Creed nodded. “How about I meet your mom and we play it off like we're going in different directions, and in an hour we'll hook up at my place. Is that aight?”
“So you mean you got your place back?” I joked, remembering that the guys who pledged him were staked out at his place.
“Not yet, but I'm kicking everybody out of it tonight. It might not be the cleanest, but it'll be something special for me and you.”
It was hard to contain my excitement. After I introduced Creed to my mom, he smiled and went over to his boys. She tugged on my shirt and said, “Okay sweetie, I can see from the way the young man was looking at you that this is serious. What's going on with the two of y'all?”
“Nothing Mom, I mean he's my boyfriend, but we're taking it slow.”
“Sweetheart, you just crossed and you got so much going on right now, leave the young man alone.”
“Why do you say that? You didn't like him, Mom? He didn't seem nice?”
“Yeah, he seems great. I just don't want you to get yourself in more trouble than you need to. Remember even when I am not watching, God is.”
“Mom, did you have to throw that on me?”
“Yeah, I needed to put the fear of God in your heart. Don't do what you are not supposed to do with a more experienced boy.”
I gave her a hug and she left with the rest of the moms who came to watch the ceremony.
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An hour could not have passed fast enough for me. I was at Creed's apartment waiting for him, but after an hour and a half, I felt like he let the excitement of partying with his frat brothers get in between us having our special time. Just as I was about to dip his car pulled in. He rushed up to my window.
“I'm sorry, baby,” he said. “I got caught up with the fellas, but I'll make it up to you, I promise.”
When we got inside, the place was a mess. I could tell that his line had been using his place as headquarters.
“Nobody used my guest bedroom though,” he said as he led me in there and put some Luther Vandross on the CD player. “I missed you, you know that. It was so hard on line some days, but when I thought about you I was able to get through them, Hayden. I want to be with you. I want to make you feel good.”
Reflecting back, things were starting to work out. Sharon was okay and I was a Beta. I needed to relax. As my boyfriend's hands slid down my pants and his lips found mine, I had to admit, I'd never felt such pleasure.
10
BROKEN
Okay, Lord, his hands are all over my breasts and I can't stop thinking about You not being pleased with what's going on here. I've been a virgin for nineteen years. Is that not enough? Why can't I enjoy this moment? I finally got something I really wanted and now I have this guy too. Darn, I want him so much, but is this right?
“
O
kay, so what's up? You're not into this,” Creed said, breaking my prayer. “I'm touching you. I'm feeling you. I'm trying to kiss you and I ain't getting no love back. C'mon now. This don't feel good? You're breaking my heart.”
“It's not that it doesn't feel good,” I said as I took the cover off the bed and used it to cover my bare body.
“You're not shy all of a sudden, are you, baby?”
“Well, it has just been a second, and you haven't seen me that much. I am a little shy. Is that okay?” I said, getting a little annoyed that he was upset with me.
Besides, this was my body. This was my right. If I wasn't ready then he needed to accept that and move on. I wasn't some little girl that would be shattered and broken if he decided not to fool with me again.
“So if I don't give it up, we're through?” I said. I needed to cut straight to the chase.
“Why you sayin' all that? And why are you acting so mean?” he questioned.
“This is all new for me and I don't want to go so fast. I know you got your letters now and there are so many girls that will easily give it up.”
“Let's just set the record straight. I could have women without these letters. Nowadays all you gotta do is tell them what they want to hear and they give up the booty.”
“Okay then. So maybe I'm not the girl for you. I'm not gonna be so quick to give it up. I've heard the sweet words before. I've got it going on too, Creed. And if I'm not worth waiting for, in your mind, then I'm glad I didn't give it up to you now.”
“But Hayden, you're putting words in my mouth. I didn't say that if we didn't have sex I was out of here. You know I mean every word I say to you. No bull here. I really care for you. And I mean it when I say you helped me get through a tough pledge period. I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about taking our relationship to the next level. Being with you, celebrating both of our joys, it gets me going. But if you're not ready, I respect that. But can a brother get a little affection? Can I talk you through some of this? What's got you so scared?”
I didn't know how he was going to take my Christian values, but I guess it was important we talk about that because I just didn't want a relationship built on the pleasures of the flesh. I needed a relationship built on the spirit, where God was at the center of our relationship. For us to withstand the temptation our bodies were feeling we needed divine intervention.
I didn't know I could feel such pleasure and I truly didn't want that feeling to end. But for God it had to. Imagining my dad watching me from over in Iraq was one thing, but to envision the Heavenly Father upset in Heaven, was even more unsettling. I didn't want to block His blessing for the rest of my life. No telling what one bad action would do to the plans He had for me.
Putting on my shirt, I sat on the edge of the bed and said, “You know, I don't know how you're going to take this, but I just didn't want to displease the Lord. You gonna go run away now or what? Oh, I forgot this is your place, I'm the one that needs to leave,” I said, getting up from the bed.
He stood up too and hugged me. “You don't need to go nowhere. I believe in God, Jesus, all that. I don't want Him mad at me either, messing with one of the last pure, special creatures He has on this earth. I'ma prove to you that I'm worthy. I've been out there a little too much. I gotta admit, I wasn't trying to save myself for nobody. But I have had empty nights with women. I feel there's a connection with you. I don't wanna ruin what I think is developing here. Let's just continue to work with each other until we figure all this out. Is that cool?”
“Yeah,” I said, as he pulled me back to the bed.
I felt whole. My first night as a Beta and I was sleeping in my man's arms. He understood me and cared.
Thank you, Jesus.
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I woke up the next morning to the constant ringing of my cell phone. Creed and I tried to ignore it the first couple of times, but whoever needed me wouldn't stop calling.
“You better answer it. Obviously somebody's really trying to get you,” he said, stroking my neck.
Being a little overly conscious of my morning breath, I turned away from him and said, “Probably my roommate Chandra wanting to make sure I'm okay.”
“Well answer it,” he said. “Let her know you're cool.”
“Hello?” I said without even looking at the caller ID. “I'm okay, girl. I'll be home in a bit.”
“Who do you think this is?” Bea asked.
“Bea?” I said, catching her voice.
“Yeah, it's me.”
“Oh, never mind. What's going on?” I said, as I pulled the covers and sat up.
“Why won't you answer your phone?” she asked me.
“Girl, what's up?”
“You're with that Pi dude, aren't you? A girl gets some letters and she just loses her mind.”
“Miss Smarty, he was my man before we crossed,” I said, a little salty.
“And you kept that from all of us?”
“Bea, what did you call me for?”
“Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,” she said. “Penelope needs her phone back. I just needed to know if you wanted me to go with you to take it back to her since she needs it really bad.”
“Oh snap, I've had it for a couple of days,” I said.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Does she know that we crossed?” I asked Bea.
“She didn't say anything to me, but she sounded pretty upset. So I assume she does. Plus, we were on the yard. I'm up for going with you if you need me to. She said she's at her apartment and you know where that is.”
“I'm straight.”
As soon as I hung up the phone, Creed asked, “Is everything alright?”
“Yeah, just line drama.”
“You wanna talk to me?”
“Nah, it's sorority stuff. I'm cool. You understand, right?” I said, giving him a kiss on his luscious lips.
“Alright, go take care of that. Call me though.”
“I will, and thanks for being more than a gentleman.”
“I'm your guy. You wouldn't hook up with just anybody, would you?” he said, making me smile.
Fifteen minutes later, I was standing in front of Penelope's door. She must have been looking out for me, because the front door swung open. Her apartment was incredible. On the sly, I peered around her to notice a large living room with rosy red curtains, a fluffy matching rug in the center of the room, and classy black-and-white posters of Billie Holiday and Langston Hughes that adorned the walls. Penelope's place was hot.
“Can I have my phone?” she said, her eyes red and swollen.
She looked like she hadn't slept in days. I had made sure that I took off all the Beta Gamma Pi paraphernalia I was wearing for the probate show the day before. No need to get into any questions or flaunt anything in her face. Though I didn't know what happened to her, Edythe or Keisha, I knew it wasn't going to be pretty.
“Are you going to be okay?” I said, handing her the phone.
She snatched it from my grasp and said, “Please don't act like you care about me. You're a Beta now. You don't need me for anything except respect. And with how you guys messed us all up, you probably won't be earning any of that any time soon.”
In my mind, I had thought that they would probably have to pay a fine, and maybe Keisha would be the only one suspended. I knew we were going to have to get along with them though. I didn't want such hostility between us.
Trying, I said, “We're sisters now. We'll all find a way to get past this.”
“Are you kidding? All of us are being suspended for five years. We can't go to sorority meetings, wear any paraphernalia, participate in any activities that you guys host or any other Beta chapter for that matter. If that's not enough, our names are listed on the national website as outcasts. Also, we'll each have to pay a twenty-five hundred dollar fine before we can even think about coming back into the fold. National does not play when it comes to hazing.”
I just stood there with my mouth open. I really didn't understand what this meant so I said, “You're Vice President. What about Edythe?”
Turning away, she said, “All of us are gone. There may even be repercussions from the school because of our illegal actions. You guys are on your own now. You ratted us out. It seems like you wanted this.”
I looked her right in the eye so she could tell I did care. “No we didn't. We wanted Keisha to get the punishment that she was due, but you tried to defend us. It just got out of hand. That wasn't the first time y'all's actions left someone seriously hurt. We didn't even tell Nationals all of that.”
“You're right. I know I failed you guys and as hard as I tried to protect you, I was just as guilty as Keisha.”
“That's not what I'm saying,” I said, huffing.
“You don't have to say it. That's how I feel and that's how the regional officers saw it. Go on. Get away from my door and be a better Beta than I was.”
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Later that night there was a meeting called by the Regional Coordinator and our advisor. We were meeting on campus in our sorority office. This was the first time we were privy to its space. The room had Beta Gamma Pi pictures and plaques all over the walls. This was Alpha chapter, and the rich history that surrounded us was moving. The room's centerpiece was a large, elegant frame of our sorority's foundersâsimilar to the one I remembered from our initiation ceremony. Beneath the frame was a small gold plaque that outlined the details of the photo and reminded us all of the reasons we chose to become Betas:
A SISTERHOOD COMMITTED TO MAKING THE WORLD GREATER. OUR ELITE FOUNDERS. THESE FIVE EXTRAORDINARY WOMEN OF CHARACTER AND VIRTUE FOUNDED BETA GAMMA PI ON THE CAMPUS OF WESTERN SMITH COLLEGE. GREAT SERVICE. GREAT LEADERSHIP. GREAT PROGRESS. SINCE 1919.
During the meeting, our Regional Coordinator and chapter advisor confirmed what Penelope had told me earlier. All of the girls that were in the chapter were suspended. Now we had to hold elections. Unanimously, I was voted Chapter President. Clearly, it was an office I wasn't ready for. I had just joined the sorority. I didn't know much at all. All I wanted was justice, but for Penelope and Edythe, the punishment they had gotten, though truthfully more than fair, was heart wrenching.
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I hadn't been the most effective leader, though I had only been in office a week. I hadn't called any meetings. It was December and it was time for semester finals, so we hadn't planned any functions. I just felt everybody needed to go their own way and study for exams. But then I got a call from Ms. Berry. It wasn't like she was the advisor from hell, but she did have high expectations of what the sisterhood and our chapter were supposed to do.
“Hayden, you guys are Alpha chapter. You're not just there to parade around campus wearing lavender and turquoise letters and be at everybody's party. Where's the public service? There's always an annual end-of-the-year project that you guys do to help the community. You all know this because you've seen the chapter history. I know it's difficult for you to come in and make big decisions, but we need true leadership.”
She didn't know at all how difficult this was for me. We had to see the suspended Betas around campus whispering to other people that we were the ones that got them kicked off. And then of course girls from my line let it leak that the Betas almost killed Sharon so they should be happy that they just got kicked off, instead of being in jail. And for Keisha that was still a real possibility because Sharon's mom was extremely angry. However, being the chapter president of a divided group was just as tough mentally as all the physical drama I had to deal with while I was on line.
Ms. Berry looked at her calendar, where she kept a listing of all of the chapter events, and saw we had a highway cleanup project scheduled. I called all of my ice chips, the girls who'd been through the ice with me, and gave them the time and the place and info of what we needed to do. But when I showed up at the designated spot with a trash bag, I was completely disappointed that none of them came. I ended up calling Chandra and Creed to come by and help.
When Creed and Chandra got there, Creed jokingly said, “So your girls just ditched you?”
“This isn't funny,” I said to him.