“I found it in the journal... it will give you some insight into your Grandmother’s family,” she said and patted my hand before leaving me alone to read. Celia’s company was nearly always welcome, but she knew that I would want to learn about my mother’s past on my own.
I began with the letter to Damask which was scrawled in German.
“
Dearest Damask,
My loving sister, I was relieved to hear that you are safe in the hands of the nuns. I have told our parents that you have accepted being disinherited and presented them with the idea that your child might be brought up and accepted as the grandchild of the house. Father simply will not have it and, as you know, Mother never has her own opinions to share. I have enclosed a small amount of money for you, and I know that you will use it wisely. Father has asked that I cut off contact with you and when I refused, he threatened to also disinherit me, so this will be the last you hear from us. Ilse is with child, sister. If I lose my inheritance, then so will my sons. I cannot bear to see that happen. I leave you in the hands of the nuns. God be with you, dear sister. If it could be any other way, I would that you were home with us.
Your Loving Brother,
Johann Eckhardt
”
So my Grandmother Damask was left to suffer alone and give birth to a daughter at the convent where my mother, and later I, attended school. I imagined how she must have felt upon seeing her brother’s words. This would be Otto’s grandfather that wrote this letter. I was now without a family, just as Damask was then, but I had the love of Celia’s family, there was also Li, and there was Julian...
I carefully folded up the letter and placed it in the back of my mother’s journal. Turning to the first page I saw that there was a pressed, white flower that I recognized as an aven, like one of the white flowers that grew around Creeda’s Cottage. How strange that it should be in Annaliese’s journal for they did not grow around Rhineholt. The pages were faded but the writing still appeared visible. Much of it was also in German. I took a deep breath and began reading.
“
Ever since I left Germany, I have felt unsafe. I feel it has become necessary to document what happens to me here. James says that I am fanciful and superstitious like Celia’s mother. The woman is strange, but she seems to believe that something terrible is meant to happen to me at Rhineholt. Before I married James and came to live here, she said that there was evil in the house I was going to. She dislikes James so much but she seems to dislike everyone but Celia and myself.
Bernadine has been wonderful. She is my one friend here. Celia is so far away and I miss her dearly, but Bernadine has been so good to me. She tells me about the house and the people who work here. Her sister, Camilla has become my lady’s maid and I wonder that they are from the same family.”
I paused because this meant that Fleur’s mother tended my mother the way Fleur did me, and I wondered if Aunt Emmaline had this in mind when she made Fleur come to me.
“Bernadine makes me laugh with her strange accent, but Camilla has disguised her Cornish roots and speaks so that you would not know she had the same accent. Bernadine says that Camilla ‘puts on airs’ and that is why she is more fit to fasten gowns and fix my hair. She makes me laugh with her silly country expressions. I take comfort in knowing that she is my friend, and James does not seem to mind that I spend time with her, though I was told by Charles’s new wife, Emmaline that it is not proper to associate with ‘the help’ as she so bluntly put it.”
I giggled aloud remembering the look on my Aunt’s face when I walked with Fleur to the stable so long ago. Apparently my mother also had an aversion to Aunt Emmaline, they would have been near the same age, though my mother married my father before Emmaline met and married Uncle Charles.
“
I should not make fun, Emmaline has only just come to live at Rhineholt, and I should really make an effort to befriend her. I’m certain she must feel as out of place as I do in this house. English life is so different from the simple days at the convent. The sisters would tell me to put my faith in God and that my fear is born of my being detached from Him. Celia exposed me to so many new thoughts and ideas that I question whether my faith has been misplaced.
Rhineholt is a dark and mysterious house. I have developed a fear of being alone in some of the rooms here. The portraits that hang in the Long Hall seem to have eyes that follow me everywhere. James has insisted that we have a portrait done to be hung with the rest of his family. There was a small one done when we had our wedding holiday in Paris, I keep it in our room and James laughs at me for it. He says that I can see him whenever I want, now that we are married. He makes me smile when he talks this way, but I feel separated from him since we arrived here.
I awoke one night to find that he got up and left me alone in our room. I did not go and look for him and when I heard voices in the hallway, I thought it was his voice, but when I opened the door slightly to see who it was, there was no one. This house is so dark in the night, and I forgot to take my candle when I crept to the door to look out. James told me that when I hear things, it is usually just the maids talking in the next room or downstairs, but in the middle of the night? Where did he go?”
This was the end of her first entry. My mother was frightened by Rhineholt. She certainly was right about the sounds that echoed through that house. I would often hear noises in the middle of the night, and I thought of when I heard Hilda’s voice speaking German with a man just outside my bedroom door. If only I could remember what was said now that it was a language I understood. Reading on, I saw that her next entry was from much later.
“Lord Hilbourne’s wife has finally passed. She was frail for such a long time after their son Julian was born. I used to go to her often during her pregnancy, when Celia was visiting when I first arrived here. I hoped she would recover, she was a peaceful person. She was the one who recommended Camilla to me, and she said that Camilla and Bernadine’s family was in the service of the Hilbournes for many years.
I had a letter from Celia today and she has agreed to spend the summer here. I am beyond delighted at the prospect of her coming. I wrote to tell her that I was uneasy but her father has been ill and she could not leave him. Now that he has recovered, she can come and stay with me for a time.”
I did not realize that Julian’s mother was sick for so long, and I was hurt for him, knowing what grief he must have felt being so young and without a mother. I knew that kind of pain. Perhaps I shared more with him than just the fact that he was a worthy opponent for a match of wits.
Again there was a large gap in the entries, this time spanning over a year, and I thought how bad she was at keeping a journal. There were a few missing pages, but not enough to cover an entire year. I wondered if I would be much better at recording events on a daily basis.
“Celia has accepted a marriage proposal from Lord Hilbourne! It has been just under a year since his wife’s passing, and I believe that he was lonely since her death. He is a good man, and Celia seems so much in love with him. They see no reason to wait and will be wed in the village’s parish before the month is out. Celia has admitted to me that she is already with child. The news was shocking, of course, but Lord Hilbourne insisted that he would marry her so that the child would not be illegitimate. He has an heir from his first wife, I suppose that a second marriage, even if it is in these circumstances, is less ceremonious. It is for the best, and they do seem to be so happy.”
Leo, I thought. I was surprised that Celia read that and allowed me to see it, but she must know that her secret is safe with me, always. It doesn’t matter, anyone can see how in love she is with Reginald even after all of this time.
“
I do not see her as often as I would like. She has asked me to go and stay with her at Hilbourne during her last few weeks of pregnancy. She is certain it will be a boy, at least she hopes it will be. Her stepson, Julian, is apparently a handful. I think he is a sweet boy, but he does not seem to get along too well with Celia. Perhaps a little brother might make him want to be more responsible.”
There were several ripped out pages. My first thought was that Celia might have taken them, but if there was anything that she really wanted to hide, she would’ve hidden the fact that Leo was conceived out of wedlock. The next entry skipped ahead several years, and I was certain that something important was written on the pages between.
“We have such wonderful news. I complained of a stomach illness and the Doctor says that I am with child. Dear James, he was over joyed at the prospect of having an heir to carry on the Rhineholt name. He has been with me constantly since we got the news, as though he wanted to be near me to protect me and our child. Bernadine has told me of a nurse who is also a midwife who will come and see me through the pregnancy. James has been so good. He has not gone away to London on business, he refuses to go while I am in my current condition.”
So my mother was finally beginning to settle into life at Rhineholt.
“I have decided on names for the child. Celia and I have found two that James has agreed would be suitable. If it is a boy, he shall be called ‘Thomas’ for James’ father. This was Charles’s idea. If it is a girl she shall be ‘Tamsin’ which Bernadine told me is the Cornish feminine of Thomas. What a good idea!”
There was another gap in the entries. I figured that must have meant that my mother was happy during this time since so many of her entries were only important events or when she was frightened or worried.
“It will not be long before the child arrives. I have been confined to my bed for a week, and I am certain it is a girl. James wanted a boy, but he swears he will be happy either way. He has not spent as much time with me since Celia came and I worry that he works too hard. The work builds up when he is not in London, and I think he may be worrying about it, though he refuses to go this close to the end of my pregnancy, and I am happy for that.
He has moved to a separate, adjoining room since he comes in so late from working in the library, he does not want to disrupt me as I find it difficult to get to sleep in my current condition. I worry about the night that I awoke to find he was not in bed with me. I mustn’t think that way...”
“Celia is with me constantly. She said something to me today that disturbed me. She saw Camilla talking to James and she seemed uncomfortable telling me that they were talking in hushed voices. When they noticed her, they immediately went their separate ways. I asked James about it later that day and he said that he was simply asking that she have the nursery ready for the baby when the time came and to see that the nurse maid was well settled.”
“I did not know what to make of it, but it seemed strange that he should have spoken to Camilla about that since I see her on a daily basis. I am beginning to worry what that hushed conversation might have really meant.”
I understood what Celia meant that I might be shocked at what I read, and I questioned if I wanted to read on or not. This would be my only opportunity to get to know my mother personally, so I decided that I had to finish the journal. I was worried for her. Had my father slept with Camilla? If he had, that could mean that Fleur was my half-sister.
Julian came to sit with me in the garden so I closed the journal and put the other book I was reading on top of it so that he would not know what it was. I wanted to keep reading, but I did not want to be rude, even to him. Julian really was so helpful since the fire at Rhineholt.
“Are you enjoying the library here? I think that is the hundredth book I have seen you reading since we arrived.”
“Well, there are so many I have not read.” I said.
“This engagement party... Do you think that you are ready for something like that?” he asked and I felt that he was genuinely concerned for me.
“I believe I will get by,” I said and smiled, something I had not done often since our arrival in the countryside.
“Have you thought about what I asked you in London?” he said, to my surprise. I did not know what to say, because I honestly had not thought too seriously about my answer since we arrived at Hilbourne. It was many months that he waited and maybe it was time I gave it real consideration. I did not answer right away, and he finally cut into the silence.
“Tamsin, you cannot expect me to wait forever. We could announce it at the engagement party and--”
I interrupted him, “Don’t you think that’s a little fast?” The engagement party would only be a week from then. He looked at me incredulously.
“Don’t you think I’ve waited long enough?” he asked in a heightened tone. I raised my eyebrows. It was the first time in a long while that he said anything to me in that tone, and he really did choose a terrible time after what I just finished reading of my mother’s history. Of course he could not have known that.
“I don’t know...” I said because I was truly unsure what I wanted. I was disobliged to the idea of being forced into a wedding gown, and I couldn’t help but feel that he was rushing me toward the altar. Not to mention if my father was really unfaithful to my mother, I was not sure that I wanted to be placed in the same position. The idea of being trapped in an unfaithful marriage was repulsive to me.
“Please tell me that you are joking,” he finally said.
“You have not even given it serious consideration? What will you do? Rhineholt does not even exist anymore! There is no one to look after you, though Celia would let you believe you could stay with her forever!” He was using big hand gestures, and I knew him well enough to know that meant he was really upset with me.
“I do not need
looking after
!” I shouted back and stood up as I said it.