Sleep finally came. I dreamt of my mother holding the box. She slammed the lid down and slowly fell onto the jagged rocks below the cliff that I nearly fell from, years before. I heard a voice whispering, ‘
Two bodies, one soul’
and turned around from the precipice to see the old woman put her hands out and push me. As I slipped over and began to fall, I saw the lifeless bodies of all the dead strewn over the rocks, their voices whispering my name. My Aunt and Uncle, my father... and my mother.
I awoke to a bright light and the sound of Li pulling back the curtains in my room. She came and sat on the edge of the bed and moved the hair out of my face.
"Tam, you have slept all day. It is tea time. I was worried for you..." Everything came rushing back, and I felt the wet of a tear rolling down my cheek. It was like I was mourning my Aunt and Uncle all over again. I did not feel myself, this weeping, helpless soul was not who I was, but it seemed I could not stop it.
Li climbed into the bed and put her arm across me. She really was becoming my family. Before long, we would both don the Hilbourne name.
"Li..." I said, "I'm glad we will be together."
"No matter what." Her voice was soft and we were silent for a long while.
"Do you know what I think?" Li broke the silence. I turned my face to stare at hers on the pillow next to mine.
"I think a very long holiday would do you some good." I knew she meant India.
* * *
That night I stayed in Li's room. I knew that I was safe, but I hoped her presence would hold off the nightmares. Sleep did not come easily with the images in my mind and after sleeping most of the day. When Li fell asleep, I went to my room to retrieve the journal and put my curiosity to rest, conclusively. After searching for where I left off, I began to read my mother’s words.
"
Camilla has left me. It has been only a few days since I saw her with Charles. She was ill yesterday and this morning she came to me to say that she was leaving. Not to give me notice because she was already dressed to travel and had a small travel bag when she came to me. I asked if she was pregnant and she would not answer me, but I feel certain I am right.
Poor Emmaline, she cannot have a child of her own and Charles has made Camilla pregnant. I must never let her know, she would be heart broken, she loves Charles deeply. I pity her. I cannot say that I am sad to see Camilla go, I have been weary of her for some time, though Bernadine seems upset.
Camilla was better educated than Bernadine, she was taught by a governess who was a poor relation of her father but the woman said that Bernadine was daft. Their mother was a woman who was known about the town for men to... I can hardly write it here. Bernadine was slow to speak of it, and I promised that her past would not be discussed. She trusts me. She worries for her sister, though. I gather from what she did admit that Bernadine may be Camilla’s half-sister, but I’m not so sure.
I asked Bernadine to take Camilla's place but she thinks she is 'quite unfit' and has put out the word of the open position. I am sure that I can manage on my own for a while. James will be back from London soon. I have missed him dearly."
The next entry was a few days later.
"My nights have become restless, and I am so frightened by this place. I often go to bed with my rosary in hand, though I don't know what good it has done. My nightmares seem so real. They feel more like visions. I see myself standing in the Long Hall, and I am being watched, so I run through the house to get away and I get lost as I did often when I first came here. I am suddenly leaning far over looking out an open window, as though I was about to jump out... or be pushed. What is truly frightening is that I woke up standing by my window, which was unlatched and pulled back! I was sleepwalking!
How I wish James was home to keep me from wandering in my sleep. If I did not wake up... I cannot allow myself to have these nightmares! It is unsettling!"
The next entry was the following day.
"
Bernadine insisted that I see the doctor about getting something to help me rest. I have told her of my nightmares, and she is worried that I may be sick if I do not get some sleep. She is so good, she and Tam are my only comforts since Celia is not near enough.
I received an invitation to a ball at Hilbourne Abbey to be held in two weeks’ time. James will be home by then, and I will be able to talk to Celia of these nightmares. I have missed her horribly since she left me."
1 week after...
"These visions have become more frequent. I have not slept though James has insisted I try. The doctor has given me a laudanum mixture to take before bed, but I think that it has made my nightmares worse. I have taken to sitting with Tam during the day, she seems to calm me and I even napped briefly with her in my arms. Bernadine sits with me and brings me tea while I stay in the nursery. She loves my little Tam so.
I must talk to Celia about these visions. James is so worried for me. He says that my lack of sleep is making me hysterical, and he is right. He tries to understand and to comfort me, but it does little good. He tells me that the doctor says if I do not sleep soon, I will surely be in a bad way."
There was another missing page before the final entry.
"
I am so glad that tomorrow I will be leaving to see Celia. We will stay a night at the Inn near Aven Cottage before we finish the journey to Hilbourne. Celia recommended I go to see the Aven flowers that grow at the cottage. I have heard that the midwife who delivered Celia's son has moved there now. She was a strange but amusing woman, it might do me good to see her again.
I remember that she had a keen eye for remedies for Celia's trouble sleeping during her pregnancy, and I wonder if she might be able to fix me up with something. I am sure that is what Celia meant when she told me to go and see Creeda. She mentioned that Camilla stayed at Aven for a time, I feel sure that it is because of her pregnancy, but when I spoke to Bernadine she said that if she had, she already left because the last message she received from Camilla was sent from Dover.
I must remember to say goodbye to my little Tam before we leave. She is growing so fast I can hardly keep up with her. James could not believe the difference when he arrived home from London. Her hair has grown bright golden orange, more than even my own. Emmaline seems to dislike the color. Poor Em, she has been sick so she has decided not to accompany us to Hilbourne.
How I long for sleep, but I know that I will be able to rest easy soon, either with help from Creeda or by talking to Celia, we will get to the bottom of this."
That was her final entry. Celia was right, there was only a hint of Camilla's pregnancy, but if she did stay with Creeda, it may have been because she was not certain of her pregnancy, yet. Perhaps it was time I paid Creeda a visit, myself.
* * *
Hilbourne was bustling the following morning. Li was up before I was, and when I went down to breakfast, she and Leo were just leaving the conservatory. There were so many guests staying that I was forced to sit with a talkative elderly man and his wife who asked after my health. They were sweet, but I hoped to remove myself from breakfast before Julian arrived. Unfortunately my plan did not work. Just as the old couple was saying, ‘
goodbye
’ until the evening, Julian stepped into the room and walked toward me. He grabbed my arm before I could get away.
"I need to speak to you alone." I snatched my arm away and looked at him with a coolness in my eyes that would chill a snowman. He grabbed my hand and pulled me through the house and out onto the lawn. The garden was being set up for the party that evening and the house was overrun with guests, so there was nowhere else for him to take me.
When we finally stopped, he kissed me hard on the lips. I pulled back and he held me tight before letting me go. Without thinking, I slapped him. Julian was stunned, and he placed a hand on his reddening cheek and then he laughed.
"What
is
wrong with you?" I yelled at him.
"Someday, Tam... Someday you will look back and laugh at all of this." He rubbed his cheek, but he was smiling and still laughing a little. I was more than a little displeased.
"I do love you on fire, like this," he said, caressing my cheek.
"What do you want?" I said with my arms crossed, and I knew he only kissed me because he found my anger entertaining.
"I have a proposition for you." He looked down at me, knowing I would be curious. My eyebrows lifted questioningly.
"I know you are angry with me, and I don't pretend that I can fix what you believe is the truth. Mr. Gould, he did not put the stipulations of your inheritance delicately. I'm not saying that you didn't need to know, it's probably better that you do." I was confused, but he continued.
"Tam, I meant what I said, that I wanted you to come to me willingly." He was serious, now. He meant it.
"I love you..." His hand went for mine as he said it, but I immediately pulled away. He sighed and looked up at the clouds. We stood solemnly for a moment, no words exchanged until he looked at me again.
"My mother did not marry my father for love. It was... an arrangement
.
Neither of them fought it, they grew up knowing that this is how it would be. My grandparents... My mother’s family made their own fortune, and they wanted the noble blood to go with it. They saw their opportunity and proposed the idea to the Hilbourne’s and they accepted. I watched my mother wither away in this house. She was like a bird, caged for the amusement of a man she grew to hate. It was not his fault, my father tried, but she did not make it easy. That is what killed her, Tam." I could not look at him. This was the first time I could recall him being so open with me.
"I don't want you to marry me because you feel forced into it. I never wanted that. That kind of relationship... It's not for me and I don't want it for you, either... or for our children." I shook my head at the mention of us having children together, this made him smile.
"We won't announce anything tonight. My father has agreed to pay your people's wages until you can receive your inheritance..."
"What?" I said, and the shock in my voice was apparent.
"My father did not agree at first, but I told him that you would come around. You should not be forced, and I don't want you that way," he said.
"You are trying to manipulate me..." I was still skeptical.
"No... This was Celia's idea. Don't think I wouldn't have gone through with the wedding, because I would have. Even if it was just to keep you fuming." I knew he was joking, but I did not laugh at the comment, so he went on.
"You'll realize what this is eventually, married or not. I just can't allow myself to take the beating to my own pride." I smiled at that because I knew it was true. There was no doubt of his arrogance.
"... And India?" I asked.
He smiled.
"I'm sure that Leo's fiancée will gladly extend an invitation to her dearest friend to join her. I think it would be good for you to get away from here for a time. Though, you do realize that you would be stuck with me for at least a year, sometimes in close quarters on a ship at sea... where you can’t escape."
I looked down and tried not to show him my smile. He stuck his hand out to me that we might shake on it. I took it willingly before we parted. He certainly was confident to think that I would eventually marry him.
* * *
After tea, I was delighted to see Fleur waiting for me in my room to help me dress for the party. It was the first time I saw her since she defended me from Eckhardt. Putting all ceremony aside, I immediately embraced her.
“Miss, someone might see!” she said pulling away.
“Fleur, I don’t care. You are the reason I am standing here and as far as I am concerned, you will be with me always.” I held her out at arms’ length. She was obviously surprised by my embrace, but she smiled at me, anyway.
“I am so sorry, Fleur, what you had to do was... dreadful.” She looked at her feet. I saw that she was tearing up just thinking about it, and I wondered why Bernadine allowed her to be back at work when she was in such a state. I led her to sit near the window.
“Fleur, I think you must take some time off. I do not want to see you working in my rooms until you have made a full recovery. I owe that to you, at the very least,” I said and thought, ‘...
and that will give me time to talk to Creeda and find out what she knows
.’
“Oh Miss, I simply can't... my wages!” she said, and I told her not to worry about it, that she would be paid for the whole week.
“You wouldn’t mind if I went away for the week, then?” she asked.
“Of course not, Fleur. Do whatever you must to get past this!” Bernadine was furiously busy helping with the preparations for the garden party, so I told Fleur that I would tell her myself after things calmed a bit. Fleur thanked me about a thousand times before leaving. I slumped down in my vanity seat and let out a sigh. ‘
Now who’s going to fasten my gown?’
I thought.
Since Li was right across the hall, I stepped across to ask for her assistance. Celia was coming down the corridor. She seemed to have recovered from yesterday, and when I told her that I sent Fleur to away to rest for a while, she offered one of her maids to me for the rest of the week. She would be helping with the party that night, though, so I would not be able to make use of the maid until the following day.
Celia and Li were obliged to help me that evening. Li’s dress was of a yellow silk that was covered with a sheer layer of batiste that calmed the yellow to a pale color. There was a purple line around the hem and the puffed sleeves had the same color in a triangular shape on the shoulder. A shiny purple sash which ran to the floor, even after being tied into a giant bow, finished the garment. The gown was flattering and she looked the most beautiful I had ever seen her, though I don’t believe it was the dress that made her glow.