I wondered why Leo did not respond when I asked him who he was. He was so changed from the plump little boy who had taunted me as a child at his brother’s side. He still had the same, fair colored hair, but I did not get a good look at his face. I wondered if he couldn't hear me, or if I'd even managed to speak the words at all. Maybe I dreamed up the whole interaction.
Then I thought about the vision of my mother again and felt that intense sorrow, like I lost something I could never get back. I looked at the palm that she kissed in my dream. Pressing the hand to my cheek, I closed my eyes.
The door burst open, and my Aunt Emmaline darted in with Uncle Charles in tow. She embraced me and kissed me, and then Uncle Charles kissed my forehead. I thought, "
Well, if that's what it takes to get some affection, I'd rather not.
" Then I thought of Perseus and the state he was in when I fainted.
"Perseus?" I asked, sitting up, and my Aunt sat at the edge of the bed and drew her eyes down. The tears began welling up, and my Aunt pulled a delicately embroidered handkerchief from her sleeve to wipe my eyes. It was Uncle Charles who explained.
"There was nothing to be done. He was in such pain." There was that moment when I was weaving in and out of consciousness and hear a loud, thunder-like noise. It was Leo putting my dear companion to rest.
Creeda came into the room, then and said, "My goodness! What're yeh cryin' fer? Ye’r wounds will heal. Poor little cherub! I will make ye’r tea with the remedy the Doc left fer yeh and that'll do the trick!" She rushed back out of the room before anyone could tell her I was simply mourning my horse.
When Doctor Haskins came, he was glad to see that I was awake. He said the blood loss would make me weak and asked me not to put any weight on my leg for several days. Aunt Emmaline decided she and I would stay with Creeda because, as she insisted, I was a “wee angel an’ no trouble at all.” My Aunt and I needed some fresh clothing, so she went back to Rhineholt with Uncle Charles. The Hilbournes would then return her to me on their way back home. They planned to stay in the nearby village overnight; it was too late in the day to make it back to Hilbourne Abbey.
By the time Aunt Emmaline was back, it was late afternoon, and I had already napped twice and eaten again, so I was wide awake when Celia came in to see me. Her eyes were red, and I could see that she'd been crying.
"I was so worried for you, Tamsin, darling! The way you screamed..." Celia held me against her. She clasped my hand so tight it hurt, but I did not have the heart to tell her.
She continued, "Tamsin dear, I always wanted a daughter and though we have not spent much time together, I want you to know that I believe your mother would've wanted us to be close. I would never have forgiven myself if you'd been lost."
I told her about how I dreamt of my mother when I fainted and she listened intently. When I mentioned that she kissed the palm of my hand she stopped me.
"You remember that? You were so small. She would sing to you all the time and insisted that when you were fussy, if she kissed your palm it calmed you immediately." My Aunt peeked in from the door.
"There is someone who would like to see you if you feel up to it, Tamsin." I nodded guessing that it was Julian, but when she stepped back, the long-haired man in the uniform walked into the room, and I sat up. Celia stood and stepped away so that Leo could take my hand. He did not kiss it the way his brother had, he simply held it gently, as though it were so fragile it might break in his grasp. His eyes were much lighter than I remembered, like the color of amber.
"I don't know how to thank you for..." I began, and he looked soberly at me before he shook his head and spoke softly. His eyes were constantly on my face, never leaving my eyes and lips.
"You don't have to." He sounded different from how I remembered him, as though he picked up another accent somehow, and I wondered if it was something to do with the little time he spent at war. I knew that his only battle was Waterloo, though he was present when Napoleon was removed to Helene. This was, of course, according to the dinner conversation two nights before. That dinner seemed like a world away after the recent events.
Leo stared at me silently for a moment, and I was in awe of him. He rescued me, probably saved my life and would not even allow me to thank him. After giving my hand a soft squeeze, he let it go and nodded to Celia and Aunt Emmaline before exiting the room. My Aunt stepped out with Celia to see them off, and I saw in a nearby mirror that I was as red as my hair. Just then Julian stepped into the room, and I immediately wondered why he was not at my rescue when Perseus darted into the woods. I gave him a stare that would have chilled a hot iron after a day’s work. He saw my anger and spoke defensively.
"Don't look at me that way! I followed you and lost myself in the woods looking for you for God knows how long! If that horse was properly trained, this would not have happened. Anyway, what were you doing on a horse of that size? You should still be riding ponies!" This made me even more furious.
"How dare you blame that poor animal? He was merely spooked! If you had any sense, you would've grabbed the reins before he darted! You didn't even--"
"
Me? You
were already holding them! If it was not for me, nobody would have known you were lost. I had the good sense to ride into town and form a search party when I could not find you. Were it not for that, Leo would not have even been looking for you!" I began to cry at the thought of Perseus, who did not manage to come out of this incident alive. He stopped short.
"I'm sorry, please don't cry, I meant no harm." He sat next to me.
"I really was worried about you, that's the only reason I'm so upset." I nodded, not fully believing in his earnestness.
He continued, “I am sorry about the horse, too. He was..." I stared at him as if to say, choose your words wisely, and he continued, "...a beautiful horse." We were silent for a moment and Creeda peeked in and looked from me to Julian, oddly.
"Goodness me, I must be loosin' me head, I swear I just heard shoutin' from down the hall," she rattled, and she was gone from the doorway as quickly as she'd appeared.
After a moment’s pause, Julian and I laughed uncontrollably. We both took a deep breath.
"That old bat. She's a sweet thing, but she sure has a strange way about her." Julian certainly was right about that. Then he looked at me, smiling.
"What do you say we call it a draw? If we are going to be spending so much time together while I accompany you to Germany, we should try to learn to be civil." I nodded my agreement. Then he patted my head and left, before I had the chance to tell him how mad that gesture made me.
* * *
The time at Aven Cottage passed quietly and comfortably. Within a couple of days, my wound healed enough for me to begin taking short constitutionals to sit in the garden with the assistance of Creeda’s walking stick. Aunt Emmaline had many people to visit around the small village, so I was often alone except for Creeda. She would sometimes sit in my room during meals or in the garden with me and talk of "Jule’s" and "Leo's" antics as children. She made good company. Creeda had a way of telling a story so that it felt as though it was happening at that very moment.
"That Jules were always a handful! He may have been the older boy, but he were the most trouble. Leo, on the other hand, such a dear boy, I called him me lion heart because he were such a angel.” I found it hard to imagine either of them well behaved.
”That one always listened..." she trailed off.
"Such a tragedy, it were, when Lady Hilbourne got her word that Leo were hurt fightin' o'er there in France against that short fellow. It's not the kind of thing ye expect, that he'd lost his hearin.' Me Lard it tears me up just thinkin' of it.” She was not in tears though she held a handkerchief to her eyes.
“Though, I s'pose some'd say our Leo were one of the lucky ones. An' he came back a hero, too, decorated with all sorts of medals and such. An’ he done well with that affliction, ye’d hardly know since him learned himself to read lips. I ne’er seen such a thing."
Lost his hearing.
That explained why he did not answer me when I questioned who he was. He could not hear me asking. I also understood now, why he sounded so different when we spoke, and I respected him all the more for his learning to talk without the aid of his ears. I wonder that my Aunt and Uncle had not told me of this, and I guessed that it was because they had taken pain not to discuss the war in great detail around me. The Napoleonic Wars went on for most of my life.
It was on my last day at Aven Cottage that I was sitting on a swing in the garden and felt a hand cover my eyes. I knew that I must guess the owner of the hand, and I was certain that it must be Julian.
"In only one guess? I must learn to disguise myself better. What gave me away?" he asked.
"I am acquainted with no one more childish." He gave me a half-smile that said he did not like being referred to as an
acquaintance
.
"We were just readying to leave for Hilbourne, and I thought I might come to see you while the final preparations are made. How is your wound?" I stood up to show him that I was able to walk on it, though not for long, and he caught my arm when I stumbled back toward my seat.
"Doctor Haskins says it will be a month, at least, before I can stand on it without pain. He says there may always be a little pain, but we do hope for the best," I said. He nodded and we sat silently for a bit, enjoying the peace of the gentle wind and singing birds.
I told him that Creeda was regaling me with all sorts of horrible stories that I planned to use against him one day. This got a laugh from him and he said that he would not be blackmailed by just anyone. We talked for a while with only a little banter, and he began to tell me about India again. It sounded like a fascinating place, and I longed to see it someday. He promised he would make sure that I did, as long as I vowed not to ride any horses there, and I jokingly told him that I would ride only elephants. I once saw a drawing of a king sitting on one, and I hoped that I would see one myself someday.
Julian told me the land his family owned in India was called Punam Estate, meaning Full Moon Estate. I spoke the house name after he said it, and he laughed at my pronunciation. He went on to say that many British people stayed to build their own plantations, though the East India Company was well known for what was once a monopoly. He also told me of the scent of the fresh tea when you first arrived in the Tamil Nadu region, which he said was in the South.
“That makes the months en route worth the trouble alone. Once you taste tea that has not been imported and left on a boat for four to six months, you will never want to leave.” “All for the sake of flavor?” I asked, teasingly. He shrugged, and I found it difficult to believe this was his only reason for wanting to return to India so quickly. How strange it must have felt to live so much time in another country only to come back to your life in England. It all seemed like so much trouble for the trading of tea.
Creeda came into the garden and saw us sitting together and she scolded "Jules" for not coming into the cottage to announce his presence so that she might bring us tea. He said that he only planned to stay for a moment, but she insisted that he come inside to see her latest embroidery before he left. He obediently followed her, but I stayed in the garden. I do not think they realized that there was a window open and that I could hear their conversation from where I sat.
"Now Jules, ye'd best leave that dear girl be, she ain't old enough to be one of yer conquests!" Creeda's voice was unmistakable. I heard Julian respond in an amiable tone.
"You know that my charm is too great to overcome!" I rolled my eyes. He was ever the rake, even with old Creeda.
She responded, "Well, yeh know what I mean, that one’s not meant to be toyed with, so leave ‘er be till she's old enough to wed. An' that don't mean ye go leadin' that sweet thing on. She's a wee angel an’ deserves better than how ye treat one of them servin’ girls."
I remembered seeing Julian being so familiar with Franny in the hallway at Rhineholt. The thought made me cringe.
Julian left without saying goodbye to me. I saw a glimpse of him when he left, but since he did not exit through the garden, I wasn’t close enough to call a farewell to him. How strange that he should leave in such a rush and say nothing to me, not that I was shocked at his lack of manners.
Doctor Haskins visited that evening and said that I could return home the following morning, if I promised to be careful with my still-healing wound.
Chapter 4
The summer air was warm and hazy, making it feel like I was dreaming all day long. It was not so hot that I could not spend a morning walking in the gardens behind Rhineholt, but by afternoon the sun was ruthless. I would retreat inside and often napped until tea time. My wound was mostly healed and I could walk easily, apart from a slight limp, which the doctor assured me would disappear over time. I could only hope that it would be gone by the time I travelled to Germany.
Uncle Charles went away to work in London, where he conducted most of his business related to Rhineholt House and the sprawling property. I was not sure what would eventually happen to Rhineholt, as there was no male heir. I knew that I was doomed to be married and that would almost assuredly mean that I would move to some other great house. My ancestral home would then need someone to run it when my Uncle got too old. This made me think of Leo and Julian, and I wondered which of them would be left in charge of Hilbourne and which of them would be left to run Punam Estate.
August had come and gone. Celia came to stay a few days with us before we all left the country to stay at the London house to prepare me to be sent off to school. I was no longer a little girl, and I would need a proper wardrobe for a young woman. I insisted that my Aunt allow me to give my old clothes Fleur.
“You know how I feel about you interacting with that girl--”
“I do know, but an interaction that takes only five minutes is not bound to do damage, I’m sure.”
“I only mean that you should be wary of getting too close, and I don’t think it would be appropriate for Fleur to wear those clothes. What will she
do
in them?”
“What all little girls
do
in them! Be little girls! She may do as she wishes, wear them in the stables if she wants!”
* * *
It was an exceedingly warm, early September day and we were preparing to leave for London the following morning. As I began to separate what would be acceptable to wear for a sixteen-year-old, refined young lady, I saw how little I had to pack. I stared at the overflowing pile of little girl's dresses on the bed. Ruffles and bows peeked out here and there with hues of pink, lavender and pale blue. Fleur walked into the room behind me, so quietly that when I turned to see her, I started.
"Oh, Fleur, you scared me!" I said.
Then she frowned and apologized, "I'm sorry, miss, I meant no harm, please don't be cross. Bernadine said to come to your room and..." Her eyes were large and innocent and her hair was in two long braids on either side of her head, which was covered by a bonnet. She seemed afraid to be in my presence, and who could blame her. I had not seen her since the day in the library.
"Please, miss, I did not mean to frighten you, I promise it won't happen again. Bernadine said I wasn’t to be gone more than a moment, should I not have come?"
"Now don't be silly, Fleur! You aren't in any trouble. You just gave me a start, is all,” I said, and her eyes went to the dresses. She pressed herself up against the wall like an angry hound was barking up at her and stared at the dresses as if they were her escape route.
“I could hardly get into one of those on if I tried!" I said, hoping to lighten the mood. She briefly looked up at me and then down to her feet.
She blushed and said, “I have never had such beautiful things. My Aunt says that I'll look silly putting on airs."
"Well, you just tell your Aunt that Miss Tamsin would be disappointed if you didn't put on airs in those dresses." She waited till then to approach her bounty. She scooped the dresses up and rushed toward the door, as though I would change my mind. When I called her name, she stopped and didn’t turn back to me right away. Her arms tightened around the pile of gowns.
“Fleur... That day in the library...” She had not turned to face me, so I walked to her side and stood in the doorway.
“I didn’t mean--”
“I know, Miss...” She still looked down, avoiding my gaze.
“I’m sorry for what happened to you,” I said. She finally looked up at me and gave me a brief and very sincere smile before immediately looking back down. I moved aside and let her pass with the pile of frills and bows.
It made me a little sad because it felt like I had just given away my childhood, but it was best that the dresses would be of use to someone else. I believed I had made Fleur happy, and that's what frilly dresses were meant to do for little girls. Even though Fleur had the hard life of a servant, she would have something of beauty in her life. With that, I sighed, closed up my half empty trunk and went downstairs for tea with Celia and my Aunt.
* * *
There were only the three of us at dinner that night because Julian had gone on to London along with his father and Leo. Celia told me stories about the city. It would be my first time in town. Come to think of it, the first time I ever spent a night outside the walls of Rhineholt was when I stayed with Creeda at Aven Cottage.
Aunt Emmaline was quiet and after dinner she excused herself to bed early, complaining of a headache. This left me with Celia in the drawing room. We talked for a bit about the convent where I would be living for the next two years, and after a pause, Celia moved in close to where I sat and took hold of both of my hands. She looked seriously at me, so much so that it frightened me.
"What is it?" I finally asked.
"You are old enough now, I think," she said with her eyes never leaving my face.
"There are things you must know, dear. Some of them are unpleasant, but it is important that you know the truth, darling. I wanted to tell you when we were on our way to Germany, but the weight is just so heavy."
"Then please, tell me what you must," I said attentively.
"Your Aunt would disagree with me. Emmaline did not want you to know, she thought that you would be happier left in the dark. I could not agree with her, though. So you must not tell her that you know what I have told you tonight. It must remain between us. Do you promise?" Her seriousness alarmed me.
"Your mother... Annaliese...” People said her name so rarely that it sounded strange to hear it.
“We were so close, you know. When we were at the convent together, she shared something of her history with me. Her father was a Traveller, a gypsy Irishman. Her Mother, your Grandmother, was of German people and they were from a great house, but they disowned her when they discovered she held the child of a gypsy man. Your Grandmother was given no choice but to go and find the man who left her with child, but when she went to where the gypsy encampment was, there was nothing there.” It was the first time I knew anything of my mother’s history before she married my father.
“Your grandmother wandered in the black forest until she came to a convent. The nuns were kind to her and took her in. She died giving birth, and the nuns named the baby Annaliese, which is German for "grace." She had bright red hair, the same as yours. The nuns brought your mother up and schooled her there, which is how we met at the convent." I must have looked surprised because Celia squeezed my hands again.
"Dear, I know it is a shock, but I feel that you have a right to know where you came from. Your mother and I, we were like sisters. I loved her dearly and my family allowed her to spend holidays with me at my family home in Stuttgart. My mother and father were so fond of Annaliese that they even took her in after we finished at school and treated her as family. This is why we came out together in London. Your mother was beautiful and even though she was not known and had no history with London society, she was supremely popular that year. She certainly was not short on suitors, but when she met your father, that was it.”
“They fell madly in love in no time at all, but the old Mister Rhineholt, your grandfather, did not care for the idea that his son wanted to marry an unknown woman of no means. In fact, he was outraged at the prospect and even threatened to disown him. Your father, he would have none of that and insisted that he would marry Annaliese no matter what. I respected James so much for that.” She took a breath and shook her head before continuing.
"Your mother did not want to be responsible for ruining the man she loved, and we, your mother and I, devised a plan. She wrote to her mother’s family in Germany and demanded that they admit who her mother was. They did not want a scandal and immediately wrote back explaining that if Annaliese came forth as a blood relative, it could be disastrous for them. So her grandmother’s family offered up a generous dowry for Annaliese as long as they would keep quiet about the history of your Grandmother and the gypsy man. They said that if Annaliese told anyone her true family name, terrible things would befall her. With the prospect of such a large dowry, the Rhineholts agreed to put aside the fact that Annaliese was unknown, and your mother and father were married. The secret of where she really came from remained with only your mother. She told only the Rhineholts and me of the story, but she kept her family name to herself, and I believe she burned the letter when the dowry was secured."
For the first time in my life, I felt that I knew who my parents were, and it stung me that I was denied knowing them for myself.
Celia continued, "When your mother came to live at Rhineholt, she was so happy, and within a few months of the wedding, she wrote to me that she was with child. I came to stay with her often, and that is how I was introduced to Reginald. He was dashing, and I knew that your mother planned it so I would marry him. She and I would be together, no matter what."
"The night of the incident on the road, when your father was killed..." She paused for a moment, and I could see that it was difficult for her to speak of this.
"Your mother saw him murdered by the man who stopped them on the road. She must have been all out of sorts, because she wandered off into the woods. I dare say she could not stand to be near the man she loved so dearly in that state. When your father was found, a search party was sent out to find your mother. Your Uncle Charles was the one who found her..." I could not believe what I was hearing. I always believed that she was never found, that only her cloak washed up on the shore.
"Charles said that he called to her, but she did not respond, as though she was somewhere far away. By the time he realized what she was doing, it was too late. He rushed toward her, but could not get close enough to grab her before she threw herself over the cliff. You see, she loved your father so much that she could not bear to be without him. What she saw drove her mad, and..." There were tears on her cheek. I noticed them before I felt the wet of my own face. Celia pulled me to her. We were silent for a long time until she finally spoke again.
"It was a tragedy, and your Uncle did not want anyone to know. He told only Reginald and me. I thought that you deserved to know the truth. Do not place blame on Annaliese, though. She forgot all else when she saw what happened to your father. She loved you... she loved you so much, Tamsin. I think that she knew that you would be well looked after at Rhineholt."
I finally spoke, "Thank you so much for telling me. I know more about my parents than I ever did before. I know how much they loved one another and that I was made from that love."
“Dear, you are all that is left of that love.” Celia said wiping away a tear from my cheek.
Chapter 5
London was like being at a bustling party all the time. I found it intensely exhausting but completely wonderful. Celia, my Aunt and I were in and out of shops on a daily basis, seeing the seamstress about proper garments and buying books for me to read on the journey and while at school. Both Celia and Aunt Emmaline promised that they would send me more books while I was away, though I did not think I would find myself bored.
We were taking a break from the bustling shops and having an afternoon at the Rhineholt London house. I sat in the library by myself stitching my initials onto each of my handkerchiefs, which I was told was terribly important. I thought it was a silly and unnecessary thing to do, but to avoid being scolded by Aunt Emmaline, I proceeded through the small pile of white fabric. I was insistent on using green thread, it was my favorite color and my Aunt was completely against it until Uncle Charles chimed in.
“They are hers, after all, let her do as she pleases. She’s the one who has to look at them.” She consented, finally.
I felt strange, as though I was not alone and turned to see that Leo was behind me in the doorway. The butler had not announced his presence. How long he was quietly standing there, I could not say. We smiled at one another, and I beckoned him to come and sit with me. I made sure to look him directly in the eye when I spoke so that I could be sure he understood what I said.
“How are you? Shall I ring for tea?” He shook his head, “I have not seen you since the accident.” He nodded.
“I’ve been here, in London with my father.” We were quiet for a moment, and I noticed him look at the embroidery in my hands and I held one up for him to see.
“My Aunt, she insisted that I do this to just about everything I am taking to Germany with me. I think it’s silly. Have you ever been to Germany?” I asked.
“Yes, there is my grandmother and then in the war...” he said and trailed off. He didn’t want to speak of it.
“Oh yes, I forgot that your mother’s family is still there. I am scared, a little,” I admitted.
“I’ve never been anywhere outside of England. I’ll bet you have been everywhere. Your brother told me about the tea plantation in India. Do you go there often?” He frowned at the mention of Julian, and I was surprised to find that he had a distaste for his brother.
“Do you not get along with your brother?” I asked.
“Half brother,” he corrected me.
“I did not know,” I said, and I did not delve into the subject any further because it seemed to bother him. My Aunt appeared in the doorway.