“Your demeanor would suggest otherwise!” He also stood and yelled back at me, he was turning red.
“What do you want me to say? How can I answer you when I have nothing to say?” I shrieked, and I knew my eyes were wild with anger.
“I want you to admit that you are in love with me so we can be done with this! Stop kidding yourself that we can stay the way we are now!” He was standing so close to me that I could feel his breath as he shouted. I was embarrassed when I realized I did not notice that his eyes had a hint of blue in them. Then I was even more angry at myself for noticing it right then.
“You have it all wrong!” My voice was shrill.
“I have it all wrong? Then you will pretend that there is nothing between us?” he asked, arms crossed, looking down at me as if I was a small child telling a tall tale.
“I pretend nothing!” I said. He was only making it worse by continuing the jabs at me.
“How can you say that when you allow me to spend all of this time with you, Tam?”
“You insist on spending all of this time with me! I can hardly get away from you, and I find that amazing considering how huge this house is!”
“You are maddening!” he said, and he was horribly frustrated when I turned my back to him and began to walk away.
“Don’t you think it’s time you stopped acting like a child, Tam?” he called to me.
“Absolutely not!” I called back and before I could stop myself I turned and stuck out my tongue. I regretted it as soon as I did it. Turning away from Julian again, I ran into the Elizabethan wing of Hilbourne, and I was relieved to see that he did not follow me in. In my frustration I did not notice that Li was standing at the window and saw the entire, ridiculous exchange. When I saw the stunned look on her face we both began to laugh hysterically. We saw that Lord Hilbourne was headed toward us so we hid behind a curtain and I thought,
Childish, he could not have been more right!
When I finally calmed from the laughter, I was suddenly overcome with anger at myself and started to cry. My emotions were completely out of control. I hated myself for acting this way.
When Li noticed that I was sniffling, she put her arm around me and led me to sit in front of one of the windows. She asked me what happened. I filled her in on the journal, and what I had just discovered about my Father’s possible relationship with Fleur’s mother and that Julian picked the absolute worst moment to remind me that I still had not given him an answer. I dried my eyes and she embraced me.
“Dear Tam, nothing is easy anymore. Oh to be back beneath the trees in Germany,” she said, sighing.
“I wish that my Aunt was here to give me a kick in the right direction,” I said, and we both laughed as I wiped my eyes with a handkerchief. I knew that Aunt Emmaline would have told me to ‘
stop fiddling around and marry the man before you become an old spinster.
’ The thought made me smile.
“Oh Li, you are so right, if only I could just be back on the hills behind the convent...”
“Do you know what I think?” she said.
“What?” I asked wiping my eyes again.
“I think that your Father loved your Mother more than anything in the world, and I believe she felt the same for him. No matter what she wrote in that journal, remember what he did for her? He would’ve given up Rhineholt and his inheritance and everything else just to be with her. Why would he ruin something that important to him?” Li had a point, and I wondered that I was so quick to judge my Father. I threw my arms around her and kissed her cheek, a gesture which made her smile.
“Thank you for making me come to my senses!” I said.
CHAPTER 11
At tea that day, Celia informed us that Julian and his Father had gone to London to tend to business, and that Reginald would be bringing back my Aunt and Uncle’s lawyer to finish up whatever business there was with my inheritance. I knew that I would not have known what to do about the land or the London house, so I was glad to have Reginald to take care of it. I wondered if Julian really had business in London, or if he was just trying to distance himself from me for a while. He was considerably angry with me for acting so childishly.
That night upon seeing Fleur, I realized how awkward the situation was if she had, in fact, been related to me and I asked that she leave me to undress on my own that evening.
Leo was with us at Hilbourne Abbey, and the next few days were spent planning for the garden party which would be on the following Sunday afternoon. Julian and Lord Hilbourne would return on Saturday. I was glad to have some time to myself to finish reading my mother’s writings. Apart from a gown fitting with Celia’s seamstress, I found a day that I would have mostly free, and I was in my room, picking up from where I left off. The next entry was after I was born.
“
My daughter is heavenly. She does not cry except for when Emmaline holds her, which James and I have laughed about in private. Celia noticed it, too and said to me that our little Tamsin was not the only one who did not care for Aunt Emmaline. I should not be so harsh, but it is rather amusing!
Tamsin has a red curl on the top of her head. James says that there is nothing of him in the baby except the eyes, they are green. He is amazed by her and so am I. She is the most perfect thing I have ever seen with her tiny pink toes and fingers. I could watch her sleep all day in her Father’s arms.”
How on earth could I believe that he would be unfaithful to her?
“When she is fussy, I simply kiss the palm of her hand and she calms right down. Such a sweet little angel. Bernadine dotes on her, too. She has knitted so many things for little Tam that she will never want for warmth.”
I went on to her next entry which appeared to be much later. There was a large portion of missing pages, and I worried again that someone really did remove them recently.
“
I have become frightened again. I will be alone at Rhineholt when James goes to London. He has been away from his work for too long, and though he wishes Tam and I could come with him, she is too young to travel. He says that he will be gone and back before I notice.
Last night I heard voices in the corridor again. This time James was with me and when he went to check what it was, he met Charles in the hall who said that he heard the noise as well. So the next day Bernadine questioned the staff and none of them were awake or heard any disturbance. I am certain that someone is watching me in parts of the house, now. I have not told James because I know what he will say.
Celia says that is how these old houses feel, though I never felt that way in the convent and it was far older than Rhineholt. I spend as much time as I can in the nursery with Tamsin. I feel safe, there. The nursemaid is wonderful and she does not grumble over my spending so much time with my little angel. Celia has recommended a German woman to be her governess when the time comes. The woman will need a post after she leaves Hilbourne because Julian will be away in India with his father and Leo will be old enough to have a tutor. When Julian returns, he will be sent off to school in London, no doubt. He is only a boy and I am surprised that Reginald has decided to take him so far away. Celia would never allow Leo to go unless she went with him, he is much too small.”
I was surprised to see that the next entry was from a few days later.
“
I was alone in the library today and something shocking happened, though I oddly feel more at ease because it has solved a mystery for me. I had the same feeling that I was being watched as I do on occasion in this place and I finally said, “Hello? Is someone there?” There was no answer but I saw that the curtains that separate James’ office were drawn, which was odd since they were opened the day before and he has gone to London.
I walked slowly over to the curtains and I heard whispering. Someone was behind the curtain, and that explained why I felt a presence in the room. A floor board creaked beneath my step and the whispering stopped. They knew that I was there, and even though I was afraid of who might be behind the curtain, I finally opened them to see Charles holding Camilla closely. I realized that this was why James was seen talking to Camilla. He must have known that Charles was having an affair and told Camilla that it had to stop. Since James was not here, he would not know that it continued after that conversation. It also explained why Charles was discovered in the hallway only a few nights before when we heard the noises... it could only have been him coming from Camilla’s room.”
Now I was truly shocked, and I closed the journal because I needed to soak it all in. If Uncle Charles was sleeping with Camilla, that meant that Fleur was not my half sister, she was my cousin. I fell back onto my bed and stared at the ceiling for a long time. Even though I was not all the way through the journal, I didn’t know if I could read on just then.
As if she knew that I was thinking of her, at that exact moment Fleur stepped into the room.
“Oh Miss, I just came to turn down your blankets, shall I leave you?”
“You are pale, are you feeling ill, Miss? Shall I bring you something to help you sleep?” I told her no and she left.
Did she know who her father was?
* * *
That night I had the dream about the candle again. The old woman crept slowly toward me as I sat frozen on the bed, and her eyes went white. The words echoed in my mind “Two souls, one body.
Zwei Seelen, ein Körper.
” Her face became Eckhardt’s, his head back laughing at me burning to death. I awoke screaming. Li ran into my room as I started awake, and she stayed with me until I was able to sleep. She commented the next morning that it was such a long time since I had an ‘
episode
’ as bad as that, and she suggested that if it happened again I might see Dr. Haskins about something to help me rest.
It was all the things that were happening to me. Julian was rushing me to make a decision. Li was getting married and by spring she would be leaving with Leo for India. I did not know what to expect for my inheritance since Rhineholt was now mostly burned. I had not yet gone to see it, but was informed that it was just big grey stone walls, a marble floor, and nothing else. I pictured the portrait of my mother and father being swallowed by the flames and quickly tried to put the image from my mind.
There was still the London house and the land where Rhineholt once stood, and I was sure that Charles would have kept the family’s money was well looked after, but I did not know what to expect from the lawyer’s standpoint. I would know soon enough, it was only a few days before the party, and Lord Rhineholt would be bringing Mr. Gould, the lawyer, back with him to explain it all to me.
Then there was Fleur. I did not pick up the journal again that evening after dinner. It was probably a bad idea to leave myself in the dark like that, but I was so angry with my Uncle for his infidelity to Aunt Emmaline. She was a difficult person to handle, I knew that first hand, but she did not deserve to be treated that way by the man she loved. I remembered then that Charles was the last person to see my mother alive, and I softened toward him a little. He cared deeply for my parents; I could see that from the way my mother wrote about him. I remembered dancing with him the night of his birthday and before I went away to Germany, and he was the one who gave me the small portrait of my mother and father from their honeymoon in Paris. He was the only father I ever knew.
If he was Fleur’s father, he certainly took great pain to keep her near him, which is why I wondered if she was aware who he was to her. She mourned when the fire took the lives of Aunt Emmaline and Uncle Charles, but I thought that it was because she grew up around many of the servants who also died in the fire. I decided then that if I could be certain her father was my Uncle, I would make sure that she received something from my inheritance.
The day following my ‘
episode
' was a long and tedious one that was filled with yet another dress fitting. Mine was for the garden party and then one for Li for her wedding gown. We were only a few days away from the party and the preparations were stacking up. Bernadine was handling most of it, but Celia was taking all the credit, which Li and I found comical.
After Li’s fitting, we went to the library together hoping to find some peace away from Celia. Leo was there when we arrived, and we collapsed into chairs on either side of him which made him laugh at us.
“Well, you’ve hardly had to do anything! You try standing for an hour getting poked and prodded by a lady with a needle!” He shook his head as if to say, “No thank you!”
“You make it sound like a surgical procedure, Li!” I said.
“It practically is!” she laughed.
I stood to go and retrieve the book I began before I started reading my mother’s journal. I heard Celia’s voice and turned to see her calling to Li.
“Liesl, darling! You are needed once more, but I promise this is the last time for today!”
“A bride’s work is never done...” Li said as she was swept away by Celia.
I took my book and sat down near Leo, who was reading when we arrived in the room. He looked down at the book he was reading before the interruption, and I flipped to the page in mine that I left off on. I felt his eyes on me, and I finally turned my head to look at him.
“What?”
He shrugged his shoulders and looked back at his book. I shook my head and went back to my own. I sighed and looked at him again, he looked back at me.
“What is it?” I asked, and he shook his head this time when he shrugged. I looked back down at the book in my hands again and his eyes were on me again. I gave him a frustrated look with raised eyebrows.
“Fine! I’ll tell Julian when he arrives!” I said and slammed the book shut. Leo smiled at me and he finally spoke.