“You wouldn’t have to pretend at all, would you?” She asked. I was silent, but I knew that she was right. It would be wrong of me to accept their generosity and not marry Julian. I was not so against the idea when I accepted him the first time, but he did not want me to marry him simply because I needed his help.
“Perhaps it is time to make your decision, then.” she said and began to walk toward the door.
I knew that Celia meant well. She was only trying to protect me the way that a mother protects her daughter. She wanted me looked after while I was in India, and she was trying to tell me how improper it would be for me to travel so far as an unmarried young lady without a family.
“I will think it over more seriously,” I said and she looked at me quizzically.
“I promise.” The conversation was done.
* * *
After Bernadine served tea to all of us in the conservatory, I slipped away to go for a walk on my own. I needed to think about what Celia said to me, but Fleur was still crowding my mind, and then there was the thought of having to face Mrs. Eckhardt, which I admitted to myself was alarming. I walked out of the garden and into a field of long grass that swayed with the wind on the Southern side of the house. I knew that I would be far too visible from the windows, so I sat down and was concealed by the straight, green threads that moved from side to side all around me. I eventually laid back and stared up into the clouds.
Celia would be appalled that I was on the ground in a light colored day gown with only my shawl beneath me. She would say it was ruined, but I was sure that Bernadine could remove any dirt that stuck. I pulled at the ribbons beneath my chin, releasing the straw hat I wore, and let it fall to the side. This was the first time I was truly able to relax since... I was not really sure since when.
The worry and pain became so much a part of my life that it felt strange for it to be gone. A weight really seemed to be lifted when Fleur saved me from Eckhardt. Not only had she rescued me from my death, she saved me from the grim existence I was leading. I felt the warmth of the sun on my skin and knew that my Aunt would have said my skin would wrinkle against the harsh rays, and a smile touched the corners of my mouth. Sometimes I missed her overprotectiveness. At least I felt safe as a child under her watch.
I thought about Fleur, and I believed that she was my half-cousin. There was always a sort of bond between us. She even shared the lightly colored hair of my Uncle. We would have probably been great friends if Aunt Emmaline had not made it so difficult for us to spend time together. She was the only family I had left, and it made me feel all the more for her.
I was glad that I would be bringing both her and Bernadine with me to India, and I thought about Celia hinting to me how inappropriate it would be for me to travel as a lady on my own. I wouldn’t be alone, though. Bernadine could be my chaperone. She looked after me often when I was a child, and though she was not looking forward to the journey or being in an ‘outlandish’ place, she would go anywhere I asked her to as long as it was to take care of me. Maybe I could wait just a little longer before placing myself in the confines of marriage vows.
Then I thought about what Celia said about their generosity, and I wanted to pay back their loan sooner rather than later. They took me in, in my time of need and squared away my business with Mr. Gould. Even if I was pushed toward Julian, it was not his fault, it was my Uncle’s and Lord Hilbourne’s doing, perhaps with a little help from Aunt Emmaline. Julian made it clear that he would not have me because I wanted to repay his family.
My Uncle only did what he thought was necessary to keep their assets well looked after. Julian would be a good man to take care of them. He grew the profit of the tea estate in India almost single-handedly. He was a shrewd business man and he had a demeanor that said he would conquer anything, except for my spirit, of course. He seemed to enjoy the gentle battles that raged on between us, and I realized that I did, too. Most importantly, Julian wanted me as I was.
There was a sound, the tall grass rustled, and I realized that something was coming toward me. I looked around to try to see what it was, and it sounded like it was coming from the direction my feet pointed. I shot upright and startled Leo, who was walking toward me. We both laughed that we had frightened one another, and he sat down in the grass beside me and looked up at the sky.
After a moment of quiet, he turned and looked at me questioningly.
“It’s a good place to think,” I said looking directly at him. He only nodded his agreement.
“There is a lot on your mind?” I asked.
“Only a little,” He said.
“The wedding?” I asked and he nodded again.
“You aren’t afraid of Li?” I jested. He smiled and shook his head.
“Just nervous,” he said and then it was my turn to nod. We sat quietly for a long time, both of us trying not to disturb the other’s thoughts. The sky began to turn gray and dark clouds rolled over pushing away the white puffy clouds. Just like England for the weather to change on a moment’s notice.
Leo and I looked at one another as the rain began to fall in buckets, and we were drenched before he managed to pull me up from the grass. We were running toward the house when I realized I left my hat in the field. I pulled my hand free, and he turned to face me.
“My hat!” He patted his chest to say, ‘I’ll get it’ and I shook my head. He scowled at me, but he knew that if he was going back, I was going back with him so we ran together.
As I reached down to grab the soaking hat I realized that it was certainly ruined, and we both stood laughing. The sound of horse’s hooves was coming toward us, and I saw Julian’s figure on a large, dark horse. He was headed across the field and was beside us in a moment.
“What are you doing just standing around in this wet?” he yelled down at me.
“We were caught and I--”
“Never mind, I can take Tamsin.” Leo read his lips and nodded. It was not a question. Julian lifted me onto the back of the horse, and Leo was already running for the house.
Julian called a command to the horse, and we rode for the stable. When we got there, I stood inside the doorway while he handed his reins over to the stable boy. He saw that I was shivering and put his arm around me. We were quiet, staring at the water pouring down on Hilbourne Abbey. The walls seemed darker, drenched in the afternoon shower.
My hair had come loose, so I took it the rest of the way down and wrung it out. The curls stuck to my neck and around my face. Looking down at my dress, I saw that it was now, indeed, destroyed. No amount of Bernadine’s magic could clean the mud stains off. Celia would be upset, this dress was only finished the week before. It was suctioned to my body and a breeze made it feel too cold. It was the beginning of October and the first chill of autumn only whispered in the air, which was pleasantly warm in the sunlight earlier that day.
“You will catch cold,” Julian said and pulled a horse’s blanket from over one of the stalls.
“That dress is already ruined, after all,” he said and placed it around my shoulders, and I realized that I had also left my shawl in the grass and laughed.
“What is it?” He asked.
“I forgot to get my shawl from the field when Leo took me back for my hat,” I said and he smiled. He looked down at me and brushed the soggy curls away from my face. He was the one who saved me in the woods the day that I was thrown from my horse, but he tried to take care of me in so many different ways since then.
There was the warm milk in the middle of the night, pulling me away from the fire in the London house, and carrying me to bed when I foolishly drank too much wine at the garden party. Most important of all, he insisted that I make up my mind to marry him on my own. There was no doubt that he was in love with me, and there was finally no hesitation. I finally wanted Julian back. I loved him.
His eyes were on me, and I think he knew by my expression that my feelings toward him finally made sense because he pulled me in close. My head rested on his shoulder and I finally spoke.
“I think Christmas Eve would be lovely,” I said and his arms tightened around me.
“Don’t think that this means I’m going to play the perfect wife who agrees to everything you say.” I said.
“I would never want that,” he replied.
* * *
When I told Celia, she was overjoyed and thanked herself for that conversation we had. She clapped her hands together at the excitement of having two weddings to plan. Leo’s would be in a month’s time, and they would honeymoon in Germany so that Li could visit her parents, who were not in good enough health to travel such a long way for the wedding celebration.
Li was so relieved when I told her that she nearly cried, and followed her congratulations with, “Now you have to come to India with me and that’s that!”
When she said it, I thought about Creeda, and I wondered if evil would follow me all the way to India. I banished the worry for a while. It was time I let myself be happy again.
That night, I even dreamt of my mother beneath the trees singing to me. I was a child again, and she was brushing my hair and humming a delicate tune. Then she watched me twirl round and round on the grass before her. I awoke feeling refreshed for the first time in what felt like ages, and I wore my mother’s silver leaf bracelet the next day. It did not matter that the silver trinket was too fancy for wear in the daylight hours, it felt like she was with me when I wore it.
When I went down to breakfast, Julian was fumbling over himself, and I think he was afraid that I would change my mind again. I assured him that I meant what I said in the stable, and he kissed my forehead before he left. He would be in London with Leo for a week, so I would not see him before Mrs. Eckhardt’s visit. I had not told him about what my mother’s journal said or about the letter I got after. When he returned, there would be plenty of time to explain it all.
Celia seemed to be in heaven with so much planning to do, and Bernadine was in shambles at the thought of having to help Madame Bourdeaux with yet another wedding celebration.
“Well, it were only a matter of time, me lady,” Bernadine said, patting my shoulder.
Fleur was back from her time away and seemed to be in better spirits. I bought her a lovely shawl when I was in town to thank her, though it felt like I should have been giving her diamonds for what she did for me. Li said that even the shawl was too much, but it was a sweet gesture, and she might have done the same if she were in my position. Aunt Emmaline would have said a pence extra in her wages would’ve been too much.
When I showed the shawl to her she gasped and said it was the most beautiful gift, and that she could not accept it. I told her that she had to because it was an order and that made her smile. I threw it around her shoulders. The shawl was of a blue fabric with thick lace on either side. It brought out the color of her cheeks, and I thought how lovely she would have been in one of my ball gowns. If only I were certain that Uncle Charles was her Father, I would gladly bestow an allowance on her from my own inheritance, but until I knew for certain, it would be considered acutely unconventional. I just wanted Fleur to be happy and as long as she was my companion, I would make sure that she was.
* * *
It was a Wednesday when Mrs. Eckhardt arrived. I looked out the window of Li’s bedroom which faced out onto the lane. She sat next to me, and we watched as the woman emerged. She was wearing all black, and I expect it was because she was in mourning for her husband and not for her son, at least that’s the way I wanted to imagine it. Her hair was greying but mostly black. Bernadine went out to meet her, and I assumed Madame Bourdeaux was too busy to greet the guest as she normally would. She was led into the house, and I waited for Bernadine to come and let me know of her arrival.
It was only a few minutes before I was told she was in the drawing room with Celia who was, no doubt, playing the gracious host. Li offered to come along but I told her she did not have to, assuring her that the meeting would be dull.
I made my way downstairs and could not help thinking of Eckhardt’s face, frozen with his eyes wide with the shock of the blunt force to the back of his head. I held the rail tightly descending the steps, so much so that my nails dug into the wood. The familiar fear crept over me, and I wished that I asked Li to come with me to meet the woman that waited in the drawing room. Taking a deep breath, I stood for a moment listening to the small talk between Celia and Mrs. Eckhardt.
Celia caught sight of me and said, “Here is Lady Rhineholt. Tamsin, dear please come and sit with us.” She beckoned to me and Mrs. Eckhardt stood. She came toward me, and I started, but Celia nodded to calm me, and I took the hand of the mother of my Aunt and Uncle’s murderer. She kissed my cheek, a gesture which turned my stomach.
“Mrs. Eckhardt.” I stated my greeting in a raw voice. Then she insistently sat down next to me.
Bernadine came in with the tea, then and set it down between us, and was gone nearly as quickly as she arrived. I thought she was almost as uncomfortable at Mrs. Eckhardt’s presence as I was. She must have been worried for both me and Fleur after what we dealt with so recently. We were all silent for a moment as we sipped our tea, before Celia finally spoke, ever the gracious host.
“Miss Rhineholt is soon to marry my step son, Julian, on the eve of Christmas.”
“Oh but that will be delightful,” Mrs. Eckhardt said looking at me. I nodded but did not speak, and she could see that I was uncomfortable.
“Let us not pretend that my presence here is not awkward,” she finally said, and I was relieved she had brought it out into the open, though Celia would have preferred to keep the elephant in the room.
“I have come to you because I feel I owe my deepest condolences and apologies for what has...” Her voice shattered, and she paused for a moment, “...for the pain that my son has caused you.” She took my hand then, and I could see that her eyes were red and glazing over with tears.