Willow Grove Abbey (31 page)

“Well, look who’s here,” he began, “and I see you’ve been taking splendid care of
Elizabeth
, just as I knew you would.”

“I love her very
much.” Isabella replied.

“I’
m sure she loves you just as much. She’s very pretty, isn’t she? Almost as pretty as you are. You’ve grown in just the short while since I last saw you, haven’t you?”

“Yeth. Everyone tellth
me I’m quite pretty.” She smiled shyly, looking at the floor.

“Indeed you are,” Spence laughed. “Could you co
me over here and sit by me on the sofa, while we talk about something rather important?” Isabella looked at me for permission, and I took her over to the sofa settling her between Spence and me. I was extremely apprehensive.

“
Mummy told me you‘re going away to fight in the war, Isabella said.

If I’
m lucky, I won’t have to do too much fighting. Because I’m a doctor, I’ll try to save lives and help people who get hurt. That will be my job. I’ll be called a flight surgeon, which means that sometimes I’ll go along on the airplanes with the men who are flying them, and sometimes I’ll fly them myself. I’ll help them if they find themselves in trouble or injured.”

“Oh
… I thee” she answered.

Of course, she didn’t.

“When will you come back?”

I’
m not exactly certain, Isabella. That’s why I wanted to see you tonight. It might be a long time before I can see you again.”

Isabella’s face took on a puzzled expression. A tiny line for
med between her brows as she asked, “But why did you want to thee me?”

“Because you’re very i
mportant to me, Isabella.”

Why a
m I ‘portent to you?

“Isabella, it’s a very long story, and your
Mummy will help you to understand it better at a later time. It isn’t important right now that you understand all of the details. There’s only one, really big and important part of the story that I want you to know.”

“Doth it have a happy ending?” She asked.

“I think it’s a very happy ending. I hope you’ll think so too, sweet girl.”

“What ith the sthory about?”

“It’s about you, your Mummy and me, and about how I got a huge surprise not too long ago when I learned something wonderful.”

“What did you learn?’

“Isabella, I learned that I’m your real Papa.” T
here. He’d said it. It was out in the open.

Isabella was co
mpletely silent, and her eyes grew very large. Finally, she spoke. “But, my Papa lived at Winnthsborough Hall and he died. His name was Lord Winnsthsborough.” It was hard not to smile at the lisp with which she pronounced ‘Winnsborough’, but it was important that we keep the conversation serious.

Yes
... Well... That’s what I thought too, but it turns out it was a mistake.” Spence glanced over at me. “Lord Winnsborough was a fine man, and he was proud to have you for a daughter, just as I am. But, it turns out that I am your
true
Papa. I know that’s hard to understand. You see, I knew your Mummy before she married Lord Winnsborough, and we fell very much in love. When two people love each other very much, sometimes they’re lucky enough to be able to make a baby together. That’s what happened with your Mummy and me. We made you.”

Isabella looked confused. “What
makth a baby?”
Oh Goodness. Now we’re really in deep muck. How do we explain this to her?

“A
man and a woman start off loving each other a lot, and then a beautiful and mysterious thing happens. God plants a seed inside the Mummy, and it becomes a baby. When it grows big enough to live outside of the Mummy’s body, it is born. The baby we made was you.”

“Oh
... now I thee,” she replied.”

There was no question that s
he didn’t see at all, and I only hoped that Isabella would accept Spence’s simple explanation until she was old enough to understand the biologic details.

How do you feel about this news, Isabella? I intervened.

“Did god put Doctor Sthanton’s theed in your tummy, Mummy?”

“Yes, darling, he did. And I was very happy to know that I was going to have his baby.”

Isabella turned to Spence “But if you are my Papa, why did I think my Papa wath Lord Winnthsborough?”

Spence answered in a sad voice. “Because, sweetheart, it was a giant
mistake. I didn’t know your Mummy and I had made a baby. If I’d known, I would have been a part of your life from the very beginning.”
I felt horribly guilty. Because of my stupidity, Isabella now had to adjust to this astonishing news at three years of age, instead of having securely known her Papa from birth.

“Did
you
know, Mummy? She asked, turning to look at me.

This was the question I had dreaded.
“Yes, Isabella. I knew. It’s all very complicated. Mummy made an awful mistake. I didn’t tell Dr. Stanton that we had made a baby.”

“But, why?
” She turned back to Spence, with eyes that were wise beyond her years. “Didn’t you want me to be your baby?”

“Oh, Isabella. I should have wanted you
more than anything in the world. Don’t ever, ever think that I wouldn’t have wanted you. And please don’t feel angry toward your Mummy. She did what she thought was right at the time. Someday she’ll explain it to you in more detail. The important thing is that you and I both know now. I hope and pray that you’ll be happy that I’m your Papa”

She s
miled at him, and reached out to take his hand. “Yeth, and you can bring me prethents and we can play together. I think it would be nice having you for a Papa” I was so relieved. I sensed that Spence was holding back tears. He cleared his throat several times.

“Well
... so... then, that settles it, doesn’t it? At least for now. I’m going to have to leave to help with the war, but I’ll come back to see you as often as possible, and will write you long letters, and send you presents.”

“
May I call you Papa,” she asked?

“That would
make me the happiest man alive,” he replied, smiling broadly.

Isabella crawled onto his lap,
and put her arms about his neck, hugging him fiercely. “Papa, I think you are very nice,” she murmured.

“Oh, Isabella, I think you’re very nice too, and I pro
mise I’ll try to be the best Papa in the world.” She disengaged herself from him, and pulled back a bit, looking up into his eyes.

“When you co
me back, will you live with me and Mummy forever?”

I quickly intervened.
“I don’t know about that, Isabella. But, you
will
see a lot of your Papa, just as soon as it’s possible.”

She looked at
me with her old soul eyes. “I would like for all of uth to live together. She crawled down off of Spence’s lap, and stood in front of us.
You, Papa, Martha and me
, she stated in a stern, little voice. Then she put her hands upon her hips, and pronounced fiercely, “
Papasth live in the thame houthes where the Mummy’sth and little girl’sth live.”

“
Well, we’ll just have to think on that,” Spence answered. He couldn’t help but laugh. “You feel quite strongly about this, don’t you, Isabella?”

“Yeth, I do.

“I can see that,” Spence answered.

“
I know you would love that darling,” I broke in. Let’s just take one thing at a time, shall we? Would you like Papa to tuck you back into bed? I promise we’ll talk more about this tomorrow.”

“Yeth, I’d like that very
much. Do you think you could read me a sthory?” She asked, looking at Spence searchingly.

“Of course I’ll read you a story,” he replied, as he stood up and took her by the hand.
I was hesitant about whether I should accompany them, but quickly decided that if Isabella wanted me, she would ask. I watched as she marched down the hallway, with
Elizabeth
in her right hand and Spence’s hand in her left. I heard her tell him that she wanted to show him her nursery, which I interpreted as a good sign, as she obviously wasn’t feeling the need to assuage feelings of insecurity by returning to my bed. I sat alone in the parlor, contemplating everything that had happened. The relief at having the truth out in the open was overwhelming. I knew that I would have to brace myself to tell my parents and brothers the truth also. Amazingly, that seemed like a minor hurdle. I felt terribly grateful to Spence for handling such a difficult situation in the manner he had. Although I had no idea what, if any, impact this would have upon our relationship, I knew that it was going to have a very positive influence upon Isabella’s life. After nearly an hour, Spence returned, looking much less solemn, and very relieved. “She’s sleeping. Children are amazing, aren’t they?” He said.

“Yes. So resilient. Thank you, Spence. I do think this was a terribly wise decision. You’ve obviously
made her very happy”

“It has
made me happy, too. I feel better than in a long time. Anger is so unhealthy. It eats away at a person, until they wonder if they can bear another moment of pain.”

“I’
m sorry for everything, Spence. I was a stupid, immature fool.” I began to weep. He was standing by the fireplace, with an unreadable expression on his face. He turned, as though in preparation to leave, but then stopped in the foyer. Striding over to where I sat, half-slumped over the arm of the sofa with my head buried in a cushion, he reached out and placed his arms about my waist, pulling me to my feet. Then, he swept me into his arms, and kissed me with fierce passion. But, as quickly as the embrace began it ended, and he dropped his arms to his sides.

“Spence, what is it? Why did you stop? You know how I feel about you
... That I’ve always loved you. Can’t you forgive my foolishness? You just said that you aren’t angry anymore.”

“
Sophia, Sophia. No, I’m not angry, and yes, I’ve forgiven you. My reluctance to renew our relationship has nothing to do with forgiveness.”

“What does it have to do with, then?”

“Trust, Sophia. Without trust, there’s no hope for a relationship. I want to trust you, but I’m just not certain that I can. Don’t you understand what your lies did to me? How can I be certain that the next time you’re faced with a crisis, you won’t revert to dishonesty?”

“Spence, I know what I did was wrong. I would never, ever do anything so foolish again. I’ll never let
my parents rule my life like that again”

“
Sophia, it isn’t just my being able to trust you. I need to believe that you trust
me.
If you had trusted me before, when you learned you were pregnant, you would have come to
me
, not to
Edwina.
You would have trusted that I would have known what to do, and how to handle it”

“I realize that, Spence. I acted like a frightened child. But, I’ve grown and changed. Please believe
me”

“
Sophia, now is not the time to begin anew. We’re at war and no one knows how long it will last. We haven’t the time necessary to learn to trust again. I’m not ready to make that sort of commitment, and certainly not in the midst of war. Too many people have made rash decisions in times of war, only to regret them later. I’m not going to start something I cannot finish. Let’s just leave it as it is for now.”

“I re
member another time when we said that to one another,” I said, through my tears. That beautiful, innocent summer when first we met. Only that time I said it to you.”

“Yes. I re
member. Do you think I’ve forgotten one moment of that splendid summer? I’ve ached with memories of those times.”

“So have I, Spence. And for all of your talk tonight of rationality and trust
, I believe... No... I’m certain, that you still love me. And I know I still love you. Nothing you can say, and no amount of time is ever going to change that.”

He looked at
me with those piercing, blue eyes, and I felt that he could see my soul. “Sophia, I once told you that I believed we’d known each other forever. I still truly feel that we were destined to be part of one another’s lives. I cannot deny that I love you. I’ll probably always love you. But, I don’t believe that love, by itself, is enough. You said those same words at the
Royal
that last night. I can’t believe I’m saying them now. In many ways, Sophia, you’re still a child. Still believing that love conquers all. You were right that night at the
Thames Room
, though you didn’t really mean what you were saying. Life isn’t so romantic. Love does not conquer all. I simply don’t intend to start something anew with you. I’m sorry if I gave you that impression.”

I was terribly wounded. Openly weeping again, I cried out to hi
m. “Why do you want to be unhappy? Why? Perhaps I
am
still a child, but I know one thing with absolute certainty. It doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong. What matters is who lets go of the anger first. No, I don’t believe that love conquers all. But, I’m certain that when two people love each other, they can work through just about anything. I made a mistake, Spence, and in spite of your calm, reasonable words, I think you’re still harboring anger towards me. Now it’s you who are making a mistake. I think you’re punishing me for being such a little nit, and if that’s the case then there is nothing...nothing at all... that I can do about it.” There was silence in the room, and I could hear him breathing. The embers in the fireplace were dying, and the wind outside on Sumner Street caused a branch to brush against the window pane. I was praying that he would take me into his arms again. But, then, he spoke.