Willow Grove Abbey (34 page)

“No, no
Sophia. I’m talking here about unconditional love. If she loved him... really loved him... then she would love him unconditionally. And that means that she would want him to be happy, no matter what. Don’t you understand that?”

“No, Edwina, I don’t. That is
not
love. What about the vows they made to one another when they married, and pledged to spend the rest of their lives with one another? For better or worse?”

“Well, your
mother didn’t turn out to be the person he thought she was. She put on a huge act to get him. She saw a good thing and went after it. Well, she got him, and she’s made his life miserable ever since.”

“And I’
m beginning to wonder if
he
didn’t have something to do with that. It
wasn’t
Mummy who went after Papa. He had inherited
Willow Grove Abbey
and had learned that the estate was almost totally insolvent. He had to find a wife very quickly, who could provide a large dowry. Mummy met all of his qualifications.”

“
Sophia, naturally she did. Any woman of means would have been more than happy to give him whatever she had, if it solved his problems and made him happy. That
is
unconditional love.”

“No, Edwina, I don’t know that. And there are things about hi
m that you don’t know. Your foolish comments about so-called ‘unconditional love’ are so much drivel. If Papa was simply looking for love, why did he make certain that the wife he chose could provide him with heaps of money? Perhaps Mummy has always felt, deep down, that Papa never really loved her, but only married her for money he so desperately needed. Perhaps that accounts for her behavior. Who knows how differently she might have been, if she had truly felt loved? At any rate, I don’t think that you are in a position to be telling
me
about
my
father.”

“I think I know hi
m a bit better than you do,” she shouted.

“I’
m sure you do, in certain ways. But, I have known him
and my mother
for a lifetime.”

This wasn’t the Edwina I
had always known. It was true that she’d always had some values that were different from mine, but we could never have been as close as we’d been, if our values were so divergent.
I couldn’t think what direction I should take. I knew Edwina would call Papa the moment our conversation ended, and if he was as taken with her as she implied, he would not be supportive of me in any way.

“Are you going to tell your
mother,” Edwina asked? I had a grave suspicion that Edwina hoped I
would
tell my mother. I believe that she thought all of her problems might be solved if Mummy knew the truth, as she assumed that there would undoubtedly be a divorce if the affair became known. That would leave Papa free to marry her. But, what about Dieter, and what about the baby?

“I
don’t know. I don’t think I’m going to tell her,” I answered. “It would probably kill her.” I did not know what else to say. “I need time, Edwina. This is a tremendous shock. I don’t see how we can continue on, as though nothing has happened, and yet I don’t know how to do anything else. I’ve always loved you so, and of course I love Papa. But, I cannot imagine the two of you involved in a relationship. I don’t know how I can bear this. We cannot just go back to our old ways, Edwina. That simply isn’t possible.”

“Please think very hard about it. We need to talk
more. I need you to understand my feelings.”

“It would help if you tried to understand
my
feelings, as well, Edwina,” I answered. “And whose baby are you carrying?” I blurted out. There was a sinking feeling in my heart.
My God! Was Edwina carrying a brother or sister of mine?

“No
... No, Sophia. The baby is Dieter’s. At least
I think
it is. I don’t want Dieter to know, because I’m not certain what I’m going to do. I wish I didn’t have to go through with the pregnancy. On the other hand, if the baby is
Nigel’s
, I’d want it very much. This is very much like what you went through with Isabella.”

“Edwina, you really have lost your
mind. In the first place, Spence was not married. Secondly, I had only had sexual relations with one man, when I married Owen. Thirdly, I knew who the baby’s father was. Yes, I
did
lie to Owen, and that was wicked of me. If I could turn the clock back, I would never have done so. But, all in all, there is absolutely no resemblance between my situation with Owen, and yours. Edwina, I do not understand how you can’t be certain who the father of your child is?”

“Oh,
Sophia, don’t be obtuse. You know exactly how it would be possible for me not to be certain.”

“In other words, you had relations with both of the
m at about the same time. Right?”

“Yes. And, if it
is
Nigel’s child, then I know he would leave your mother and marry me. I just know it. If a woman loves a man unconditionally, then she wants him to be happy, no matter what. You mother couldn’t possibly stand by and watch your poor father be labeled the father of a bastard. Not if she truly loves him. And if
you
loved him unconditionally, as a daughter ought to, then you should want him to be with me instead of your mother. I am praying that this child is Nigel’s. Nothing would thrill me more. Don’t you see that this baby would be your half-brother or sister?””

“
Oh yes, Edwina. I understand that all too well. And you expect me to be happy about such a thing? My God, Edwina, what do you intend to do about your marriage? Are you going to let Dieter think that this is his child, when it may not be? Are you going to divorce him? Or, does he know of your affair? Does he even know about the child?”

She answered
in an exasperated tone. “Sophia. I haven’t the slightest notion what I’m going to do about my marriage, other than of course, I don’t intend for it to continue past the birth of my baby. I have no intention of letting my child be called a ‘bastard,’ I want Dieter’s name on the birth certificate, unless of course, Nigel leaves your mother and we are either married or about to be, when the child is born. Then, I would put ‘Somerville’ on the Certificate. Yes, if I must let Dieter think he is the father, I shall. You weren’t above doing that when you married Owen to give Isabella a father.”

She was correct about that. “Yes, I’
m well aware of that. It was a ghastly thing to have done. I was acting like a child, and I never, ever should have done what I did. I shall spend my whole life trying to make up for doing such a rotten, vile thing.”

“Well, haven’t you turned into a little Saint? I wonder if you’d b
e saying that if Spence weren’t back in your life, and you weren’t hoping to snag him and make him the legitimate father of Isabella.”

“Edwina that is an unkind and unnecessary co
mment. Spence
is
Isabella’s legitimate father. You know that I have loved Spence from the moment I laid eyes upon him. Of course I’d love to see my precious little girl have the father she should have had since birth. But, that has nothing to do with my feelings regarding whether it was right or wrong for me to have done what I did when I married Owen.”

“No
matter, Sophia. Believe whatever you wish. I have my own problems to deal with. My only concern at present is whether or not I can marry your father before I give birth.”

“
I think you’re being terribly narcissistic, Edwina, and terribly irrational. I’m telling you right now that I don’t believe Papa will ever leave my mother. They have a history together... a long history. They have raised three children together.”

She laughed.
She actually laughed. “I think I know him a bit better than Pamela does.”

“You
may know him in a different way than she does, Edwina, but not necessarily better,” I retorted, in outrage.

“Ha! I had
my first
orgasm
with him,” Edwina shouted.

I was aghast. This was beyond the pale.
No daughter should ever have to hear such a thing about her father and her best friend. There were not words to express my fury. “Edwina, I cannot discuss this with you any further. I’m thoroughly disgusted with you at the moment. Please don’t try to contact me. I need to ring off. I shall think, and try to be fair. I’ll try to see this as I would if I’d just learned that my father was engaged in an affair, but that the other woman wasn’t you.”

“Yes
... yes... that’s a good way to think of it, Sophia. We can get through this. Think of all that we’ve weathered in the past.”

“I
am
thinking about everything we’ve been through together. The problem, Edwina, is that my father
is
engaged in an affair with my best friend. I don’t see how I can just pretend that isn’t true.”

Edwina
had been the best... the dearest friend any girl could ever have been blessed with. If I concentrated upon the past, perhaps I could survive the shock. Nevertheless, it was the present that I couldn’t cope with.

“
I need time to think,” I shouted, slamming down the receiver. Our conversation ended, but my upset didn’t. I had no idea what the future held, and was surely in a state of shock. What I’d always done when placed into a position where I felt unable to cope, was retreat into denial. And, looking back, that’s exactly what I did. In a pathetic attempt to retain my closeness, both with Edwina and with my father, I decided to live with the knowledge of their involvement, as though nothing had changed. It was a repeat of my old need to win my parent’s approval. With a new twist. I thought that if I gave my blessing to the illicit affair, Papa would be forever grateful, and his approval of me would skyrocket. And it actually worked, for a while, until I had to face the fact that it wasn’t a game. It wasn’t pretend. Edwina and I were no longer school girls, giggling over crushes. There were
real
persons involved.... My mother, father, my school roommate, and me. It was absurd for me to believe that it could ever end in anything but heartache.

***

P
apa rang early the following morning. Naturally, I’d been expecting his call. I was already up and dressed, and Isabella had been fed. Martha had taken her for an outing.

“I gather you had a rather disquieting conversation with Edwina last night,” he began.
He sounded somewhat ashamed, but one could never tell with Papa. He was so terribly good at playing any role he was thrust into.

“Quite,” I
answered. “Are you able to speak openly?”

“Yes. Your
mother is still sleeping. Sophia, I’m sorry if this has upset you. This isn’t how I planned to tell you.”

“Did you plan to tell
me at all?” I’m certain he could hear the anger in my voice. I didn’t make any attempt to hide it. I was still simmering over Edwina’s comments of the night before.

“Eventually, I suppose I would have told you.
I don’t know, Sophia. I’ve been swept away in a storm of emotion. Just completely swept away.”

“That’s rather obvious Papa. And, it see
ms that Edwina has been swept right along with you. I am having a very difficult time understanding how you could have initiated such folly. And before you say anything more, I understand about things like this,” I continued, as I my thoughts turned to Spence and me. “But, Papa, the person you’re swept away by is
Edwina.
Did it not matter to you that she was my dearest friend?”

“
Sophia, Edwina needs you. Don’t abandon her now. She is frightened and alone. And, please don’t forget she’s pregnant. ”

“
Papa, don’t you realize that there are other people involved in this besides merely you and Edwina?”

“Yes, of course I do.
”

“What are your intentions? Do you plan on leaving
Mummy for Edwina? What of Edwina’s marriage?” There was complete silence. “Again, I’m asking what you intend to do about
your
marriage, Papa.”

“I shall never leave the
mother of my children. I’ve told Edwina that.” I had a tremendous sense of relief. However, knowing what Papa’s intentions were worried me less than knowing what Edwina’s were. And Edwina’s were to manipulate Papa into marriage.

“I believe Edwina has hopes that you’ll change your
mind. She thinks she can convince you in time that she would be a better wife for you.”

“She probably
would
be a better wife for me, but I don’t have the strength to go through the horror of a divorce with your mother.”

I felt so
mewhat better when he told me that. Perhaps the affair would simply run its course. Edwina would soon tire of being the other woman. In my opinion, she was definitely not suited to a back-street existence. While I had always adored Edwina, I felt strongly that, like my mother, the aura of power that surrounded Papa, due to his position in the nobility, was a strong attraction. I also couldn’t forget that Edwina’s own father was twenty-eight years older than her mother. I thought of some of the theories I’d learned in my studies with Dr. Hausfater.
How patterns in one’s past tend to repeat themselves... How people try to get right as adults the things they aren’t able to get right as children.
Was
Edwina seeking a father figure
?
And was Papa simply going through a mid-life crisis, or was there deeper meaning to his actions?
Was he playing out fantasies with someone whom he thought of as a daughter?
There
were
no answers to those questions. There was only speculation, fueled by the small amount of knowledge which I had about the human psyche. That same theory made me think about my relationship with Spence. Was I, too, seeking a father figure? Certainly, I relied heavily upon Spence for advice, and if there was one or the other of us that was more the child, it was certainly me. It was Spence whom I ran to for advice, and rational thinking, when I found myself faced with some trauma or other. I needed to think more on that subject, and begin to work harder on becoming more mature.