susan and I excused ourselves and went to the kitchen, on the pretense of making tea. I asked Martha to prepare Isabella for bed, as I wanted to be able to speak freely to my sister’s-in-law, and did not want to alarm my child. I could tell that Annie was having a difficult time accepting that Drew would undoubtedly be a member of the military before months’ end. I had spoken with Blake and Susan earlier in the day, and he was already certain that he would be enlisting immediately.

“W
hat will you do?” I asked.

“I’
m not certain, Sophia. I’ll probably wait to see if Drew remains in London or is posted elsewhere. Then, I shall make my decision. It’s an awful thing to say, but I’m actually grateful that we don’t have children to consider. I’m sorry if that isn’t a thoughtful thing to say to you. I don’t mean it in a hateful way, Sophia. You know that I adore Isabella. It’s just that in our case since we don’t have children I won’t have to worry about their welfare.” Drew and Annie had been trying for years to have a child, but had met with beastly luck. Blake and Susan were not yet parents either. Of course, he had the two children by Elizabeth... Blake, Jr. and Pippin, but I was certain they would remain with their mother, Elizabeth, in the country. She lived just outside of
Bedminster- with -Hartcliffe
. So I was the lone one among my siblings who had a small child to consider in the entire muddle. I needed their advice, as it was difficult not having a husband to speak with about such important matters.

“I u
nderstand what you mean,” I replied. “It’s perfectly understandable. I am so confused now, Annie. I can’t believe this has happened,”