Authors: Emma Mills
Getting up from the bed I took a final look around, my eyes swimming with tears.
‘Love you,’ I whispered one last time. Before I went downstairs, I walked towards my bedroom. I opened the door and took one step into the empty room. The posters were still on the walls, the photos of Luke and Mum beside my bed, the jammed bookshelves and the grown-out-of games peeping out from under my neatly-made bed. My old battered Ted was sitting on the pillow looking at me beseechingly, so I quickly crossed the room and grabbed him. Holding him in a tight embrace, I fled from the room and its memories, raced down the stairs as if the dogs from hell were on my heels, took a final glance around the empty house and rushed through the door.
Chapter Ten
That night I sat on my bed looking round my room. Having the possessions from my old life reinstated had actually had the opposite effect to what I’d expected. I should have felt comforted, but after unpacking only two items, the photo of my mum and a teddy bear Luke had bought me at Alton Towers, I closed the box and moved it into the corner of my room. Then with a sad and slightly guilty smile, I picked up the teddy bear and took it back to its hiding place, in the box.
Putting the photo of Mum on the bedside table, I added the photo of all three of us, which I’d taken from Dad’s bedroom. I then picked up Old Ted, whom I’d rescued from my bed and curled up, wriggling down under the duvet. I sniffed his old threadbare, fuzzy head and closed my eyes as I smelt faint traces of my mother’s perfume. I’d sprayed it liberally all over him, when my mother had died the year before and I needed to feel her near me. I hadn’t been able to smell it at all for the past six months and had considered buying another bottle; but now I smiled, thankful for my new and improved senses.
Tossing and turning, I was unable to settle. My eyes kept wandering to the bedside table, scanning the photos of my family and knowing something was missing. Eventually I sighed and rolled over, got out of bed and walked back over to the box. I opened it and rummaged through until I found what I was looking for, another photo in a small silver frame. I walked back over to my bed, sat down and looked at the photo in my hands. Luke.
His dark blonde hair was rumpled and a bit shiny from sun tan lotion. He smiled up at me, his bare shoulders looking a bit too pink from the sun. What was it with men and sun cream? I smiled grimly as I realised I certainly wouldn’t have this problem ever again. I doubted sun block would do much to stop
me
from frying to a crisp. If I ever went anywhere hot again I’d be jumping from shadow to shadow.
Placing his photo next to the other two, I settled back down on the bed. Unusually, I wasn’t tired. That was a first and I wondered if it had something to do with my recent diet. Yeesh! I still couldn’t get my head around the idea of drinking blood, but my body had very different ideas and at the mere thought of it, a craving for more, and a craving for Daniel rose unexpectedly as my fangs began to run out and saliva pooled in my mouth.
I pushed the thoughts away, happy to feel the disgust creep back in and I turned back to stare at the photo of Luke, sure that the sight of him would quell the blood lust within. Unfortunately, it had a rather different effect and at the sight of him with his sunburnt shoulders, my fangs ran the whole way out and the nerves in my body tingled. I looked closer at the photo and I could make out a thick artery running down the side of his neck, and across his broad naked shoulders. Luke liked working out, and now I could fully appreciate the way his muscles popped out and brought his veins to the fore. I imagined kissing him, nuzzling into his neck and…. No!
Closing my eyes I could smell the scent I knew so well, his scent. My ridiculously slow heartbeat had picked up slightly and I ran my tongue over the scarily sharp points of my fangs. I let out a long sigh and opened my eyes again, rolling onto my back and staring at the ceiling. Maybe Daniel and Eva were right, maybe I would kill Luke without a second thought. I was a monster.
A single tear formed in my eye, threatening to fall, but I blinked it back. I was fed up of crying. As I lay there, I watched as my door swung open and Daniel’s head popped round. He looked at me curled up on the bed, then his eyes moved up slightly and took in the photos on my bedside table, before returning to my face.
‘Hullo you! I’ve brought my iPod up,’ he said, brandishing his shiny new iPod. ‘I’ve finally got around to loading some music onto it.’
‘Daniel, I want to be alone right now,’ I said, the sight of him exacerbating my confusion. I mean, seeing Luke’s photo made me realise two things - that I still loved Luke more than ever, but also that unfortunately I kind of wanted to bite him too!
However, I looked at Daniel again and I knew my feelings for him were rapidly growing.Of course the bonus with Daniel was that I could be with him without the threat of killing him. Definitely a plus point!
All this was whirling around in my brain as Daniel simply shook his head at me, smiled and taking the iPod, plugged it into some portable speakers which I hadn’t even noticed before.
‘You think too much, that’s your problem Jessie.’
Now, calling me ‘Jessie’ really didn’t help. It made me smile, comforted me. He came over to my bed and I sat up quickly. I felt unsure about whether I was ready to jump back into our burgeoning romance, but yet again he seemed to intuitively understand. He bounced down next to me like a schoolboy, and flopped onto his back, putting his hands behind his head and crossing his long legs. As the music kicked in, he closed his eyes and I frowned slightly at his choice.
OK! So in his car he listened to modern and very cool pop rock stuff, some of which I loved, and I’d recently seen one of the bands in concert, but this was
so
not cool. My mum listened to this jazz stuff. It was not me!
‘Jessie, I think it’s about time we widened your musical range a little. It’s all very well that you enjoy your favourite bands, but the likelihood is that unless they make friends with one of us guys, you are going to outlive them by a very long time; and believe me, listening to the same albums for a hundred years gets very boring,’ he said nudging me playfully. I lay back next to him, mirroring his position with my hands behind my head and resigned myself to a lecture on jazz.
Actually, it wasn’t half bad and by the time the fourth track started playing I was hooked, my pulse had slowed back to its ‘almost dead’ rhythm, and a secret smile played on my lips. I sneaked a look at Daniel out of the corner of my eye and took in his beautiful, calm face. He looked like an angel, with a perfect beauty, his longish dark waves playing round his face; his eyes closed. Hmm, a dark angel maybe.
I let my worries drift away and my confusion disperse into nothingness. When ‘All at Sea’ came on, I was in another place and as I listened, the words took on a significant meaning, sinking in slowly. I
was
all at sea and yearned to forget my roots,
just for a day
. Sometime after midnight I must have drifted off, and for the first time in days I wasn’t woken with nightmares.
After the drama of the weekend, the next couple of days passed without incident. I began to feel strong enough to integrate my past with my future. I found myself growing closer to Daniel, but also keeping a little distance. I needed to figure things out in my head and find a way to say goodbye to Luke, so I could move on.
One morning I surprised Daniel at the earlier time of seven thirty and he immediately sat next to me at the kitchen table. My body yearned for him, and even though there was no visible evidence of my bite mark any longer, my eyes were constantly drawn to his neck.
‘You’re up early?’ he said smiling at me.
‘I know, it seems the vamp in me has finally woken up,’ I laughed, trying to keep things light.
‘Mmm, maybe my little vamp needs some food?’ he said grinning at me, as he swiftly pulled me into his embrace, pressing his lips firmly against mine. It happened before I had a chance to protest and now I fought against my desire. My fangs immediately slid out, and I swear my eyes seemed to glaze over. The animal in me was taking over and if I waited another minute, I wouldn’t have the strength to refuse him.
‘No!’ I said, maybe a little more coldly than I meant, as I pushed myself away from his grasp, and turned away from his hurt expression. ‘I’m sorry, I really am, but I have to sort my head out.’
‘There’s nothing to sort out, Jessie. You’re happy with me, you know you are. We belong together.’
‘Maybe, but at night I dream of Luke standing at my window watching me. When I awake, Luke’s face peers at me from its frame, and it’s made me realise that however much I want you, I’m still in love with Luke,’ I finished quietly, not wanting to meet his eyes, which were swiftly darkening.
‘I understand, but I can help you with that. I can help you forget him, though the photo probably isn’t the best idea.’
‘But I don’t want to forget him. I don’t want him to mean nothing to me. I grew up with him, I waited four years for his kiss, he was my soul mate,
is
my soul mate.’ I stressed, my voice heightening with frustration.
‘You’re mistaken. He was just a teenage crush. You know you can’t see him again.’ His voice was non-negotiable, but I had other plans.
‘I need to say goodbye Daniel, and before you interrupt me I don’t mean to his face. I just mean try to find a way to make my peace.’
‘Promise me you are not going to try and find him?’ Daniel asked, looking at me intently.
‘I’m not going to find Luke, OK! But I want to go to my father’s funeral,’ I said. ‘If he has one.’ The sharpness leaving my voice as I became suddenly unsure of what would happen to my dad, considering we had no family nearby.
‘Daniel, I do want to be with you. My body craves you, but if you want me to be happy, I have to take this slowly.’
‘OK,’ he said, a little sadly this time.
The funeral was to be on Friday, the day before my birthday party had been due to take place, and after having a week of quiet contemplation and secret planning, I was ready to say goodbye my way. To my dad on Friday, and this was the secret part, to Luke on Saturday. I had to keep Daniel from getting in my head and reading my thoughts. He couldn’t know of my plan for Saturday, because he’d definitely deem it too risky. I
was
going to keep my promise to him. I wasn’t going to find Luke, but I needed to do this my way, on my own.
In the meantime I had to get through Friday. Daniel had found out that my auntie had come down from Newcastle to sort out the funeral and estate, and due to her only finding a handful of friends she had decided to hold a very simple cremation ceremony, nothing more.
I couldn’t attend the ceremony for obvious reasons, but Daniel and Eva had both agreed to take me to the crematorium, and stay with me in the shadow of the trees, where I could see his ashes being scattered in the Garden of Rest. I knew this was my chance to prove to them my newfound control.
We arrived at the crematorium a little early, and from the shadow of the trees I was able to watch as the hearse slowly pulled into the drive in front of the building. It was followed by another black car, from which my aunt and uncle stepped, before greeting the small gathering of people, and entering the chapel. I watched, frozen, as the coffin holding my father was gently lifted from the car and carried inside. Then all went quiet, and I was left to my thoughts.
‘Where’s Eva going?’ I asked suddenly, as I realised I’d been so deep in thought that I hadn’t heard any of their muted conversation.
‘She’s going to speak to one of the staff and find out which plot number your aunt has bought, so we can get within a good distance for you. Are you alright, Jessie?’ he said, pulling me into a warm embrace - something I’d sorely missed over the last couple of days.
‘Yes, I think so. I wish I could have seen him to say goodbye, but I guess I can do that when everyone goes home.’
‘You can.’