* * *
The heat was tiring, and I decided to take a nap that afternoon while Julian was working with Leo and Mr. Kinlan. I had Fleur help me out of my Sari and into a cool white night dress. She pulled the netting around the end of the bed and closed the curtains. There was also a velvet drape to go over the canopy top to block the sunlight which came in from the glass in the ceiling.
When she left me, I almost immediately fell asleep, but I awoke to a sound just outside the door. I thought that it was Julian coming in when the door opened and then closed. The netting and velvet drape made it difficult to see, but I could tell that there was a dark figure moving slowly toward me in the room.
“Julian?” I said and the figure stopped at the foot of the bed and turned to face me. I could not see a face, just a dark silhouette.
“Hello? Who is there?” I asked and began to feel that familiar terror that came along with my sleepless nights. Was I asleep or was I awake?
The silhouette was suddenly upon me, their knees on either side of my waist and hands wrapped tightly around my neck through the netting. I thrashed trying to free myself but their grip was too tight. I looked up into a face that was pressed into the netting so that I could not tell who it was that wanted my death. There were whispers echoing in my mind of Creeda’s warnings to me and then of the dead calling out to me as if to beckon me come to them.
“Madame!” There was a loud voice.
“Madame!” I woke up to Bernadine inside the net shaking me awake while I was gasping for air.
“Oh! Yeh were screamin’ somethin’ awful. I heard yeh in the next room an’ yeh were thrashin’ about as though somethin’ awful were after yeh. It took a bit of time to rouse yeh after I found me way through all these nets and blankets. I apologize fer bein’ so forward as to come into yer bed but it was just so terrible, yer beggin’ an’ yeh were wrapped up in them sheets and the blanket o’er yer face.” I saw Avani coming into the room saying that she heard yelling, and Bernadine told her that I ‘
had an episode
.’
When I was a little more composed, Bernadine pulled back the curtains and let a breeze come in from the window. Avani brought me a cup of a green toned tea. It was lightly colored with a flower on the top. Bernadine was holding the vial from the doctor in her hands, but I thought of what Julian said about Avani’s remedies, so I took the fragrant tea from her and waved a hand at Bernadine.
“It is for your nerves, Madame,” Avani said and gave Bernadine a look. There was an exchange between them that said they were at war with one another to take care of me.
“Bernadine, will you go and find Li, please? I need to see her.” She did not want to leave me, but she went anyway. When she was gone I asked Avani to stay for a moment.
“How did you know that I was not with child?” I asked seriously.
“I know these things, Madame. It was something about your eyes, a woman with child has a kind of contentment, it is almost unnoticeable... there is no contentment in your eyes. Your spirit is not at rest,” she said.
“... And you’re sensing the death of my family?” I asked looking hard into her face. She was quiet for a moment and came very close to me.
“There is something sinister. A dark shadow that follows you. It is with you always. I cannot place it, but I think it is greater than just the death of your family,” she said, and she leaned in close to me.
“It has a hold on you...” Her eyes were wide, but she spoke softly so that if Bernadine returned, she would not hear.
“Eckhardt...” I whispered.
“Whatever this evil is... it means you harm. It must be released or it will follow you to your end. It has an attachment to your spirit...” Bernadine appeared in the doorway saying that Li was dressing, as she had been napping as well. I wondered how much of the conversation she had heard and hoped that it was not much, because Bernadine was already a little bit wary of Avani.
I finished the tea, and Avani took the small cup and saucer from me, leaving me alone with Bernadine. She helped me change into my sari.
“Yer shakin’... should yeh not stay in bed? I worry after yeh... There is the draught from that lewd boatman...”
“No, thank you for your concern, but I could not rest if I tried. I’m sure I will be fine after I have had time to relax. It was only a nightmare. It has been so long since I last had a nightmare so... intense,” I said as she placed the end of the sari over my right shoulder as Vallari had showed her.
“There is somethin’ I must discuss with yeh, if yeh would not mind havin’ tea with me tomorrow afternoon? I do not want to disturb yeh with it just now, with yeh all a fright,” she said. It sounded very important.
“Of course, is everything alright?” I asked.
“It has to do with Fleur... I need to speak to yeh in private, though. She’d be agitated if she knew I were talkin’ to the mistress...” She trailed off, and I thought of Fleur’s tears when Captain Marcato left her.
“Shall we take tea here, then?” I asked.
“Very good,” she said and left me just as Li was coming in.
“Tam, you are shaking, whatever is the matter?” We went to sit on the matching chairs by the windows, and I told her of the nightmare and what Avani said to me. She shuddered at the mention of a presence that Avani said would be attached to me forever if I could not find out what it so desperately wanted from me.
“These old women, they are all so fanciful. First Creeda and now this old housekeeper.” She was shaking her head.
“Avani was right about the pregnancy, though... and Julian seems to trust her,” I said.
“I’m sure she only means that you are still getting past your... forgive me for even saying the name, your history with the Eckhardts. It was horrible and it has disturbed you so. Something like that takes a long time to work past. I’m sure that is what she means,” Li said this with a hand on my arm.
“You are probably right. It is hard not to read too far into the things that she says,” I stared out the window as I spoke.
I changed the subject, “Bernadine is worried for Fleur. I am going to have tea with her tomorrow afternoon. She wanted to make sure that Fleur did not know she was being discussed, so we are taking tea in here tomorrow.”
“I told Leo that I would ride with him into the village tomorrow morning. I was going to ask you to come along, but this sounds like it might be too important,” she said.
“Well, I am not really feeling much like being in the bustling market, so it’s probably for the best that I stay here. Anyway, I’m sure you want to have some alone time with your husband for once!” I smiled at her. Between our adjoining rooms on the boat and our constant need to be near one another, we rarely spent more than a few hours apart. We would have to learn to be apart eventually.
CHAPTER 22
I lay staring at a sleeping Julian in bed next to me, thinking about how different my life was from only a year before. His eyes opened and he turned his head to look at me and smiled as he rolled over to fully face me.
“Have you been awake for long?” he asked, brushing a curl from my forehead.
“No longer than usual,” I said.
“You should have woken me up...”
“What difference would it have made?” We were both silent for a while.
“Julian, I don’t know anything about business, but I am curious to hear what you have decided to do where the Hammonds are concerned,” I said, and he looked surprised. He sat up and stretched.
“I still think that there is profit to be made here and the Hammonds are wise to seek a plantation to buy, but I don’t think that I want them to have mine,” he said looking down at me.
“What does Leo have to say about that?” I asked. He seemed frustrated at the question and obviously did not want to answer.
“I’m not sure of my decision, yet,” he said, but I knew that was not true. He had come from his last meeting with the Hammonds in a bad mood. He went to tell them “no,” but they insisted he continue to think about it.
“Leo has a child on the way. Do you not think he would want something to pass down to his children?” I asked, propping myself up by my elbow.
He sighed, “Leo does not care about this place as I do. Celia hates when he comes, and I think he hates it equally as much. He would sell the whole plantation, house and all if I just passed it over to him.”
“Are you concerned about the way your workers would be treated by the Hammonds?” I asked.
“I don’t know...” he paused. “I like it here...”
“And?” I asked.
“I was hoping that you would, as well.” He was sitting up on the edge of the bed now, with his back to me.
“I do.” It was the simple answer, but I did like this place. The house, the people, everything about India. I found it exciting.
“Then why push the sale?” He turned to look at me.
“I’m not... I just wanted to know what was to become of Leo. You cannot expect to run the Hilbourne land, the Rhineholt land,
and
Punam all by yourself?” I said. He was leaning forward with his hands on either side of his head, elbows on his knees.
“What are you getting at?” He turned to look at me and the irritation in his face was unmistakable.
“I just think that Leo is unhappy here and deserves to know what he will have to pass on to his son,” I said.
“Then why is he here?” Julian stood up. I shook my head, surprised at his anger.
“Isn’t it obvious?” He pulled a shirt over his head.
“I don’t know what you mean...” I was sitting up, now.
“Are you really so innocent?” he asked, yelling now.
“You think he came here for me?” I asked, shouting back. “Then why did he marry Liesl? You are being absurd! Stop being so selfish and give Leo what he deserves!” Julian and I were not on the same page. I only wanted Leo to receive consideration, but Julian seemed to think that what he always thought about me and Leo was true.
The anger on his eyes told me that he had felt this way for a long time, and that he thought I was never able to let go of Leo. I was so shocked he felt this way that I could not think of what to say.
“I will be with Kinlan all day, do not expect me until late...” He went out and slammed the door behind him, and I threw a pillow at the closed door and began to cry.
I lay back, flustered. It was true that I was surprised when I found out he was marrying Li, but I was not jealous, really. There was confusion, certainly. Leo and I were close, he saved my life, and that is something that would bond me to him forever. The only thing that I was truly sure of was that I loved Julian, and I was angry at him for thinking otherwise. He had misplaced his jealousy, and he mistook my intentions.
Fleur came in and saw me in tears on the bed.
“Oh, Lady Tamsin! Another of your nightmares?” She looked concerned as she came up to the bed.
“No... I’m just a little homesick...” I lied as I dried my eyes.
“Shall I pull the drapes?” she asked.
“Of course... that's fine, Fleur.” She did so and came back to help me dress.
“I will have a bath this morning, I think.” It was the coolest morning we had since our arrival, but I still asked that she didn’t make the water too warm, and she left to prepare the tub. There was a soft knock on the door and then it opened before I responded. Li came in.
“I’m sorry to come in so early, but Julian and Leo, they have had a quarrel.” She came and sat on the bed, and then climbed in beside where I was sitting up against the pillows.
“I’m not sure what happened, but I was going down for breakfast, Leo was waiting for me in the conservatory, and when I got to the doorway, Julian left the room and he looked angry. Leo would not tell me what happened.” She looked up at me for the first time since she came into the room, and saw that I was crying so she sat up and put an arm around me.
“Whatever is going on?” she asked, and the tears welled up. She held onto me for a long time and then wiped away my tears with a handkerchief from a drawer in the bedside table.
“He is angry with me, Li... It is something awful, and if I tell you, you will be upset with me...” We both leaned back against the pillows and stayed quiet for a few minutes before we said anything.
“He thinks you are in love with Leo?” she finally asked, as though she was afraid I might admit that I did. I did not respond, and she looked at me questioningly.
“It is what he thinks... but--”
“But you love Julian?” I nodded, the tears welling again, and she pulled me to her. She spoke softly with my head resting on her shoulder.
“Leo told me once, a long time ago that the two of you were close after that day you fell from the horse. I would be lying to you if I said that it did not bother me at first. He used to carry that handkerchief with your initials on it...” I looked into her face.
“Do you know what made me realize that I was wrong about you two?” She asked. I shook my head.
“When I told Leo that I thought I was with child. His reaction. I just knew that there could be no one else for him.” She was sincere and I smiled through the tears.
“You must know that Leo and you are both so dear to me. You have both been like family since I lost mine.” I said, and she hushed me. We stayed silent again, because she knew what it was that I wanted to say.
“Julian is being simply childish. I had no idea that he has felt this way for so long,” I said.
“He will see that he is wrong. He is stubborn and wants to be right even if what he thinks makes him angry... just like someone else I know.” She smiled. It was true that Julian and I shared that quality. It was why the banter was so calamitous between us. It was why we were so passionate.
There was a knock, and Fleur came into the room.
“Oh, Mrs. Hilbourne! Lady Tamsin, shall I come back? One of the boys has carried the water up for you.” Li and I both laughed at how silly we must have looked. I wrapped a robe around myself and asked her to tell him to bring it in.